Confused and want some unbiased advice.

LegacyUser

I met this woman through the same line of work nearly a year ago last summer. We had amazing chemistry and hit it off immediately. I was completely unaware that she was seeing someone when she met me and she only recently told me that she broke up with him because we met.

There are multiple red flags and problems going on with us. A major one is the distance as she's 3 thousand KM away from me. Although flights are cheap if you book them early, I've flown to see her and she's flown to see me etc. We also communicate daily.

She has made me aware that her father is emotionally abusive towards her and was when she was a child, this has tarred her opinion of men and relationships in general and makes it difficult for her to open up and talk about her feelings.

I'm ok with this as she has said before that she doesn't want to settle with a man that becomes emotionally abusive towards her. I have told her that I understand this and that there's no pressure on her at all. If she ever just feels like it's too much then we can go our separate ways if she feels it isn't working out or is fearful for any reason. Not that I am ever emotionally abusive towards her as I fully understand and can see the visible affect her past has had on her.

She often gets angry with me but not violent. Just a temper, this is due to a medical condition that affects her hormones and she's receiving treatment for this. Although I worry that this issue will reside when the treatment stops also as her mood can switch like a light switch which has an essence of unpredictability to it.

She was diagnosed as depressed some time ago and I offered to support her though this but she didn't continue treatment for this.

I do forget things at times as I am an absent minded man, such things she tells me. Not because I'm ignorant or arrogant I honestly just don't remember every detail of what she tells me and this causes her to flare up and go mad calling me ignorant and stupid.

We disagree about some things in life as everyone does but I worry that such things may be deal breakers.

She often tells me that she sees no future with us and that I can't provide what she wants such as a home and holidays away because I am literally a broke student who lives from hand to mouth in terms of money. I'm not in debt but I'm certainly not flush for money.

When we argue we usually don't talk for days etc but then either I or her start talking again and she tells me she misses me or vice versa. Things then go back to what they were until there's another issue or whatever.

We have been on and off since we met in the summer. As we have never officially been a couple but have not been seeing anyone else whilst we were kind of together. She often ends it with me and then things start again.

Things went strange when I had exams the last month. She started acting off with me and pushing me away whilst I was studying. Which really upset me and made me not feel like studying although I did and am awaiting results from exams.

During my exams she said she wanted to fly over and see me to which I said well I have exams but you can come no problem, would be great to see you. Then she became upset and told me that she wanted to come but we should go separate ways. I asked her multiple times if she wanted to do this and she said yeah to which I agreed and went along with this.

She then became upset a few days later as I hid pictures of us from social media as tbh I was really down about it and looking at them made me miss her terribly.

Additionally, she told me that her ex was staying with her for a weekend as a family member of his is ill and he just wanted a friend. I was ok with this as I trust her. I didn't talk to her much when he was there as I didn't want to interrupt or whatever.

She did question me about this and asked if I was jealous. I told her no. I wanted to respect her space and not be an annoyance. She was ok with this.

A week or so after this she went to a party with her friends and another ex of hers was there and she used it as an opportunity to get closure with him. Which is fair enough as everyone needs closure sometimes and it can help one move on. She told me she didn't get full closure but I said this is life and can happen, the best thing to do is focus on life and the future.

I have no problem with her seeing her exes if it offers her peace of mind but she constantly brings up my exes etc. in conversation and whatnot. In a snide manner also.

The thing here is that she wanted to move abroad to where I'm from and work. As she is newly qualified and can get work as her profession is in high demand. But she has since told me that it's too much if a risk for her if it doesn't work out etc. I agreed with her and told her I understood but there will always be a risk if she moves anywhere of things not working out and that she was under no obligation to move if she felt uncomfortable.

I can't move until I qualify in 2 or 3 years time and she often comments on this and asked if I would change my profession for her. I replied yeah if I had to. But I tried for 5 years to get in to this course and consider myself lucky so I honestly couldn't see myself doing so unless I had guaranteed work if I was to change career.

I just don't know what to do because we get on when we are together and can function as a unit. But when there's distance between us it gets difficult and we both get lonely and sad.

She often says that we should not see each other because she can't stand the emotional pain of when we meet and then depart again. I understand this and said if she wanted this then ok. But we haven't really stopped communicating so I think deep down that we both don't want to do that.

