Help please..

crowlady

Unreg for this... not sure what to do, need some advice

I've been with my partner for almost 6 years, we had quite a turbulent start to our relationship which was long-distance to start off (3 hour drive), then around 4 years ago I moved in with him with my daughter. Living together really was a disaster and around 2.5 years ago we moved out to a place of our own nearby. I know this wouldn't necessarily be conventional but it really worked for us and our relationship has been pretty good since then, a few ups and downs naturally but we've been very happy in general.

He has a lot of issues from his past, mostly around abandonment (adopted) and a very abusive (adopted) father as well as the death of both his (adopted) siblings, I have issues of my own mostly around serious physical abuse and some sexual abuse from childhood as well as a failed marriage. We also had a miscarriage early on in the relationship.
I've done many years of counselling, therapy & healing on myself and in a good place now or so I thought.

I recently moved house again, same town and though it's a really good move for me and my daughter it seems to have brought up a lot of old dark stuff for my partner, who also gave up cigarettes 2 weeks before hand! We had to move back in with him for around a week between moving out of one house & moving in to the new one- it was a TOTAL DISASTER, all the old stuff of living together came back up again even though we've stayed with him during the time previously without any serious problems.

When we moved out originally we moved to quite a small house and I had to leave quite a lot of stuff in his place which he didn't seem to mind but since moving he has become obsessed with me 'getting all my **** out of his house'.

I am quite happy to do that but all I asked for was a bit of time to unpack this new place first (we're here only a week yesterday- Wednesday), I also have quite a severe neck injury and am waiting for spinal surgery for the last 2.5 years, so on top of the stress of moving I am also in a great deal of pain, I take quite strong pain killers & have a pain patch.

He has been absolutely brilliant during the move, carrying and moving & driving but he's just been going on and on and on about me moving my other stuff from his house EVERY TIME we see each other or speak to each other... he said he would help but it was literally driving me insane, I begged him to give me some time but he wouldn't listen and eventually it came to a huge head & I told him I wanted to finish with him out of desperation mostly. I regretted it instantly.

Since then he has cut me off almost completely, I've tried explaining that I didn't mean it and I was sorry... we have both said it before at different times and the other knew it wasn't meant, he has also said some pretty horrible things to me in the past which I have forgiven him for.

I'm in absolute bits over this, I really love him & I don't want to lose him but I also know he acted really badly and was basically bullying me at a very vulnerable point in my life. This has brought up some really old dark feelings for me and I'm really not taking it very well at all, not sleeping, crying all the time... I can't stop thinking about it and I have a pain in my chest and stomach.

He won't answer my calls or texts apart from speaking yesterday to confirm I would go over on Saturday to basically clear the house out.

I got very emotional during this call and was looking for clarification, he kept saying that I was the one who finished it and now he's adjusting to that (I said I didn't mean it & explained why I said it) & at the end I asked him can you just answer me if we are finished or not and he said 'ok yeah it's over, whatever' or words to that effect...

It's been a week of hell... gone from chatting to my best friend a few times a day and seeing each other every day to next to nothing at all and he knows that this is killing me too I'm living in a town far from close friends and family that I moved to basically to be with him, I know a good few people but mostly all of them through him and no-one I'm really close to.

Dial Hard

I know it's not want you want to hear, OP, but this entire relationship sounds so codependent and toxic. You say you've been through years of counselling but has he?

I genuinely don't want to belittle your hurt or your love for him but it sounds a bit like you might have been in a bit of a "wood for the trees" situation for the past few years and perhaps a little time and distance from him mightn't be the worst thing in the world.

crowlady

You might be right Dial Hard but I know there's a huge amount of love there for each other too

No he hasn't had counselling as far as I know apart from a few sessions after the end of his last relationship but that was a long time ago

tara73

to me, it sounds he checked out of the relationship for some time and you didn't notice. (no criticism, he might have hid it very well)
Because it sounds he was just looking for a reason to stir trouble and that trouble was your stuff in his house. But it's also indicative it was your stuff, because pestering you with removing it from his house is symbolic for kicking you as a person out of his life.

It's not a very nice way to do it, very cowardish and respectless after such a long time together, but people are not always fair, even not the ones we love.
I would cut all contact for the time being. He might get back to you in some days/weeks. He sounds like a troubled person, so if he comes back to you you might consider also working on the relationship again.

leggo

OP, I'm sorry, but before you even got to the part about him moving your stuff, I was already thinking that this didn't sound like a great relationship. Aside from brief spells, it doesn't sound like there was any part of it that was actually good and happy for a prolonged, sustained period. And when you went through both of your personal histories, it kinda rang alarm bells in my head. If the dynamic had worked, great, but it doesn't sound like it ever really has.

Victims of abuse tend to feel in their comfort zone in toxic situations, and can even be prone to sabotaging happy situations, out of fear for what would happen if things go wrong. What I think has happened here, unfortunately, is that you two may have found a case of the former. You're not actually helping each other. You're just settling for the painful familiar and actually risk undoing any good work both of you have done to get past your past difficulties. You're just not good for each other, sadly. Whether you love each other or not, sometimes that isn't enough.

