how often do you spend with your bf/gf? feel i'm losing independence

BornIn84

Hey guys,

I have a GF since November. She's cool, we get on great and i love her but i feel like i don't have time to myself anymore. We work in same company and we chat during the day on and off.
I'm pretty independent and some nights after work i just wanna go home and chill, read, play guitar and get stuff done in my apartment or hang with my mates.
Now she's mostly alright with that, she doesn't throw a strop, but while i'm not with her she's texting me.
I get into a guilt trip mood if I say i wanna be by myself. The reason i feel guilty is that, yes she has housemates but she doesnt have a lot of mates in Dublin since she moved here from the country.
For her, it's either, hang out with me or hang at home.
Should i feel guilty for wanting to spend time by myself? Sometimes i feel a little smothered or that my goals are hindered because I have to spend 6 out of 7 days a week with her.
Is it bad just to ask for some time to myself? I don't wanna resent her cos i do love hanging with her. I just feel she needs independence from me too.
Cheers.

silverharp

probably a lot of the guilt is in your head but I would certainly free up days for yourself. As for the phone, leave it in your coat pocket when you get home in the evening, no reason whatsoever anyone should be expected to respond to texts all the time.

jk23

It's imperative you have time for yourself, I think it makes for a healthy relationship to have seperate interests and lives.

groovyg

Its good to have some time to yourself otherwise you'll end up suffocating each other. You don't have to reply to her texts immediately, just tell her you are busy if she is constantly texting. Does she have any hobbies or interests of her own?

BornIn84

Thanks Groovy.
This is the problem..after work she likes to just chill. She doesnt have anything that she majorly loves.
I love writing, I love guitar and both take up hours of my time. I feel bad if i say I just wanna go home and do those things some nights.
She needs to involve herself in things so that her friendbase expands too. One of her friends from home lives in Dublin but she's an absolute flake when it comes to meeting up. Her sister lives here but she's the same.

GuessWhoEh

You should NEVER feel guilty for wanting time by yourself. Me and boyfriend see each other twice a week, if even. Even seeing each other a second time is a stretch sometimes as we both have full time jobs and tend to do our own things after work. During the weekends we tend to make the most of our days by going on day trips or little dates. You need time by yourself. Catch up on washing, read a book, play playstation. Although each relationship varies and my friend and her boyfriend spend every moment they have together. What she finds normal is what I find too much. You can't deprive yourself from your own time.

Jixa

Myself and my boyfriend work together and live together on our own so I know how mad and intense it can be sometimes! I actually can't stress how important it is that you get your own time and she gets hers because you definitely will end up resenting her if you feel there's a lack of freedom and personal space! Maybe try to sit down with her, tell her how much you do care and love having her around but that there's going to be some times when you want to do your own thing and that she needs to understand that. She really shouldn't have a problem with it and maybe you could encourage her to make more friends because that would benefit both of you, Girlcrew on Facebook could be a good place for her to started!

mahamageehad

Agreed, you need your own time and you shouldn't be ashamed of that!
I'm the gf in your scenario - I don't have much of a friend base since I moved here 2 years ago and work colleagues are all much older with families. Still though, I know how much we value our own time. We live together but still we do anti-social Mondays every week(where we eat dinner together then go our own ways for the night) and Sunday morn and afternoon is alone time too. Plus at any time in between we just say to each other that we need a few hours. It's a nice place to be, I couldn't handle someone needing my full attention all the time!

retro:electro

I'm actually quite introverted and get exhausted from being around people. I love nothing more than to be in a room on my own, watching tv and being silent. I live with my boyfriend and he's quite the opposite but we are so long together now that it just works. He'll go out with his friends on a Sunday and go for pints and I'll usually stay at home, maybe visit my mam and just potter around on my own.
It is so important to have space. You'll end up resenting each other and tearing the heads off each other otherwise.

Ruby31

I'm with my husband 15 years, married 2 years. I'm so glad that when I'm on nights out, he doesn't text me AT ALL. Unless one of the kids is sick and he can't find the medicine or something, I don't hear from him. Likewise, when he's out, I don't contact him. It's completely unfair to butt in on someone's 'me time'.

witchgirl26

OP has she ever said anything to you or is it just you feeling guilty? Maybe as she doesn't have things like that that she does at home she doesn't get it but would be fine with it if you just said it.

Having space in a relationship is a good thing. I used to work with my bf and we would rarely spend an evening together during the week as needed some of our own time. Living together now and in separate companies but both do our own thing at times as spending too much time together is not healthy either.

I'd say just have a chat to her and let her know it's not you ignoring her or anything but that these things are important to you too.

SozBbz

Myself and himself live together but are fairly independent.

When we first started dating, we'd see each other once or twice a week.

No obviously we see each other at home but I go to the gym 3/4 times a week and himself has a hobby that he might indulge in the odd evening or for a few hours stretch at the weekend.

We don't live in each others pockets, nor would I want us to.

I think you should try taking to your girlfriend and nip this in the bud. The fact that you work together is intense enough, but spending almost all of the remainder of your time together/in contact is a lot in most peoples books. You use words like "guilty" and "smothered", so if you don't address this, you will grow to resent her.

Also, its fine if she likes sitting in in the evenings, but you shouldn't have to do this just because thats her preference. Couples can/should have separate hobbies and interests without it becoming an issue.

ManOfMystery

It's an issue I've had to deal with in the past with an ex.

Everyone needs time to recharge - call it downtime, 'me' time, whatever. For some who are introverts and like peace/quiet, that means doing their own thing like reading a book in solitude - for others, it's watching movies with your partner, or playing a sport, or going to the pub or whatever. It can be anything, but the important thing is that you actually do it or else you end up stressed, irritable, and feel like you do now - that you're losing your independence. 

I have similar interests to yourself - writing and guitar - and find that I really need some peace, quiet and isolation to enjoy these properly. Luckily  my wife is fairly independent also so there's no issue with disappearing upstairs for a couple of evenings a week to indulge, just as I have no issue with her meeting her friends for coffee or whatever she elects to do. There's certainly no constant texts or things - IMO each partner should respect the other's time to themselves. 
Don't feel guilty about having your own time. Your girlfriend needs to understand that it's a healthy thing to do. What would you talk about otherwise? "What did you do last night?" "Sat here on the sofa with you, remember?". 

My ex's issue was that she perceived me wanting alone time (and not replying to constant texts when I was friends) as a sign that there was a problem with our relationship, or I was falling out of love with her and she was no longer #1. Aside from a general princess attitude on her part, this was a clear sign of insecurity and was very much her issue and not mine.