Not sure if I like her or am I just over thinking

wylo

Edit : Holy crap, just saw the length of my post , tl;dr I dunno if I like someone or I'm just lonely or if I have silly ideas about how I should feel

In my 30s. I have recently started dating a girl I met online. We met a little more than a month ago but quite a few times now. Maybe 6 or 7.

I do think it's getting to a point that we might be getting into or are already in a relationship. We behave like a couple together. We kiss , hold hands , snuggle etc. We haven't spent the night together yet slightly for practical reasons. I'm happy to take my time.

Anyway I've good reason to think she does really like me. But I'm not sure how I feel. I mean that genuinely too.

My whole life I have been not into someone at all (where I would be not looking forward to meeting them) or have been infatuated by them where they light up my whole life in probably an unhealthy way. Both were bad in their own way.

This girl is somewhere in between. It's new territory for me.

She isn't lighting up my whole life. Yet when we're going to be meeting a part of me does look forward to it. At least there is no feeling of "I don't want to meet her".

I guess over the years I've built my confidence up and learned to enjoy love from my family and friends. This may have had an affect on this confusion.

I feel very hot and cold about how I feel and am unsure what to do or what you can even advise.

Sometimes I do genuinely feel "holy **** I'm really starting to like her". Usually this is when I'm feeling really good myself. Other times I have doubts.

I have a massive fear of regretting doing something stupid like ending it and looking back and realising I threw away something good but then I fear I will hurt her by letting it evolve.

At times I think "man she's great"

She has the looks and is a really good person. But we don't have much in common , at least in terms of hobbies and interests, and we can go for long periods without saying much to each other. Others might think that's a good thing but sometimes I just like to listen to someone rather than be the driver of the conversation. I sometimes want her to be someone she possibly isn't. Either that or she's just holding back a little.

Part of the problem could also be we're spending too much just chilling together and not doing fun stuff to distract us.

You're probably reading this thinking I am taking it all way too seriously. It's only been a few dates. There may also be other personal issues at play here.

I have spent most of life single so i fear I may have skewed ideas in my head about how I should feel too.

But any advice would be great. I felt I just had to share this somewhere.

leggo

The words you're looking for are "take it slowly." The feelings you're feeling are why we date people, the infatuation you're perhaps seeking her is great but, as you've said yourself, isn't necessarily healthy and rational all the time either. So just keep dating until you get strong feelings one way or the other. Tell her you're looking to take it slowly, nobody takes offence to that in my experience, and like things how they are so you just want to let it all play out before you think about the bigger questions. Then just submit to the process, don't overthink it and see where your feelings eventually land. You don't have to get with the girl by a certain time. If it's forever, what's the rush? And even moreso if that happens to not be the case!

peckerhead

leggo wrote: »

You don't have to get with the girl by a certain time.

This. Just let it happen. Slowly falling for someone is the best.

And if it's not meant to be, it won't. So just enjoy it for what it is in the meantime? And yes, do more fun stuff together. I don't mean don't be yourself — in fact, above all don't feign anything. But if she gets the sense (and she will) that you're lukewarm about her, she will very likely hold back herself, or end things — it's a natural response to not want to 'make a fool of yourself' or to be hurt if feelings aren't reciprocated.

wylo

Hi,

I just said I would bring up this thread again, as its been nearly 2 months now and I am still not sure where I am at.

What bugs me the most is literally not being able to find a fault with her.

She is smart, beautiful, has a sense of humour, is a good person with good principles.

A part of me is thinking I would be a complete and utter dumbass to end it.

I thought she wasnt needy at all. And in fairness I dont think she is. But we have been having alot of long phone calls which I find require alot of my mental energy , Im not one to have chatty phonecalls and when I didnt get in touch last night she seemed pissed off. I found this annoying actually but I guess the previous two nights she would have initiated the call. I have an opportunity I guess to apologise or explain myself and how I feel or just end it , Im not sure. Something has to be done now because we never texted after that and we never texted this morning for the first time.

I'll be honest, this felt a little like an opportunity, almost like "ahh thats what wrong".

The problem is youre probably reading this and thinking my mind is made up but am really scared that I am not appreciating her or the potential there.