Take this opportunity to take a step back. Look at your daughter. Think about the horrible arguments the two of you had and the amount of times you've had to upend your life for this relationship that has always been in strife. Do you think it's good for her to bring her up in that environment? Or would you rather something more stable? Because, even if he comes back (and he likely will), you're probably not going to get that stability from him.

crowlady

Thank you for your post & I do appreciate your feedback.
I don't know if you missed the part about us being in a pretty good place for the last 2.5 years more or less, I feel like that's a good amount of sustained time.
Yes I am a survivor of abuse of different kinds but I've worked really really hard to get where I am today and we have both worked on the relationship​.
I know it's difficult for me to tell as my parents didn't exactly have a good relationship either but he's definitely the best & most loving man I've been with over long term & he ticks most of my boxes!
Is there anyone who can say their partner ticks all of their boxes? Maybe I don't know & as I said maybe I can't see the wood for my trees that are distorted by abuse & sabotage... Sigh
With regards to my daughter, they have a lovely relationship & he's always been more of a father to her than her own father has ever been.
I feel so alone, hurt, angry and confused right now

leggo

It's your life OP and if it came across like I was having a go, that really wasn't my intention. I'm just going off the info you gave, of course you're living it.

I'm going off the fact that every time you live together and take the relationship to a certain stage it becomes a total disaster (your own words) and how you actually have to step back from the situation to make it better. I think there's something in that personally and you've been given a lucky break here, whether you see it that way or not.

Also look at the fact that the pair of you regularly break up with each other as a normal, expected part of an argument...especially when you say yourself he has abandonment issues! So your instinct when things get tough is to do the worst possible thing you can do to him? That's not healthy. And same on his side: when you're going out with someone with a child, you really don't have the option of doing fake break-ups constantly because you need to be offering them stability and security, else he's just going to pass his abandonment issues onto your daughter then too.

Does it not sound like, given the overwhelming balance of evidence here, life is trying to tell you that this isn't the guy for you? Is 'not being able to ever live together' one of the boxes you want ticked? I'm not saying he's necessarily a bad guy, it's just that you seem bad for each other. Why not take this opportunity now you're 'broken up' to see if you can be happy without him and, in time, maybe meet someone more laid back who can give you and your daughter more stability?

crowlady

No I didn't think you were having a go & maybe you are right.
No, living with him is not one of the boxes I want ticked quite honestly I really like living on my own & so does he!
A lot of the turbulence & drama was in the early days & we haven't had this kind of situation for many years now which is why it's hit me so hard I think... We have both worked so hard on the relationship​, it's kind of knocked me.
I know I hurt him by saying I wanted to finish it & I have apologised to him for that & tried to explain why. Nothing more I can do now.
Thank you

crowlady

We have stayed together for longer periods than a week in the meantime & things have been great.
It was just this time when it really seemed to trigger something deeper, whether it was the cigarettes, the stress levels, me moving again or what I don't know...
I didn't sleep very well last night, dreamt about him a lot

mikeybrennan

I think you need a new start

This is awful by the sounds of it and won't get better

Big Bag of Chips

You do know relationships shouldn't be so hard, don't you. If I read it properly, even though you've been together for around 6 years, between long distance, living together etc you only had an 18 month period of living together, 2 and a half years ago, which by your own admission was an absolute disaster.

This relationship isn't good. It doesn't work. It's not good for your daughter. It's confusing for everyone involved. Not all relationships are conventional and fit into "normal" parameters. But if they work for people, great. I remember hearing Maia Dunphy talking about living with Johnny Vegas. They've been married a few years now, have a baby but only recently moved in together! He was based in London, she was based in Dublin, but it worked for them. It's not working for you. Something set him off and he went on and on about something. That then set you off and you ended the relationship but didn't mean it.

This is not good, OP. You two might be best friends, you might have a deep affection and a love of sorts for each other, but you're not good in a relationship. You can't make it work no matter how hard you try. There's not much you can do about how he is feeling now, except wait and see what happens. But I think you need to take a step back. Look at this relationship as a whole. Look how it is working for all of you. You need to also consider your daughter and what she sees as an example of what a relationship should be. Think if your daughter was in a similar relationship in a few years would you be happy for her?

