marriage issues

LegacyUser

I think I know what the replies are going to be. But I need to her my head around things.

I am thinking of leaving my husband. We have 1 toddler together.

The issue is he is incredibly selfish and has a drink problem. Not a good combination especially with children involved.

We never go out and that doesn't bother me. It's something that I accept because my child will always come first.

The drinking at home is getting out of control. When it hits Friday to Sunday, it all begins each night. I dread weekends.

He drinks so much he wets the bed. When he wakes up he discovers what he has done, changes out of his pjs/boxers and goes down to sleep on the couch, leaving me asleep on my side of the bed. So disrespectful and also disgusting.

At a family function last weekend, he wet himself again in bed on the hotel. No remorse. He decided he was staying the extra day and let me drive home alone to collect our son. This upset me but I didn't want to cause a scene at the hotel and so I left. He went on the drink all that day sending me texts of what fun he was having etc. I ignored these.

It was my friends birthday last night and I went out for drinks. I wasn't pushed on going anyway but he insisted on me going as we don't get out. So I went under the promise that he was going to watch a movie and have an early night as he was in work today.

What I came home to was a man passed out in bed, In a pool of his own urine. He woke up, went downstairs and drank 2 more beers. My beautiful child was in bed in his cot, and I dread to think if anything happened, my awful husband wouldn't be coherent enough to realise. I mean he was so drunk he barged into my son's room thinking it was the toilet at 5am. This is not the first time he has done this.

He went to work and I get a message saying he got to finish at lunchtime and was off to the Aviva with the lads on the beer for the football. No questions about if that suited me with our son. Nothing. No consideration.

I realised he had the pram in his car. My car is at my friends house and so I cannot leave the house with our son. I text to ask him about it, he replied sorry can't talk I'm at a match.

You couldn't make this stuff up and the anger and hurt I'm experiencing right now is overwhelming. I sat and cried. My son will always come before anyone. Has anyone ever been in such a situation?

marizpan

Hi OP, I have been where you are now.
I am now separated and have never been happier! It's actually easier solo than dealing with having to carry him also.

They were the worse years of my life, hiding his drinking while raising kids solo.
The stress, the dread, the eggshells.

Instead of wetting the bed, he would urinate in the corner of a room and I clean it up in the morning crying!

Don't expect him to change, that hope can cost years.

LegacyUser

You are not alone millions of men and women are living with problem drinkers. It is awful soul destroying place to be. You know you can't leave your little one with him anymore while he is not address his alchol issues. It happens quite a lot that someones drinking gets worse after the birth of a baby. you should get help for you and surport. Family and friends may not be great for the advice part if they haven't been there but great to help out with the baby when you need a break. Call al-anon they will help you find a meeting the people there will help you find the path that is right for you and support you while you do it. Feeling not alone gives you hope. Take care of you. He is his own person his behavior is not yours. From some one who is there too.

jimd2

When he is sober does he admit that he has a problem?

If he quit drinking would you se a future together?

retro:electro

He sounds like an inconsiderate asshole. You are basically caring for two babies. I honestly don't know what to say to you only you don't deserve to put up with that and I don't blame you for having doubts. That's no life to live.

Big Bag of Chips

There are very very many people living your exact life, unfortunately. Things are unlikely to change for you, unless something drastic happens to force a change. It's not easy to walk away from a marriage, especially when children are involved. But you need to start thinking about yourself. How long more are you willing to put up with this? Would he ever admit he over does it? Would he ever admit his drinking has now become a problem.

Unfortunately with problem drinkers, their drinking becomes a problem for those closest to them long before it becomes a problem for them. If you could arrange to get to an Al-Anon meeting for yourself it might help you. And you should also know that whilst you think you're hiding this well and covering for him, other close to you will have noticed that he goes overboard regularly. Try to find someone you trust that you can confide in. It will be a big help to you.

Wulfie

MarriageQ wrote: »

I am thinking of leaving my husband. We have 1 toddler together.

The issue is he is incredibly selfish and has a drink problem.

Has anyone ever been in such a situation?

Surely you have legal grounds to kick him out and keep the house. I can't understand why you'd consider leaving yourself. Tell him take his pissy mattress and go sleep elsewhere.

