Living apart from long-term partner long-term!

LegacyUser

Myself and my boyfriend have been together for over 14 years. Everything going great, except for one thing - we have been living apart for the past two years.

He is passionate about a career as a university lecturer and I am a school teacher. To become a lecturer, it is necessary to spend time abroad, so the two of us moved to mainland Europe three years ago, so that he could get experience over there. He had a 2 year contract, but I ended up missing home so much that I left after 1 year to take up a job in Dublin, while he stayed on for the second year.

For that year, we had a long-distance relationship, until he managed to get a job in Ireland, but on the other side of the country. So, for a second year, we lived apart and traveled across Ireland at weekends to spend as much time together as possible.

Now that the school year has finished, the time has come again for us to consider our options. Both of us are in careers in which finding a new job is difficult. He really wants me to move from Dublin, to join him on the other side the country because, at this stage in our lives/relationship "we should really be living together." However, I remember how hard is was for me living away from home before and I really don't know if I would be happy to do it again. Even the thought of it makes me very nervous.

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have a brilliant life in Dublin. I'm very close to my family here, I love my job and I'm involved in so many different clubs and groups etc that I would miss hugely if I were to move away again.

Any advice or anyone willing to share their experience would be much appreciated as this is severely stressing me out at the moment! Thanks!

miamee

I haven't been in your position but you mentioned you are a school teacher. Can you take the summer holidays to move in with him gaain and try to put down roots where he lives and see how it goes? I appreciate that you have moved once for him and now he wants you to move again but after 14 years shouldn't you know if you want to spend the rest of your life with him or not?

Have ye had a good talk about what NOT moving in with him will mean? Would you keep up the long distance indefinitely, would he look for work nearer to Dublin or would the relationship be over? And is staying in Dublin worth breaking up over if that is the case?

tara73

so you should move for him again.

I wonder, you live in Dublin, what kind of profession has he that it's not possible for him moving to Dublin?
Dublin has the most choice of jobs, what kind of job one has that's not practicable in Dublin?

It seems he needs to call the shots all the time. Does he care about your needs, which is your family and freinds you would like to be close to?

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies. As I mentioned in my first post, he's a university lecturer, so jobs are few and far between. The thing is, he would take one in Dublin tomorrow if one came up. The problem is that we don't know when a lecturing position in his subject will come up in Dublin.

One could, in theory, come up in the next year and, if I chose to move away from Dublin now, I could be in a position next year when I'm starting all over again looking for a teaching position in Dublin, which are also very difficult to get these days. I'm currently on full-hours, soon to be CID (permanent) in my current school.

LegacyUser

If living away from home is harder than living away from your husband, I think you know your answer.

Ultimately, it is easier for a teacher to get a job than a lecturer to get one, so it is probably easier for you to get a job where he is. If you aren't willing to do this then either he gives up his career or ye decide to end things.

Horrible position to be in, I hope it works out.

LegacyUser

I can see both your and his point of view. You have been a couple for 14 years and most people that have been together this long are living together/married and in a lot of cases have a child or two by now.

You have said that he got a job in the other side of the country and he is now keen that you move to where he is and live together. Has he mentioned getting married/having children or buy a house together?

I know that your living and working in Dublin. Your happy in your job, have friends and good social life. Where do you want to be in 5 years time? Do you still want to be going to another part of the country every week? Do you want him in your life? Is he willing to move back to Dublin?
How would you feel if he said that things are over between you as long term you want to stay in Dublin and he likes his new job and where he lives?

After 14 years together you should be making long term plans or deciding if it is time for both you to call it day and to move on with both your seperate lives.

Would you consider moving to where he lives for the summer and getting to know the place he is in and his friends? Could you get work near him? What are the house prices like where he lives? Prehaps he sees that long term you and him could buy a cheaper house and have a better quality of life where he lives. He may have seen that long term you could take some time off work if you had a family due to the lower cost of living outside dublin.