I don't think either of you are wrong. I don't think either of you are being unfair and unreasonable. But I do think being together isn't good for you both. Sometimes the hardest thing to let go off is the routine and the habit of a relationship. But you have to look to long term and see is this the sort of relationship you can see yourself being happy to be part of for the next, 30/40 years?

crowlady

Thanks for your reply.
Yes I do see myself being with him & happy in 20, 30, 40 years.
We have a similar view on life while we don't agree on everything, we share interests & hobbies, we have made plans for the future together, we enjoy time together & complement each other well.
Yes it took us a while to get there & recent events have rocked that but surely not every relationship is roses & light every day?
I don't know what to say... I came here looking for some help & maybe some insight, also constructive criticism but didn't expect every comment to be- break up with him, it's all wrong & toxic.
I know we both have had difficult childhoods but does that mean that anyone who has had abuse or trauma in the past shouldn't ever be in a relationship? I think there are very few people who have had a perfect childhood & don't have any baggage at all... don't people deserve a chance to grow, learn & improve??
Maybe not I guess...

crowlady

We were in a long distance relationship for 2 years (3 hours drive) but would see each other a few times a month (weekends etc) as well as spending extended time together during holidays.
We then lived together for around a year which didn't go well but obviously wasn't all terrible. I made the decision to move for other reasons too not just the difficulties we were having.
The last 2-3 years we've been living in separate houses 10 minutes from each other but we see each other every day. He stays at mine & we stay at his most weekends too. This has worked out great.

It's hard to get every bit of information into an initial post!

LegacyUser

crowlady wrote: »

<Mod Snip> No need to quote entire post

OP, you seem to not really be listening to what people are actually saying. No one has said that people who have been abused can't be in relationships. What has been said is that your relationship isn't working. Relationships aren't all light and happiness and daisies all of the time but there shouldn't ever be a time when one person breaks up with the other just because they're angry. Have you thought about the example you're setting for your daughter? That drama and on/off relationships are normal. The truth is, they're not. They're not functional and not healthy and not normal. A healthy relationship means you're a team, that he's not going to get angry that you've left some stuff in the house and berate you for it; that you're not going to get fed up, break up with him, and then come crawling back. While I don't doubt that you both love each other, it's not a healthy dynamic and not a great example for your daughter.

leggo

crowlady wrote: »

I know we both have had difficult childhoods but does that mean that anyone who has had abuse or trauma in the past shouldn't ever be in a relationship? I think there are very few people who have had a perfect childhood & don't have any baggage at all... don't people deserve a chance to grow, learn & improve??

Nobody is saying that. But often two people who have had such a torrid time often aren't good for each other. It can feel like it's good because you can relate to each other in ways that others can't, but their issues can also clash and they can bring out the worst in each other. For example imagine someone with intimacy issues from childhood matching up with someone with abandonment issues: often the things they went through will be similar and, thus, bond them, but then trying to put their lives together is a mess because their baggage isn't compatible and, in fact, sets the other off.

I had an ex who went through some stuff as a child who had a friend who suffered from severe depression. 'Depression buddies' I'd call them in my head. When I met them first, it felt off. Then as time went on I'd see that whenever my ex saw this person she'd come back drained and would go into herself. This person and their issues would bring her back to her own issues. They needed counselling off a trained professional, not to seek comfort with someone who was trying to overcome their own difficulties.

That's what I'm saying at least when I bring up your struggles, not that you don't deserve happiness. In fact, the opposite, I think you deserve to be with someone who can give you happiness, security, long-term sustainability and a normal, steady relationship for you and your daughter. One where maybe you can live together without it becoming a total disaster, for example. And so does he.

Big Bag of Chips

crowlady wrote: »

Yes it took us a while to get there & recent events have rocked that but surely not every relationship is roses & light every day?

Of course not every relationship is roses and light every day. I'd go so far as to say NO relationship is roses and light every day. But, how you deal with the tough times is what determines whether or not you have a good relationship. Your relationship doesn't seem very strong. That's all I'm saying. If suddenly after 2 and a half years all your stuff is driving him mad, and your reaction is to break up with him then the relationship has problems.

Perhaps counselling could help you both to communicate better with each other?

know we both have had difficult childhoods but does that mean that anyone who has had abuse or trauma in the past shouldn't ever be in a relationship?........ don't people deserve a chance to grow, learn & improve??
Maybe not I guess...

Nobody is saying you shouldn't ever be in a relationship. What people are saying is maybe you (both) shouldn't be in THIS relationship. Just because you both has tough upbringings doesn't mean that you are going to be compatible and good for each other now. Maybe you would both be much happier in a different relationship.

Look, it's difficult to fully advise. You posted about your problems and the ongoing struggles in a 6 year relationship. Of course you've had good times. You wouldn't be still involved 6 years later if there weren't good times. Maybe as a couple you can go to counselling and work it out.

But as it stands, you are not a couple. You ended it with him and whether or not you meant it, he us now refusing to get back together. You can't force him. You can't make him decide he wants to be in a relationship with you. Maybe things have been building up for him for a while. Maybe your stuff isn't the problem at all, but it's what he latched on to. Maybe his heart isn't in it anymore and you have now given him the excuse to walk away. You don't know. And unless he speaks to you, you won't know.

A relationship can only work if both people want it to. It's not enough for just one person to want it really badly.

adomackno101

A lot of what's going on here sounds like classic adoption/abandonment issues.....im an adoptee and a social care professional....<Snip>

wirelessdude01

Don't ask questions if you aren't prepared for the answers. I would also agree that this is toxic and you really should have the common sense for your own well being to just walk away and start over. You will not and possibly can never be totally happy in this relationship.