behind in life

LegacyUser

I feel so behind in life.

I am 35 and single. I am house searching at the moment.
I see lots of couples in their twenties house searching against me.
I haven't found a partner yet and I worry that I never will.
I have trained for a long time to get where I am in life. As a result I have a good salary . I'd imagine my salary is equal to theirs combined.
I wish I had bought a house earlier and I now had a nice partner to share it with. And to share the worry of house buying with.
People who earn less than me are able to buy a nicer house than me just because they have a partner. I know that is obvious and I know that it is fair but it makes me feel down. I know sound like a bitch saying that but i want to be honest and i want to write it down somewhere and say it to someone but i obviously cant do it in reality so i choose to do.it anonymously online. I m actually a nice person and I want nice things to happen to all members if our society.
Please don't judge me I just want to be honest somewhere.

I feel invisible sometimes. Because I don't have children I feel not recognised by society. I feel anchorless and drifting.

I feel my life is not following the path I want it to.
If only i had a partner...... then i.would get to have a partner and the loveliness that brings... and also a house that I actually.like!!!

joeguevara

Behind wrote: »

I feel so behind in life.

I am 35 and single. I am house searching at the moment.
I see lots of couples in their twenties house searching against me.
I haven't found a partner yet and I worry that I never will.
I have trained for a long time to get where I am in life. As a result I have a good salary . I'd imagine my salary is equal to theirs combined.
I wish I had bought a house earlier and I now had a nice partner to share it with. And to share the worry of house buying with.
People who earn less than me are able to buy a nicer house than me just because they have a partner. I know that is obvious and I know that it is fair but it makes me feel down. I know sound like a bitch saying that but i want to be honest and i want to write it down somewhere and say it to someone but i obviously cant do it in reality so i choose to do.it anonymously online. I m actually a nice person and I want nice things to happen to all members if our society.
Please don't judge me I just want to be honest somewhere.

I feel invisible sometimes. Because I don't have children I feel not recognised by society. I feel anchorless and drifting.

I feel my life is not following the path I want it to.
If only i had a partner...... then i.would get to have a partner and the loveliness that brings... and also a house that I actually.like!!!

You seem obsessed with a house. Owning one is not all it's cracked up to be and sometimes it's like a noose around your neck. For example, you can't just say fcuk it I am going to travel the world or.

The children one is hard. I don't think society doesn't recognise you but it does feel like your the odd one out. I'm 38 and single. Yeah, not being with someone is sh1te. I do think people look at me strangely and say he must be fcuked up because he is perpetually single. I am not sure why I am. But, life goes on. I hope it changes one day. But I suppose what I wanted to say is don't worry about the house. Make yourself feel better and I am sure you will find someone. Maybe they will have a mansion as well.

Airyfairy12

Im 30 and have made peace with the fact that I will never own a house and most likely never have kids or get married. It just doesnt work out for some people. It is frustrating when you see people of any age but particularly younger than you living the life you want, somethings just seem to fall into place for some people with very little struggle, others aren't so blessed. It is almost impossible for single people these days to buy a home and tbh I dont think id like a massive mortgage hanging over me for the rest of my life. Kids and a partner are things you cant force, it either happens or it doesnt. Focus on yourself and hobbies, I know couples with kids that envy the care free single life with no attachments, the grass is greener and all that. Let go of what you cant control.

team_actimel

Stop comparing yourself to other people and watch your mindset to life change through being grateful for the positives in your life. It takes practice but it is well worth it (I know, as this has really changed my life through determination).

Have you made a lot of effort in trying to find a partner? This is going to be your main focus if you really want to settle down with someone and have children. There are people out there who I imagine are in the exact same position as you and would love to settle down with you. Don't lose hope.

'A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms.'

'The only one who's really judging you is yourself.'

LegacyUser

You might be surprised how many of those couples will envy you as they go through repeated cycles of this game;

"I love this house, the 50th one we've looked at"

"I hate it for a totally arbitrary reason which is entirely fixable, but I won't solve the problem and I will ignore what you want because I'd rather play a power game"

You can decide what you want and go for it without needing permission from someone else.

I don't know what efforts you've made to find a partner or what point they're breaking down at, but the anger and resentment that comes across in your post will be coming out in real life too and will be off-putting, no matter how guarded and outwardly positive you imagine yourself to be.

LegacyUser

I'm in a very similar time in life as you.

34, single, no kids and looking to buy a house.

It is frustrating that my budget is so low. I did find it hard to come to terms with the fact that I can't afford something as big, or a as polished as some couples I know.

But I am doing it myself, so proud of that fact. Sure, most of my friends are married now. Even my younger sibling is married before me. But I haven't found someone I could spend the rest of my life with yet. I am not going to settle just because everyone else is. You need to realise that's a good thing. I would hate to be stuck in a marriage with a mortgage with someone I married just because everyone else was getting hitched.

You have to "do you". Take your time finding someone perfect for you. And if you have to save a bit more to get the home you want, then find ways to do that.

I know it seems like things are passing you by, I have felt the same. Once I started looking at myself though, and relying on me to make my own life what I want it, I feel much better.

Don't rely on someone else to build your future, you need do it, and if you meet the perfect partner along the way, then all the better.

Sleepy

Behind wrote: »

People who earn less than me are able to buy a nicer house than me just because they have a partner. I know that is obvious and I know that it is fair but it makes me feel down. I know sound like a bitch saying that but i want to be honest and i want to write it down somewhere and say it to someone but i obviously cant do it in reality so i choose to do.it anonymously online.

