Relationship advice

Esme266 · 12-06-2017 2:07am #1

My boyfriend of 6 years has just told me he fancied my cousin 2 years ago while I was pregnant with our 2nd child. They work together. He has stayed over in hers lots of times. I'm so confused!!!

HalloweenJack · 12-06-2017 6:28am

I think more info is needed on this but I would suggest that it is a good thing that he feels he can be open with you about this. Just because you're in a long-term relationship doesn't mean you stop being attractive to other people. It's better to be open about that then to refuse to recognise it.

That said, why do you mention the fact that he's stayed over at her place lots of times? Do you think something happened? Do you have any reason (historical or cicumstantial) to suspect him?

Esme266 · 12-06-2017 8:15am

HalloweenJack wrote: »

<Snip> The post is just there ^. No need to post it again.

We haven't been great the last 2 years since the birth of our son. It's like he resents him. I think it's because he would have left if I didn't get pregnant. He was always going out with people from work , my cousin being one. They got very close where he wouldn't come home and stay in hers . Photos were being put up on Facebook of them on nights out which made me uncomfortable. He does drink a lot and doesn't spend enough time with me or the kids which has caused problems. If we go out together there's always an argument at the end of the night. He's not a nice person with drink.
With my ex, my cousin and him were close too because she worked in the local pub. When my current boyfriend started his business a few years ago, I convinced him to give her a job.
What annoys me a lot is I had medical issues while pregnant and had to spend more time in hospital than normal and he didn't care. He came to one appointment with me! But my cousin ended up in hospital for an operation and he visisted her a few times and didn't tell me. My aunt told me.
Even if nothing happened, they still work together, he last stayed over in hers after a night out a month ago. He told me last night when he was drunk that she supports him and would do anything for him. Defending her when I hadn't said anything bad about her.

leggo · 12-06-2017 8:54am

So why are you still in the relationship with all of this going on? If I lived with someone and they didn't come home once after a night out, I'd be considering ending it, never mind if it was a regular occurrence and they were staying over with someone (you now know) they were sexually attracted to.

I'm sorry OP but I think this is over.

Esme266 · 12-06-2017 8:59am

leggo wrote: »

<Snip>

I know. I've not talked to anyone bout this until last week at work. They've been very supportive. I think I've just invested so much in the relationship and I wanted to make sure I had tried everything especially because of the kids. But I can't fix everything. I know it's over and I'm very scared.h family don't know a thing and I don't want them to. Not yet. Not until I deal with all in my own head. There's a lot of issues going on in the relationship. I just think this has tipped it completely over the esge

Big Bag of Chips · 12-06-2017 9:03am

For now you have no evidence that your cousin has any feelings for him whatsoever, so you need to remove her from the equation and concentrate on your relationship with him. You're clearly not happy. And you clearly aren't getting the support from him that you need when you are supposed to be parenting 2 children together.

The problem with this kind of issue is, the relationship can only work if both people are interested in putting in the effort that is needed to make it work. Your bf sounds like he's still not ready to leave his single, carefree lad days behind him. So you're trying to make a relationship work, that he at this time can take or leave.

That's not your cousins fault. To be honest if it wasn't her it would be someone else who's not you. I don't mean that to be harsh, but you're at home, you're (boring) family life, you're the daily drudge of day to day mundane things. And others are not. Isn't it well for him that he can be off socialising and staying over night in others' houses while you're at home bringing up his children for him.

Many relationships go through patches where things get really tough, and almost always communication has broken down. In order to get things back communication needs to be addressed, but again, you can't do that on your own. You need to try talk to him. To ask him would he consider relationship counselling with you. You need to find out if you both still love each other and see a long term future together.

His head has been turned by the idea of something a bit "easier" than family life. It doesn't necessarily mean that he would definitely break up his family for it. But you do need to talk to him, and you need to point out to him how continuing like this isn't an option for you.

Big Bag of Chips · 12-06-2017 9:06am

leggo wrote: »

So why are you still in the relationship with all of this going on?

Because breaking up a family isn't always as easy as people think. And before walking out every other option should be explored and exhausted first.

