Was I just a joke?

LegacyUser

So I fell for a guy basically. We had become very close in the last 6 months. Our mutual friends slagged us a lot & he loved the slagging. He even told them he was going to 'give' in to them & be with me but he had had a few drinks. He made excuses to bump into me & would turn up in places he knew I would be. Great eye contact & lately a lot of flirting. He helped me out a lot too. Of course I started to think that he really liked me too. He made sure to bump into me several times a week & often appears at my door.

What he did not do was ask me out. He has not been with anyone in a long time & is a very sensitive person. I noticed that when we are in a group situation with these mutual friends that he would act indifferent to me, even moving away from me. When alone with me he would invade my space but not make a move.

I was starting to wonder if he was playing with my emotions or maybe enjoying the attention. At this point our mutual friends approached me & said that they are not impressed with him because they noticed him being different with me when we are in a group. He has even made jokes to them about me liking him so he knows my feelings. We are not teenagers btw but are well mature adults. I have decided to keep a very low profile as I feel very hurt but I know it won't be long before he comes looking for me.

Am I just an ego boost or a joke to him? I honestly thought he really liked me. Why would he lead me on or play with my emotions when he knows how I feel.

December2012

How does he know how you feel? Through a friend? If you're not teenagers you shouldn't be communicating through a third party.

You're adults, can't you talk to each other?

Why don't you ask him out?

Or just accept that he does not like you enough to ask you out.

squonk

Sounds like there's games being played here. Why dont you ask him out? He might be afraid of crossing the line and damaging a good friendship or maybe he's afraid that he won't be all in, or is just nervous of pulling the trigger and blowing it once you start something. I think one of you needs to make a move and just get on with it before the moment passes. Being a guy, it bugs me that we have to do all the asking out and primary moves. I'd be delighted to be asked out by a lady. If your friend is sensitive as you say then he may be afraid of rejection and approaching you afterwards. Really, there could be any kind of thing going through his mind. That's why you need to make a move yourself, ask him out and make him feel a bit more at ease.

LegacyUser

I have been in this situation before. I survived 11 years of this carry on. I eventually decided that I was only wasting my life holding out hope that we would end up together. He is playing a game, he loves the attention and will always keep you at arms length as a potential partner. Almost like leading you down the garden path but to a locked front door!

I am now happily in a relationship the last three years and looking back I could see the hold that he had on me...that 1% hope that we would end up together....no one could tell me otherwise!

We are still friends but dont talk as much now. He is still single!

My advice tell him how you feel....ask him would he like to give ye a go and if the answer is no PLEASE move past it!

Big Bag of Chips

Do you make excuses to bump into him? Do you turn up at his door? Do you try to sit beside him etc? Does he know you are definitely interested in him?

You say you're not teenagers, yet you are both acting like it. You are going through the whole "my friend says he likes you". Talk to him. Ask him out. Make a move, whatever. But you're giving out that he's keeping his distance, yet you're not exactly all over him either. Also, in company he is more likely to not be as touchy feely/in your space than he is when you are alone together. If all your friends are slagging him about you two (and you say you're not teenagers?!) then why would he be fuelling their gossip in their company.

Just talk to the man and find out what you both want. At least then you'll know.

LegacyUser

Op here

Trust me he knows I like him. That I know for sure. My gut tells me he likes me but I guess I could be getting played & he appears to enjoy the attention. I am afraid things will be awkward if he turns me down. Plus surely if he felt the same he would have done something about it. It will be difficult for us to avoid each other. The other part of me wonders why he would be going out of his way if he did not feel something. My head is wrecked.

Asking someone out when you are the woman is not as easy as it seems.

Big Bag of Chips

Why do you assume it's easier just because he's a man?!

squonk

Opbac wrote: »

Op here

Trust me he knows I like him. That I know for sure. My gut tells me he likes me but I guess I could be getting played & he appears to enjoy the attention. I am afraid things will be awkward if he turns me down. Plus surely if he felt the same he would have done something about it. It will be difficult for us to avoid each other. The other part of me wonders why he would be going out of his way if he did not feel something. My head is wrecked.

Asking someone out when you are the woman is not as easy as it seems.

