Girlfriend and her friends

LegacyUser

So my girlfriend of 4 months has this guy friend who she's been friends with for years, she has lots of guy and girl friends from the line of work she's in but her friendship with this guy in particular is kind of nagging at me. She told me before that she was in love with him for 4 years but they never got together. He was very possessive of her and didn't want her to be with anyone else but he didn't want her either. That was up until last year when she had enough of wanting him romantically and now there still best friends. She was talking to another friend of her a few weeks ago about this guy having a new girlfriend and the sadness in her voice was noticeable. I brought it up yesterday as it had been at me since then and she just said oh I love him to bits and yeah it did hurt when I heard he'd someone new as I was never good enough for him but I have no interest in him that way anymore. I was in a different place back then etc etc but we're great friends still. She's also really good friends with a couple of other exes, one was sick last week and she was worried about him saying I really care about him still even tho I don't I've feelings. She described other exes as the love of her life and legends.
I guess all this is just making me question things a little. I don't want to be second best because some guy didn't want her for years. I'm not the kind of person who would say him or me or even be that bothered about being friends with exes per say it's just all those bits added up make me feel a little bit insecure. All other aspects of our new relationship are really good, we have a great time together and she is really honest about things too including the above. I feel if I can't get past it I will have to break up but I really don't want to do that. And I don't want to question her on it again as I might come across as jealous which maybe I slightly am.

Big Bag of Chips

She just sounds a bit immature. Have you said it to her? I think if put it to her that you're not jealous but it bothers you to be told by your gf that someone else is/was the love of her life. Ask her how it would make her feel if you told her that one of your exes was the love of your life? That your ex was amazing? I'd say she doesn't mean it to be upsetting. She's just a bit clueless as to what is appropriate. No doubt if you two ever break up, she'll be telling the next bf what a "legend" you were, and insisting on remaining in contact with you, to show how cool she is!

LegacyUser

Greg.. wrote: »

she is really honest about things

I disagree. She has feelings for her "friend" and it's not surprising, 4 years is a long time to carry a candle for someone, so her denial of that is, at best, disingenuous.

I think you know you're a rebound from that relationship. The fact that it never matured fully is irrelevant, she was in it and she made a decision to leave it then soon found you. I think you know too that if he called her, she'd go. Are you happy to take a chance and hang around to see if things become more secure?

peckerhead

This is exactly what I was going to say - why else would she be so downcast at her (now supposedly) 'friend' being with a new partner? She is still 100% into him, and my hunch is that she would leave you for him in a heartbeat, or perhaps even cheat on you with him some day, if it came to it (OK, I might be rushing to judge here!)

From what you've described, OP, I'd have to say it sounds very much like that analogy someone posted here recently about how (some!) women move from partner to partner a bit like monkeys swing through trees - they don't let go of the branch they're on until they have a firm grasp on the next one. Sorry if that comes across as misogynistic, but IME it's something women do far more often than men, for whatever reason. I fear you're going to remain a fallback option for her, and tbh I doubt that the allure of a relationship with the guy she 'really wanted' is going to wane with time. Even if he ends up with another person.

As others have said, I think you need to talk frankly about this. If she's as honest as you say she is, you should be be just as honest with her about your feelings, and not so worried about 'coming across as jealous'. If you don't want to get hurt.

blairbear

peckerhead wrote: »

From what you've described, OP, I'd have to say it sounds very much like that analogy someone posted here recently about how (some!) women move from partner to partner a bit like monkeys swing through trees - they don't let go of the branch they're on until they have a firm grasp on the next one. Sorry if that comes across as misogynistic, but IME it's something women do far more often than men, for whatever reason. I fear you're going to remain a fallback option for her, and tbh I doubt that the allure of a relationship with the guy she 'really wanted' is going to wane with time. Even if he ends up with another person.

Monkeys swinging through trees?! You even know your analogy and generalisation is misogynistic and still post it!!

An entire gender cannot be accounted for or their behaviour predicted because "that's what some other women do". We all have individual minds and personalilties.

peckerhead

Indeed we do, and I'm not sure why you find the analogy itself misogynist - I'm simply comparing certain human characteristics to animal behaviour, and one could offer many similar analogies with commonly/more typically 'male' behaviours. Jealousy, maybe? Or possessiveness?

The image came to mind solely because of the behaviour/comments the op described (of which of course we only have his version, but what else are we to go on?). I'm not attacking the girl or suggesting for a minute that she's doing anything maliciously or deliberately - but like others I don't get the sense that her feelings have changed as much as she claims.

I specifically *didn't* extend/generalise this to an 'entire gender' - I said *some* women - and I then I observed that in MY experience the particular trait I'm talking about seemed to be more common in women than in men. For whatever reason.

I hope we can agree to differ, since you don't know anything about my experience -
presumably yours contradicts mine? But you haven't said that, you've just put words in my mouth that I didn't say.

Ben Gadot

I hate to say it OP but I don't think your girlfriend would be saying such things if she was really into her current relationship. I'm sure she doesn't mean to do it intentionally.

I would suggest walking with your head held high. You can't compete with ghosts and from the sounds of things, you're too young to be dealing with that.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far,

I don't think it's something she does intentionally, I think she's even noticed it herself because she'll catch herself at times and say something like 'not like you want to hear about my past relationships'
She said if he came and declared undying love she wouldn't go there as she values herself too much now and anyway she has me. Sounds like she thought about it before tho.
I'll be honest I expected the replies to be more of she's with you not him etc and not to worry but it's got me thinking more. I really don't want to a hurt again. I'm not sure if I can bring it up again without appearing to want reassurance again, I don't think she can say anymore than she has. And we're both late 30s not young as I wish!

