Dealing with a negative friend

LegacyUser

I have a friend who seems to be constantly complaining. There are lots of lovely parts to her personality and she's a great friend so cutting her out isn't an option, but I'm starting to get drained and annoyed. Everything seems to be so negative.

I was thinking of saying it to her, but is that totally out of line? What way could I say it so that she doesn't get too upset/offended? She's a sensitive person so want to be careful how I phrase it if I do decide to say something.

Any advice welcome!

Big Bag of Chips

I think the only way to bring it up is to counter everything negative she says with a positive. You can even joke/make fun of what she's giving out about and try to turn it around. It's hard to stay negative around a good humoured, laughing person.

It is draining, and "training" her to be less negative around you might take a bit of time. But if you cut her off every time she says something negative, she'll soon realise she's getting nowhere.

team_actimel

Cutting her out might not be what you want but spending a bit less time with her is probably what you need especially since it's draining you.

I agree with Big Bag of Chips's above post by counteracting her negativity.

Negative people feed off other negative people, misery loves company. Hopefully your positivity will rub off on her!

Maybe suggest going to mindfulness classes together or something? I go to a session of 6 classes once a year and it definitely has turned me into a more positive person and I don't complain much anymore.

pilly

I work with someone who's like that and I've just learned to not respond when she's moaning. She soon stops. Still moans to others but knows I won't entertain it.

Not as easy with a friend as a work colleague I know but just try not responding to the moaning. People do tend to cop on unless they have no self awareness.

zoobizoo

I used to be guilty of this in the past.

I never realised how much I complained/moaned about things.

At the time I thought I was just making observations but until it was pointed out to me, I had never picked up on it.


I think part of it stemmed from feeling that I couldn't change things, or that I didn't have the capacity to do so.

So instead of thinking "I can improve on this / I should run for the town council / I will tell the boss that this is unfair / I will ask for a raise because I feel it is justified", I would just complain about the status quo.

Or because I didn't realise how it sounded to others (and the more negative things you say, the more it comes across you are a negative person), I continued to say those things.


When I hear someone being negative, I try to see what's at play. Some people will just be negative and there's no changing them. But I believe there are people who just do not realise how negative they come across and if you're a friend, you can say it to them.


Maybe ask "why do you feel that?", "Why do you think that?" and it's alright to say "Jane, you are coming across a bit negative when you talk about X... is ther

LegacyUser

For me it would depend on what constitutes negativity and also how often you would interact? If it's mostly online I'd be hiding moaning from my feed and if in person I'd be limiting my time. Is she down/depressed or moaning or just slighted you of late? Are you as positive in your interactions as you think, misery usually loves company and often the thing that annoys us in others is actually something we don't like about ourselves.

Exclamation Marc

I find that simply blanking your responses is the best action when you've no option but to hear it. Just not giving any language that invites a follow-up. Just be as neutral as you can.

I used to counter negatives with positives in people but it got exhausting and I ended up feeling down and frustrated.

I certainly wouldn't say anything directly to your friend but maybe force positives into your questions like "tell me something good about your day" rather than "how was your day". Little things like that might help.

sporina

negative in what way? about herself or you or life in general?

sashafierce

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Malari

Exclamation Marc wrote: »

I used to counter negatives with positives in people but it got exhausting and I ended up feeling down and frustrated.

Sometimes the reverse can be true when you say ANYTHING negative and a person tries to constantly put a positive spin on it.

sashafierce wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

This is very true. I'm not that negative and I rarely complain about work or anything to friends, but I have one friend who always takes the devil's advocate position and it's just as exhausting!

I describe a half humorous but frustrating encounter at work and she says that person could have been having a bad day.

I complain that another friend was half an hour late AGAIN and she gives excuses about what could have happened to make her late.

I give out about any family member or in-law over something quite mild but irritating, and she's explaining away their behaviour as harmless.

It's just her personality, and perhaps she sees me as negative because she rarely complains at all, even though these conversations probably take up about 5% of any time we spend together.

OP, perhaps your friend doesn't realise you are categorising your conversations into positive or negative. Often complaints are not really negative, they are just factual and part of what makes up situations in life.

pilly

Malari wrote: »

Sometimes the reverse can be true when you say ANYTHING negative and a person tries to constantly put a positive spin on it.



This is very true. I'm not that negative and I rarely complain about work or anything to friends, but I have one friend who always takes the devil's advocate position and it's just as exhausting!

I describe a half humorous but frustrating encounter at work and she says that person could have been having a bad day.

I complain that another friend was half an hour late AGAIN and she gives excuses about what could have happened to make her late.

I give out about any family member or in-law over something quite mild but irritating, and she's explaining away their behaviour as harmless.

It's just her personality, and perhaps she sees me as negative because she rarely complains at all, even though these conversations probably take up about 5% of any time we spend together.

OP, perhaps your friend doesn't realise you are categorising your conversations into positive or negative. Often complaints are not really negative, they are just factual and part of what makes up situations in life.

Very good points, there's certain people who also don't want to know if you're having a bad day. They just don't want to hear others problems.

That can be frustrating.

Sometimes we all just want to vent.