Struggling with social media and comparisons with other people.

LegacyUser

Bit of a strange issue to ask for advice on but definitely one that is severely affecting my mood. So, I'm 26, and to be honest, I feel way behind everyone else in life, and the comparisons wuth others on social media reinforce that.

I still live at home because I cannot afford moving out (I pay my parents rent money but obviously it's cheaper than I'd be charged moving out)). I'm still not quite sure what exactly I want to be when I grow up (that's my way of saying I'm no more clued in about my future career than I was when I was 12).

And most of all, I'm just not popular..at all. I don't have anything resembling the social life that most others do. I only have one real friend, and I don't do many social things that involve meeting people. It all becomes evident when I look at Facebook:

I get about 5-10 happy birthday messages at most when my birthday comes around. This is a particularly unhappy time because it reinforces my perception that nobody really knows or cares I exist. Other Facebook friends (who aren't actual friends of mine), get something like 20-30 happy birthday wishes, which I'm assuming are from people who know them well.

I see people on Facebook going out to parties or drinking events with huge groups of people and I can't help but feel envious that my own social life is crap. I'm never at parties like that; I just go out with my one best friend for a drink the odd time and we drink coffee together a few times each week.

I see pics of ex-work colleagues who are all traveling together at various times around the country and seemingly having the craic. I left (didn't renew the contract) my office job because I hated the work and I wanted to travel. I was also suffering from anxiety, which I'm still trying to get under control. I now work from home but it barely pays the bills and it's rather solitary. The worst part is the thought "that could've been me" having that great social life that all my ex-colleagues who transitioned from temp to permanent now have.

On the whole, social media just shows me how dull and unfulfilling my life is compared to most other people. It reminds me of my loneliness. And I don't think I'm just filtering the good stuff from other's lives; my life is genuinely a struggle and a difficult, sometimes lonely existence. Other people's lives seem to be filled with fun and a constant barrage of social events.

I dunno what advice I'm looking for but I guess just outside perspective would be a nice place to start. Thanks.

LegacyUser

Simple, delete your social media. While not the root cause of your issues it's the active method by which you compare self to others. Start doing stuff for self, sports, education, self improvement clubs etc and start comparing who you are then to the person you were. It's all fake-holidays and gifts people can't afford, holidays where they're glued to phone, happy relationships and families that are probably at war. It is all for show and you show the best of you or what you want perceived as best of you 😂. It isn't real life!

dev100

socialstruggles1 wrote:

Bit of a strange issue to ask for advice on but definitely one that is severely affecting my mood. So, I'm 26, and to be honest, I feel way behind everyone else in life, and the comparisons wuth others on social media reinforce that.

I wouldn't worry too much. You will eventually learn not everyone's life is rosey. You shouldn't judge your life by what's connected to social media.

socialstruggles1 wrote:

I get about 5-10 happy birthday messages at most when my birthday comes around. This is a particularly unhappy time because it reinforces my perception that nobody really knows or cares I exist. Other Facebook friends (who aren't actual friends of mine), get something like 20-30 happy birthday wishes, which I'm assuming are from people who know them well.

it's like sheep when one goes thru a gap the rest all follow . All it takes is one person to wish you happy B day on line and then the rest will follow . I can guarantee you online friends would never remember your B day if you had it hidden. Close friends will text or ring you and wish you happy B day I know exactly when my mates B day is and vice versa and we don't need Fb to tell us .

I judge by quality and not quantity . I know if I'm broke down or need help in anyway . I can dial up a friend and he ll help me no matter what time day or night and he knows it would be reciprocated .

LegacyUser

If you looked at my fb page, you'd see in the last month that I had a load of people wish me happy birthday, most of whom i've met once or twice through work & had to befriend because of work.
You'd see i've been abroad twice in the last month, because of work & friend commitments, and while it looked gorgeous, it was exhausting, phsyically & mentally.
What you wouldn't see are the many, many nights I'm awake not able to sleep because my brain is telling me I'm crap at my job, that i'm a terrible friend because I haven't been in touch with anyone unless it's an absolute necessity.

You wouldn't see me curled into a ball on the couch and then scurry up the stairs when I hear my landlord's (whom i live with) car arrive, because I don't wanna talk to anyone.

No one shows their true lives/selves on fb/instagram etc, it's not what's it's there for in most people's view-most people use it for showing what they'd like their lives to be!

Focus on yourself, is there anything you enjoy doing? You say your anxiety has held you back, but is there any chance that you could do small little things that you might enjoy? Be it deciding to stay in and watch Netflix? Or is there any friends close by that you could get in touch with that you could meet for coffee nearby that you haven't seen for a while? I recently (accidentally!) texted the wrong friend about meeting for a cuppa & ended up meeting and had a fairly enjoyable time. But if you asked me before, i'd have said there'd be no point in catching up with her as we'd have nothing in common nowadays!