Idle Passerby

peckerhead wrote: »

(some!) women move from partner to partner a bit like monkeys swing through trees - they don't let go of the branch they're on until they have a firm grasp on the next one.

Ha! (Some) men do this too you know! In fact I would have thought it's more common for men, but then I'm a heterosexual woman so thats based on my own experiences and I realise my own perspective on the world is not the universal experience of everyone. You would have been more accurate to say some people.

To the OP, it seems like your girlfriend is still holding a candle for this guy despite what she says. The way you describe her saying she wouldn't have him now if he offered "and anyway, I have you" doesn't come across very encouragingly either. Sounds almost as if she has settled and she's reassuring you she'll stick to her choice. That's not the sentiment you hope for in a partner.

Dr Crayfish

Late 30s? Jeez I had an image of a 25 year old overly emotional drama queen.
Anyway she sounds like a headwrecker, easy for me to say but I wouldn't have time for someone like that. You shouldn't have to listen to this crap.

Big Bag of Chips

You know you have a choice! I too would have thought she was very early 20s and maybe "in love" with her best friend since she was 15. It's terribly childish carry on and I definitely don't believe that she doesn't still have feelings for him. You don't just decide one day to not be in love with someone anymore.

You can decide if you are ok with being in this kind of relationship. Or you can decide if you're not. 4 months in is time to start figuring out if you're happy with the way things are going. If you're not, you're under no obligation.

Ben Gadot

Greg.. wrote: »

<Snip>

Late 30s!? Ah jaysus, I'd like to amend my argument to: you're too old for this sh1t.

If you're happy with her that's all that matters. She's old enough to know her own mind anyway so I'm sure you can trust her.

Bambi985

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

Late 30s? Jeez I had an image of a 25 year old overly emotional drama queen.

Ditto. Or try 20 year old.

Honestly the amount of posts I read around here that I assume are from a bunch of teenagers and that subsequently turn out to be mid-late 30s is absolutely staggering. Why are people unable to assert themselves and recognise that big red flags like a partner lusting after other men and talking about exes wistfully when they're a late 30s woman who should know better are going to lead to all kinds of drama and bullsh1t down the line?

She's in her late 30s and still loving the drama of pining after someone who will never want her but "what if" and shur we'll keep this fella in the sidelines, he seems happy enough just to be with me, I'll treat him how I choose. And maintaining 'friendships' with all the exes because the attention of one man is not enough. Enough said.

Time for a proper adult conversation OP. And right now, when you're a few months in and can walk away from this relatively unscathed.

peckerhead

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Ha! (Some) men do this too you know! [...] You would have been more accurate to say some people.

Ha! Guilty as charged. I really didn't mean to suggest that this instinct/behaviour was exclusive to women, just that in my own (male heterosexual) experience and in those of other couples that I've been able to observe, it was more often the woman that would do this than the man. In fact, having thought about it a little, I'd say it's approximately 6-0 (if I only count the 'clear-cut' cases). But you're right, this is just my experience, and I shouldn't extrapolate.

To the OP, I too thought you were both a lot younger! Lookit, if she insists - and it sounds like it - that there's nothing to worry about, then you're ultimately going to have to decide whether or not you trust her. Neither of you is at an age now to be playing silly head games or laying on the teenage insecurities stuff. To be honest, I stand by my original hunch that she's still carrying a torch for the other guy, and like Idle Passerby I find the way your gf expressed these reassurances a little too 'pat' - and they ring a bit hollow. She wouldn't get back with him because she 'values herself too highly now', yet admits to being hurt that he has a new girlfriend when for all those years (her words) she 'wasn't enough for him'...? Hm.

If I'm wrong, then the obvious counter-narrative would be that you're being oversensitive and are reading way too much into her words. Maybe she's one of those people who tends to over-use certain clichés? (like 'love of my life'/'legend'. Some people talk like that that about their dad/brothers/labrador ffs). But I think you need to try for another serious conversation about this if you want to continue. Even if her feelings towards this guy were/are completely innocent, your own mind is always going to find something to doubt (or resent) if it wants to. And if you let that fester, you'll eventually poison the relationship yourself regardless of her true feelings.

So have it out between the pair of you. Honestly. Or else decide that the issue lies with you more than her, and look at that (?)

Pelvis

It sounds like a new-ish relationship, so if I were you I'd save myself a lot of headaches and heartache and get away from her ASAP.

professore

You're competing with all those fantasy men in her head. There's only going to be one winner.

leggo

I've a rule that, as soon as a girl mentions a 'special male friend', I'm out. I don't do 'you versus that guy she tells you not to worry about' situations anymore. Too much of a head wreck situation when there are plenty out there who've had the sense to keep their lives uncomplicated enough to not have someone like this on the fringes. The ones that do have these lurkers tend to be attention seeking melts tbh.

professore

The same women tend to go nuts if you even insinuate some other female between 8-80 is nice, attractive or friendly.

LegacyUser

professore wrote: »

The same women tend to go nuts if you even insinuate some other female between 8-80 is nice, attractive or friendly.

Oh dear :-( happens more than once

IvoryTower

peckerhead wrote: »

Idle Passerby wrote: »

So have it out between the pair of you. Honestly. Or else decide that the issue lies with you more than her, and look at that (?)

Agreed

SimpleDimples

Wow, she's in her late 30s. If she was in her teens early 20s, she's still be a headwrecker but you could at least put it down to immaturity and hope she might grow up with time but she'll never change at this stage of her life.

Guaranteed lifetime of drama and doublestandards ahead of you with her!

Lavinia

all those bits added up make me feel a little bit insecure.

I presume this would be the key to your post and troubles OP.
If you are an insecure person you will find a reason for it weather it is really there or not.