Do/did your parents take an interest in you?

368100

I was talking with a friend the other night. Told her that my parents never really took an interest in anything I did.

Now my mother was ill while I was growing up so maybe that had something to do with it. She's not around any more but my father it still here, fit and healthy 80 year old but never takes interest in me or my siblings.....careers.....grandchildren etc but expects us all to be interested in his hobbies.

My friend had a very similar upbringing. ...never checked to see if homework done or the likes.

I thought when we talked about it that maybe it's a think with that generation...that would be in 70's and 80s now. I'd like to think I'd be involved and interested in my kids life more thanews my parents were.

What were your parents like? Involved or not?

Mods......not sure if this is in right place so feel free to move if needs be.

danslevent

I think it is a generation thing, if my Dad was still alive he would be in his late 60s. I know he genuinely wished me the best in life, he supported me financially and also if I ever need a lift anywhere...but I remember in my second year of college he asked what my degree was in!

I look at my some of my friends who are very close to their father; constant phonecalls, helping with their CV, giving them relationship advice... I never had that. Instead of becoming bitter (a hard thing to do) I just looked at it as he was brought up with his parents being too busy with their 11 (!) other kids to show an interest, thus he didn't feel the same need in his life.

Luckily my Mam is like a greyhound for the gossip and is involved in most of my big decisions.
My advice would just to accept the relationship for what it is. Think of all the close friends and family you do have that show an active interest...also think how (if you want children of your own) you won't act that way.

Best of luck OP x

368100

danslevent wrote: »

I think it is a generation thing, if my Dad was still alive he would be in his late 60s. I know he genuinely wished me the best in life, he supported me financially and also if I ever need a lift anywhere...but I remember in my second year of college he asked what my degree was in!

I look at my some of my friends who are very close to their father; constant phonecalls, helping with their CV, giving them relationship advice... I never had that. Instead of becoming bitter (a hard thing to do) I just looked at it as he was brought up with his parents being too busy with their 11 (!) other kids to show an interest, thus he didn't feel the same need in his life.

Luckily my Mam is like a greyhound for the gossip and is involved in most of my big decisions.
My advice would just to accept the relationship for what it is. Think of all the close friends and family you do have that show an active interest...also think how (if you want children of your own) you won't act that way.

Best of luck OP x

Thanks a mil.....I hope I didn't come across as bitter in my post as I'm really not. I've accepted that that's just they way they were, but one thing I've realised is that I don't have much respect for how they parented me, which is sad.

amtc

Be careful what you wish for. I would talk to my mam several times a day and she's great...but my dad is a classic helicopter parent. So much so on my first job he rang my boss...I started a new job last week and my dad is all into it. I have to give him a running brief each night. Tonight I ignored my home phone as I was just in the door and wanted to watch some mindless tv; then my mobile went; then I got an email to know was I alive and where was my spare key (thankfully my mam has it). At this point I should mention I am 44!

danslevent

368100 wrote: »

danslevent wrote: »

I think it is a generation thing, if my Dad was still alive he would be in his late 60s. I know he genuinely wished me the best in life, he supported me financially and also if I ever need a lift anywhere...but I remember in my second year of college he asked what my degree was in!

I look at my some of my friends who are very close to their father; constant phonecalls, helping with their CV, giving them relationship advice... I never had that. Instead of becoming bitter (a hard thing to do) I just looked at it as he was brought up with his parents being too busy with their 11 (!) other kids to show an interest, thus he didn't feel the same need in his life.

Luckily my Mam is like a greyhound for the gossip and is involved in most of my big decisions.
My advice would just to accept the relationship for what it is. Think of all the close friends and family you do have that show an active interest...also think how (if you want children of your own) you won't act that way.

Best of luck OP x

Thanks a mil.....I hope I didn't come across as bitter in my post as I'm really not.  I've accepted that that's just they way they were, but one thing I've realised is that I don't have much respect for how they parented me, which is sad.

I feel the same. My sibling has recently become a parent and they just can't believe how our parents behaved towards us. I think because nowadays if you don't want to get married/have children it is pretty accepted, but back then it was just what they had to do. My mam used to have a drinking problem and her main rant when she was drunk was, "never get married and never have children"...to her two children!