Ah come on! You honestly sound like you love this drama more than actually having something with this man. He may well be in the same boat thinking the same things as you but if you don't broach the subject and have a conversation like two adults then what's the point?

I Don't see why you seem to think asking someone out as a woman isn't easy? It's not the age of Jane Austen here. It starts with "I'd love to hang out. Fancy a drink?" Or something similar. A drink isn't exactly "I want your babies. Take me to bed or lose me forever!". You just have to spend quality time and see what develops, if anything.

Woman Up! Take control of this. Make a move, give it it a go. It'll be awkward for a while if there's rejection but you'll at least know. You want the spoils but aren't prepared to do any of the leg work to get there. Change that!

Hannibal_Smith

There are some people out there OP who love the ego boost. They enjoy the flirt and the closeness, but that's all they're after because it makes them feel good. You're right not to ask him out. The signals are way too mixed. I wouldn't ask anyone out if they ignored me in public but flirting in private.

If he is a private person maybe he's too insecure to make the move. But he's an adult just as much as you are and right now the mixed signals you're getting are too varied. Just back away from it.

leggo

Opbac wrote: »

Op here

Trust me he knows I like him. That I know for sure. My gut tells me he likes me but I guess I could be getting played & he appears to enjoy the attention. I am afraid things will be awkward if he turns me down. Plus surely if he felt the same he would have done something about it. It will be difficult for us to avoid each other. The other part of me wonders why he would be going out of his way if he did not feel something. My head is wrecked.

Asking someone out when you are the woman is not as easy as it seems.

Asking someone out when you are the man is the exact same.

When you're alone, maybe with a few drinks (but not too many) on board for Dutch courage/plausible deniability, turn around and say "Do you like me or not?" That's one solution. Go from there with whatever he says. If it's a yes, happy days. If it's not a firm yes, leave it and get some peace in your head, you'll still feel better knowing. Your friends are also adults so, if he tries joking or anything behind your back, they'll see it as him being a dick and respect you for putting yourself out there. Nobody judges someone for doing that, everyone can relate and knows it's difficult so they only respect someone who does, even if it doesn't go their way (unless they're stalker-ish, which is far from an issue with you).

LegacyUser

I think a man asking a woman when he knows she will say yes is much easier. It is not like he is afraid of rejection. He may be terrified of a relationship though or may be not sure about me.

Because I am not sure of what he will say is why I have not mentioned it.

To the person who mentioned I love the drama- No I don't love the drama at all. This is actually horrible for me as I will probably lose his friendship now too & we won't be able to avoid each other.

I have noticed before just as we get really close, that he goes quiet for a week or so. Our mutual friends did mention they were not impressed with him.

I have to back off completely now for my own sanity. No more long chats etc although I will always be polite. He knows the various places I go to during the week I will avoid them too. He is quiet now staying away but it won't be long before he appears back & then I might call him on his carry on. It is almost like he wants me close but not too close & that is playing with my feelings.

redfox123

Agree with the posters saying do not make a move/ask him out. Seriously why would you do that he's treating you so wrong! All the mixed signals, ignoring you in company, saying he would 'give in' and be with you because of slagging from your friends??! Was this in front of you? That is so arrogant I can't even get my head around it. All your friends dislike the way he's treating you. He is cocksure you like him, that's a given, and obviously someone arrogant absolutely cannot resist being around someone who thinks the sun shines out of his.. Anyway sorry if this is blunt but yea I've been in exact same situation in the past, was completely played, flirted with constantly (but not while in a group), led on and then he acted so 'torn' and backed away when it came to actually doing anything about it. Turned out he had a girlfriend and obviously didn't get enough attention from her. So many single people out there like this too.

Why would you be afraid of losing his friendship? It's not a friendship if you've fallen for him. You need to back away, he has had infinite chances to ask you out and hasn't. And I do think generally it should be the man to ask the woman sorry, I have never seen the opposite situation ever work out. I sure they have but it would be the exception.

squonk

I'm really wondering what is up with some women on here telling the OP to do everything but ask the guy out. Personally speaking as a guy, if I'm the one who has to put in all the work and do all the asking out, then it's a big no no from me. It comes across as either needy or completely full of themself on the part of the woman. You ladies are capable of doing almost everything else in life well, why stop at asking a guy out?