I know a couple who were in your position a few years ago. One of them worked in Dublin and the other one in x. They decided that the person in Dublin would look for a job in x. It took some time but they got a job eventully in x. Now a few years later they are married, have children and have bought a nice family home on it own grounds a few miles away from x. The house was half the price of a house in dublin in a good area. Due to lower living cost she is now looking into working 3 days a week.

LegacyUser

It strikes me that the jobs, living apart, moving abroad etc. is really not the problem here, it's just a symptom. You've been together 14 years without marriage, kids or a home together, but in that time he's put a lot of effort into a career which has required you to move and be somewhat excluded, while you put down roots and made a life on your own in Dublin after you moved back.

That makes me think that there's lack of genuine commitment from one or both of you, in spite of the 14 years (people often stay together out of habit or fear, duration is not necessarily an indicator of relationship health and happiness). I suspect it's you holding back and I don't blame you if you are, because I have a feeling that you know you would be expected to always row in with his plans and you won't ever be living your own life if you truly hitch your wagon to his.

tara73

Pineconia wrote: »

Thanks for your replies. As I mentioned in my first post, he's a university lecturer, so jobs are few and far between. The thing is, he would take one in Dublin tomorrow if one came up. The problem is that we don't know when a lecturing position in his subject will come up in Dublin.

One could, in theory, come up in the next year and, if I chose to move away from Dublin now, I could be in a position next year when I'm starting all over again looking for a teaching position in Dublin, which are also very difficult to get these days. I'm currently on full-hours, soon to be CID (permanent) in my current school.

so why the rush and urge now to move back to his place? your relationship sounds solid, 14 years togehter, and managed to stay together during two years apart, why not stick it out and wait a bit longer until an opportunity arises for him in Dublin? the economy is really picking up, so I don't think it's impossible or would take years that a position in lecturing for him arises. you say it yourself in your answer, it could come up in the next future.
I would talk to him about it (again?) and hopefully you can find a solution him moving to Dublin.

silverharp

to continue the "hitching your wagon" analogy , I'd know a number of couples where there are international relocations normally because of the husband's job and it works because they are both behind it. In your case OP it seems to come down to whether you think he is worth it or not. He seems to be in something that is niche and given that you bailed on him once you don't seem that compatible. What would happen for instance if he lost his job but something good came up in the US or UK? it just seems like your relationship is dependant on dice rolls.

SozBbz

Its an unfortunate position to be in but really you have to ask if you want the relationship that badly.

I know it sucks to be the one to move for the 2nd time, but the reality is that teachers are needed absolutely everywhere where as University Lecturers are only needed in certain parts of the country, and theres a lot less turnover, especially if his area is niche.

If you werent in the picture, could he have carried on abroad? Is it fair to say that by taking the first job he could in Ireland he was trying to get back as close to you as possible, and now its on you to move the last bit of the way? Maybe he's already done the most he can realistically do.

I get that living aborad may not have been for you, but being 2hours ish away from Dublin shouldnt be a deal breaker if the relationship is something worth holding on to.

Xterminator

HI OP

if i was with my partner 14 years and they had to move for work reasons, and there was a good expectation i could get work there; then i would move.

but your thread title is living apart from partner long term. so that would imply your decision is made; & you are not going to move. Perhaps your not too invested in this relationship? at least that is what i would read into this.

i mean you could make the trip to dublin most weekends to catch up with family and friends? job hunting is a pain, but there are more vacancies now than a year or 2 ago, so it doesn't sound impossible to move away from current role? so i dont see anything preventing you from moving, its a choice.

Look if you love this person try to make a go of it. if you dont, its probably not worth the hassle of moving that would be my take on it.

sashafierce

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Pinkycharm

I would say get your CID and put yourself on the redeployment panel for the area he is in, you won't be worried about a job then. Job swaps are also available for a year or more or you could take a career break when you get your CID and see what's on offer in his area.