You don't come across as bitter. You certainly aren't alone.

368100

amtc wrote: »

Be careful what you wish for. I would talk to my mam several times a day and she's great...but my dad is a classic helicopter parent. So much so on my first job he rang my boss...I started a new job last week and my dad is all into it. I have to give him a running brief each night. Tonight I ignored my home phone as I was just in the door and wanted to watch some mindless tv; then my mobile went; then I got an email to know was I alive and where was my spare key (thankfully my mam has it). At this point I should mention I am 44!

Yeah I guess that's the opposite end of the spectrum. Lot to be said for a healthy balance

Big Bag of Chips

Moved from Relationship Issues. Maybe more suitable to this forum. Parenting Forum Charter applies

ManOfMystery

Definitely a generational thing.

My mum was a housewife, whilst my father ran his own business. So he looked after the income for the family and she did everything in the house, including our homeworks and school runs and so on. It wasn't a problem for either of them and no-one found it strange. Whilst I get on great with Dad and we've always had a good relationship, I could never say he was hands-on; good with life advice and teaching us manners/respect/etc whilst Mum did the more practical stuff. He wasn't particularly interested in sports, or school, or music or the other things I was into. But I knew he was always there if I needed him.

By comparison, my wife and I have less of a gender division like there was when I was young. We both work, we both split chores equally, and we both do everything with our son.

I don't feel any less loved by my Dad than my Mum. It was just the roles they established, and they were normal for the time. Strangely, Dad is now very hands on with my son - his grandson - so perhaps he's modernised himself a bit.

368100

danslevent wrote: »

I feel the same. My sibling has recently become a parent and they just can't believe how our parents behaved towards us. I think because nowadays if you don't want to get married/have children it is pretty accepted, but back then it was just what they had to do. My mam used to have a drinking problem and her main rant when she was drunk was, "never get married and never have children"...to her two children!

You don't come across as bitter. You certainly aren't alone.

It's really good to hear that some people don't fall in to the same behaviour as their parents ...I'd say your sibling will be a great parent due to being more conscious about what impact a bad parent has. And youre right, maybe the problem was that they were just expected to have kids without really wanting them.....they shouldn't have gone to 6 in my case!

Thanks for sharing your own story....you've had a tough them of it too but at least we're not alone in it.

evolving_doors

You have to consider where it comes from though. The parent's primary educators back then were their own parents, so do a bit of digging and you will find answers. Don't think of your dad as the starting point.

With many parents (especially dads!) their own fathers were at the very top of the family hierarchy , everything was on them and being the main provider they probably felt that they were numero uno (which is why he'd expect your siblings and yourself to be into everything he did)... the wife was left to do all the rearing children stuff. So with your mum ill it must have been very difficult to keep the ball rolling. It's easy to slip into a routine of just getting ye off to school, keeping ye fed and the house tidy... that's a full time job in itself.

When it came to 'taking an interest' your dad probably just did what his dad did. Go to work, have dinner, go to bed... time off was his time to read the paper or be involved with the community etc. It's not that he doesn't want to take an interest, he just doesn't know 'how to'.

Once I had kids I started to think a lot more about my upbringing and it changed my perspective a bit about why parents acted the way they did. You can easily find yourself slipping into mannerisms of your parents... or totally overcompensating so that you're not like them!

Sunny Dayz

Gosh when I see the thread title my first thought was "No". But I don't mean that in a bad way. Like many people here growing up in the 80's and 90's my dad worked full time. My mum looked after us at home and when we were all in school she worked part time for a while. I guess my parents were just busy rearing us, working to feed us, clothe us, educate us.
Myself and the bro did a bit of gaa when we were in national school but that's when dad got to sit in the car and read the paper in peace while mum made the dinner at home. We didn't really have hobbies as such growing up, we just played with each other, our friends, neighbours and cousins.
My parents did place importance on education, not in a pressurised way but in a do your best, get the best start in life kind of way. They always went to parent teacher meetings and schoolwork and study had to be done first, then you could do what you wanted with your free time after. Part time work was restricted to summer holidays, we were told focus on getting your education first, you'll be working long enough!


