Do I need to tell Fiancé

LegacyUser

Mid 30s with kids, engaged to be married this year after 7 years. Very Happy with everything and excited for the future.

Out of the blue my ex who broke my heart 8 years ago casually gets in contact via instagram, comments on family pics saying he is so happy for me etc etc... I thought nothing of it and just thanks etc.

I told my Fiancé this had happened and we both thought it very strange but at the same time I said I was happy he got in touch as it makes things a lot easier when we have to be out at home. I will no longer be avoiding him like the plague (yes 8 years of watching the pub door in my home town.)

Over the weekend, Ex sent me a message saying he was a fool for letting me go, he was sorry and I meant the world to him and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee. I said no and told him straight out I had my kids and partner and we were getting married this year. that he was lucky I was saying no as what kind of a horrible person would do that to their family. Ex replied saying sorry but he just had to put it out there before I got married as he can not stop thinking of me. I did not reply.

I have no feelings for this ex at all he hurt me pretty badly at the time but I once did love him. I would never do anything to hurt Fiancé and our family unit. I am wondering should I tell him about the messages? Would he be upset that I replied at all is that something I should have ignored.

Mr. Incognito

I'd not tell him

You told your ex to f off and just let it at that. Otherwise you are feeding his ego and giving him the attention he craves. Just ignore him.

bp

Mmmm I would probably tell him in case you guys are in your local sometime and the ex comes in and while drunk says she was the one who got away even when I tried to tempt her back ha ha ha (so something similar). Just say "x got in touch again for feck sake and asked me to meet. I told him where to go, can you believe the cheek of him. Time to block him on instrgram" and move on

groovyg

He hurt you badly and now you are getting married and you have your own family he contacts you to tell you he was a fool for letting you go!!! He is obviously somebody who is need of an ego boost.
When you are back home continue to avoid him like the plague and block him from contacting you on all forms of social media.

December2012

Is your fiancé confident? You did the right thing so I believe you could tell them. Unless you have a specific reason not to?

Gunslinger92

If I were the fiancée I'd prefer to be told. I agree with an above poster's suggested way of bringing it up

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

Is your fiancé confident? You did the right thing so I believe you could tell them. Unless you have a specific reason not to?

He is not very confident and I know he would be upset by it and find it very disrespectful to him/our family. I just dont want any drama in the run up to the wedding.

LegacyUser

Your ex's follow up contact is a good lesson in why you should have blocked his first contact.

It's also a good lesson for you that you're not over him. Delighted that you're happy, have kids, getting married etc, but if you are watching the pub door 8 years later, you're not over him.

I think you should block him on every form of social media immediately and you should tell your partner that he was doing a bit too much liking and commenting so you decided to shut the door a bit more firmly. If you meet him when you're out, ignore him unless he doesn't let you, in which case find another pub.

I think you should then consider doing a session or two of counselling to really clear your head of your ex so you can start your marriage with a clean slate.

If you can't do that, if you're telling yourself it's all a bit much, then it's time to admit that there's a reason you haven't got over him and it's because you don't want to get over him.

Rubberchikken

tell your partner but in a casual way. at least then it's out there and this guy can do no harm. thoughtless of him in the first place to get in touch but arrogant of him to have the nerve to message back a second time.

LegacyUser

Sorry you were stupid to entertain any contact from that ex. Be honest with current partner, apologise for entertaining the eejet, give a massive berth if paths ever cross. Yer man sounds like a major sh*t stirrer so wouldn't put it past him to say something to your husband to be. Better for him to be wise to it. Block, ignore, keep no secrets and move on. A man on galloping horse could have seen that coming, all the ex was looking for was an ego boost don't even think about him again. He has no respect for you or your current relationship

jimmycrackcorm

I don't see anything in your post to suggest why it wouldn't be a good reason to tell your fiance, honesty and openness et al.

In fact you should tell him it's only a reminder of how lucky you are to be marrying him.

GingerLily

bp wrote: »

Mmmm I would probably tell him in case you guys are in your local sometime and the ex comes in and while drunk says she was the one who got away even when I tried to tempt her back ha ha ha (so something similar). Just say "x got in touch again for feck sake and asked me to meet. I told him where to go, can you believe the cheek of him. Time to block him on instrgram" and move on

Definitely this! You're telling your Fiancé that you can handle it yourself but you don't keep secrets from him, and it helps mimimise any future meddling by your ex

Flibble

I'd tell him. You've not done anything wrong here OP, in fact, you've acted commendably. You have nothing to be hiding here; in doing so you'll potentially make a mountain out of a molehill. You're about to commit to spending your life together, don't start it with a secret like this.

Your partner will appreciate the honesty- I know you say he won't want drama, but you didn't create this situation, your ex did. You can't/shouldn't "shield" him.

Airyfairy12

It sounds like your ex is seeing you happy and wants to rock the boat, he's only looking for an ego boost. If he cared about you at all or had any respect for you he wouldnt be trying to crawl his way back in and pull apart your family. It just shows how truly self centred he is, he's only thinking of himself and what he wants. If it was me I would tell my partner because its not like youve anything to hide and id want my partner to be open about it with me if something like that happened, youd tell close friends/family so why not your partner. Good for you for telling him where to go.

fishy_fishy

Block him on social media and then mention to your fiancé that you regret responding at all, and that you've had to block him after how he's been behaving.

keeponhurling

you don't need the hassle of keeping a secret, no reason to hide it from fiance

SozBbz

I agree - keeping it secret would only look worse if your fiance then found out.

