Just a thought.

LegacyUser

I feel kind of pathetic and silly asking this (considering the nature of most of the subjects on this forum), but did anyone else here never hear from an ex again after you broke up?

My ex broke up with me a little over a year ago and I haven't heard from him since and it's looking like I probably never will. We were in a relationship for two years which is by no means long but still all the same. Everyone I know whose had a break-up, has had a drunken text or a call (or a series of them), anything really, the list goes on. I think this has been in the back of my head but I never really acknowledged it. Last week a friend brought him up (I never speak about him generally), but she asked me how long it had been since we split and then she asked had he got in contact in that time. The look she gave me when I said "no" made me feel like crap and I began questioning it myself. And now here I am.

Now, don't get me wrong, not hearing from him was a God send in every way so I realise I'm being a maudlin idiot for thinking this way and I'll probably feel different in the morning, no doubt. Him not contacting me meant I could move on (he was the one who no longer felt the same way about me). And even on my birthday, although I half wondered whether he'd acknowledge it, I knew in my heart he wouldn't and I was glad he didn't. But as silly as it sounds, I kind of feel like it reinforces the fact I never really mattered that much to him. I know him well as a person, and I know he's the type to send stupid drunken messages and because of the radio silence, it makes me feel like I wasn't even worth a text. As if I never really entered his mind after we went our separate ways. A big leap to make but not unusual I'm sure.

Also - I have the means to find out about his life/ how he's getting on etc., without contacting him directly but he wouldn't be able to do that with me. He pretty much wouldn't know anything about me unless I personally told him. I've never looked him up on social media in that time either (it would have been stupid to and I would have set myself back). But in an objective sense, he would have been the one to have more of an inclination to contact me directly - even just out of simple curiosity. But he didn't.

I'm no longer in love with him, I'm fairly indifferent when I think of him in that way now so I guess I could partially write it off as an ego thing but nah, it's more than that. Before we got into a relationship we were very close friends and I guess while I don't look back fondly on the relationship, I do on our friendship. I would think he thought the same. I definitely miss that aspect and I suppose that makes me feel the lowest. I should add, I never contacted him because I didn't have the opportunity to. I stopped drinking and I deleted his number from my phone and I just kept the head whenever I felt the urge and let it pass. But I'm wondering am I alone in feeling this way? Did other people never hear from their ex again? Everyone around me seems to have had that contact and either it continued or it burned out, but it was still there. Again - apologies, I know it's fairly trivial when compared to most.

Thanks for reading.

Ursus Horribilis

When people break up and come looking for advice here, they're usually told to block to block their ex's number and cut all contact. Maybe it's something as simple as that? Or that he deleted your number off his phone so that he can't drunk text. You mentioned you've taken his number off your phone so it's not as if you have a problem with that.

Is there any reason as such why you're bothered by this? Loneliness? Boredom? Perhaps you'd be better served by trying to change other aspects of your life.

GritBiscuit

justathought3 wrote: »

...I deleted his number from my phone and I just kept the head whenever I felt the urge and let it pass.

Maybe it's as simple as he did the same?

I think it depends on you and depends on the ex - like most things around relationships there is no usual or normal here. Some people like to stay in touch with exes and some don't. I do much the same as you and regardless of how often I think about them, I don't act on it. Could be pride, could be stubbornness, could be self-preservation - probably a little from all.

He may very well miss your friendship but know he can't or doesn't want friendship from you having shared a relationship and that's his prerogative - don't take it as a reflection of your worth....and look forward, get out and meet new people and do new things so you don't focus on what's behind you.

All the best

SimpleDimples

You never usually hear from exes who have a bit of decency, maturity and cop on.
And it's easier to move on as a result.

It's the eejits that text ever time they are bored/horny/lonely you have to worry about.

He obviously had enough respect for you to make it a clean break and no more painful than it has to be :-)

Skibunny77

Op, I know of lots of situations where friends had a complete break - and as the last poster said, it was when the guys had cop on and maturity that they stayed away completely. I never contacted someone when I ended a relationship, generally as I respected them far too much to send mixed messages. It sounds as though you have made really good choices in the break up of this relationship, as did your partner, don't let the perceptions of others interfere with that.