I still say OP ask him out. He'll have to put up or shut up. You'll know either way.

leggo

Opbac wrote: »

I think a man asking a woman when he knows she will say yes is much easier. It is not like he is afraid of rejection.

Yeah see you're still assuming a lot there. You've told him out straight "I like you and want more"? If you haven't then there's doubt there and you're assuming he knows he likes you. Jokes are meaningless. I've had female friends I've liked where jokes like this would get made where, in truth, I'm completely clueless as to how they feel.

If you've said it, directly, in words and not 'pretty much' said it or nodded in agreement when someone else said it 6 months ago where it was feasibly possible he'd see you...or anything like that...then you're not sure he knows.

Hannibal_Smith

squonk wrote: »

I'm really wondering what is up with some women on here telling the OP to do everything but ask the guy out. Personally speaking as a guy, if I'm the one who has to put in all the work and do all the asking out, then it's a big no no from me. It comes across as either needy or completely full of themself on the part of the woman. You ladies are capable of doing almost everything else in life well, why stop at asking a guy out?

I still say OP ask him out. He'll have to put up or shut up. You'll know either way.

I'm not saying don't ask him out because of his gender. I'm saying don't ask him out because of how he's acting.

gline

redfox123 wrote: »

And I do think generally it should be the man to ask the woman sorry, I have never seen the opposite situation ever work out. I sure they have but it would be the exception.

Wow...Why do you think it should be the man to ask a woman out? Its the 21st century we are in now. Do you think men have some power that women dont? Do you think men are emotionally stronger than women or something? Or is it a pride thing??

At the end of the day it is hard for anyone to ask a person out, you are putting yourself out there for rejection, male or female and both sexes are equipped to deal with rejection equally.

Also why wouldnt it "work out" if a woman asks the man? Most men I know would be happy to be asked out by a woman and wouldnt see that as weird at all and would go out with the person if they liked them.

redfox123

gline wrote: »

Wow...Why do you think it should be the man to ask a woman out? Its the 21st century we are in now. Do you think men have some power that women dont? Do you think men are emotionally stronger than women or something? Or is it a pride thing??

At the end of the day it is hard for anyone to ask a person out, you are putting yourself out there for rejection, male or female and both sexes are equipped to deal with rejection equally.

Also why wouldnt it "work out" if a woman asks the man? Most men I know would be happy to be asked out by a woman and wouldnt see that as weird at all and would go out with the person if they liked them.

As I said I'm just going on mine and everyone I've known my whole life's experience and observing relationships and dating. I'm not actually saying it should be like this, sorry if it came across like that, I shouldn't have used the word 'should'. I'm just going on reality. There seems to be a fundamental difference between men and women when it comes to relationships and sex (psychological and biological, obvious a lot of similarities too). I've never seen a woman chase a man and he 'gives in' and it worked out. Or it'll just be a fling. If she makes herself available, he know she's single and they get on great, then in general it seems it's the man who makes the first actual 'move' or asks her out. Maybe it's a deeply ingrained trait in men as the pursuer or whatever but don't want to get into that. I think they will in some way orchestrate a way to ask her out or get together with her like going for a coffee or meeting for drinks and taking it from there. After that it's a little more equal in terms of each asking each other out and dating.

Or maybe I'm wrong and there are an equal number of cases where the woman is the persuer and it worked out, but I haven't seen it.

Either way going on the way the guy in the OP is behaving I think she's wasting her time and emotions on him and he's a messer. If she wants to go ahead by all means ask him out but I would find the way he is being very unattractive and I would predict he's not that interested in a relationship.

Daisy78

I think if you are being flirtatious and making it obvious that you like him and he still isn't acting on it then I'd pull back. It's not an unreasonable expectation on your part that he would make a move after all of that. I agree with some other posters in that it comes across to me as attention seeking. The fact that he pulls away every so often would indicate to me that he doesn't want it to escalate into anything more than flirtation. But he can't have it both ways. You can't lead someone on for the good of your own ego and expect them to be okay with that. To be honest I wouldn't be interested in remaining friends with this guy, it's already too complicated.