How to tell my older sister who has had numerous miscarriages that I'm expecting?

LegacyUser

Hello, my husband and I are expecting, and have our first scan this week and consultant appointment. Have been feeling well, and over the moon and can't wait to start sharing our good news. I am very nervous about telling my eldest sister that I'm expecting. I'm 30, and the youngest of 4 girls. My eldest sister is in her 40's, and has been with her partner a few years now and they are very happy together, however they had been trying for a baby up until a year ago and had 3 miscarriages. I can't even imagine what she has been through. I'm very nervous about telling her that we are expecting, and know that doing it in the right way will probably go a long way, but even still, that it may take time... When I told her that we got engaged, she burst into tears and didn't speak to me basically for the year approaching the wedding. I know this is completely different but am just so fearful of upsetting her or approaching this in the wrong way, and ruining any relationship that we've rebuilt since the wedding... Has anyone been in a similar situation, or been through this and have any advice on the best way we can approach this? Thank you in advance.

ruahead

Hi,just tell her and say I understand that this may upset you and I'm sorry . It's perfectly normal and understandable that this news is hard for you. She probably feels bitter and hates herself for it, I did. Not talking to you after you got engaged though sounds a bit full on though. If that happens , she needs to reassess.

_Brian

I think just do it in a private setting, she will be delighted for you, in private she may grieve.
If possible give her husband a heads up first so he can be prepared for any issues it brings up.
Having been in the position one thing my wife would always have said is that she hated people being afraid to say the word "baby" around her, she was always delighted for other people and was asked to be godmother for our niece which she really enjoyed doing.

Loveinapril

Fair play to you for being so sensitive. I think telling her over the phone is probably a safer way to tell her. It allows her the time to process it privately as it sounds like it will be hard for her. She can then get the tears out of the way and be able to hug you when she sees you. I think it would be unfair to tell her husband first, especially if he tells her.

I had a miscarriage last year, and a friend of mine text me to tell me of her pregnancy a few months later. Her thought was it allowed me to be in charge of how I managed the news. Of course I phoned her immediately, delighted. I used that tactic a few months later with another friend who miscarried when I told her I was pregnant. She responded to congratulate me but hasn't mentioned it since in all our chats (nearly 2 months). But I think the texting worked, in allowing her the time to get her head around it and engage as much or as little in the pregnancy chat as she wants. I know texting isn't appropriate for a lot of people but it works for me and my friends as that is the way we communicate.

Pawwed Rig

Why did she not talk to you after you got engaged?

shortstuff!

A close friend text me to tell me her news after I had 2 recent miscarriages. Basically said she wanted to tell me herself and knew I'd had been going through a tough time. I wasn't upset or anything (was actually pregnant again which helped) but appreciated that I could have my reaction privately, then be a good friend and support her. She actually has the same due date as the baby I lost. I don't know if texting is appropriate with your sister but you know your relationship better. It's obviously harder if your sister has no kids and have given up but that shouldn't take away your joy.

Hannibal_Smith

Wow! Why did she not speak to you before the wedding?

You've done nothing wrong. This is good news for you. You could break it to her gently, but if this is how she reacted to news of you engagement it may well be that no matter how you tell her she may not take it well.

Gael23

I would sit down with her and tell her face to face. Asking her to be godmother I think would make her feel more part of it also.

Ms. Chanandler Bong

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Why did she not talk to you after you got engaged?

I'm also curious about this. Was it because there was a more definite prospect of you trying to conceive as opposed to the abstract thought that one of her sisters might someday have a baby? TBH getting that bent out of shape when you merely got engaged that she cold-shouldered you for a year would signal to me that she's going to take this very badly altogether. What was your relationship with her husband like during this year of silence? If he was fair-minded during it (not just ignoring you because she was ignoring you but made an effort to talk to you from time to time) then I'd agree with the poster above who suggested contacting him first for advice. If he ignored you as well (and I'm not saying he did it out of badness, he could have been simply keeping the peace at home), then maybe sound out your mum or another sister first.
At the end of the day, this is your first time being pregnant. It's a huge deal for you and your husband, an amazingly exciting time (best of luck with the scan BTW!) that you'll never experience in the same way if and when you get pregnant again. It's all the firsts: the first positive test, the first flutters, the first proper kicks, the first scan, etc. Speaking from experience, your next pregnancies are all "that happened then with our first', "i never had that with our first". I fully appreciate why you're this concerned about your sister's reaction and think it's wonderful that you are considering her feelings to this extent. If, however, you get the sense that no matter what you do, she's going to react badly, then I'd suggest texting her first so she has time to adjust then sitting all your family down together and telling them at the same time. You know they're going to be delighted for you, it's up to her how she reacts.

Delphinium

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Enjoy this time. Hope all goes well and you have a healthy baby.
Is your sister married? Just that you mention partner. If not, maybe she is just very envious of your path in life and can't hide it.

My firstborn died aged six from cancer and I found it difficult to see his peers continue as they progressed through life as it showed me the future my son would never have. But I did my crying in private and participated in their celebrations when I felt I could. The ache in your heart is so overwhelming that seeing others with what you miss most is a heavy burden. Now I see them married and with children and can be joyful about this but the loss of my son's future still breaks my heart,

But she is an adult and should behave with basic good manners. How does she cope with your other sisters as they reach milestones. Celebrate your good news and if she ignores you then so be it. She needs to adjust her attitude and play the cards she has been dealt.
I wouldn't ask her to be godmother unless she shows genuine happiness in welcoming your baby.

The Princess Bride

Gael23 wrote: »

I would sit down with her and tell her face to face. Asking her to be godmother I think would make her feel more part of it also.

Not necessarily, plus there might be other candidates the OP or her husband would like as godparent.

Delphinium wrote: »

I wouldn't ask her to be godmother unless she shows genuine happiness in welcoming your baby.

I agree with this.

While I'd have every sympathy with anyone who's had a miscarriage, it's not your fault that it happened your sister and you shouldn't be nervous about telling her your good news.
Her ignoring you after announcing your engagement sounds like sour grapes and jealousy and for a woman of her years, rather immature.

Congratulations on your news and enjoy this precious time.
Somehow I feel that your sister's reaction will be more down to her personality rather than her past miscarriages.

Take care.

LegacyUser

Hi all, thank you for replies. Sorry, I thought this post actually hadn't posted for some reason so actually didn't manage to keep an eye on it. I really appreciate peoples feedback. We actually called over to their house in Dublin yesterday, and told them. It actually went well. I'm so relieved. I know it was hard for her but that's understandable. It was a fact that it could have gone either way but thankfully it went the right way Yes, you're right. She isn't married and they probably won't get married, so that was possibly it with the engagement... She was the same with my other sister for her wedding, and didn't have much of a relationship with her for the first few years after she had kids, but I'm hopeful and positive that given how yesterday went, that things will be more positive for everyone this time Thank you all again x