Easy for strangers with no emotional investment in a long term relationship and family to advice to just walk away from it all.

Esme266 · 12-06-2017 9:09am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

<Snip>

Thank you for all that. That's exactly what I'm trying to rationalise in my head. I have asked him about counselling but he said "but why, it's not like we are married"
I've told him how I feel and I need more help. He said he'll put the kids to bed and then go to the pub! I've asked him what he wants. He said we need more sex and that I'm cold to him. I'm tired. I work 3 days a week an hour away from home. I've 3 kids. 2 with him and one from previous relationship. I do everything. I lie to everyone and pretend all is ok. I have lost a lot of weight and have been sick with various things. Im not taking care of myself. That's totally my fault. Im not blaming him for that. I would just love a break from my own head

Esme266 · 12-06-2017 9:13am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Because breaking up a family isn't always as easy as people think. And before walking out every other option should be explored and exhausted first.

Easy for strangers with no emotional investment in a long term relationship and family to advice to just walk away from it all.

That's exactly how I feel. I know I am trying and have tried. To the point where I'm now lying and pretending to everyone that all is great. But in my own head I'm so tired and anxious and worried and scared and alone. It's a very lonely time when you don't want to tell anyone because you don't want to be judged for staying or going. I feel like I've lost who I was. I don't know who I am. He ha said he's happy enough floating along in the relationship. And I think, Jesus, I am worth a bit more than that?? Last night, he got very drunk, the angry mad at world drunk. While the kids were in bed, which scares me because he has broken stuff in the past. I know he'd never hurt me but it scares me.

Big Bag of Chips · 12-06-2017 9:19am

You don't need to be married! He knows that. Hrs just not ready yet to face up to his responsibilities and lack of support to you. I understand that feeling of carrying everything, lying to everyone. It is exhausting. Don't think for a second though that your family don't notice. They will see and pick up on a lot more than you imagine! But, you don't need to talk to them yet. You don't need to involve them. Once you do, it makes it harder to work on your relationship without their interference.

You need to sit down with him and make him hear how this is affecting you. Make him hear that this is coming towards the end of the line for you and if he thinks it's worth salvaging then he has to work with you. Not put them to bed and go to the pub! That's not working with you.

He might get angry, he will definitely get defensive, he might deny its as bad as you say and will almost certainly make it out to be your issue, not his. But maybe something will sink in. Maybe something will touch a nerve and make h rethink. You are effectively a single parent with the stress of another adult living under your roof. If it comes to it, you will be happier (eventually) on your own.

But try to get him to see that your relationship is in very real trouble. Maybe he'll happily take the excuse to run, or maybe he'll realise what he stands to lose. You have no control over which road he'll take. But you need to look after yourself. Maybe counselling for yourself wouldn't be a bad idea. Has your job got an EAP? Maybe even one appointment might help you, even to just offload some of the stuff from your head.

Good luck, it will all work out, one way or another.

Esme266 · 12-06-2017 9:23am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

<Snip>

We had that talk last week. We were supposed to be going on a break to think about things but he spent last 2 nights in pub and then comes home and starts at me last night. I've told him how I feel and what I want from relationship. I think he wants to get out of it. I need to get out of it.
I really appreciate the advice

Big Bag of Chips · 12-06-2017 9:29am

Ask him to leave, at least for a while. You need a breather and he needs a reality check. Although if he goes he might find he loves "the single life". If he does, so be it. But you should make him aware that he will still need to see his children.

Unfortunately I've seen many many men like him and they just never cop on. And what these men don't realise is they are absolutely blessed that the mothers of their children are as wonderful as they are. Picking up their slack for years. Raising their children for them.

You're a single parent as it is. It's actually easier to know you're 100% on your own, than to believe and expect that you have support and to be constantly let down and disappointed.

