Left an emotional mess

LegacyUser

Hi all

I know the answer to my dilemma but I feel that I need to try and write it down somewhere and just to hear some words of support (although my friends and family have been amazing).

I have been with my partner for 4 years and met him when I was just a few years out of a marriage that left me emotionally devastated. I have my own house, my own car and a decent job that can support me. He is separated with 3 kids.

I met him online and it all happened extremely extremely fast - within a week (yes, mortified to even write that) he had moved in, was declaring undying love, wanted to marry, have kids etc etc.

He wasnt holding down a proper full time job at the time but managed to eventually get a full time job which meant he was on decent money and was able to give me something towards the mortgage etc. He was let go from this job as the company was in financial difficulty ( i have no doubts about this, as it is a reputable company and others were let go too). I continued to maintain him financially and took his kids into my home without creating an issue every weekend. In the last few weeks he has started his own building trade and it has been going well.

The last few months he has turned quite distance - yes, I am still paying for everything but I allowed him breathing space to get up and going with the business and he has 3 kids to maintain with his ex wife.

Last week I was send a friend request on facebook and i almost died with the contents of the message she had sent me - basically he has been online dating site with a profile showing fake age, fake address, fake everything and he has been harassing this girl who is almost 21 years younger than him with the same crap he spun me (i.e. buy her a big car, big ring, get her preg etc etc, that he was loaded etc etc) and yet he had not even met her!

I kicked him out the moment i found out, changed the locks etc. Problem is I took out a loan for him 2 months ago to invest in the new business and I am unlikely to ever see it again. Its not a massive massive amount but still, I will struggle if he doesn't repay me.

I contacted him when I read this girls message and he denied it and was actually quite nasty to me on text saying he was going to the cops if I held on to his personal items (I was going to to this as bargaining power for the loan). The cops told me separately that yes, I would be taken in for theft if I didn't make the stuff available to him.

So I am not left in a position where I don't know whether I am coming or going. I am struggling with every emotion - shock, anger, hurt, loneliness and pure sadness. I cant stop crying, even though i know the advice that everyone around me is giving me is correct - GET HIM OUT OF MY MIND AND LIFE.

I am clutching at straws to try and get my life back to half normal, and I cant see any light at the end of the tunnel. I got a text last night from him saying "for what its worth, I am thinking of you, and I am so sorry for what I did, I was a d!ck".

Tokyo

It may not seem like it right now, but it sounds like you dodged a massive bullet, TBH. His behaviour is almost predictably that of an emotional abuser - denial, then turning it around on you when denial no longer works.

From everything you've written, it seems like you have taken all the right steps - removed him from your life, and contacted the police about potential legal issues over his belongings. With respect to the money he owes you, ask for it back, but the reality is, unless you have something in writing to say that you lent him money, there will be little to nothing you can legally do to force his hand if he chooses not to repay you, and you may have to suck it up as the costs associated with a lesson learned. But regardless of the money situation, your friends are right - pull up anchor and sail off into the sunset, and don't look back.

Lead

You said yourself you know what you need to do. You're not going to get that money back so you may cut your losses and now try to move on. He's only sorry he was caught and by "thinking of you" he is trying to worm his way back in. You could lose your family and friends if you take someone like this back. He's a leech.

First step you need to do is block him from everywhere. Get busy, even if it's just walks in the evenings with the girls. Keep busy. I'm so sorry this has happened to you and i hope you get through it as quick as possible. Take care of yourself x

Airyfairy12

Youre not going to get your money back. The best thing you can do for yourself is learn from this experience so you dont do something like this again, get to know someone before moving them into your house, never financially support anyone or loan more money than you can afford to lose.
Block him on social media and have the sense to stay away from him and cut him out of your life.

m'lady

Hi op, I really can't add much more advice to what you have already got. I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry what has happened to you- I felt very sad reading your post. There is nothing worse than feeling such a betrayal off someone that you loved, I've been there and it can be heartbreaking (for what it's worth, I'm ALOT happier now that I ever was with said person).

You really have taken the right steps, and like others have mentioned you would be better off forgetting about the money that he owes you, as it will only frustrate and upset you further.

My thoughts are with you and I hope in time you will see that you really and truly dodged a bullet.

GingerLily

OP, be thankful that he didn't stay an extra few months and was able to claim as a cohabiting couple (5 years in your case). He may have got a lot more then just the loan.
He sounds like a user, you've had a lucky escape.

leggo

Well done OP on being strong enough to make the right decision so quickly and firmly. For now, deal with what you need to. Get his stuff out of the house, pack it in boxes and leave it in the garden if you have to. Plan as if you're not going to get the money back, as hard as that may be. Basically get the affairs of the end of the relationship in order, then worry about the emotional part.