I've found that since we've all finished full time education, my parents have relaxed. We are all lucky enough to have university educations and good jobs in different sectors. I think that the parents take more of an interest in our lives now that we are living them and they have a bit more free time and head space. And with a grandson too they seem (to me anyway) to take more interest in his hobbies and interests than they did in ours!

I think its a really interesting question I think my parents were too busy with a large family and its definitively a generalisation thing, homework had to be done and my mother always went to parent teacher meeting but other that that we were left to our devices any of us that went to Irish dancing or brigini went by ourselves. I went to my brothers graduation in Trinity with my mother and she just though that's grand I hope he gets a good job. It was a different attitude that the parents of today. That dose not make it bad.

There are a lot of issues with over parenting as well, one thing I have noticed is people get very annoyed or even angry if you even comment on the over parenting.

shesty

Yes they did.Both my parents worked (in their 60s now) and they did.Both in different ways.They weren't hanging over everything we did but they both took an interest in and helped out with education.I would argue my mum was a bit over protective but that did ease up as time passed (I'm the oldest) and by the time it got to the youngest she had learned to let go a lot more!!Education was a big priority and so were extracurricular sports particularly swimming.They never pushed us hugely but always made sure we turned up when we were supposed to and didn't take up activities and give them up a month later.They still take an interest to this day in our jobs, in interviews, in their grandkids, and generally how things ae going.They both have different ways of showing it but both are interested.

You can find your self falling in to the thinking without even realising, in work today someone mentioned that there son was starting their junior cert and with out thinking I asked them are they not taking their holiday to be around for the exams its become so common for parents to do that.

shesty

mariaalice wrote: »

You can find your self falling in to the thinking without even realising, in work today someone mentioned that there son was starting their junior cert and with out thinking I asked them are they not taking their holiday to be around for the exams its become so common for parents to do that.

Is it??
I'd actually purposely take holidays afterwards so I could bring them away on a nice break somewhere.Can't do much for them while they're sitting in an exam hall.

silverharp

I was a kid in the 70's/80's , the difference to today is that parents on average had less skills to help, they were less likely to have been to university themselves etc. Compare to today , in our case between myself and my wife we would be qualified to teach at least 4 subjects in the LC based on what we work at so we are more involved in the kids education as opposed to just handing it off to the school. then when it comes to activities there is more stuff to do with your kids whereas a generation or 2 back the inclination or the money wasn't there.

Irish-Lass

My mam is 74 and she always showed an interest in what we were doing and always pushed us to try harder and study. Got me involved in things outside of school that I was interested in. Came to games and shows.

My dad is not around now but when he was he was interested in what I was doing would drive me to basketball games etc.

My mam now minds my little 3 year old girl 2 full days a week and collects her early from creche on one other day and they are the best of buddies. My sisters children range from 23-28 and they all get on great with their granny. She would be involved in all our lives 2 of them would stay with my mam at least once a week. My mam has come on holidays with us all.

My husband on the other hand his parents are younger than mine and neither of them really showed an interest in anything the kids do didn't care if they finished school or not where I would have been killed if I didn't finish school.

silverharp

silverharp wrote: »

I was a kid in the 70's/80's , the difference to today is that parents on average had less skills to help, they were less likely to have been to university themselves etc. Compare to today , in our case between myself and my wife we would be qualified to teach at least 4 subjects in the LC based on what we work at so we are more involved in the kids education as opposed to just handing it off to the school. then when it comes to activities there is more stuff to do with your kids whereas a generation or 2 back the inclination or the money wasn't there.

However is that necessarily better the effort involved in finding out by themselves is part of preparing for adulthood. I do know parents who know every nuance of the Cao and leaving cert subjects their child is studying it comes across as very unhealthy.

368100

Irish-Lass wrote: »

My mam is 74 and she always showed an interest in what we were doing and always pushed us to try harder and study. Got me involved in things outside of school that I was interested in. Came to games and shows.

My dad is not around now but when he was he was interested in what I was doing would drive me to basketball games etc.

My mam now minds my little 3 year old girl 2 full days a week and collects her early from creche on one other day and they are the best of buddies. My sisters children range from 23-28 and they all get on great with their granny. She would be involved in all our lives 2 of them would stay with my mam at least once a week. My mam has come on holidays with us all.

