When to have discussion with new partner re children

LegacyUser

I've recently starting seeing someone (we've agreed that neither of us are dating other people so I think that means we are an item). He's the first guy in a long time that I can actually see myself building a relationship with and our lifestyles are very compatible. I'm in my mid 30s and he is early 40s. I'm fairly sure that I don't want children and I suspect from a few comments he's made that he doesn't either.

My question is when to have the discussion about children/no children? If its a case that he does want children then I'd rather know now before I get any more emotionally invested (I wasted quite a few years in my last relationship because we didn't realise we were incompatible on something where a compromise wasn't possible). But on the other hand, I don't want to completely freak him out by bringing up the subject so soon.

eviltwin

Better to get it out of the way now and know where you both stand than let it fester. At this point, now you've agreed to be exclusive, its a good place to bring it up. It shouldn't freak him out, just tell him that as you are moving your relationship to a new, more serious, phase that you feel its only right he knows that you don't see children as part of your future. He then can decide what he wants to do with that information.

woodchuck

eviltwin wrote: »

Better to get it out of the way now and know where you both stand than let it fester. At this point, now you've agreed to be exclusive, its a good place to bring it up. It shouldn't freak him out, just tell him that as you are moving your relationship to a new, more serious, phase that you feel its only right he knows that you don't see children as part of your future. He then can decide what he wants to do with that information.

I agree with this in general, except for saying the part in bold!! I think that would freak him right out. You said yourself that you've only recently started seeing each other, so I wouldn't start referring to things as serious yet (even if you are both exclusive).

Personally I'd see if there's an opportunity to bring it up in casual conversation. For example if you know/see a child making their communication, you could comment that you've always liked kids, but have never wanted any yourself and then ask what his feelings on kids are.

LegacyUser

woodchuck wrote: »

I agree with this in general, except for saying the part in bold!! I think that would freak him right out. You said yourself that you've only recently started seeing each other, so I wouldn't start referring to things as serious yet (even if you are both exclusive).

Yes, it's still new and to be honest I'd like to take things slowly with him so don't want to make it into a big deal or make him think I'm trying to turn it into a serious relationship already. But at the same time I'm conscious that I'm starting to really fall for him - I'd rather bail now if not having kids is a dealbreaker for him.

He's brought up the subject of children in the conversation quite often and it's usually in the context that he likes hanging out with his nephews but has had enough of them after one day. He's talked about his dreams/his future and children never featured at all. Also, his PoF profile said "prefer not to say" on the kids question.

Addle

Reads like he's trying to start the same conversation OP.
Best get it over with.

bee06

OP, just deal with it now. I've often said that about giving my niece and nephew back after minding them. It never meant I didn't want kids. Pretty sure I said it after their last visit a few weeks ago and I was 7 weeks pregnant.

woodchuck

Yeah it sounds like he's skirting around the subject himself. If he brings it up again, just be honest and tell him that you've no interest in having kids. Doesn't have to be a big conversation... just a "by the way". If he feels the same, then no big deal. If he feels differently then that's when you need to consider your options.

leggo

I'd drop this kinda talk in in the 3rd/4th date tbh, whenever I start to feel the thing may have legs. Not in terms of how I see it with them, but just so they know my stance in general and can openly say how they feel if they like, so it's out there and we know if it's worth pursuing or not early on. Same with religious views and other stuff like that. As long as you're not saying it like "THIS IS WHAT I EXPECT OF YOU", which is how it can seem after a few months, when you get it out of the way earlier people tend to appreciate knowing where you stand without feeling like they've to sign their life away or change their own plans either. I'd say it next time you get an opportunity.

Wardling

My opinion would be to have it early enough in the relationship. After a few weeks or so, but not on the first few dates. No point building a relationship over a few months when this is a deal breaker. Unless you are both in agreement with a yes or no the relationship won't continue. Why waste your time.

njs030

Prefer not to say doesn't mean he doesn't want kids, i wouldn't take that as a sign, My ex had that on his and he was mad to have kids in his future just not right now.
Is it possible you're seeing what you want to see and someone who did want kids could see those same things and read it the other way!

Do talk to him sooner rather than later and let him know you have a firm stance on it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the responses.

I'm not sure how to quote when going anon.

We are only five weeks in but are seeing each other at least twice a week so we've obviously gotten to the point where both of us think there's something there that is worth pursuing.

It's not that I'm 100% I don't want kids. More a case that I'm not pushed and (after a few sh*t relationships) I'm more interested in finding someone that I can build a life with as opposed to just settling down cos my clock is ticking. I left someone before because I felt all he wanted was a womb to have his babies as opposed to actually wanting a relationship with me. If I met the right guy and he really really wanted a kid, I think I would consider it down the line. But I'd be more than happy if he didn't want them.

Next time he brings up the subject I'll see if I can casually let him know how I feel without making an issue of it.