My mother & money

LegacyUser

Ok. I realise this is very much a first world problem, but I just need some fresh perspectives on this please.

I am 31. I have a problem with my mother giving me money. I have consistently expressed to her that I don't want it, or need it, over the years, but I've been especially consistent for the past 3 years as I really, really value my independence.

I want to be very clear, that in the last 3 years I have handed back all of the following as soon as I saw it:
She used to sneak 50e into my purse whenever I went to visit.
She used to have my account number until I stole it out of her wallet, and would lodge 250e every month into my bank account.
Birthdays & Christmas would always result in her handing me an envelope with several hundred euro in it- on this occasion I haggle with her and I'll accept a gift of maybe 100e instead of 5, for example.

Whenever I try to spend time with her, it results in this insane Mrs. Doyle-esque scene when it comes to paying, even though I try to get her to agree in advance that we take turns paying; she won't even let me pay for coffee while she pays for dinner- she wants to pay for ALL of it.

I finally snapped at the start of this year & as I handed her back 500e she somehow managed to lodge in my credit union, I told her that from now on, any money I find secreted into my possession by her would be donated straight to charity. This really seemed to wake her up, and she has been very good for the last few months.

I am trained in a particular skill, and recently opened my own business, so she recently decided to start coming to me. First appointment was Saturday, I agreed with her that she can pay me full for it & not avail of it for free/discount, as I am trying to compromise with her. It would have been €40, but she told me she would come every week & wanted to pay for a couple of sessions in advance. When I eventually checked the envelope, there was €1000 in it.

I hit the roof, because she knows I won't donate the money if it's a business earning, so I drove straight over to her & handed it back & told her I won't be giving her any more sessions, that I feel disrespected by her and that she's only availing of my services as an excuse to launder money my direction, essentially.

I'm just at my wit's end with her, I have no idea what to do. I don't understand why she won't just STOP. I want her to spend her money on herself! On good times for my dad and her! Going to the cinema together is a big ordeal; she goes on about how expensive it is, a weekend away for the two of them is a like hens teeth, because of the 'expense' yet here she is, shoving notes in my purse!!

I really, really, REALLY value my independence, I work hard for my money & I enjoy seeing the fruits of my labour. It feels like an insult every time she does this. I get really agitated.

Any advice?? I've tried the 'relax and just let it happen' angle but when I do that it just snowballs & gets worse, so I changed from occasionally accepting money to just flat out refusing for the past 3 years, but it's still happening.

And I come across like a totally b*tch for upsetting her, but I don't know what else to do if she won't respect my request to stop!!!

Big Bag of Chips

I don't know if you'll ever change her, but how about using it "against her"! If she smuggles money to your account or whatever, buy her something from it. Book her and your dad into a hotel for the weekend. Buy her cinema vouchers. That short of thing.

In her eyes she's doing right, and she's just trying to "help". But if she's flat out refusing to stop (although you do seem to have cut it back a bit) either spend the money on her or donate it to charity in her name and send her the receipt each time.

tony1kenobi

Your mother can gift you 3k a year without any questions being asked. If she dies and leaves you everything, you'll be handing half your inheritance to the government. Mums are the best. Take the money and thank her for teaching you a smart lesson in finance.

retro:electro

Can I have your mother? :pac:
Ah op I think she's just being a typical mammy, granted she must have more money than most. She saw you open a new business and wanted to help you out. €50 here and there is hardly a big deal and worth rowing over. I hope you aren't too aggressive with her over this because she sounds like a lovely women who has money to spend and would rather see it go to her child than frivolous things.

strandroad

Keep the money aside and use it for some special trips and gifts for your parents - this way everyone is happy as it looks like for her giving is better than getting so you'll make her happy twice!

Airyfairy12

Can we swap mothers? you wont get any money but will have to give up a percentage of your earnings to her instead lol.

She's not trying to take your independance, it sounds like she's just being a generous mammy and good person. Instead of fighting her why dont you take the money, save it and in a few months when its added up buy her something really nice or take her on a nice holiday.

Baby01032012

Hi OP,

I can sympathise with your situation. I'm 10 years older than you and my mum try's to give me cash. Sometimes I straight out refuse sometimes I accept or argue less. Myself and my wife work so we don't need Rolfe handouts. Just today I caught her trying to give my 5 year old €20.
Its like she feels she has to pay for your time or your visit. I don't have an answer ok. If you feel that strongly keep rejecting or return, transfer back to her account or buy her something like previous poster mentioned and hope that she gets the message. Also as another poster mentioned you can receive up to €3000 a year tax free....if you receive an inheritance from her your subject to 30% tax above a certain threshold. With the new business I'm sure she understands how hard it can be and wants you to succeed. Maybe try and view it from her perspective.

SimpleDimples

Open a savings account specifically to lodge everything she gives you.

You never know what the future holds, you may be glad of it then. Also, she might need it in future and you can use it to help her out. As she ages you could use it to make her life more comfortable etc.

There are far worse things you could fall out over. She wants to do it and while its a slight on your independence its small in the grand scheme of things.

That might be a solution that will keep you both happy.

Big Bag of Chips

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I don't know if you'll ever change her, but how about using it "against her"! If she smuggles money to your account or whatever, buy her something from it. Book her and your dad into a hotel for the weekend. Buy her cinema vouchers. That short of thing.

TBH that's what I'd do. As supremely annoying as this is for you, for some reason it makes her happy and I'd want my Mam to be happy ... but you can take back a little control by diverting the funds towards doing things for her which makes YOU happy.