But as it stands she's ignoring me again and being blank with me as usual. This is a reoccurring theme and happens frequently. She loves the attention I give her but then pushes me away and when I comment on this and say that I feel like I'm being used as a prop for her ego she gets annoyed which I can understand but it honestly is how I feel most of the time.

I just want some unbiased advice here as I'm confused. I really don't know what to do because one part of me is completely fed up with the situation and feels like I'm being used for attention and the other doesn't.

Things could work out in the future and we could have a great future but then at the same time I question this a lot.

Partially due to her emotional instability and issues with men which I have done nothing but be understanding about and offered her an ear to listen when she wanted to talk but these issues are deeply seeded within her and I often wonder if they will ever change as she refuses to talk to me about them or seek professional help.

I often ask my friends about this situation and they tell me that I am too young to worry and should move on etc. But I really like this woman, I could see myself settling with her if things worked out but at the same time it feels like an uphill battle.

Thanks for reading.

Tigger99

Amazing chemistry has completely blinded you to how unhealthy this dynamic is. I'm glad she's so far away, it'll be easier as you won't bump into her when you end it, which I strongly suggest you do.

Then I'd spend some of that money you were going to spend on airfare on counselling, to discover why you put up with such ****ty headwrecking dramatics.

LegacyUser

That sounds frankly exhausting. Whatever you do OP, pick what would be healthiest for you and your mental health in the long run. By what you described, your relationship sounds anything but.

Great chemistry isn't the same as a great partnership.

daRobot

Walk away right now. You're too close to this to see how unhealthy and crazy the dynamic is.

There are literally millions of people you can fall in love with. This is not the one for you.

Afroshack

Frankly this sounds totally and utterly exhausting and detrimental to your mental health and overall happiness.

Great chemistry doesn't necessarily equate to a great partnership.

Panthro

Oh dear god man run.
Well you won't have to run if she's that far away to begin with!
In all seriousness, what are you really getting from in this relationship? Not half enough for what you're putting into it. She sounds like way too much for you to be taking on.
Do your own mental and emotional well-being the world of good and go your seperate ways.
Ten years from now you'll be thankful you did!

FineAle

Time to move on..

ncmc

Oh my god OP, you really can't see the woods for the trees here. She sounds like a total head melter. The first year of a relationship should be the time of sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, not temper tantrums, lies, emotional blackmail and ultimatums! Even with it being a LDR, things shouldn't be THIS hard.

She sounds like a nutcase to be honest, ok she has had a tough time with her dad in the past, but that is no excuse for the way she has been treating you. Her behaviour during the run up to your exams show her to be manipulative and cruel. It sounds like she was trying to saboutage you so you would fail and move over to her. I can only imagine the whole bag of crazy that would be unleashed if you actually moved in with her!

Likewise her behaviour with her Ex sounds weird, I wouldn't be one bit surprised if she was sleeping with him. Given that she was with someone when you met and never mentioned it, she does have form in this area.

From the fact that you're still in college, I'm guessing you're early 20's? Please dump this looper and go and meet someone who deserves you. Trust me, despite the impression you might get from reading this forum sometimes, most relationships are actually quite straight forward and don't leave you feeling like sh!t 50% of the time!

gline

Parrillass wrote: »

Things could work out in the future and we could have a great future but then at the same time I question this a lot.

If you do believe this, then break it off now until after you are qualified. However its likely that once you stop contact with her you will see how toxic this is for you and find someone better and not miss her eventually.

Also..

Parrillass wrote: »

I often ask my friends about this situation and they tell me that I am too young to worry and should move on etc

Listen to them . They can probably see the negative effect this "relationship" is having on you.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, this sounds a little familiar. Is she Asian?

She's not your girlfriend. You barely know each other, and what you do know causes stresses and tension for both of you. Imagine if you did end up living together? Imagine the daily conflict. The daily temper tantrums. I'd be very very very surprised if you are the only lad she's seeing. These exes sound a bit off. If she's in a committed relationship with you, surely that's all the closure she needs on a previous relationship? And if I read it right, the "closure" ex was the ex before the more recent one before you. So 3 boyfriends ago? Bullsh*t!

What stood out to me most from your post was all the off the wall things she does and you keep saying "Which I'm ok with".