Other than that last night, I honestly can't fault her. Yet still I just don't feel i connect with her that strongly. Im never genuinely fully lost in conversation with her. We might chat alot but I never completely forget myself and just be totally into what we're talking about. I am always the one that ends the call, even if its been a 1.5 hour conversation

Is it time for me to stop wasting our time? Or should I keep sussing it out?

woodchuck

I think you need to end it. Sure it can take some time to figure things out, but 2 months is enough time to know if there is a future worth exploring or not. If you're still having doubts now, it's time to call it a day.

The problem is that you're looking for a concrete reason to end it. It took me a long time to realise... you don't actually need one! Someone can seem perfect, but that doesn't mean they're perfect for you. Most of the time it's not something you can pinpoint or explain, it's just a gut feeling that you need to go with.

BetsyEllen

woodchuck wrote: »

I think you need to end it. Sure it can take some time to figure things out, but 2 months is enough time to know if there is a future worth exploring or not. If you're still having doubts now, it's time to call it a day.

The problem is that you're looking for a concrete reason to end it. It took me a long time to realise... you don't actually need one! Someone can seem perfect, but that doesn't mean they're perfect for you. Most of the time it's not something you can pinpoint or explain, it's just a gut feeling that you need to go with.

+1 to all of this.

If this was meant to be, you wouldn't have doubts like you are.
The right relationship will just feel right and this one doesn't.

Let her go as it's not fair on her.

Rekop dog

Maybe just explain to her that you find phone calls mentally taxing. Like I personally hate them, and always find it contrived and unnatural way if of conversing, whereas I'd have zero issue and would happily talk to anyone for hours face to face. If she's right for you she'll accept that or whatever level of day to day communication you feel comfortable with.

But you seem so busy constantly over analysing where you're at in the relationship that you're not relaxing and giving it a fair chance to develop naturally. If you haven't been on a mini break perhaps now is a good time to book a weekend away. I think you'd have a much better indication if there's a future between you after that.

woodchuck

Rekop dog wrote: »

If you haven't been on a mini break perhaps now is a good time to book a weekend away. I think you'd have a much better indication if there's a future between you after that.

This is a bad idea. It's cruel to take her on a mini-break as a test. It will just hurt all the more for her when you break it off afterwards... and you know yourself that that's where this is headed.

wylo

Thanks folks, I think you're right. I don't know if it's just the phone calls. It seems whenever there is uncertainty that it might end I seem ready to end it even if I feel bad about it.

The reality is while I have the utmost respect for her , her intellect, looks , sense of humour , i just don't know if I fancy her. Not knowing at this stage isn't enough.

All my resistance to leaving seems to be more about feeling bad for her , liking her , fearing being forever single again myself , all things that aren't really fair on her.

It kind of hit me this evening when I realised I'm ever so slightly releived every time we finish a date . Now sometimes that can be normal in the early stages anyway even if I do like them, but for me this isn't going away.

The over analysis is a new one for me. I've always just been not into them or into them.

I'll do something in the next day or two.

The only thing I would say in favour of the weekend idea is it may get a lot of discomfort out of my system and take the pressure off things like conversations needing to be had etc, but really like woodchuck said , this would effectively be a test which may make her feelings get stronger.

Colser

I could be all wrong but it sounds to me that this is way more about you than her , I think you might feel the same way regardless what the girl is actually like as a person.

Do you prefer to be on your own in general,have you other friends that you regularly see and like to be with,do you feel like you should have a girlfriend rather than actually want to have one?

I'm not judging or anything but reading between the lines it sounds to me that there's more at play here.

wylo

Colser wrote: »

I could be all wrong but it sounds to me that this is way more about you than her , I think you might feel the same way regardless what the girl is actually like as a person.

Do you prefer to be on your own in general,have you other friends that you regularly see and like to be with,do you feel like you should have a girlfriend rather than actually want to have one?

I'm not judging or anything but reading between the lines it sounds to me that there's more at play here.

While I agree a bit there might be more at play (in fact that was almost one of my motivations to write the post), I'm not sure if it is the things you are suggesting.

I do enjoy my own company but I do enjoy being with others too, I have good friends and family.