My husband on the other hand his parents are younger than mine and neither of them really showed an interest in anything the kids do didn't care if they finished school or not where I would have been killed if I didn't finish school.

This I don't understand at all......I'm second youngest and whilst they didn't seem bothered about pushing me at school, I did my leaving in 1999 and went on to college.

My younger sister by 2.5 years left school after Junior Cert due to nothing else than laziness....and my parents did nothing to try and get her to stay. Crazy for the time as for most jobs the bare minimum was Leaving Cert. Since then she did a bit of waitressing for a couple of years but has been on social welfare for nearly the past 10 years as most employers don't want to look at a 33 year old who didn't even do LC.

_Kaiser_

My mam is probably a woman who shouldn't have had kids really as while she always provided for us (even under very tough circumstances), there wasn't much of an emotional bond there.

Now to be fair, like the OP's mother, she was sick for most of my/our teenage years but she had little to no interest in what was going on beyond commenting "well as long as you're happy". When my son was born (her only grandchild) she similarly had little interest beyond not liking his name. Must admit, it was some of those comments that almost made me cut her off completely, although she DID meet the little fella at one point and he charmed her completely which prompted her to buy him a birthday present a few months later.

She died 2 years ago now after a long and painful illness that really took hold in the last 2/3 years so in the end it was more of a release for her than anything else. We all knew it was coming eventually, but if I'm totally honest about it, I couldn't say I miss her. I'm glad she's no longer in pain and strapped to oxygen machines but I guess I adapted to being "parentless" (my dad was not in the picture for most of my life and died 20 years ago now) long before I actually was.

Still, I always said that if I had my own family it'd be different, and I have a great relationship with my little fella (despite the weekend dad element), and so that's a plus

Do I miss/regret that mam wasn't more involved? Not really.. sometimes I'd maybe have slightly envied the relationships some friends would have with their families - but then I see some of them who have never REALLY left home either, and that I couldn't abide.. when you grow up and have a family of your own they should be your priorities IMO.

silverharp

mariaalice wrote: »

However is that necessarily better the effort involved in finding out by themselves is part of preparing for adulthood. I do know parents who know every nuance of the Cao and leaving cert subjects their child is studying it comes across as very unhealthy.

sure there should be a balance, if anything a lot of the input we did was probably before they even went to school , teaching them to read early and get a head start with maths. Eldest is 12 but for the last few years we havnt got involved with homework, they can stand or fall on their own choices.
I don't see much changing in secondary, it would more about getting them to think about what they would like to do and then what that requires.
The main thing that I would think is damaging for a kid is to try pick their careers for them which I'd have no intention of doing , Ill only ever tell them to play to their strengths and their personalities.

silverharp

368100 wrote: »

My younger sister by 2.5 years left school after Junior Cert due to nothing else than laziness....and my parents did nothing to try and get her to stay. Crazy for the time as for most jobs the bare minimum was Leaving Cert. Since then she did a bit of waitressing for a couple of years but has been on social welfare for nearly the past 10 years as most employers don't want to look at a 33 year old who didn't even do LC.

that's horrific, a wasted life for the want of a bit of parental direction.

Irish-Lass

368100 wrote: »

This I don't understand at all......I'm second youngest and whilst they didn't seem bothered about pushing me at school, I did my leaving in 1999 and went on to college.

My younger sister by 2.5 years left school after Junior Cert due to nothing else than laziness....and my parents did nothing to try and get her to stay. Crazy for the time as for most jobs the bare minimum was Leaving Cert. Since then she did a bit of waitressing for a couple of years but has been on social welfare for nearly the past 10 years as most employers don't want to look at a 33 year old who didn't even do LC.

In his family only 2 out of 7 finished school. One left 4-5 weeks before the leaving cert started.
I remember sitting with his youngest sister doing her homework with her on a sunday. In our house when you came in from school while mam made dinner you did your homework and then she checked it after dinner. I wasn't great at reading so she sent me to classes to catch up and I did.

He would be very hands on with our daughter and brings her to dancing etc and reads her stories and we take her out of day trips, which to me is perfectly normal as that happened in our house but in his house it wasn't. He had never been out of Dublin until he met me they never went on day trips or holidays as a family.