Why are you ok with those things? They are not good. They are not things that you should be ok with if you're supposed to be in a mutually respectful relationship. She has told you she sees no future with you. Why are you still hanging around? She's 3000km away. Can you not find a girl closer to home with less drama?

zoobizoo

The cons:

Unpredictable
Violent
Gets Angry
Depressed
Calls you names
Gets upset easily
Sees no future with you
Lives 3000 km away
Wants you to pay for holidays
Wants to see if you're jealous
Ignores You
Silent Treatment
Uses you for attention
Uses you for an ego boost
Emotionally unstable
Has issues with men
Refuses to talk about issues
Refuses to get help

The Pros

But I really like her.....



What exactly do you like about her because from your post, there are no redeeming features other than some chemistry which is always a short term thing, especially in these circumstances.

You will never be happy with someone like this. There is no happiness. There are scraps that she allows you to have. Your happiness will always be dependent on her happiness and that from reading the above, is a rarity.


Your friends are being nice to you. They don't want to tell it to you straight because people rarely that for fear of offending or they are too young to know any better....

What age are you?
How many meaningful relationships have you had before now?

If you were to write a list of characteristics that you'd like your dream partner to be, how would it compare to the list above?


I think that when we're inexperienced and younger, we fall for the types with the dramas and the sob stories because someone is paying us attention and we're having "deep conversations" and we try to be all mature by saying "I respect your relationship with your ex". We want to fix this person. Later on we realise that relationships are about love, mutual respect and healthy communications among other things.

Get out of this situation now for your own sake and your own mental health.

leggo

If someone frontloads you with excuses for their behaviour, as this one has done, they're subconsciously warning you. Don't listen and this happens. This girl is no good OP, why are you putting yourself through this?

kylith

Sounds to me like in an effort not to be emotionally abused she herself has become emotionally abusive.

I really don't see what good you're getting from this relationship, OP

Emme

This sounds like a headwreck. Run.

FitzElla

OP - I really struggle to understand what you are getting out of this. You are basing your life around this person 3000 km away and you have in your own words "never officially been a couple". You see all these red flags already and yet you never have had a real relationship with this person. You need to take about 100 steps back and see this for how crazy it is and the damage it is doing to you.

You need to get out of this situation and cut contact with this person. If you are lonely and sad you need to work on that here and now, not through an unhealthy reliance on some version of the future you have created in your head with this person. You deserve so much better than this.

LegacyUser

I walked in to this with naivety as this is my second serious go at anything bar silly teenage "relationships".

Upon self reflection it is most evident that due to my personality type, this is a major reason why I was attracted to her.

I can now honestly say that I have told her that things won't work out and wished her well in the most civilised manner. This was not as difficult as I imagined.

All of your replies helped put things in to perspective as it's good to have an outsiders opinion that is not that of a friend or family member.

I do feel quite silly at the fact that I put up with such antics. I feel like a fool.

I will focus on self development, studies and just being happy than searching for companionship. It's entirely possible that I may meet the right woman at any time in my life, however now may not be the time.

Thank you all again for your help, it cleared my mind and made the self doubts in my head come to light. As a lot of what previous posters said are thoughts I often had and was nearly questioning my own sanity at times and I'd like to think that I'm a sane enough man.

In hindsight my logical thinking was blinded by lust and emotion which in turn caused me to ignore unacceptable behaviour. I did ask myself if I would accept the same behaviour from a friend and I answered no to myself.

I will avoid such undesirable personality traits in future relationships.

Thank you all for your constructive input and rational. I honestly do appreciate it and this forum was a great resource.

Take care.

leggo

To expand a bit on earlier:

I know a guy who 'got with' a girl who lived in the States after they slept together while she was holidaying here. Every week a different drama or sob story, she'd had the worst life etc, constant on and off to the point we were rolling our eyes so much here (where he was missing chances with genuine girls holding out hope for this one) he stopped telling us stuff so god knows what else went on.

Eventually he bit the bullet and went over to see her as a surprise. She opened the door shocked to see him, kids (that he didn't know about) running around in the background, told him her husband would be back from work in a few hours. For her it was a bit of sport/fantasy. She was a bored housewife looking for some stimulation and told him whatever he wanted to hear to get it. Poor bloke was devastated, not to mention broke after the loan he took out to finance the trip. Spent the entire time there alone aside from meeting her and her kids for coffee once.

That's the kinda stuff you walk into when you're taking people like this seriously.