Also, yes there might be an element of thinking I should have a girlfriend, but honestly , I really do want one, I am kind of fed of being single. But more importantly than wanting a girlfriend i have always said I would rather be alone than be with someone I don't connect with. And with her I can't honestly say I have fulfilling conversations.

I would say if there any issues at play personally , it's more to do with naive expectations etc about the above, not sure tbh.

The truth is I have been with others who I've just plain and simply enjoyed their company a lot.

Anyway some news with this. It looks like it's over. I hadn't got in touch yesterday and she asked did I not want to talk to her?

I told her i was annoyed the previous night as was she and I just wanted to cool off yesterday and chill for a small bit. I also used it as an opportunity to tell her as nicely as I could that I am not big on long phone calls. And that even with my family they are never more than 2 minutes. I apologized and said I should have said it sooner.

She replied very pissed off saying she didn't realise she was annoying me and not to worry she won't bother me with calls or texts again.

Tbf it's probably a reasonable reaction if you're already suspecting something is up.

What says a lot is that I didn't wake up this morning feeling too much regret or desire to try resolve it so I guess that 100% answers the question of the thread.

Ursus Horribilis

You sound like you've been trying to talk yourself into this relationship. The way you've described her is so lukewarm, you might as well be describing a cow you've just bought in the local cattle mart. She ticks lots of boxes which probably makes it harder to see the wood from the trees.

I can understand why you don't want be to single again but this smacks of settling. I think you know it too which is why you started this thread. In my opinion, the phone call issue is your gut screaming at you that this isn't right. That you're using the word relieved says it all.

Reading your update, I think you're coming to the realisation that this isn't the right relationship for you. Having someone you connect with and enjoying being able to yap to about everything under the sun is part of the fun of being in a relationship. Or at least it is in my book.

Big Bag of Chips

I have loads of people in my life who I really like. Who I enjoy spending time with. Who I can't find fault with. But I'm not in a relationship with any of them!! There is something extra that needs to be present to turn a friendship into a relationship. There has to be something, some spark, some chemistry, call it what you will. But you are not going to romantically click with everyone! So even though there was nothing particularly wrong with her, that didn't mean you were automatically going to click with her and live happily ever after.

You can't force romantic interest. It'll be there or it won't. It may take time to grow, but these days "dating" seems to be time critical! 'Back in the day' you mightn't fancy someone initially, or mightn't see them as a potential bf/gf but hanging around together in groups, meeting regularly outside of a dating situation led to feelings developing. Nowadays it seems to go straight to dating which brings with it the expectation that it will lead to something, fairly instantaneously, and if it doesn't it moves on.

If you had met her in a social setting or group, you might have earned a new friend, but realised that you weren't clicking romantically, and there would have been no issue or expectation.

Ah, well! It didn't work, but that's not one persons fault.

wylo

Thanks all,

You're all correct and Im glad I wrote the thread as it does help get a clearer picture. Often its hard to see the things you're not admitting to yourself. But other people can spot them a mile away.

Im glad I gave it enough time not to feel like I threw something good away, but equallly didnt let it drag on and completely waste her time.

I guess its not officially over yet but last nights conversation was clear enough. If she does get in touch I will definitely just end it because its true that I am not feeling any regret about it.

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You sound like you've been trying to talk yourself into this relationship. The way you've described her is so lukewarm, you might as well be describing a cow you've just bought in the local cattle mart. She ticks lots of boxes which probably makes it harder to see the wood from the trees.

...

Having someone you connect with and enjoying being able to yap to about everything under the sun is part of the fun of being in a relationship. Or at least it is in my book.

Nail on the there ^^^ , And yea lukewarm is a perfect description. Not having a specific reason does make it harder. Thats why this situation felt new to me. Usually I can find a reason that goes along with my lack of being into them. Even if that reason wouldnt be a problem if I did like them.

I have really liked girls in the past who didnt tick any supposed "boxes"!!

Rekop dog

wylo wrote: »

I guess its not officially over yet but last nights conversation was clear enough. If she does get in touch I will definitely just end it because its true that I am not feeling any regret about it.