People might be talking about different things, there is a huge difference between the kind of interested but distant parenting that was common in the recent past and having no interest at all in what you children are doing.

We were always take for Sunday drives we were all piled in to the car and when we got there my father read the papers and we went off to play. Another thing is that is very noticeable different is that children didn't interact with adult as much children were told to go out and play more and joining in to an adult conversations was considered the high of rudeness. I am talking about the 1960th and 1970th.

_Kaiser_

Irish-Lass wrote: »

He would be very hands on with our daughter and brings her to dancing etc and reads her stories and we take her out of day trips, which to me is perfectly normal as that happened in our house but in his house it wasn't. He had never been out of Dublin until he met me they never went on day trips or holidays as a family.

The one observation I'd make on this - even though I'd do the same with my own little fella - is that nowadays there's a presumption that you NEED to do things like this regularly with a child.

In other words, the idea of letting them (out to) entertain themselves has fallen by the wayside. Instead they need to be constantly entertained like this.

Maybe it is down to upbringing and perhaps more importantly, the availability of transport and finances in those days. I'd be like your OH in that my family never really went anywhere and certainly no holidays - partly because of the issues I mentioned in my earlier post, but also because the money just wasn't there for it and we didn't have a car.

Irish-Lass

_Kaiser_ wrote: »

Maybe it is down to upbringing and perhaps more importantly, the availability of transport and finances in those days. I'd be like your OH in that my family never really went anywhere and certainly no holidays - partly because of the issues I mentioned in my earlier post, but also because the money just wasn't there for it and we didn't have a car.

I know with him its that he wants to let her experience more than he did as a child and get to go fun places and do fun things and to have lots of memories and photographs of family time.

Don't get me wrong she doesn't go out every week she is just as happy playing in the back garden with her toys and the dogs (who oblige her now and again with letting her put a tshirt on them :P)

Some of my happiest memories of a child was playing in the back garden with my friends and my mam making us popcorn, soda stream and the tubberwear ice pops.

amtc

I pointed out earlier about being careful what you wish for. As I mentioned I'm 44. I had to go for a routine x ray today and they found glass in my foot so I had to go to a and e. I rang my dad to say I wouldn't call him until I knew what was going on. I have got into the habit of telling him I'll call him to set boundaries. He offered to come up to the hospital. I declined. It was a perfectly routine dressing. I had my car and could drive. I told him my phone battery was low. Eventually it turned off. I am just home now and my phone has 23 missed calls and messages as he went up to the hospital to give me money for parking. He then asked where I was and toured a and e looking for me. He drove round all the car parks. I was sitting at home waiting for my phone to charge. He was not down as my contact person so am annoyed at hospital.

I am so sick of this smothering. It doesn't help that my mam is away. I wouldn't even bother telling my mam about a scratch in my foot.

This is the same guy who only developed a conscience in the last few years. He put me down my entire childhood but now decides he wants to be father of the year.

Any advice about boundary setting welcome.

368100

amtc wrote: »

I pointed out earlier about being careful what you wish for. As I mentioned I'm 44. I had to go for a routine x ray today and they found glass in my foot so I had to go to a and e. I rang my dad to say I wouldn't call him until I knew what was going on. I have got into the habit of telling him I'll call him to set boundaries. He offered to come up to the hospital. I declined. It was a perfectly routine dressing. I had my car and could drive. I told him my phone battery was low. Eventually it turned off. I am just home now and my phone has 23 missed calls and messages as he went up to the hospital to give me money for parking. He then asked where I was and toured a and e looking for me. He drove round all the car parks. I was sitting at home waiting for my phone to charge. He was not down as my contact person so am annoyed at hospital.

I am so sick of this smothering. It doesn't help that my mam is away. I wouldn't even bother telling my mam about a scratch in my foot.

This is the same guy who only developed a conscience in the last few years. He put me down my entire childhood but now decides he wants to be father of the year.

Any advice about boundary setting welcome.

I'm afraid I can't give advice regarding boundary setting as I never had that problem, quite the opposite.

Im interested though, did something happen that led to his change of behaviour? What was the turning point?