Even when your alcoholic gives it up ,he/she will probably have started on a "selfish program".
You're better off having no part of it.

vintagecosmos

I've been the child in your scenario OP. You can't change him. You need to do what's best for you and your child. That is not a healthy environment for either of you. Start with a break and go from there.

harr

Op
To he honest I would never recommend anyone leave a husband/wife without trying to work it out or going to marriage counsellor but in this instance I don't think you have choices even if it is only a separation till he tries to sort himself out..
At this stage he can't even be trusted to mind your child safely and it's definitely not an environment to be raising a child.
He has no respect for you and the drink is his number one priority at this stage.. as mentioned above life at this stage would be easier as a single parent...op you can't keep living life in the conditions you mentioned above.

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This post has been deleted.

"jimd2

"jimd2 wrote: »

If he quit drinking would you se a future together?

Speaking from experience, there are "nice" functioning alcoholics who suffer from remorse or regret or at least try to fit their lives into their disease.

His sober behaviour speaks volumes about his character, I wouldn't waste any time in getting out.

tara73

I would advice you to get out of this immediately. I doubt he will let himself be kicked out of the house. So for your own safety, but in first instance for the safety of your child, get out there. Do you have family or close friends you can stay?
This is a serious situation, you can't leave the toddler alone with this man. I would fear for his/her safety.

If you don't have family to help you, there are organisations like womens' aid to help you.

LegacyUser

It is a horrible situation you are in. The reality is that he has a severe drinking problem. He is not capable of minding your child when you even take a night off to go out with friends.
What would have happened if you baby suddenly got sick that night and he needed to drive them to the out of hours doctors service or the local hospital?
From what you told us he just sat their drinking without a care for his baby that he was minding for just one night.

He is coming in drunk, wetting the bed or elsewhere in the house. His whole life is based on going to work and going out drinking.
How is he doing in work because if he is going in drunk or hung over everyday it has to be effecting his work. Does he drive home after the drinking sessions?

At this stage I would be getting legal advice and get him out of the house. You can't let things go on as they have been. You deserve better than this and so does you child. How would you feel if your child saw him this way in a few years time?
Also if he is drinking like this he is spending a lot of money on drink and that money could be put to better use espically as your child get older.

I know a woman who husband is working. He has money to go to the pub everynight but leaves her to pay most of the bills from her social welfare. She has 2 kids. One of the kids is in secondary school and wants to do x course in college in another part of the country. She has no money saved for this due to his drinking. They have a very old car. She is married close to 20 years. She has never been on a decent holiday since her honeymoon depsite having a small mortage and 2 incomes.
Do you want to be in this position in 15 to 18 years time?

Dont be affraid to tell friends and family what he is like so you have support. I know this won't be easy but you have to think of your life and your babies life long term. Some of the other posts here grew up with a parent who was a heavy drinker and long term it had a bad effect on them and the rest of their families.

PressRun

He cannot be trusted to care for your child alone with the kind of habits he has and you seem to be getting very little support from him. I wouldn't be wasting any time leaving. It's not a safe environment for your son and the frustration and stress will put you in an early grave.

shesty

I have two smallies OP, and their daddy is their hero.
Is this what you want your son to look up to as he grows up?
I am so, so sorry you are going through this, and I can only imagine how hard it is....but I think you do need to end the relationship.Just know that you're not alone.
Please seek help if you can and start looking into leaving.

Daisy78

You poor love. I can totally relate to what you are going through. Although in my case we weren't married and didn't have a child. But the binge drinking, bed wetting and erratic selfish behaviour was something I also had to deal with. It was only when he disappeared one working day to go off on a session with his work mates did the penny finally drop, he wasn't going to change. In the end I finished it to avoid the exact scenario that you now find yourself in. Whatever about me I couldn't bring a child into that environment.

Problem drinkers do change but not under pressure or persuasion from any outside source. If they don't want to change then they won't, it doesnt matter what the consequences. And I use the term problem drinker because very often someone with this issue doesn't fit neatly into what we term an alcoholic so we end up questioning ourselves as to whether there is actually a problem at all. In my case my partner would head out to work Monday to Friday and for the most part not drink, or at least when be did he would manage to get up for work. But the weekend was carnage. What it has come down to is that he has put his drinking before you, your son, his health, his reputation. Drink has now become his priority.

How you deal with this of course a matter for yourself, nobody here can tell you what to do, as somebody on here once said it's easy to tell a person to leave their troubled marriage without being the one to have to suffer the consequences in the real world. If it was me id do exactly what I did in my own situation many years ago, I'd give him the opportunity to get help, join AA (there may be other similar support groups out there now ) and make a serious effort towards getting better or if not then you and your son have to look after yourselves without him in your life. At this point you need support from family and friends, confide in someone you can trust, who will give you the emotional support when you need it. Because all of this is very tough to do on your own.