Can they? Even the ones who have kids? Or partners who work at home or earn very little?

From personal experience - while I probably wouldn't have taken it due to my own stress-testing of my income being more stringent than theirs - the banks would have been prepared to give me a much larger mortgage were I single.

LegacyUser

thanks for all your messages, read and taken on board

via4

I felt behind in life but things happened quickly and wonderfully in a short space of time I literally thought I would be stuck forever. Your life will change don't worry. Go ahead with the house buying and when it's all settled and done up you could meet somebody and they could share the house with you in the future, you worked hard enjoy the house hunting best of luck x

LimerickSports

Hey I can relate to all you guys! Its a struggle but comes a time when you have to work extra hard it's overwhelming but if you want the things others have you have to work hard, and look after your mental health , making choices is very hard and almost paralyzing , and it affects self esteem been at this age , I always feel like women want a guy with a steady career, a nice enough car etc, I actually know from experience a girl broke up with me because I didnt have a career and very unsure about where my life is going I still feel this way, and its hard but life is short so it's better to try be happy if you can and just be greatful for your health etc

GingerLily

One thing to bear in mind, that when a couple buy a house, it'll be both of their homes only for as long as the relationship holds, it's a huge burden on a relationship too.

When you find your home it'll be only that, your's, no one can take it from you* and you can choose a home that you want and you won't have to compromise.


*apart from the banks, lol

Sunny Disposition

Think you are being v hard on yourself OP, you sound like you'd have a lot to offer actually.
To be honest I felt like I was 'behind' for a lot of my adult life, but things are changing all the time and no reason you won't get a few breaks, even if you feel some things aren't going very well at the moment.
When I was 35 I was in the exact same boat as you, except I had an average income and qualifications, and often felt v negative. When I was 36 things changed dramatically, bought a house and met my partner within a couple of months of each other.
I think if you consciously try to approach things positively, and really try to value yourself (things that aren't always easy to do) you're much more likely to get the things you would like. There are loads of books about this kind of thinking, I know some people don't buy into it but I think reading a few of them could be v helpful for someone who is feeling like you are.
Being alone can be hard for sure but there are positives too and it's not a life sentence either. Keep trying!

Sunny Disposition

Actually have a friend who things was in a similar position to yourself and had a lot of bad health and other difficulties. Now is quite healthy, fairly well off and married with two kids! Someone else I know was asking about him last Year and was stunned to hear about what he's at now.
Just making the point that in a few years time your life will have changed in a lot of ways and there's no reason the next few years can't go v well!

tylercheribini

<snip>

Tokyo

Mod: tylercheribini - movie quotes do not constitute advice, and are well below what is expected in the PI/RI fora. Please take a read of the forum charter before posting here again.

tylercheribini

mike_ie wrote: »

Mod: tylercheribini - movie quotes do not constitute advice, and are well below what is expected in the PI/RI fora. Please take a read of the forum charter before posting here again.

"Well below whats expected" Gotcha. The quote is both a profound statement and satirical of the false consciousness of modern society many people seem to exist in. Realising that "problems", similar to those mentioned by OP, are mere societally conditioned, arbitrary constructs is a concept I concur with. I felt explaining the quote would defeat the purpose of employing it in the first place. Humour is the most powerful weapon in dealing with life's travails.

dd972

I'm older than you OP and in a similar position yet think I'm not in such a dark place as regards it getting to me.

Why does one person end up like Niall Quinn and the next one, a basketcase like Paul Gascoigne? I believe through a mixture of nature, nurture and genetics, (also I believe, Astrology, but we'll hold off on that one!) that some folk end up with a personality that works and gets the job done for them whilst others end up being 'sold a pup' the day that they're born.

I just focus on what I like doing and makes me happy and if I do meet someone then it'll be just an act of God. Don't forget that you're still going to die even if you had everything that you wanted, don't condemn yourself to perpetual misery about not having a missus, kids, etc.

LegacyUser

All messages of all different forms! ....read and appreciated and taken on board

Daisy78

Sleepy wrote: »

Can they? Even the ones who have kids? Or partners who work at home or earn very little?

From personal experience - while I probably wouldn't have taken it due to my own stress-testing of my income being more stringent than theirs - the banks would have been prepared to give me a much larger mortgage were I single.

Ah now I don't think that is what she meant. She was referring to couples in their twenties/ early thirties who have no kids yet but are on the path to doing that.

Op I'm the same as you except I'm older. I know how exceptionally frustrating this process can be. And to add to the problem you have well meaning family, friends and colleagues suggesting areas and properties that you just can't afford on a single budget. While they have a much wider choice due to having a dual income. It seems like you are being punished for being single. But here is the thing, you will find somewhere, it may mean dropping some of your must haves and having an open mind about what kind of property you see yourself in. You can really do a lot with a small budget to make a place more liveable. And it will be all yours, no compromises!
The single bit is somewhat more difficult to solve. It's just very hard to meet someone nice and genuine these days. I guess online dating is an option. If you are any way sporty (I'm not I have to say!) joining a sports club, such as a tennis club or a running club may be the way to go. The house may come first and the fella later, it's quite a common occurrence now. Many of my female relatives bought properties on their own before they met their partners. There is nothing to say that you have to do it the "traditional" way anymore, thank heavens that rulebook was thrown out the window a long time ago!