Esme266 · 12-06-2017 9:43am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

<Snip>

That's exactly how I feel. It won't interrupt my routine if he's not here cos I do all myself anyway.
I am very scared and anxious about being on my own. I don't know if I've the energy. I'm drained. But I have to leave
And I'm so sad. It's so sad bwcause I really do love him but I suppose sometimes love isn't enough. It's respect and support and communication, none of which I get

Big Bag of Chips · 12-06-2017 9:47am

If you have managed to do it all with him dragging out of you, then you will fly it without the weight of him! It won't be easy, of course it won't. But I'd guess you'll find it 100% easier than what you are dealing with now.

Yellow pack crisps · 12-06-2017 10:43am

You may love him, but he does not love you or respect you for that matter.

leggo · 12-06-2017 12:16pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Because breaking up a family isn't always as easy as people think. And before walking out every other option should be explored and exhausted first.

Easy for strangers with no emotional investment in a long term relationship and family to advice to just walk away from it all.

Hey, I'm completely with you as far as people finding it easy to advise breaking up with someone online. But just because this is new information to you and I doesn't mean it's new to the OP. She's been dealing with this for years, she suspects that he was thinking about breaking up with her before she fell pregnant two years ago, to the point it's likely become the new normal for their relationship. I'm not jumping to telling her to finish it, I'm assuming that in that time she already has done everything to try and save it and now it's just getting to the ****ty death stage of the relationship where all that's left is finding out hurtful info like this.

With all of that in mind, I'm suggesting the OP change her mindset from starting back at the start and repeating the stages of trying to save things and instead start thinking about this as the end of the relationship, so that she can move on when she's ready. Starting back at the start and trying to save it could just begin another two year cycle of hurt that won't work and isn't an ideal environment for a child to grow up in when it's going to start getting old enough to have memories for life soon.

Esme266 · 12-06-2017 12:25pm

leggo wrote: »

<Snip>.

That's very accurate. I think I'm grieving the relationship at this point. My oldest is 11 and then a 4 yr old and an 18 month old. I don't want to be selfish and stay in relationship when it's not good for them to see what goes on as "normal"! Because I know it's not. He tried to convince me that other people do it (going out after work during the week and staying out all night).
I was brought up in a house where my parents went out together and 35 yrs later are still very much in love.
He's in bed at the minute sleeping off a 2 night bender while I'm downstairs with the kids carrying on as normal.
At least if we are broken up, I'm guaranteed some time off by the kids when he comes to see them or collect them for a night!

Big Bag of Chips · 12-06-2017 12:43pm

Esme, these things don't happen over night. I know that. And leggo saying this information is new to us advising you is false!! It may be new to him, but I could have written your post many time over, over the past few years. I let it go on for far too long. I probably should, realistically, have left my husband about 8 years ago. And that was after years of it building to that point. And I should've left many many other times since.

Nothing you are posting is new to me. Including all the things he says. I think they must get given a book to recite lines from!!. "Everyone does it" etc, seemingly happy enough to coast along in a pseudo-relationship. Of course he's happy. He has everything he wants. All the nights out he wants and a cushy home life where he just has to be present, and not actually do anything. I have lived your life, for many more years than I should have.

But.... It all came to a very ugly head a couple of years ago, and now my life is 100% different to what it was all those years. Every part of my life is different, and it's better..... And we are still together!

It's not hopeless. I would have said a few years ago that it was hopeless for us, and if he had moved out it would have been the end. And if that happened, I know I would have been ok. Like you I was doing it alone anyway. But he stubbornly wouldn't leave, and I couldn't leave with 4 children. Something fairly major happened him that caused a complete turn around. It bothered me that the turn around didn't happen FOR us, as a couple, but once he got that fright he started getting some perspective. He stopped drinking. Completely. And he became a fantastic father, and a wonderful support to me. I know for sure, if he was still drinking now I would have had to do something. It had gotten to a point where it just wasn't sustainable anymore, and I was exhausted trying to hold it all together and put on a face for everyone outside.

Just because this has been going on years doesn't make it any easier to walk away from it. And just because it has been going on for years doesn't mean it can never change. But in order for there to be ANY hope, then he is the one that needs to change. Drastically. And if you don't think that that change is ever likely to come, well then nothing will ever change and that's when you have decisions to make.

For now, life is cushy for him. He has no incentive to change. So unless that incentive comes from somewhere then he will continue as he always has done.