Anyway, rambling aside, please, never, never trust what you see on social media, just trust in yourself! Mind yourself as best you can,xx

amtc

I'm not friends to two of my best friends on Facebook, I am with another and also my mother but I get cards from all them. I'd be irked to get a Facebook greeting! Birthday messages tend to be from my cousins and friends abroad.

And people only put on Facebook what they want to. They'll always make it look good.

Ursus Horribilis

If you're not comfortable in your own skin, social media has the potential to make you feel like crap. If you go by the "norms" on there, everyone has loads of friends and they're having a right jolly old time on their nights out. Not everyone is like that and there are lots of people who "only" have a handful of friends. If you've got a friend or two who you know would get up out of bed at 4am to rescue you because your car has broken down, you're winning.

Having said that, the way you're living your life at the moment isn't ideal. Anxiety and loneliness aren't helped by working from home and not having any social contact. Are you getting any help for your anxiety? Is there any particular reason why you've chosen to work from home rather than finding another office job? I get that the work you did wasn't what you liked but it was getting you out of the house and out meeting people. Holing yourself up at home is not good for you.

I think you need to get help for your anxiety if you're not currently doing so. You could also benefit from seeing a career's coach. Maybe they'll give you some ideas of where to go next or what to try. Anything has to be better than the way your life is going.

Afroshack

OP, i guarantee that those people you are looking at feel exactly the same when they look at others on social media. Its created this very distorted reality - there now exists a huge gap between who we are on social media and who we really are. One of the Rubberbandits gave a talk on this before and how this 'space' or 'gap' between the Facebook us and the 'real' us is where mental illnesses start to brew. I agree with the others, delete your Facebook. And if its any consolation, I post constantly about travelling and seeing my friends. I tag myself at every concert or event I attend. I post smiling, happy selfies. To anyone, I look happy and fulfilled but what people dont know is that I've spent the past year on antidepressants, not sleeping and dealing with awful, awful anxiety.

My fabulous life on Facebook is really just a mask so people don't guess how I really feel most of the time. Its a lie, aided by others feeding the same lies about themselves. Delete yours and focus on developing your REAL self. Not your facebook one.

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Having said that, the way you're living your life at the moment isn't ideal. Anxiety and loneliness aren't helped by working from home and not having any social contact. Are you getting any help for your anxiety? Is there any particular reason why you've chosen to work from home rather than finding another office job? I get that the work you did wasn't what you liked but it was getting you out of the house and out meeting people. Holing yourself up at home is not good for you.

Thanks for your reply. I work from home mostly because it's work I enjoy. I try to get out of the house and work at the library sometimes. I saw a guidance counselor who told me there was no harm in pursuing the career path I'm going down because it's well suited to me and my skills, and that working from home isn't harmful once you build connections outside of work hours. That's where the problem lies; I don't really have anything going for me socially.

I'm working on the anxiety but it's an ongoing thing. Self-esteem is a big problem too.

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Anything has to be better than the way your life is going.

And it's those words which reflect pretty much what goes on in my head all the time. Anything I've ever achieved is irrelevant to me because everyone else has a more exciting sociable life, and you've just confirmed that.

Tsipras

I nearly thought this was a wind-up,
If Facebook is making you unhappy get rid of it!
If you want to travel - do travel and you'll meet great people,
Or just be more open to meeting people, get involved in community stuff, co-ops ect.
Good luck

Addle

JOBO
Joy of being oblivious.
Quit Facebook, Snapchat, instagram and twitter.
You won't miss them.

Ursus Horribilis

socialstruggles1 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. I work from home mostly because it's work I enjoy. I try to get out of the house and work at the library sometimes. I saw a guidance counselor who told me there was no harm in pursuing the career path I'm going down because it's well suited to me and my skills, and that working from home isn't harmful once you build connections outside of work hours. That's where the problem lies; I don't really have anything going for me socially.

Is going to the library really much different though? Unless there are people you get talking to when you go there? All you're doing there is working at a different desk.

To build up connections outside of work hours, I'm afraid you're going to have to do the running on this yourself. It's not for nothing that people join musical societies, book clubs, walking clubs. meetup.com and the likes. It's the social side that's behind it and getting out of the house. Is there anything going on locally that you fancy joining? You could get your friend to come along if you don't want to go on your own.

I'm working on the anxiety but it's an ongoing thing. Self-esteem is a big problem too.

So what are you doing about this? Did you ever go to a GP or a therapist or are you self-diagnosing?

