How to say I'm not interested after a one night stand?

LegacyUser

Hi all. Looking for some advice. I had been getting on great with a girl on Tinder, and we finally met up last week for a date. I have to say when she arrived I was a little disappointed as she didn't look like her pictures really, so I wasn't attracted at all. Anyway we got on really well, and drank quite a bit, and before you know it we're back at my place and had sex etc. Next morning I had to rush out to get to work so I left her on good terms at mine and told her she could leave whenever she wanted. She doesn't live too far away.
So yeah I had some fun, but she seems pretty keen now and I don't really know how to say I'm not interested? There's no way I'd want anything more than what happened as I don't really find her attractive at all. I know I shouldn't have slept with her, but we both drank too much and it just happened. I'm kind of being distant in messages etc now, probably hoping she'll get the message.
I should just come out and say sorry I don't think there's anything there for me? I'm afraid she'll get upset now.
I'm not very au fait with the politics of one night stands as it's been a while since I had one. Actually I really fancied the girl from my last one and after she agreed to meet up again she ignored my texts eventually. I guess she wasn't really interested which is fine!
Thanks in advance for any advice.

Tigger99

Well she's probably thinking you just wanted sex and now you've got that you are gone.

All the more reason to be upfront and put her out of her misery. If it was me I'd say, It was good to meet you but I don't think we are right for each other.

Yeah she might be upset but she'll get over it and it's far less cruel than being distant in texts to get rid of her

jimd2

As tigger said be upfront. It's probably not her first ONS so she has been the breakupper or breakee after previous ONS's so just say its not working for you end of story.

Because ye are both living in the same area I wouldnt over dramatise it by FB blocking etc if you could get away with it.

retro:electro

Ya just do the decent thing and say you don't see it going anywhere. Ghosting is cruel. Take some of the responsibility for the situation you are in.

leggo

She's not going to be devastated - it was just one night for her, same as you - but it is annoying if people are breadcrumbing you. You're best off saying something basic like "I'm not looking for anything right now" just to get something across, then if she starts acting cray cray you've free reign to block. But look, she's on Tinder, she had a ONS with you, she'll most likely know the score, appreciate the clarity and be gone. A lot of lads will tell you that you're best to just disappear or they start begging/getting crazy, but my experience has been the opposite and people appreciate when you're straight up with them, even if it's bad news.

Emme

Tell her out straight that you're not interested in a relationship or taking things further even though you had a good time. She probably won't be too bothered because plenty of people on Tinder are on it for ONS and nothing more.

In future if girls don't look like their pictures or you aren't attracted to them don't get drunk with them and end up in bed.

rainbowtrout

allnightlong69 wrote: »

I'm kind of being distant in messages etc now, probably hoping she'll get the message.

Be an adult and just say that you enjoyed the night, but you don't want to take it any further. She'll appreciate it in the long run, and like another post said ghosting is cruel. If you are adult enough to sleep with her, be adult enough to tell her you don't want to meet again.

tara73

I would also suggest, like one other poster here, to let her know you are not in the mindset of a committed relationship and it was just an ONS for you. With this you minimalise potential hurt in not saying it doesn't fit for you (with her). She could take that already personal if she's kind of into you.

Tigger99

Op I hope you've let her know by now.

One point I just wanted to make in relation to the thread. People have assumed that she mightnt be too bothered because she'll know that tinder (and other online dating sites) is mostly for a ons. I know many people who met their partners there, people are looking for all sorts on it, it's a big assumption to make.

I've heard quite a few friends sleep with a guy on the first date cos they thought he was special, so nor would I assume that she would be used to being broken up with or the breakee.

leggo

Tigger99 wrote: »

Op I hope you've let her know by now.

One point I just wanted to make in relation to the thread. People have assumed that she mightnt be too bothered because she'll know that tinder (and other online dating sites) is mostly for a ons. I know many people who met their partners there, people are looking for all sorts on it, it's a big assumption to make.

I've heard quite a few friends sleep with a guy on the first date cos they thought he was special, so nor would I assume that she would be used to being broken up with or the breakee.

I get what you're saying there but, in my case at least, what I was saying is that there's only so much you can get attached to someone after one date (and if people do fall in love after one date that's their own problem that they need to work on). I think sometimes people can talk themselves into thinking ghosting is okay because of them telling themselves that they don't want to 'hurt' the other person, but you can't really hurt someone that much after one date UNLESS you start head-melting games like ghosting or breadcrumbing.

Tigger99

Yeah definitely important to stop the myth that ghosting doesn't hurt someone.

On the other point, I think it can be different with online dating for some people. I've seen people talking online for weeks before meeting and this false intimacy (and indeed false perception of their personality and lifestyle) can build up before meeting. So I can understand why someone may have feelings after a first date.

Just understanding where someone else may be coming from (even though I think it's unhealthy myself too) can lead to kinder actions.

Bambi985

It's good practice to get into the habit of having these conversations OP. Most people are lazy and lack character when it comes to these things, which is why ghosting is such a phenomenon. But who's to say you won't be in the same situation with another girl next week? It's tinder after all, and I think the best way to manage it is with your integrity still intact. Ireland is a small place.

Shoot her a quick friendly text with something along the lines of "hi there! Great to finally meet last week, I had a great night. Not sure if there's potential in it to become more though, I just don't think we're compatible in that way. Hope you understand and all the best". Job done. And you don't have to add her to the list of People To Avoid when you're out and about.

amtc

God I think receiving a text like that would be awful! Like you were good enough for a night but not good enough for another. You didn't make any plans and if she's a big enough girl to go on Tinder she'll get it.

