How to get out of bad marriage?

smellyandy · 27-05-2017 1:10pm #1

Hi. I rent a house with my husband who I've been with for 30+ years. Our marriage has been very sour and toxic for the past few years and he is a horrible father to our two children. He is an aggressive alcoholic, and is often verbally abusive and controlling, and has been violent physically before. We have never owned a house and we are currently renting. I have not been employed for most of my children's childhoods but I have recently gotten a job, which I am due to start in a matter of days. My children have been asking me to leave for a few years now due to conditions with my husband and though I have lightly considered, recent events have made me certain that I need to leave and take them with me. My children are now 20 and 18, as of just recently. My 20 year old works but not full time due to full time college, and my 18 year old is in 6th year. I sadly won't earn enough to fully support a house of just the 3 of us in my new job as I would monthly come out with exactly enough for average monthly rent in my area, with no room for food/bills etc. I have no family in Ireland anymore either. My husband is not the type of person to make this easy for anyone by just moving out, so we are not sure what to do.

Does anyone know of any way we could leave and somehow warrant some kind of support in a new home?

Ghsazh · 28-05-2017 5:15pm

I don't know what to say, just mind your self good diet and good sleep. Be strong!

road_high · 28-05-2017 5:20pm

Not sure where to start but surely having a chat with Women's Aid would be a good start? Great you have made the brace decision to leave but be aware they're at their most dangerous when you are leaving.

Mongfinder General · 28-05-2017 5:28pm

What are you waiting for? Get a rental deposit saved for a house/apartment. Say nothing to your kids about it. Slowly build a plan and then in the dead of night leave that animal bastard. Go to the courts and get a barring order as soon as you move. Also, any assets you have get them offside now. Take out a loan or two so that it looks like your in debt and it makes it harder to pursue you for anything financial.

Avatar MIA · 28-05-2017 5:30pm

There are a number of women's charities that may be able to advise/help.

The 18 yo will be doing his LC soon. Would it be more disruptive to leave or stay for the next month or so.

Well done on getting a job, it must have been difficult after working in the home so long.

Good luck.

Tell me how · 28-05-2017 5:33pm

Mongfinder General wrote:

What are you waiting for? Get a rental deposit saved for a house/apartment. Say nothing to your kids about it. Slowly build a plan and then in the dead of night leave that animal bastard. Go to the courts and get a barring order as soon as you move. Also, any assets you have get them offside now. Take out a loan or two so that it looks like your in debt and it makes it harder to pursue you for anything financial.

I'm no expert but I don't think this is good advice.

I'd say talk to Women's aid.

nuckeythompson · 28-05-2017 5:39pm

Mongfinder General wrote:

What are you waiting for? Get a rental deposit saved for a house/apartment. Say nothing to your kids about it. Slowly build a plan and then in the dead of night leave that animal bastard. Go to the courts and get a barring order as soon as you move. Also, any assets you have get them offside now. Take out a loan or two so that it looks like your in debt and it makes it harder to pursue you for anything financial.

Terrible advice

Snugglebunnies · 28-05-2017 5:58pm

Definitely talk to women's aid. You could be entitled to family income supplement too, ring the social welfare office or citizens info. And find out about your entitlements.

Mongfinder General · 28-05-2017 9:47pm

Tell me how wrote: »

I'm no expert but I don't think this is good advice.

I'd say talk to Women's aid.

You said it. You're no expert.

musefan123 · 30-05-2017 6:04am

Mongfinder General wrote: »

You said it. You're no expert.

No, he's right. It's terrible advice.

Avatar MIA · 30-05-2017 10:04am

musefan123 wrote: »

No, he's right. It's terrible advice.

Lets not lose focus.

OP, has your question been answered?

Mongfinder General · 31-05-2017 8:09pm

musefan123 wrote: »

No, he's right. It's terrible advice.

Why is it terrible advice?

Professor Moriarty · 31-05-2017 8:16pm

road_high wrote: »

Not sure where to start but surely having a chat with Women's Aid would be a good start? Great you have made the brace decision to leave but be aware they're at their most dangerous when you are leaving.