If your minds made up contact her today and ask to meet in person and do it. A bit selfish and thoughtless otherwise, doesn't take too long to do the right thing.

wylo

Rekop dog wrote: »

If your minds made up contact her today and ask to meet in person and do it. A bit selfish and thoughtless otherwise, doesn't take too long to do the right thing.

I'm gonna sound like a dick here but she an hours drive and asking her to meet without somewhat indicating what it's for doesn't feel like the right thing in my opinion , especially when it's fairly obvious at this stage. The two months seeing includes from our first text online so it was hardly something serious yet anyway (even if I was making out to be in my own head).

That said I will take your advice somewhat and tell her I don't want to see her anymore.

wylo

Well I promise not to drag this thread out any longer, but Im just posting another update. I felt I would incase someone else reads it and can somewhat relate to the confusion.

There was a complete twist in all this, in fact it was only hours after my last post but I wanted to wait a healthy amount of time before replying to know I was sure.

After my last post I texted her, I really didnt wanna meet to get her hopes up and waste time so admittedly I took the cowardly approach. So I texted her to tell that I do think she is an absolutely wonderful person and that I didnt want it to end ugly. But I told her I no longer wanted to keep seeing her.

She was heartbroken but completely mature and understanding. She did some ask some questions, just asking was it something she did, were the phonecalls that big a problem , etc etc. But she was mature and told me she accepts that that is how I feel.

I told her that it was absolutely nothing and that I really dont even know what I want and that I have no intention of trying to meet someone else for quite a while. I was being completely truthful there.

So truthful that she must have sensed there was more to it. She asked did I want to think about it for a while? And honestly??? I did, I was actually regretting what I was doing in that moment. I was relieved when she made that offer.

Truth is , I think Rekop dog and Colser called it. So much analyzing, some mild anxiety, self imposed pressure, not being assertive enough, etc while with her, not to mention not being absolutely in love with her (the way I was in an unhealthy way in the past) which was skewing everything.

So I changed my mind :o:o.

We arranged to meet on Monday and the crazy thing is , for the first time, I was REALLY looking forward to meet her. I brought her flowers to apologize and explained pretty much the above about my being weird. I promised her I get less weird as I go on!

We met again during the week , and now that I am relaxing more and more and sort of taking the pressure off myself a bit I am enjoying her company more and just generally fancying her.

I know this seems ridicilous but this time there really was more to it than me being just lukewarm.

Im at a place now where , yes I do like her, its growing more and more, we seem like a perfect fit. She seems to really like me for exactly who I am so I am going to leave this with a more relaxed "we'll see how it goes"!!!

Thanks for your input!! :o

brianregan09

Just started reading this and was not totally not expecting that plot twist

wylo

To be honest I was kind of emarrassed writing it! But I dont think I would have even started the thread if it was as simple as just not being into into her.

Dr Crayfish

didn't see that coming, but, I'd put my house on it you'll be back to square one in no time

bucketybuck

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

didn't see that coming, but, I'd put my house on it you'll be back to square one in no time

I think that would be one of the safest property investments you could make.

redfox123

All I read from your first post was complete fear and anxiety, fear of getting close, worrying bout the future, overthinking and analyzing. And this has nothing to do with her. I could have predicted what happened. You kind of know deep down its not her, that you've built up a fear of getting close to people and when someone good comes along you really don't want to let yourself feel anything, you don't want to be hurt. Because up until now the small detail you wrote about past relationships means they've been negative for you. Or have turned out that way. You're not infatuated (that's a good thing, very good) and you like her. And I also think it odd to have met 6 or 7 times and not gone any further. A huge part of bonding in a couple is the physical part. It causes all kind of hormones that create and strengthen connection. That's what you are missing here, connection, both emotional and physical, it's just knowing how to connect and not keeping her at arms length because of fears that is key. If you are unable to really connect then ultimately you need to do more work on yourself before you get into anything with anyone.

LegacyUser

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

didn't see that coming, but, I'd put my house on it you'll be back to square one in no time

I think is a very unfair comment to make! I feel it's normal for people to feel like the OP felt when you are starting something new that is different from your norm.

I was in the habit of having unhealthy intense relationships with men who were emotionally unavailable. When I met my current partner, he was completely different. The difference caused me to have major anxiety that what I had with him wasn't "real" as it wasnt the usual intense fireworks scenario.