LegacyUser

Just to go against the grain a little bit here.

Yes it is possible to hear from ex's again. I'm late 30s, and before my most recent ex I had been in three long term relationships. Two of those ex's i would still consider to be friends (in one case there was infidelity on her part, so decided not to remain friends).

However, this was probably before technology had advanced to being able to block numbers. When I say friends, I don't mean best friends, of course not, but we could say hello to each other form time to time, or if we bumped into each other we could grab a coffee and a friendly chat.

Of course some time had to elapse before that could happen but it was all done without blocking or cutting off the other person entirely, while still having the respect for each other to give them the time and space that they needed, and i am glad of it and glad to have them as friends.

So in answer to the OP yes they can, but there has to be respect involved from both sides.

Which leads me on to a bit of an aside (perhaps worthy of a thread of its own? Mods feel free to move if necessary)

There appears to be a dominant culture now of block block block at all costs post break-up. I know some posters have argued that this is out of respect and causes minimal pain to all. I would have to disagree.

I think true respect is keeping the avenues of communication open while having the discipline not to pursue them until the time is right, then true friendship may be possible afterwards (if that is what people want-call me naive but I like to think that when i share my life with someone for a substantial period of time I am not just going to vanish of the face of the earth for that person).

From my own experience, I had never experienced this culture of blocking up until my most recent ex. And you know what? It was the one that hurt the most. She was a bit younger than me so perhaps its the done thing amongst her peer group, but after a whirlwind relationship where everything was moving in the right direction, I got dumped by a very vague text followed by being blocked on all fronts.

This is the break-up that hurt the most despite it being the shortest relationship of them all. I know there is no possibility of friendship after this, as in my opinion breaking up by a very pithy text and then blocking showed a massive disrespect, denied me closure, and denied us any chance to say goodbye properly.

So perhaps with 'blocking at all costs' the baby is thrown out with the bathwater sometimes, and also blocking can be used in some cases by the dumper to cop out of dealing with things properly.

Just my 2c, thoughts welcome, didnt realise this would turn into the essay that it has.

conorhal

The OP smacks a little of 'but where's my drama?'

I've always liked Richard Linklater's 'Before Sunrise', there's a great line in it about breakups:

Jesse: You know what's the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? It's when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they're thinking of you. You know, you'd like to think you're both in all this pain but they're just like "Hey, I'm glad you're gone".

SozBbz

Op - you've allowed this friend of yours to plant a seed of doubt in your head thats really not helpful to you. Why would you do that to yourself?

All relationships are different and thus, breakups differ too. I'd say yours has actually gone really well, I wouldnt look to undermine that, just for the sake of it.

Don't go looking for drama where there is none.

Jasper_

I would love to contact my last ex.

She is a wonderful human being and would love to have her in my life, even in a very limited capacity.

In saying this, I have however maintained radio silence with her for two years. Why? purely out of respect. I hurt the girl, to contact her out of the blue may cause her further hurt. I could very well be wrong and she would be fine about it - but I just don't want to take that risk.

Your ex may just be thinking along the same lines as me.

gline

OP - I'm sure if you wanted to get in contact with your ex you could. it just sounds like you want them to make the move and contact you, to make you feel wanted. Ask yourself why your ex of 2 years is still on your mind to that level?

Best to just move on. Ignore your friend, a good majority of people dont contact their exes, they just move on in life and find a better suited partner.

witchgirl26

OP - I've had contact with some ex's and none with others. It depends on a number of factors. There was one who I contacted maybe about a year after we'd broken up as I thought some things had been left unsaid and I needed to say them. Totally selfish and realised that afterwards so completely cut contact.

It's not unusual. I know people who have never seen or heard from an ex after the relationship ended no matter the length. I'd guess that maybe you read too much into the look your friend gave you but if you don't think you did - maybe just ask them why they brought that up. It's none of their business either.