And it's those words which reflect pretty much what goes on in my head all the time. Anything I've ever achieved is irrelevant to me because everyone else has a more exciting sociable life, and you've just confirmed that.

You're twisting my words. The point I clearly didn't make well enough was this.
People post stuff on Facebook to make themselves look good. Yes, SOME people go out in larger groups and if that's their thing that's fine. Not everybody does. But most people, regardless of how many friends they have, haven't socially isolated themselves the way you have. That is your problem. Not Facebook and what other people are doing.

dellas1979

Ive been at pretty boring parties, and seen pics afterwards on fb, and youre like ummmm wha? there was maybe 30seconds where people pulled that pose to give an impression of "having fun" and that was it.

Fb isnt real. Thats how I see pics etc on it. What happened before and after. Not in that some what staged 30 secs. I dont feel envious of anyone's life through facebook. I also believe that people who post things about themselves and pics all the time have even worse self esteem, as its a form of validation.

Your feeling of unhappiness in your life is real. And the great thing, is it is something you can change.

You wanna do something interesting? Do it for yourself. Learn something new. Grow.

You wanna travel? Go travel. Youll meet really interesting people.

Youre the only one who can create new opportunities for yourself!

Airyfairy12

I recently did a scroll through my facebook timeline and felt like I was viewing my page like an outsider would, I was a little more detached and scrolling through it honestly looked like my life was very fulfilling. Being tagged in statutes, attending university, living in my own place, in a relationship, going to gigs and events. It all looked so colourful, in reality I was dirt poor and couldn't afford food, I was barely making rent and my housemate was a d!ck, my 'perfect partner' was openly cheating and abusive, I hardly ever went out and was crippled with anxiety and depression, the 'friends' I had back then I didnt feel close to and havnt seen or spoken to them in years but at the time I looked to everyone else like I was popular with my sh!t together which couldnt have been further from the truth. You have no idea what is or isnt going on with those people in their real lives and social media is no way to judge anyones life. Unfollow everyone that makes you feel envious and start a plan of the things youd like to achieve and start working towards them.

Wesser

I think you need to focus more in your actual life and not on your online life. Not happy with your life? Close down your computer and get out and do something about it.

sReq | uTeK

Wesser wrote: »

I think you need to focus more in your actual life and not on your online life. Not happy with your life? Close down your computer and get out and do something about it.

Hey OP, news flash all you need in life is one good friend. I deactivated my FB account a year ago. Best thing I ever did. I got pissed off with people posting sick children photos for a prsyer.

I have a close circle of 3-4 friends and I might head out with them twice a year. It was only at 26 that I got my life together and met my now wife.

I have 2 kids, a good job and love my life.

Relax and stop putting so much pressure on yourself.

And do yourself a favour and delete that social media junk. It's deteemental to ones health

via4

I'm sorry to hear that your struggling. I have been there and it's tough. The best advice has already been given. Delete social media. Also the people that post the most are the most lonely. Even though it seems the opposite.
I was totally isolated at one point in my life I felt invisible like yourself.
I have to admit it wasn't easy building a new life trying to meet new people with the new found trust issues I now have with people ( I wait for the let downs now and this time round I don't take them personally ) .
I started going to meetups I felt uncomfortable but it was the only way t get out of the house. I met a few people from that and other nights out have progressed from those nights. I learned you can have " going out buddies" people you socialise with they don't need to know your business or get too close.
Also going to fitness classes in the evening. Because you work from home you should try to do an activity in the evening that involves being around people. It takes effort and time when you may just want a night of Netflix but this can be unhelpful when you want to meet new people.
Also try and reconnect with old mates or work colleagues. I reached out to some but others didn't want to know but I recently got a text to go on a holiday to go with one work colleuge from years ago but they had no one else to go with so they asked me so a lot of people are in the same boat I feel. It's about putting yourself out there and opportunities will arise.

blairbear

I find it hard to get on board with the assertion that every very active/happy seeming person on social media is secretly lonely and miserable.

Some people are genuinely happy for a good portion of the time. Nobody is happy and fulfilled and not lonely all of the time, of course. I think it's quite negative and unrealistic to say that nobody who posts a lot is content in their lives. I'd feel very hopeless if I was the OP and thought that; "well, I'm in bad form right now but everyone else is in the same boat, so it's grand." It doesn't help matters.

OP, different people are happy at different stages of their lives, and with different aspects. One person might have a lovely relationship but their career isn't going so well, and vice versa. Facebook obviously (and thankfully) can't tell us the full story about anyone.