Dr Crayfish

Why do people think Tinder is a place where people just meet up to have sex? It's not like that at all, it's like any other dating site or app.
Anyway yeah OP bite the bullet and send something saying you're not interested in anything further, she may respect you for it.

Bambi985

amtc wrote: »

God I think receiving a text like that would be awful! Like you were good enough for a night but not good enough for another. .

She's going to get the general gist of it anyways by him ghosting her, except to add insult to injury she'll have to deal with the fact that he didn't even have the respect to be honest and say it to her face. Which IME massively contributes to the amount of bitter, angry people out there on the online dating game.

ILikeBananas

This exact same situation happened to me a few years ago. In my case I bit the bullet and texted her that evening telling her I wasn't interested in taking things any further. She sent me a few angry messages. I felt like a complete scumbag. However it was done and dusted right there and we were in no doubt about the situation. It was a learning experience for me too. On subsequent first dates if I haven't been attracted to the person I make sure not to get drunk and make sure not to give off any misleading signals.

retro:electro

Bambi985 wrote: »

She's going to get the general gist of it anyways by him ghosting her, except to add insult to injury she'll have to deal with the fact that he didn't even have the respect to be honest and say it to her face. Which IME massively contributes to the amount of bitter, angry people out there on the online dating game.

I agree. The op isn't a bad person for doing what he did. It happens. But he has an opportunity now to do the decent thing and just let her know he's not into it. People get so used to being ghosted that they feel it's the appropriate way to act if you're not interested when it 100% is not. Nothing wrong with saying "I had a nice time, but I don't see it going anywhere". She'll be disappointed probably, but she'll get over it. Ghosting not only causes disappointment, but causes bitterness and that same bitterness allows bad habits to perpetuate.

Buffman

Hi OP, as others have said, being upfront and honest is usually the best course of action, as long as the communications remain cordial.

allnightlong69 wrote: »

......drank quite a bit, and before you know it we're back at my place and had sex etc. ................ I know I shouldn't have slept with her, but we both drank too much and it just happened...................I'm afraid she'll get upset now.
I'm not very au fait with the politics of one night stands as it's been a while since I had one.................
Thanks in advance for any advice.

Looking at it from a very cynical/worst case scenario point of view, I'd advice you to retain whatever evidence you may have (texts etc.) that it was consensual sex, in case of any possible future allegations.

silverharp

the girl sounds like her own worst enemy, she puts up doctored photos which make look better looking than she is then accepts dates from men who are probably going to be out of her league, she has a few lessons to learn

LegacyUser

anna080 wrote: »

Ya just do the decent thing and say you don't see it going anywhere. Ghosting is cruel. Take some of the responsibility for the situation you are in.

I would rather have ghosting than some lame excuse of 'not being ready for relationship' or 'just out of one'. It's more cruel to give false hope as oppose to just disappear or directly turn down their advances.

It amazes me how can you have sexual contact with someone you don't fancy.

LegacyUser

What's not to say that he was looking out of his league ? We cannot come to this conclusion unless presented with actual facts. Also some people are photogenic and look better in photos, this also might have been the case, but it can only be a speculation from my part.

SarahMollie

One thing to point out is that sometimes people get over invested in online relationships before they meet, and then they feel that they're much further on in their relationship than a normal first date - we don't know how much of this was at play here, but I wouldn't rule out the possibility that she's a bit invested in our OP and that their night of getting drunk and then having sex might (initially at least) have been seen by her as confirmation that he was into her.

Regardless, the best thing to do is be adult and let her know that you don't see this having any future. Regarding her misrepresenting herself, I suppose it depends on the nature of the misrepresentation, ie were they just flattering photos or were they doctored/deliberately misleading in some other way. If they were extremely misleading, it might be no harm telling her that she wasn't what you expected, however you don't have much of a leg to stand on here because you went ahead and slept with her anyway.

LegacyUser

Ok well messages seem to be petering out at this stage, I didn't mention meeting up again and neither did she. So it looks like I don't have to feed her any lame excuses for not wanting to meet up again, hopefully that's the end of that. It's kind of sad really because she's sound, but I shudder at the thought of the sex last week and would rather forget it.
I'm meeting another girl on Wednesday night, I'll try and keep my sh*t together this time and not get wasted!

retro:electro

allnightlong69 wrote: »

Ok well messages seem to be petering out at this stage, I didn't mention meeting up again and neither did she. So it looks like I don't have to feed her any lame excuses for not wanting to meet up again, hopefully that's the end of that. It's kind of sad really because she's sound, but I shudder at the thought of the sex last week and would rather forget it.
I'm meeting another girl on Wednesday night, I'll try and keep my sh*t together this time and not get wasted!

Doesn't sound like she's interested either, maybe she's shuddering as much as you.
Good luck on your date

Emme

allnightlong69 wrote: »

Ok well messages seem to be petering out at this stage, I didn't mention meeting up again and neither did she. So it looks like I don't have to feed her any lame excuses for not wanting to meet up again, hopefully that's the end of that. It's kind of sad really because she's sound, but I shudder at the thought of the sex last week and would rather forget it.
I'm meeting another girl on Wednesday night, I'll try and keep my sh*t together this time and not get wasted!

Maybe you should wait until after a few dates before having sex. Get to know the girl first. Then there's less chance of you shuddering.

Dr Crayfish

Shudder known better than to hump someone you're not interested in