Abusive relationship?

LegacyUser

Just wondering if people can let me know their thoughts. I've been married to my wife for several years now but her behaviour has become increasingly aggressive over time.

At the start she'd be prone to losing her temper every so often but it wasn't something I couldn't handle, we all do it. Over the last few years she's become more erratic, sarcastic and mean. I don't know when an outburst is coming and at times don't feel comfortable at home.

There could be an outburst, with things being thrown around the kitchen if I hadn't gotten around to feeding the kids just yet. Or if I'm in the middle of fixing something, let's say anchoring a cabinet to the wall, she'll pull on it with all her force until it cracks the plaster board and then proceed to tell me how much of a $h1t job I'm doing.

The major problem is when I respond to this behaviour she will either start crying saying I'm being awful to her, start shouting more and acting more aggressively or try to manipulate it so that whatever the problem is, is my fault.

I constantly get the blame for pretty much anything gone wrong. Lost car keys? My fault, I obviously moved them. No milk in the fridge? My fault because clearly I had the last of it and didn't buy more. It's draining dealing with this on a daily basis.

She often uses our baby to project like "Daddy's crap at this isn't he?" Or "He hasn't a clue does he?" And laughs.

We have 2 kids who I adore, I couldn't be without them but at the same time can I continue in a relationship like this? I do the vast majority of housework, we both work but it's largely up to me to make sure the house is running.

If it was just me and the two kids it would be great. I fear that her personality will rub off on them too and that they think throwing tantrums is perfectly fine.

Neyite

Yes, it is abuse.

Have a read of this: http://www.amen.ie/

It will take some time to get your head around it, and to figure out a strategy that protects you and your children.

bp

Take note of incidents and inform the gardai. She is likely to cry wolf if she thinks you are building a case against her. Be kind to yourself and your children x

silverharp

I feel sorry for you OP, she sounds very manipulative and its going to be difficult to have a grown up conversation with someone who can turn on the water works at will just to defect from dealing with whatever her issues are. Any ideas where it came from, does she have a job that makes her miserable? any hints of this before you got married? does she seem to get on well with her work colleagues , does she have a social circle and healthy relationship with her family?
It should certainly grind your gears if she runs you down in front of the kids and you should pull her up on that by suggesting at a minimum it's bad for their development. The pulling the cabinet away from the wall sounds frankly shocking and very abnormal and would hint to me that she needs professional help. If nothing is done her behaviour will end up being directed towards your kids which would be bad.

Wanderer78

She needs professional help asap, as there maybe some mental health issues at play here, no harm in some counselling for yourself as well. Best of luck

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses. I'll follow up with Amen and see of they can offer suggestions.

My biggest fears with leaving are we have a mortgage, I can't afford to pay towards that and rent if it comes to this. I currently have nowhere to go, at a push I could stay on a friends sofa but that wouldn't be great for more than a few days. I also have little faith in the legal system regarding custody/access to the kids. If I leave her then I suspect I won't get to see my children as often as I'd like (I would prefer custody tbh)

Thanks everyone.

bucketybuck

Whatever you do and without giving specific advise I would repeat this: You are not wrong to be concerned and you should take some action, you do not have to live your life putting up with crap like that.

squonk

If it comes to leaving don't leave the house yourself. Put her out. You staying is better legally.

LirW

If it was just me and the two kids it would be great. I fear that her personality will rub off on them too and that they think throwing tantrums is perfectly fine.

That sentence stood out. Are you actively thinking about closing this chapter with your wife? It really sounds like you lost your love for her and fear for your kids to get a wrong image of what is right.
If this is the case, get legal advice immediately.
Since you're both owners of the house (I assume) you're equally entitled half of it, whatever that means for the both of you. In case of a break-up are you fearing the safety of your children or is she "just" a very mean woman?
Kids are not stupid and depending on how old they are they can tell very well if mommy is just horribly mean to dad.

Best of luck, that sounds truly horrible.

professore

LirW wrote: »

That sentence stood out. Are you actively thinking about closing this chapter with your wife? It really sounds like you lost your love for her and fear for your kids to get a wrong image of what is right.
If this is the case, get legal advice immediately.
Since you're both owners of the house (I assume) you're equally entitled half of it, whatever that means for the both of you. In case of a break-up are you fearing the safety of your children or is she "just" a very mean woman?
Kids are not stupid and depending on how old they are they can tell very well if mommy is just horribly mean to dad.

Best of luck, that sounds truly horrible.

I don't think it matters who owns the house, as they are married they have to split it 50/50? Or am I wrong?

Riskymove

professore wrote: »

I don't think it matters who owns the house, as they are married they have to split it 50/50? Or am I wrong?

where there are dependent children the reality is usually that the family home go to the parent with main custody.

A Judge is unlikely to force a sale of principal dwelling and leave the kids seeking alternative

Ruby31

If this behaviour is relatively new and you say you have a baby, it could possibly be post natal depression.

It sounds like she is being very difficult at the moment and suggesting she visit her GP might not get a great reception, but in my opinion, this is the first step to take.