But remember this while you do: you're an extremely strong person. You're a good person and a supportive partner and someone deserving would be lucky to benefit from that one day. You've done nothing wrong to deserve this. You trusted someone and that's not a weakness, it shouldn't ruin all men for you in future, it just happened that this scumbag took advantage of that trust. You'll get past this and be proud of yourself for how you dealt with it when you do.

Skibunny77

Op, if you are stuck financially you can earn up to 14,000 tax free a year by renting out a room in your home. Something to consider if you are financially struggling and it is a short term arrangement you could try and abandon if you hated it! You could obviously appeal to his better nature to set up a direct debit, into your account, but he doesn't sound as though he has any decency. Be kind to yourself. I hope things work out.

LegacyUser

Hi all

OP here, and sincerely thank you to all for your replies which completely concur with my own thoughts.

I have been getting texts from him - short, not overly emotional texts - but along the lines of Hey, I am so sorry , I messed up.............. I am petrified that as my anger subsides that I let my vulnerability come through. I am finding it very hard to be strong today.

One thing I stupidly omitted is that my ex husband also cheated on me (did not leave me with any debt or anything), so the hurt of being cheated on is very very raw.

I accidentally bumped in to his brother yesterday evening, and the word from his camp is that this young girl he was bombarding online "set him up".

I would just prefer to be on my own and not have to deal with this.

Thanks once again x

Neyite

heartgutted wrote: »

Hi all

OP here, and sincerely thank you to all for your replies which completely concur with my own thoughts.

I have been getting texts from him - short, not overly emotional texts - but along the lines of Hey, I am so sorry , I messed up.............. I am petrified that as my anger subsides that I let my vulnerability come through. I am finding it very hard to be strong today.

One thing I stupidly omitted is that my ex husband also cheated on me (did not leave me with any debt or anything), so the hurt of being cheated on is very very raw.

I accidentally bumped in to his brother yesterday evening, and the word from his camp is that this young girl he was bombarding online "set him up".

I would just prefer to be on my own and not have to deal with this.

Thanks once again x

Ah. He sent his flying monkey. Of course he did.

Honey-traps require two people for it to work. He could have stopped this right in it's tracks like most of us non-cheaters do when we get chatted up by "not interested, thanks" But, he's a grown man. He's married. He said the 'forsaking all others' bit. He's an adult and it's on him this one, not her. You've likely seen enough of the messages to know how 'set up' he was.

There's a bit of a script cheaters usually follow. And blaming the other person for it is textbook. It sounds to me that when she found out he was married, she did the right thing by coming clean to you. It can be instinctual to focus your anger and hurt on the person in the equation that has not promised you love and loyalty, but remember to focus it on the person who really deserves it.

Ursus Horribilis

It's a shame you harbour the hope of getting that money back because you could do with blocking him at this stage. Maybe seeing what you could potentially lose by letting this guy back into your life might strengthen your resolve?

I also would like to draw your attention to GingerLily's very valid - and alarming - point a few posts above this one. Are you aware of the co-habitation laws in this country? Here, straight from the Citizen's Information website is the following...

Qualified cohabitants

A financially dependent cohabitant may be able to apply to the courts for redress if the relationship ends as the result of death or otherwise. In order to apply for redress you must be a qualified cohabitant, that is, you must have been:

A cohabitant for at least 5 years or
A cohabitant for 2 years if you have had a child with your partner

However, if one of you is still married, then neither of you may be a qualified cohabitant until the married person has been living apart from his/her spouse for at least 4 of the previous 5 years – in effect, until he or she is entitled to seek a divorce

and also

Redress orders

If you are a qualified cohabitant, you may apply for orders such as maintenance orders, property adjustment orders, and pension adjustment orders and related orders such as attachment of earnings orders. You may also apply for provision to be made from the estate of a deceased cohabitant. You do not have any automatic right to get such orders. The court may make such orders if it is satisfied that you were financially dependent on your cohabitant partner.

In making a decision, the courts must take into account a number of factors including

The financial circumstances, needs and obligations of each cohabitant
The rights of others (including the rights of spouses, former spouses, civil partners, former civil partners and dependent children of either partner)
The duration and nature of the relationship
The contribution made by each, financial and otherwise

Such orders may not affect the rights of spouses or former spouses. They may affect the rights of civil partners or former civil partners.

In general you must apply for such orders within 2 years of the end of the relationship but an application for provision from the estate of the deceased partner must be made within 6 months of an application for a grant of probate. In general, such orders will lapse and will no longer be available if you marry.