Esme266 · 12-06-2017 12:59pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

<Snip>

I have talked to him about his drinking but he doesn't think there's a problem. He's just being sociable. I think if he stopped drinking, we could work on the other stuff. It centres around drink. I worry about him if we break up. He would lose it. I know it's not my problem but I do love him. It's wrecking my head and breaking my heart. And to be honest, even if he said he'd change, I don't think I'd believe him or trust him.

Big Bag of Chips · 12-06-2017 1:09pm

It's so difficult Esme, and it's so hard to hold it together. Financially it has to be impacting on you too. I remember going through a period of marking on the calendar how often he was in the pub. Over a 6 week period, there were 2 nights he didn't go. And those 2 nights were 2 nights where I had to go somewhere.

Drink is a curse, and people who cannot function in life without it are a drain on everyone around them. I don't envy you. I really really don't. But don't be made to feel bad for still being there, and still holding out some hope! You will come to the right decision for you when the time is right for you.

Just know that you are definitely not the only one in the country. I'd doubt you are even the only one in your area. Have a look at who he's in the pub with all these nights. Are they all single childless men?

Esme266 · 12-06-2017 1:17pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

<Snip>

That's what I say to him. They're all old and divorced or single with no kids. I tell him that. But there his friends is what he tells me. He has to pass the local pub on his way home from work and sometimes he goes straight there. He might come home have dinner and then go. He never has 1 or 2. If he goes to the takeaway to get us and the kids food, he might come back at 2 in the morning when he's been gone since half 6. We were out together last month and th lads in the pub were laughing saying only he could get away with having the family's dinner in the pub while we were at home waiting. It really hurt me that they all knew and found it funny. He laughed too. Not one bit embarrassed. I'm not a weak person. I'm very private and only ask for help when I really need it. I've not told any of my family but I'm sure they sense something . I have 2 colleagues at work who I talked to last week cos they were worried about me. I've lost a lot of weight and look shocking. It's all coming to a head now.

Big Bag of Chips · 12-06-2017 1:27pm

They're his friends because they are sitting at the bar with him. My husband had loads of "friends" too in various pubs. He hasn't heard from any of them in over a year since he stopped drinking. Unless he meets one of them somewhere and he gets "we thought you were dead" type remarks!

I feel so very sad for you, Esme. But it will work out however you want it to over the next while. Don't be afraid of making a decision. It'll be difficult, it'll be tough. You'll end up dehydrated from all the crying! But you will be ok..... Eventually!

Edit: my situation only improved because he stopped drinking. And he only stopped drinking because of an incident. I couldn't have gone on much longer. If your lad won't stop drinking then you're left with little option. But make sure he keeps up (should I say starts) his responsibility to his children.

Esme266 · 12-06-2017 1:50pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

<Snip>

I know. Thank you so much for all your advice . It's hard to understand what it's like unless you have gone through it. And I know he's a good person deep down. Hopefully, whatever happens will be the best thing for the kids and for me

leggo · 12-06-2017 3:49pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

And leggo saying this information is new to us advising you is false!! It may be new to him, but I could have written your post many time over, over the past few years.

Sorry, but for the record, I'm not saying that the info about someone affected by alcoholism was new to you or anyone else. I doubt there's a person in Ireland who hasn't been affected by it in some way. I meant this specific case is new to us so it's also easy to say "Oh you need to try save it before breaking up" when she likely has already. Sometimes people post here when a problem begins to manifest, and sometimes they post here when they're at the end of their tether, my initial point was that the years of this suggested the OP had mentioned meant she was closer to the end and she had had enough.

In these situations, it's admirable to both stay and fight, and admirable to leave too, there's no one right solution. Just because you committed to someone before doesn't mean you should feel obliged to go through certain stages on their behalf for the sake of children. They changed that commitment with their behaviour. Children bounce back from these things and it's ultimately healthier for them to grow up in a happier environment, that's all that matters as far as they're concerned.

If the OP feels she's tried everything and is still unhappy, she can feel comfortable in finishing the relationship and doesn't have any obligation to stay and fight for it, whether it's worked for others in the past, or whether she has children or not. At this stage she can do what's best for her and **** him anyway, he hasn't thought of her and brought this all on himself with poor decisions.

