Deflated

Maggiemay13

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milli milli

psychological issue. I should know better, the issue is still as serious, but on hearing this I now feel even more rejected, angry and frustrated with him. It is as if, because I now know for certain that the issue isn't a physical one, that I feel he has been playing me on a little in some way. That probably sounds very harsh. The doctor is going to refer him on to a counsellor, which is great but, when is this ever going to get better? I just feel so unbelievably frustrated.

OP why do you feel more rejected because your husband has a psychological rather than a physical problem?
Psychological problems aren't made-up. Your husband has a real problem and is now beginning treatment for it. You should be happy that the problem is being resolved.

Believe me, I know what it's like to be in a sexless relationship and all the frustration and rejection that entails. So I know where you're coming from but there is a some kind of resolution taking place now.

I really hope that you are not dismissing his mental problems which can be a common reaction in Ireland and one that is very distressing for the sufferer.
Support your husband - he is doing his best to make things better.

Dr Crayfish

Sorry for your trouble OP. Is there a psychological problem though or maybe he just doesn't fancy you any more, or has lost interest in sex with you? I know with previous relationships I was in where I was unhappy, the last thing I wanted to do was have sex with my partner and would make similar excuses to your husband.
You need to get him to talk somehow, maybe try couples counselling? I don't think he's being completely honest about what's going on with him.

Maggiemay13

milli milli wrote: »

OP why do you feel more rejected because your husband has a psychological rather than a physical problem?
Psychological problems aren't made-up. Your husband has a real problem and is now beginning treatment for it. You should be happy that the problem is being resolved.

Believe me, I know what it's like to be in a sexless relationship and all the frustration and rejection that entails. So I know where you're coming from but there is a some kind of resolution taking place now.

I really hope that you are not dismissing his mental problems which can be a common reaction in Ireland and one that is very distressing for the sufferer.
Support your husband - he is doing his best to make things better.

No Millimilli I absolutely realise that psychological problems aren't made up. That goes without saying. Don't misunderstand me on that. But my frustration rises from the fact that he would sooner look online than be intimate with me. And now that we know there are no physical issues (please don't get me wrong, I'm very relieved about this also), I guess in another way it makes me feel a little more rejected? I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself very well on that. Thanks for your advice. And you're right, it is fantastic that we are on the road to a possible resolution. It's just that the road feels very long

leggo

There's a lot to be positive about here:

This isn't an issue, like so many you see on here, that arose out of just getting sick of each other. This is likely a pre-existing condition he had caused as a result of being in an LDR, and you guys have identified it relatively early. So it's not as if he isn't attracted to you or anything.

Porn addiction is an extremely common problem these days and, yes, we're learning more and more that it's affecting marriages and men's ability to perform. So there's info out there. This isn't an anomaly.

He's taking steps to remedy the issue on your behalf. He cares about this and isn't just shrugging you off.

Of course none of that help your physical and emotional frustration immediately, I understand. But marriages are a marathon not a sprint, you will have ups and downs, and sadly you're having a rough patch early on. My point is that it could be a lot, lot worse and, once you are past this (which you will be if you hold out), there is a lot of goodness I can see from your post alone. It's a part of the adaption phase, an unfortunate result of how your relationship was pre-marriage, but the fact that it's psychological more than physical means you can fix it.

In the meantime, there are other things you can do and he can do with you, that don't require him to be ready to perform.

Maggiemay13

leggo wrote: »

There's a lot to be positive about here:

This isn't an issue, like so many you see on here, that arose out of just getting sick of each other. This is likely a pre-existing condition he had caused as a result of being in an LDR, and you guys have identified it relatively early. So it's not as if he isn't attracted to you or anything.

Porn addiction is an extremely common problem these days and, yes, we're learning more and more that it's affecting marriages and men's ability to perform. So there's info out there. This isn't an anomaly.

He's taking steps to remedy the issue on your behalf. He cares about this and isn't just shrugging you off.

Of course none of that help your physical and emotional frustration immediately, I understand. But marriages are a marathon not a sprint, you will have ups and downs, and sadly you're having a rough patch early on. My point is that it could be a lot, lot worse and, once you are past this (which you will be if you hold out), there is a lot of goodness I can see from your post alone. It's a part of the adaption phase, an unfortunate result of how your relationship was pre-marriage, but the fact that it's psychological more than physical means you can fix it.

In the meantime, there are other things you can do and he can do with you, that don't require him to be ready to perform.

Leggo I cannot thank you enough for your reply. You really have tapped into the essence of our issue which I was trying (albeit badly) to explain. Your words mean a lot and make complete sense. It is such a relief to read. It's difficult when you feel you are trying to deal with and make sense of it, alone. Very very much appreciated