Birdsong

Have something of a similar situation, though but the large sums of money. We had a tough childhood with very little money and I think now that it's my mother's way of doing something nice for you.

Take it in the spirit of was intended, it's not about you not being able to support yourself, it's about her being able to do something for you. I would agree with previous posters, either use it to buy vouchers etc or save it for future, you never know what that will bring.

LegacyUser

I really don't see the issue here? Just take the money and be glad to get it. Better getting in now than in an inheritance.

I'm in my early 30's and my mother often gives me money, birthdays, xmas etc is always 100's. have been given 1k or more on occasion and very regulalry would get 20's and 50's etc. I always make one attempt to say no but then take it, why not? My parents are very comfortable and can afford it, obviously if they were giving what they don't have it would be different.

I don't see how it would make you less independent either?

elusiveguy

Why not take it but put it into a separate savings account? Maybe someday you'll need it or she'll need it and it will be there? It makes her happy and you, sort of, won't be accepting it?

Mrs OBumble

It sounds like shes feeling guilty over something and trying to buy forgiveness.

Do you have any siblings? How do they feel about it.

Does your fathwr know what she's up to?

You could tell her that anything she gives you will be put into an account to pay for her funeral.

fishy_fishy

You could tell her that anything she gives you will be put into an account to pay for her funeral.

Bloody hell that's twisted!

It's also cruel and might make her feel like she then has to keep giving money because it "must be on her mind" about funeral costs in the future.

Jaysus.

OP, have you asked her why she gives so much money to you? If you don't want the money I'd be more inclined to put the money she gives you towards nice things you can do together, or that you can pay for for her and your dad (weekends away etc).

LegacyUser

OP my mother is exactly the same. Last xmas we went away and the deal was everyone would cover their own flights and hotel (everyone being her, me and my sibling) but she then turned around and paid for the flights and the hotel. We then agreed myself and my sibling would cover spending money but again she kept paying for everything. I had a sit down with her and explained I didn't need or want her paying for everything but she said it was her money and that's how she wanted to spend it and she wanted to see me and my sibling enjoy it rather than leave us the money in a will. Since then I've stopped getting upset about it. I don't see it as a reflection on my ability to look after myself. I know I am independent and don't need mammy paying for things but I also know it means a lot to her. In contrast her own mother is still alive and she's saved a small fortune which she has told my mum she will leave to her. She saves money from her pension and has money she got when my grandad passed that she refuses to touch. We think it's cracked as we don't need the money and would rather she spent it on herself to enjoy her last years rather then leaving it to us.

As long as your mum isn't leaving herself short I'd say take the money - save it or spend it on her if that makes it easier.

Teyla Emmagan

Put it all in a bank account and take her somewhere amazing in a few years. Just the two of you. She obviously loves you OP, it may be frustrating that she doesn't listen but I wouldn't fall out over it.

ManOfMystery

I've had this same issue with my folks OP. They want to pay for everything and have done since as long as I can remember. They are fairly well off and not showy with it, but do like to be very generous with me and my siblings. Once I left home and was in full time employment at the age of 18 I tried to nip it in the bud but I'm now 39 and it still continues.................. I even had to 'haggle' with them to reduce their wedding gift by 50% as I felt they were giving us a ridiculous amount and we wanted to pay for the wedding ourselves. 

The strange thing is, my father has always taught me to stand on my own feet and earn my own money - but can't reconcile that with this paternal need to financially protect us. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't get angry with them over it - they're my parents and I love them - but they know now if their wallet appears and I roll my eyes, they put it away again. Going out for dinner with them is almost like musical chairs, with me trying to get up and pay the bill at the end before my father does. 

I don't think there's any way to completely disable this instinct in my parents, or in your mother. Their heart is in the right place and the sentiment is obvious, even if it drives us mad at times. You just have to go with the flow and be a bit more crafty about it - as someone has said above, put the money away and then use it to treat your Mum to a holiday or a nice gift down the line, or buy her a TV or washing machine or whatever should their existing one fail. That kinda thing.

spurshero

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

It sounds like shes feeling guilty over something and trying to buy forgiveness.

Do you have any siblings? How do they feel about it.

Does your fathwr know what she's up to?

You could tell her that anything she gives you will be put into an account to pay for her funeral.

Cause a parent can only give money if there guilty over something ! Oh ya take it and tell them it's going towards there funeral . Cheer up for gods sake

gazzer

Just accept the money and save it up and treat your mother to a nice holiday down the line.

Bambi985

Have you actually asked your mother why she's so insistent about giving you money? She may well be protecting her assets or saving you from a massive tax bill when she's gone. Ever read up about inheritance tax rates in Ireland?

SarahMollie

Yeah I'm also curious if you've asked her why rather than just telling her to stop.

I get this a bit with my own parents. If I say I'm buying a new car, a cheque for a few €k will appear, despite me repeatedly telling them that I don't need it - this is usually from my Dad. I just let the cheques expire. My mothers MO is PrizeBonds, bless her Its just so mammyish.

That said, my Dad and I sat down recently as he wanted to give me money as he wants to avoid inheritance tax for me in the future - so whilst I might not need/want the moeny now, is fair enough from his POV. He sees it that he's already been taxed on the income as he earned it and its important to him that it goes to me and not the revenue. He's going to write me a cheque for the allowed amount every year and I'm going to invest it. That way I'm still funding my own life on a day to day basis, but he's getting ahead of the taxman so to speak. Also, having it more formalized just makes it easier than him coming up with ways to "help" where help isnt needed.