Esme266 · 12-06-2017 4:10pm

leggo wrote: »

Sorry, but for the record, I'm not saying that the info about someone affected by alcoholism was new to you or anyone else. I doubt there's a person in Ireland who hasn't been affected by it in some way. I meant this specific case is new to us so it's also easy to say "Oh you need to try save it before breaking up" when she likely has already. Sometimes people post here when a problem begins to manifest, and sometimes they post here when they're at the end of their tether, my initial point was that the years of this suggested the OP had mentioned meant she was closer to the end and she had had enough.

In these situations, it's admirable to both stay and fight, and admirable to leave too, there's no one right solution. Just because you committed to someone before doesn't mean you should feel obliged to go through certain stages on their behalf for the sake of children. They changed that commitment with their behaviour. Children bounce back from these things and it's ultimately healthier for them to grow up in a happier environment, that's all that matters as far as they're concerned.

If the OP feels she's tried everything and is still unhappy, she can feel comfortable in finishing the relationship and doesn't have any obligation to stay and fight for it, whether it's worked for others in the past, or whether she has children or not. At this stage she can do what's best for her and **** him anyway, he hasn't thought of her and brought this all on himself with poor decisions.

I appreciate all and any advice about this. My brain is so fried at this stage .

Big Bag of Chips · 12-06-2017 4:17pm

leggo wrote: »

I meant this specific case is new to us so it's also easy to say "Oh you need to try save it before breaking up" when she likely has already.

And had I posted here 8 years ago I would have been asked why am I still in the relationship. As you say, there's no right or wrong. It would have been nothing new to me back then, and it was nothing new to me 6 years later. People will choose what is right for themselves when the time is right.

I just dislike the flippant attitude some people have to other people's relationships. If it was as easy as all that to leave him she'd have done it by now!

Relationships take hard work. They don't have to be disposable. But the hard work has to come from both people. As is often said here, Esme, if nothing changes then nothing will change. He has no reason to change himself. Now, maybe he's one of those people who is incapable of changing. Maybe drink will always come first for him. But until he sees a real consequence of his drinking he's very unlikely to quit.

And even if he does see a consequence and makes significant changes you are under no obligation to continue a relationship. Everyone has their breaking point.

Edit: I know what you mean about him turning out worse if you end it. I know had me and my husband broken up he would have ended up drinking more, purely because he would never have felt the need to go home. He would have had even more excuse to be out, drowning his sorrows, stop himself from getting lonely etc. Relationships are complicated, especially when children are concerned and the question "well why are you still with him?" obviously is a difficult one to answer, and even if you manage to answer it, it's a difficult one for others to understand.

Esme266 · 12-06-2017 4:50pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

<Snip>

I know that is exactly what he will do. He will spiral and his business will suffer. As it is he's functioning but that's because I'm always at him to come home . It's sad that I have to beg him to come home and he gets mad but I take it because I would hate to see him waste his life down there. It's such a curse.But I am still young (31), I can't spend my life fixing something that can't be fixed. He won't acknowledge that he has a problem

Big Bag of Chips · 12-06-2017 5:10pm

Maybe you need to get yourself to Al-Anon. Or counselling of some sort. You need an outlet, and you need to realise, as you have said, that you can't fix him. His problems are of his own making. By you "minding" him and covering for him, and making things easy for him you are only enabling him and prolonging it all.

You're not alone though! And what you are doing, and have been doing is completely normal in the circumstances.

Esme266 · 12-06-2017 5:22pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Maybe you need to get yourself to Al-Anon. Or counselling of some sort. You need an outlet, and you need to realise, as you have said, that you can't fix him. His problems are of his own making. By you "minding" him and covering for him, and making things easy for him you are only enabling him and prolonging it all.

You're not alone though! And what you are doing, and have been doing is completely normal in the circumstances.

I never actually thought of it as enabling. But that's exactly what it is. Feck sake I'm making it easier for him to do these things cos I'm covering and minding him

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