Single Mam dating again

LegacyUser

Hi everyone

I have been out of the dating pool for about 3 years as I worked on myself and got through some tough times. I recently started talking to a guy on POF and we have met up twice so far. He's a really nice guy, we have a lot in common and there is attraction there. There are just two issues.. and I'm trying not to focus on them because I don't want the drama and games of my relationships when I was younger, I like to think I have grown by now..

Anyway, 1st is.. I've mentioned my daughter a few times. Just in passing, saying we are going XYZ or that I've needed a babysitter. But he has never asked after her. He hasn't asked her name, or her age. I don't know how to take this. My friend says maybe hes just wanting to get to know me first which is great, but I just find it a bit strange I suppose..

Secondly, he's asked me to go back to his for a "drink" on both dates now. I've refused because a) I have to get home and b) I don't want to sleep with him too soon. He's pushes it for a few minutes and I have to keep saying no.

As above, I don't want rules or whatever.. my other friend is saying you have to tell him this, or you have to wait for him.. and i'm just finished with all those "rules"..

Honestly, am I making a too big of a deal about it?

Thanks!

ifElseThen

To me it sounds like he just wants to get you into bed and then he'll move on...

retro:electro

Ya it doesn't sound like he's too interested in you as a person and more interested in what he can get out of you short term. If he hasn't even the decency to ask a few simple questions about the most important person in your life then I'd not waste any more time on him.

neonsofa

Hmm I dunno. It seems like he is being very casual but he has no reason to act any other way because it has only been two dates. The fact he wants to sleep with you early on doesn't necessarily mean he will be gone once he does sleep with you. I mean, I've wanted to sleep with someone early on before but I also wanted to see where things go.

The not asking about your child is again not necessarily an indication of anything. I'm a single mam myself and I don't know how I would feel about it. I sometimes get tired of people always asking about my child and forgetting that I'm my own person- all day every day I'm a mother, so in social settings I'd like to just get to be me if that makes any sense. So when people actually treat me like a human being and not just "mam" I don't question it lol. Some people without kids, especially younger people, just don't think to ask because it's not on their radar. It'd be like asking about your mother or something- they'd only ask if there was specific reason. Does he show interest in you generally in other ways?

You are both still very much in the seeing if it's something you want to pursue stage, like you only met twice, so I wouldn't be putting so much energy into wondering about him. See where it goes, just enjoy yourself, don't get too caught up in him.

KrustyUCC

Did he ask questions about your daughter on POF before the dates?

Next time I would just say up front that I won't be going back for drinks if you don't feel like it

Being straight upfront is usally the best policy

zoobizoo

1. He may be too young to realise the importance of kids to parents. I had many nephews and nieces but it wasn't til I got older that I took an interest in them. I have old school friends who have kids who I would never think about asking about. We would go out for pints and they kids wouldn't come up in conversation. Maybe it's just me.

2. Come back to my place for a drink = come back to my place to fool around. Let him keep asking or have a discussion about it if you want.

LegacyUser

singlemam wrote: »

He's pushes it for a few minutes and I have to keep saying no.

This is an indicator to me that you shouldn't bother with him again. Pushing it is, at best, not cool, but I think an indicator of more than that. I'm guessing he's somewhat charming so far and that's why you've met him, but that pushiness is a taste of what's going on behind the charm.

pilly

I don't know OP. Sometimes men aren't interested in other peoples children and it's never bothered me tbh.

I was like yourself many years ago and in fact I preferred to keep my dating life and my children completely separate from each other so it suited me if someone wasn't interested in kids.

The asking you back for a drink is for the obvious reason but that's not necessarily a bad thing. You have to admire a guy for trying.

At least it means he fancies you but if it's really bothering you then do as another poster suggests and bring it up at the beginning of the night.

Make a joke of it like "I'm not going back to yours for drinks later so don't even ask" with a smile and laugh.

In saying that you say you don't want rules etc. but you're putting a kind of time limit on how long you see someone before you sleep with them?

If you really want to then just do it. If you don't then maybe you don't fancy him that much.

I've slept with a man on a first date before and stayed with him for a year so it's not always the end of something.

Steviesol

My tuppence.

Maybe he has a kid out there who he does not see, and that is why he does not wish to talk about kids.. You never know what is going on with people.

Best of luck anyway.

SATSUMA

Doesn't sound right to me. Tell him you find it unusual hes not enquired about your child. See what he says.

pilly

SATSUMA wrote:

Doesn't sound right to me. Tell him you find it unusual hes not enquired about your child. See what he says.

After 2 dates? Really?

arayess

ifElseThen wrote: »

To me it sounds like he just wants to get you into bed and then he'll move on...

this isn't true or there is no way you know it's true.
just cos he wants sex doesn't mean he has no interest.
god forbid he wants to have sex on a date.

as a single father , I've dated women who asked me everything about my child and some that asked nothing. It on it's own means nothing.

The issues you outline don't mean much.

he may be a waster or genuine but the two things you stated doesn't really swing it either way.

leggo

Counterpoint: my Mam was a single mother with me.

A couple years back, I remember chatting to her after the breakdown of a relationship with a single mother myself and just asking how she found dating etc with me and she said that one bloke didn't even ask about me for the first six months. It was like he didn't want to know. She was okay with it because she's been with a guy beforehand who was way too intense about the whole thing and was relieved to be dating someone who didn't see her as a mother and just as a person in her own right. They focused on the relationship alone and then, after a good while, eventually introduced me into it.