Tell him about the contact, that you replied once with a flat no, and that you'll block him if he contacts you again.

pilly

Can I ask why you would be watching the pub door when you're out? That's a bit odd considering it's 8 years ago?

xzanti

I agree with Pilly.

Block the ex and ignore him when you see him. You have no business in each others lives after 8 years.

He is a non entity at this stage, or he should be from the sounds of it.

Don't let someone from your distant past muddy the waters of, what sounds like a happy life that you have now.

LegacyUser

pilly wrote: »

Can I ask why you would be watching the pub door when you're out? That's a bit odd considering it's 8 years ago?

I suppose I have just always dreaded seeing him, there have been event I would know he would be at so I have avoided these events etc. and if we are on a night out I would just dread he would come in as I didnt want to see him I suppose at the start it was cause I was hurt and the last few years just out of habit, I think after these messages it will be worst.

Just as an insight is to the past I was with this ex for a year he was not very reliable but we had an amazing chemistry and always had so much fun together... i kind of forced him into a relationship after a few months as I was just not ok going on casual as we were... he seemed to embrace it and introduced me to his parents, showered me with love and affection and then one day sent me a text breaking up with me... i rang back he did not answer his mother did who had no clue what was going on.. he never told his friends we broke up and id meet them and they would be like oh are you coming to this or that... so for a while after we broke up people treated me like I was still in a relationship and I had to deal with the rejection every time i told someone.

I saw a councilor after this and it as a great help I was also on anti depressants for a long time afterwards.

In the next few months I met my fiance, we have been through everything together he is caring loving and reliable he is everything I want and need in my life so I told my Husband to be about the messages n a laugh it off kind of way as far as I can tell he was Ok with it, I know if the shoe was on the other foot and someone had messaged him that I would be so angry at the girl...

pilly

Yeah, I just don't get why you would be dreading seeing someone who you're over. I think you need to think about that and get over it. It's not normal to dread seeing someone like that.

Effectively this guy is an ex who treated you like ****. You need to block him on Instagram but you don't need to avoid him around town, why should you? If you've no feelings for him then he's just another old friend.

Try not to make too much drama out of this because if you do your fiance is going to pick up on what we have here and that's worse than what this said in his message.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Bambi985

"Johnny popped up on Instagram again a few days ago and he was actually trying it on this time, can you believe his nerve?"

Simple casual conversation is all that's needed. Your fiance will probably be a bit miffed, who wouldn't to be honest, the fella is a chancer and a cynical person would say he's got a bit of the green-eyed monster now that he's older and all his friends are settling down including his ex and he's still on his own.

cloudatlas

I would reply to him stating that he not contact you again as you don't want him to and it is making your fiancee deeply uncomfortable. I would then tell the fiance that the guy got in touch again but that you firmly told him to stop contacting you.

Nekarsulm

cloudatlas wrote: »

I would reply to him stating that he not contact you again as you don't want him to and it is making your fiancee deeply uncomfortable. I would then tell the fiance that the guy got in touch again but that you firmly told him to stop contacting you.

I wouldn't mention the part about "making the fiancee deeply uncomfortable"
That would really feed his (ex's) ego, and might even encourage him to keep contacting you.
Block him any way you can on social media. He's only out to make trouble for you guys.

cloudatlas

Nekarsulm wrote: »

I wouldn't mention the part about "making the fiancee deeply uncomfortable"
That would really feed his (ex's) ego, and might even encourage him to keep contacting you.
Block him any way you can on social media. He's only out to make trouble for you guys.

The point that I was trying to make is that she should mention her fiancee to let the ex know that they have discussed it and are united against the ex. Who actually cares about this guys ego, it's about leaving no doubt in his mind that he isn't to contact her again, she doesn't want it, her current partner doesn't want it, finito.

LegacyUser

Just to follow up I blocked him after he replied saying he just had to tell me before i got married. Oh knows about it all so thats all grand now.

However, after I blocked on instagram he sent me a message on Facebook (we were not friends on that so I had not blocked him, I didnt even know he was on Facebook) but do now and he has been blocked and on twitter too before he tried that!

I went to a counseling session last week and talked it all through. After some of the earlier replies on this post I was questioning myself wondering had i still feelings but after talking it all through she agreed it is completely normal to avoid people who hurt us in the past. She said to close the door on the past and look to the future.

Peonygrace

Your update proves that he absolutely had an agenda and its about his ego. Stay strong, keep that guy blocked, and enjoy your married life!

Leonard Hofstadter

What a complete and utter p****, proves why you were right to get rid of him in the first place and to stay committed to your future husband. He clearly cares not one bit about you just wanted his ego fed. He obviously has issues of his own and he needs to grow up and deal with them himself. At least you've completely cut him off now. Wishing you all the best together!

Dixie Chick

I would definitely tell your Fiance. This will be your husband and there is no reason to keep this to yourself as it is a big thing to happen you. You can tell your Fiance and then not have to ever worry that the ex might cause trouble somehow as there would be nothing hidden.

I would also be blocking him on all platforms and tell your fiance so.

Some people have some nerve, and if he really did believe that he made an awful mistake, he was not even man enough to speak to you in person but sent it on social media.

harr

Definitely tell him about this ex....better hearing it from you than the ex who seems like a **** stirrer and I wouldn't put it past the ex to tell your Fiancé you both are in contact on social media ..
Then if the ex keeps it up your fiance can have a word in his ear....
Being open and honest is the only option in this situation..
Your ex doesn't sound like he has much respect for you if this is the kind of behaviour he is at.
The cheek of him after 8 years plus he probably knows you took the break up bad..
At this stage you should consider letting your fiancé sort it out ..