This is true. Plan your leaving very carefully and get as much advice as possible from as many people as you can. Gardaí if you fear violence, Citizens Advice Bureau, Free Legal Aid (FLAC), Women's Aid. Get support from friends you can trust.

148multi · 31-05-2017 8:21pm

Contact Al-anon on 01 8783624, they will know what you need to do. Best of luck with your new start.

musefan123 · 01-06-2017 5:05pm

Mongfinder General wrote: »

Why is it terrible advice?

First of all, removing assets offsite is asking for trouble. More than likely they are marital assets, which are jointly owned, and taking them without consent is a really bad start for any seperation process.

Secondly, telling her to take out a loan so she will have a debt? That's cheating the system. If amd when it goes to court, a judge will look at the finacial situation of both parties and will give the fairest possible outcome. We only have one side of the story, but assuming the OP is being truthful (and I've no reason to believe otherwise) the judge will make sure that herself and the 2 kids will be safe, and will be provided for as well as can be. If she takes out a loan out of spite, both parties will probably be responsible for it. And if it was ever proved why she did it then she could find herself in even more trouble.

Aoibhin84 · 02-06-2017 2:51pm

What about the spouses out there that go through the four year wait then when it is time to lodge the papers one of them claim stress and anxiety and say it is too soon to move on ?! It's so unfair the control that can be exercised upon one spouse when they just want to move on

musefan123 · 02-06-2017 2:54pm

Aoibhin84 wrote: »

What about the spouses out there that go through the four year wait then when it is time to lodge the papers one of them claim stress and anxiety and say it is too soon to move on ?! It's so unfair the control that can be exercised upon one spouse when they just want to move on

Was that aimed at me?

Aoibhin84 · 02-06-2017 2:58pm

no not at all!

Aoibhin84 · 02-06-2017 3:01pm

Just exhausted from wondering why would an ex want MORE time after four years of waiting for both of us?! There is nothing to fight over and surely they want freedom too. I am concerned they will fight this to the bitter end and I hope a judge will be logical

Mick Costello · 02-06-2017 3:14pm

I would try your social welfare office and contact your local family centre, see what advice they can offer you, best of luck

Mongfinder General · 03-06-2017 7:28am

musefan123 wrote: »

First of all, removing assets offsite is asking for trouble. More than likely they are marital assets, which are jointly owned, and taking them without consent is a really bad start for any seperation process.

Secondly, telling her to take out a loan so she will have a debt? That's cheating the system. If amd when it goes to court, a judge will look at the finacial situation of both parties and will give the fairest possible outcome. We only have one side of the story, but assuming the OP is being truthful (and I've no reason to believe otherwise) the judge will make sure that herself and the 2 kids will be safe, and will be provided for as well as can be. If she takes out a loan out of spite, both parties will probably be responsible for it. And if it was ever proved why she did it then she could find herself in even more trouble.[/quote

I admire your integrity but unfortunately you'll find yourself on the losing side of most transactions in life if the above approach is anything to go by.

You say the judge will make sure that herself and the kids will be safe and will be provided for? How will the Judge ensure this? Is the Judge going to position a Garda in her driveway 24/7. As for providing for the kids my initial inkling is that this family may have struggled financially in that they never owned a home so even if the Judge does garnish the Father's income he won't be contributing a lot. If the Father had any intelligence he'll go sick from work (if working) a few weeks before the court date and claim that he is suffering from stress and his mental health is being affected.

The loan is completely justified in that the OP needs to find a place to live for her and the kids. She can tell the judge that she has been subjected to years of emotional and psychological abuse and had to borrow money to ensure a stable home environment for her kids. A 10 grand loan is not excessive in the current climate. However, I would move immediately after the OP gets the loan otherwise it would indicate to the Judge that the OP was not that desperate to move.
As for cheating the system, give me a break. It's set up to suit whoever had the biggest sob story. The truth is an inconvenience to all parties concerned.

How to get out of bad marriage?

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