She ended up marrying that guy, I've called him Dad since because he is, for all intents and purposes, my Dad. So it can work.

neonsofa

leggo that is lovely

SATSUMA

pilly wrote: »

After 2 dates? Really?

Yes! The OP has already said one of her two issues is he hasnt asked her child's name or age. Something is not sitting right with her about this. Surely if you were dating someone you'd say "What age is s/he". Even on a first date? Would you not want to know if the child was 6 months, a year? 5? 9? 13?

Just doesn't sound right to me.

LegacyUser

I'm a woman in my 30s, and not to be rude, but I really have no interest in asking about other peoples' kids during early dating. I'm not maternal, and I don't think that's a crime. I'm looking for chemistry and a bond and adult conversation with a man of my age; I'm there to let my hair down, flirt and have fun, not talk about playdates and school drop off times.

I find it odder that you expect after only two dates he should be asking about your child. Surely he should be getting to know you first? I know I've found it a major buzz kill when guys I've dated started talking about their kids early on in dating. It inevitably leads to talking about their ex, and relationship history, and frankly personal stuff I have no interest in until much further into our relationship.

I would question if you're ready for dating, or if your expectations are fair?

Just my 2c. Everyone is different. I wouldn't be in a rush to discuss your child, some men may fear you're looking for a father figure in your child's life.

neonsofa

Datinglady wrote: »

I'm a woman in my 30s, and not to be rude, but I really have no interest in asking about other peoples' kids during early dating. I'm not maternal, and I don't think that's a crime. I'm looking for chemistry and a bond and adult conversation with a man of my age; I'm there to let my hair down, flirt and have fun, not talk about playdates and school drop off times.

I find it odder that you expect after only two dates he should be asking about your child. Surely he should be getting to know you first? I know I've found it a major buzz kill when guys I've dated started talking about their kids early on in dating. It inevitably leads to talking about their ex, and relationship history, and frankly personal stuff I have no interest in until much further into our relationship.

I would question if you're ready for dating, or if your expectations are fair?

Just my 2c. Everyone is different. I wouldn't be in a rush to discuss your child, some men may fear you're looking for a father figure in your child's life.

I get what you're saying but asking how old the child is when the child is mentioned for the first time and showing a brief interest in the child is not really gonna lead to a long debrief on the circumstances of the child's conception and the subsequent breakdown of the relationship with the father. Generally the parent will just answer "grand yeah" or whatever. I have never once uttered the word play date to my friends/partners/dates let alone given details of same. Maybe you've been unlucky with over sharers!

I would liken it to conversations about other family members, a brother for example. If op mentioned her brother coming round for dinner let's say, he'd probably ask basic things like "how old is he?what does he do? Are you close?" etc. Not saying it should be expected but it's hardly a deep no-go topic of conversation, even if you're not interested in kids.

skallywag

I'm guessing that this chap has no kids himself.

If I was in his shoes, then I would certainly have inquired about the OP's child, but that said I have a child myself. Casting my mind back to before I became a father I would have to genuinely say that I would not have been in the least bit interested. In fact I would even go as far to say that getting into such conversations at such an early stage would have been a turn off, and I believe that I would also have avoided that topic completely.

pilly

Datinglady wrote: »

I'm a woman in my 30s, and not to be rude, but I really have no interest in asking about other peoples' kids during early dating. I'm not maternal, and I don't think that's a crime. I'm looking for chemistry and a bond and adult conversation with a man of my age; I'm there to let my hair down, flirt and have fun, not talk about playdates and school drop off times.

I find it odder that you expect after only two dates he should be asking about your child. Surely he should be getting to know you first? I know I've found it a major buzz kill when guys I've dated started talking about their kids early on in dating. It inevitably leads to talking about their ex, and relationship history, and frankly personal stuff I have no interest in until much further into our relationship.

I would question if you're ready for dating, or if your expectations are fair?

Just my 2c. Everyone is different. I wouldn't be in a rush to discuss your child, some men may fear you're looking for a father figure in your child's life.

Totally agree with this post. I have a friend who's absolutely gorgeous and great craic but every single fella she goes out with ends it because she's obsessed with her child, never stops talking about him.

Simple fact is people aren't that interested in other peoples kids until they get way into a relationship and I think that's the way it should be.

In my case I've had about 10 boyfriends since my children were younger, they've only ever met 1 because I thought it was going to be long term.

s15r330

ifElseThen wrote: »

To me it sounds like he just wants to get you into bed and then he'll move on...

I'd put money on this. I was on Tinder and POF after a long term relationship.

I was there just to get what I wanted, I went through a long string of girls over a 2 year period.

If any had kids, I behaved just like this lad, didn't ask as I didn't want to know.

I wanted into her knickers, end of.

That is all this lad wants, between pushing for sex in date 1 and 2 and not asking about the child.

It's plain as day, if he was interested in you he'd surely ask about the most important part of your life.

Anyone who thinks otherwise hasn't a clue.

If you are after a relationship then this lad isn't the one, get rid.

LimerickSports

It wouldn't bother me if you had kids , and you seem like a very nice person and would make a good girlfriend