I almost ended it but kept going and now two years later, I am so glad I did as I am in the healthiest relationship I've ever been in

So maybe cut the OP a bit of slack.

Tell me how

Unfair wrote: »

So maybe cut the OP a bit of slack.

To be fair, this is the thing about discussions, there are different opinions and everyone is entitled to voice theirs.

I too would be sceptical as to the possibility that the OP really only became interested when there was a risk of losing the relationship (albeit instigated by him).
I think there is a lot to be said about gut instinct and that the OP seemed to know for an extended period that his attraction was lukewarm. Thinking about it some more after she suggested it discounted the fact that he had been thinking about it a lot already (enough to tease out his thoughts online for example).

Some time ago, I woke up one morning with conviction that the relationship I was end was doomed to failure (for very similar reasons to the OP's) but I said I'd work at it, I wasn't going to give in easily. 3 months later, she finished it and broke my heart. In fairness, at least she had the sense to recognize that that was what needed to be done.

I'm not suggesting that now the OP is feeling positive about this that theirs is doomed to failure but that I hope they both are genuinely happy with what they are getting out of being together.

If it does evolve in to an on again off again type thing then it'll be a head wreck for everyone.

wylo

This is an oldish thread but I thought I would give people an update incase anyone else stumbles across.

We are still together and the doubts are 90% gone, and for the remaining 10% there is usually something else going on that has nothing to do with her.

In fairness, from the way I described things in this thread it really seemed like I just wasnt into her so its a fair call for anyone to advise to end it. But I knew there had to be more, and I think some people knew that here too. If I just wasnt into someone I dont know if Id be starting threads so full of uncertainty.

Truth is, this is the first relationship Ive been in where I wasnt infatuated/obsessed/where the person didnt make up my entire world. SHE didnt make me super happy so I confused this with me just not being into her.

But the more I eased into , the more relaxed I got and the more myself I becamethe happier I got, and the happier I was the more I got into her.

Admittedly, it does feel different to a feeling of "Im totally in love with her", but there is something very mature about the feeling I am getting now.

I cant help but think I would have ran into this situation either way with anyone whether I started out totally in love or not, if that makes sense.

Thanks for the help!

GuessWhoEh

I was with someone for over a year and a bit and we had literally nothing in common from standing on the outside, but we got on brilliantly. Although it ended base on the fact that it wasn't going anywhere. His words, not mine. Sometimes having nothing in common works out best. You can learn from each other. I learned loads while I was with him. Things I never taught I'd be interested in. The fun moments where made by learning new things and learning about each other. Also, that saying opposite attracts can work out as well. It's just down to how much time are you willing to give? You can give it your all but the other person might not feel the same. Take it slowly. Just learn and enjoy each other's company

Bambi985

Is this your first long-term relationship OP? I find the people who need to be "wowed" in a can't-stop-thinking-about-them and jumping-on-couches sort of way are often the ones that jump from short-term affairs and fwb situations without ever finding something serious and long-term. Because that's not love really, it's lust and infatuation and bloody addictive as all hell but it generally has a fast expiry date. It usually crashes and burns just as fast IME when it's the entire basis for the relationship in the first place.

This "mature" feeling you're getting is just what happens when you start getting settled with someone. They become your main human and that doesn't involve drama and angst and singing love songs under bedroom windows at 2am. It involves making plans and coming home to someone and having that person to say good morning and good night to.

I'll be honest, I was sceptical of your scenario when I read this thread a few months back, as generally I think when someone is right this level of uncertainty doesn't exist. You might be a bit "I'm not sure what will happen' but you're also happy to go with the flow because you're comfortable, you feel "at home" with them some how.

But it sounds like you just needed to get passed some sort of dating pattern that you had established where it was either "I want to marry them right now" or "not even remotely arsed." This middle ground isn't a bad place, it's probably the best place when it comes to selecting a partner you want to be with in the long term.

banoffe2

Great variety of opinions here and I admire the brutal honesty of the OP

It took great courage on both sides to give it another go instead of finishing it, in that way, regardless of the outcome, the opportunity to give it another try will be of mutual benefit to both.

Best of luck OP enjoy the moment.