Maybe deactivate your account for a while if it's upsetting you a lot. You need to widen your social net more than anything. I don't mean with nights out, etc. You need to find opportunities to interact with other people. There are lots of local buddy systems all over the country where you can opt to be a weekly companion to an elderly person or someone with special needs. There are myriad organisations you can volunteer for too. Working at home is affording you no opportunities to socialise or interact with anyone. We'd all be isolated and climbing the walls in your situation I think.

You're only 26. That is so young and not many people have the show on the road re; career at that age. You need to be kinder to yourself.

Hannibal_Smith

Social media now is what airbrushing used to be in magazines. People put up their best pictures and will use it to show the great person they are, great lives they lead etc. There are some I know behind the scenes and I know the sh*t they are in, yet on fb you'd think they had life by the balls! I am particularly suspicious of people who over use the 'crying with laughter smiley'.

Don't take it seriously BUT if it is getting you down, just remove yourself and focus on your own reality. You are no better or no worse than anyone else. You are living your own life through the circumstances you are in.

As far as the well-being of people is concerned, social media is utterly toxic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIVi0RkIS6E

This video explains some points really well.

Also, you should realise there is nothing "defective" about you as a person - it is simply that the degree of social, personal and working life achievement we each expect of ourselves is way way higher than it was among people even 20 years ago. Instead of having a job, nowadays people are expected to have, and expect themselves to have, a career. In order to meet these high expectations/aspirations, we are required (all else being equal) to be more self-focussed and so we become less concerned with the feelings and well being of others - we become atomised/indibidualised and thus more lonely.

Many of your facebook friends are people you went to primary school, secondary school and college with, right? Prior to about 2006 you would have likely lost touch with most of those people after you left school/college and they would no longer have been mentally-available reference points against which to compare your own life situation. You are only "meant" to have a few friends who you know in real life and who you can compare yourself to. And in the past, when expectations were much lower, the chances were that your friends would not have been as highly achieved as they are now.

I could go on but my main point is not to beat yourself up too much for feeling down about your life situation - it is only because of very recently developed social pressures and norms that you feel as bad as you do. 20 or 50 or 100 years ago "you" might have been happier (ignoring the philosophical musings that what "you" are is a person who has grown up and experienced life since 1991 or so). And those friends you see doing well for themselves; many of them probably feel similarly to you and it is only the fear of having to feel inferior to others that spurs them on and they probably suffer some degree of psychological burnout and ill-being due to the endless pursuit of social status contentment. We are living in psychologically toxic times. It is not even a luxury any more to be good-looking - social media has made it a baseline necessity (hence the massive increase in people obsessed with "the gym" and fitness and diet.) Behind closed doors, many people are mentally f'ucked.

via4

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Also, you should realise there is nothing "defective" about you as a person - it is simply that the degree of social, personal and working life achievement we each expect of ourselves is way way higher than it was among people even 20 years ago. Instead of having a job, nowadays people are expected to have, and expect themselves to have, a career. In order to meet these high expectations/aspirations, we are required (all else being equal) to be more self-focussed and so we become less concerned with the feelings and well being of others - we become atomised/indibidualised and thus more lonely.

Many of your facebook friends are people you went to primary school, secondary school and college with, right? Prior to about 2006 you would have likely lost touch with most of those people after you left school/college and they would no longer have been mentally-available reference points against which to compare your own life situation. You are only "meant" to have a few friends who you know in real life and who you can compare yourself to. And in the past, when expectations were much lower, the chances were that your friends would not have been as highly achieved as they are now.

I could go on but my main point is not to beat yourself up too much for feeling down about your life situation - it is only because of very recently developed social pressures and norms that you feel as bad as you do. 20 or 50 or 100 years ago "you" might have been happier (ignoring the philosophical musings that what "you" are is a person who has grown up and experienced life since 1991 or so). And those friends you see doing well for themselves; many of them probably feel similarly to you and it is only the fear of having to feel inferior to others that spurs them on and they probably suffer some degree of psychological burnout and ill-being due to the endless pursuit of social status contentment. We are living in psychologically toxic times. It is not even a luxury any more to be good-looking - social media has made it a baseline necessity (hence the massive increase in people obsessed with "the gym" and fitness and diet.) Behind closed doors, many people are mentally f'ucked.

Great post and I agree with everything you worded it so well. It's funny how we constantly compare ourselves to others because in doing so it makes us feel unhappy. Why does it matter everyone's day will come. years ago times were much simpler I feel bad for the younger generation I truly do they will constantly feel inferior even if they are doing great. I know a girl I went to school with and she has no friends she spends her life on instagram and working out and running around having " the best weekend" ever she can never just relax posting a million things a day I can see her heading for a breakdown as she hunts every now and again about how exhausted she is and it's great that she can barely walk her muscles are sore from training I just think if there was no instagram half these people wouldn't be near a gym....