Advice to child of an Alcoholic..

PLL

Hello.

I hope I'm posting in the right place. I'm looking for advice or a place I could go to for advice on how I can help my father. (I'm 28, he is 53)

He has accepted he has an issue within the last year. Going to AA, but relapsing every three months on dangerous binges as he has health problems.

Any advice at all would be much appreciated. Thank you.

Amazingfun

Hi PLL,

It's not easy to love an alcoholic, especially one that can not stay sober. I share this status of having people I love suffer from alcoholism, and I applaud your reaching out for help, it shows how much you care.

There is great variation in AA meetings in my experience, and I have a lot of it at this stage!
I don't know which kind your father is attending, but will give you my take on them:

Some are very focused on the recovery program/solution, others are solely "sharing" focused, where anything and everything can and is discussed. Why this matters is that the very thing that started AA as we know it today , the process of the steps, can be missed out on and the bad idea that talking about problems takes precedence over the solution. These types of meetings are ineffective long term for chronically-relapsing alcoholics in particular I've found, myself included.

So, I would suggest that you read the Big Book yourself, or if you prefer to listen to speakers, maybe check out the various Big Book studies online. The reason for this is that you can be informed as to how AA defines the problem of Alcoholism - (as a physical allergy to the substance alcohol, and the devastating mental obsession with it, resulting in the "annihilation of everything worthwhile in life"), and then learn about the solution AA offers. You are also welcome to attend any "Open" AA meetings:
http://www.alcoholicsanonymous.ie/Information-on-AA/Find-a-Meeting

It's a heartbreaking illness. I am so grateful to be sober many years now, and as a benefit I can have compassion for family members who are still suffering from it.

Here is where you can read the Big Book:

http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/read-the-big-book-and-twelve-steps-and-twelve-traditions

I would suggest you take a look in particular at the passage entitled "To Wives", which despite the name is a good read for everyone connected to an alkie, wife or not. It is the foundation for the formation of Al-Anon, a fellowship for the family and friends of alcoholics, and one you might consider making contact with:

To Wives: http://anonpress.org/bb/Page_104.htm

Al-Anon : http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/


Best of luck on your journey :-)

Big Book talk :

sootie

Sorry to hear this. everyone is here for you firstly and its a horrible place you find yourself, but you have done good by reaching out in the first place. I feel you know all the answers in your heart about this issue you have but they are so hard to accept that we keep looking. I don't think you CAN help your father. This is his journey and its good he has accepted it but he must now work. you cannot do it for him. from bitter experience, having an alcoholic father is deeply troubling. they are there to protect you ... you look up to them etc etc. to see them weak is unsettling. He is however just another person and a human. it sounds like he has made some steps towards recovery. My sister and I turned ourselves insideout to help my dad. only to be let down time and time again.
for my own experience my dad accepting he had a problem and learning that "it was a disease" was of no use to us. he wore it like a badge.an excuse. he went into full victim mode and sure what could he do ? he was afflicted with this cross and we should support him. that's all well and good until he takes no responsibility for anything he did including driving with drink etc.
No one can tell you what to do, because the love between a father and daughter / son never goes away. my dad was self indulgent and loved the attention almost. in the end I chose the - well you are an adult, you were an adult before I was born so sort yourself out method. he didn't like being ignored. he did pull himself together a bit but he died alone, at the end of the stairs.

do I regret the road I took ? sometimes. but not completely. my mother the myrter to the end stood by him and it nearly killed her. she is sick, bitter, twisted and broken now. I succumbed to alcohol myself in a desperate way, not as a result. I assume its in me. but what I did learn was ONLY I can help myself. I gave it up 7 months ago. I miss it. everyday is hard work. but I think whats different is I'm willing to put in the hard work. I was at guns n roses in slane and I can tell you I wanted a beer. but I didn't have one.

I'm not going to enter into back and forth about what I have said above from other posters. I'm speaking from the heart and experience. I'm not knocking other methods or people. Ive nothing to keep me sober. I don't have kids. my cat would probably eat me if I died ... but I have x amount of years on this earth and I might as well give it my best shot. its upsetting to think that a dad cant do it for their kids but I guess maybe there is something else taking him over. look after yourself. you have your own life... seek happiness and be there for support for your dad but try not to carry him.

there is an advert on the TV now about the little boy who was killed by a drunk driver. the day that happened we were phoned by the gards because we didn't know where my dad was. he was out driving and a neighbour had reported him. I thank god that it wasn't him but anytime I see it I lose all empathy again and maybe its still early days but my anger for him still burns.

when your parent is an alcoholic normal feelings include sorrow, distrust, love, hate, hope, disillusionment etc... don't get swallowed up by his drama. he is still a very young man. lots of life to live.

the usual supports for your dad obviously include AA, the family GP, a counsellor etc. I would also recommend these for yourself too.

don't get so caught up in trying to save him that you forget to live your own life like I did. ( now who is in victim mode !!)