What to call him/us

Widdershins

This isn't the worst problem out there but I separated from my long term boyfriend in a very amicable way recently. We are still the best of friends and we still live together. It would make no sense for either of us to put ourselves in financial hardship to move out just for appearances sake. Friends share a house all the time!

The thing is, we have 'joint' friends, everyone's so used to us being a couple, and some people seemed gutted we separated. So I've two questions: What to say to people who seem shocked, and what to call him?

I don't like ex boyfriend, it sounds very bitter!

Stheno

Just refer to him by his name?

Widdershins

Stheno wrote: »

Just refer to him by his name?

Of course, but sometimes you have to explain more than that.

E.G He's my next of kin, and medical people have asked such questions, and when asked for the purpose of medical records whether I'm married, single or cohabiting I found it a bit confusing. I suppose it's one of those things you get used to. There's no single and cohabiting option.

GingerLily

"Just Friends" or "Housemate"

Dial Hard

Widdershins wrote:

I don't like ex boyfriend, it sounds very bitter!

It's just a prefix and a word. I think you're overthinking this to a large degree.

housemate works here i think?

neonsofa

Definitely over thinking. You can use his name, call him my friend, the person I house share with, an old friend of the family.. it really doesn't matter. And how often do you actually introduce him? Nobody really actually cares all that much. Sounds like a nasty thing to say but I actually mean it in the nicest way possible, nobody actually thinks about it half as much as you currently are. Well, I wouldn't anyway, I can't speak for others. If a medical person asks, he is your next of kin. Simple as that,it's nobody's business how that came about.

Also, you are single. Co ha biting is living as partners which you are not. You are living as friends, house sharers. It's really very simple don't be worrying like!

Widdershins

Yeah, Housemate sounds ok to me.

Neon sofa yes I am overthinking, I know that, but as I said people are telling me I'm mad, what a good man he is, why am I throwing away etc. As they are good friends I don't want to just tell them to mind their own business. So that's probably why I'm overthinking. I don't find your comment nasty at all, just pragmatic.

I know nobody else is thinking about the term I use. Apparently they do care that we're separated otherwise they wouldn't be interfering.

I just don't like 'ex'.

jlm29

You answered the question in your op. He's your friend! It's fine to write on medical forms that he's your friend. And that you are single, which you now are.
Of note though, can he legally be your next of kin if you have living relatives?

Widdershins

jlm29 wrote: »

You answered the question in your op. He's your friend! It's fine to write on medical forms that he's your friend. And that you are single, which you now are.
Of note though, can he legally be your next of kin if you have living relatives?

I'm sure this sounds stupid but it didn't occur to me that I could write 'friend' on the forms!:)

I assumed it's up to you to appoint a next of kin and that if none is appointed then it falls to the closest blood relative. Good question, I will have to check. That's quite an important one to me.

judeboy101

Platonic life partner

jlm29

Widdershins wrote: »

I'm sure this sounds stupid but it didn't occur to me that I could write 'friend' on the forms!:)

I assumed it's up to you to appoint a next of kin and that if none is appointed then it falls to the closest blood relative. Good question, I will have to check. That's quite an important one to me.

I actually just googled it, and your legal next of kin is your closest living blood relative. I kind of knew this already. They do ask in the hospital, and they obviously don't check, so for e.g. I have my partner down as mine. But I do know that legally it would be my mother, and if any major decisions ever had to be made, technically they would be hers to make.
But yes, I work in a hosp, and people who have no blood relatives would often have "friend" or "neighbour" as NOK

Widdershins

jlm29 wrote: »

I actually just googled it, and your legal next of kin is your closest living blood relative. I kind of knew this already. They do ask in the hospital, and they obviously don't check, so for e.g. I have my partner down as mine. But I do know that legally it would be my mother, and if any major decisions ever had to be made, technically they would be hers to make.
But yes, I work in a hosp, and people who have no blood relatives would often have "friend" or "neighbour" as NOK

I'm extremely glad I opened the thread now. That is very significant information, to me so thank you for highlighting it!

There are reasons why I want him to remain my NOK, instead of it being a relative, so I will see if a solicitor can help to make it official.

Widdershins

judeboy101 wrote: »

Platonic life partner

That one's not bad at all and is a fair description..maybe just a little bit like ''conscious uncoupling''?

Tokyo

Widdershins wrote: »

The thing is, we have 'joint' friends, everyone's so used to us being a couple, and some people seemed gutted we separated. So I've two questions: What to say to people who seem shocked, and what to call him?

If you are worried about people who you consider joint friends, then you're certainly overthinking this. They already know the situation, so it's not as if you'll ever be in the situation where you have to introduce him, i.e.

"This is John. He's my friend/ex boyfriend/former partner" etc.

If you are looking for a word then friend seems the most appropriate - after all, but your own admission, that's what you both are now, no?

athtrasna

I lived with my almost ex husband for close to two years after we split. All very amicable. Referred to him by name with mutual friends and my ex with everyone else.

Dr Crayfish

The words aren't important but I would have thought living your own life away from the guy should be priority for you right now, I'm speaking from experience.

njs030

Widdershins wrote: »

I'm extremely glad I opened the thread now. That is very significant information, to me so thank you for highlighting it!

There are reasons why I want him to remain my NOK, instead of it being a relative, so I will see if a solicitor can help to make it official.

This is something you need to think very carefully about, what happens when one or both of you move on, get married etc?

He's an ex now, at best a friend and perhaps you should be loosening the bonds not looking for ways to tighten them.
Maybe someone else could do that role for you

Widdershins

notjustsweet wrote: »

This is something you need to think very carefully about, what happens when one or both of you move on, get married etc?

He's an ex now, at best a friend and perhaps you should be loosening the bonds not looking for ways to tighten them.
Maybe someone else could do that role for you

We know that's a possibility in time. He says he's not interested but I'm aware that could change. Its still a new situation and I'm back to hospital soon, quite a scary situation to be honest, and at the moment deliberately loosening bonds doesn't feel right. I think we are lucky to have come out of it with a strong friendship. Time will probably do that for us, if other people don't. And he's the only person I would trust for this. If he didn't want to be NOK then he wouldn't be.

Widdershins

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

The words aren't important but I would have thought living your own life away from the guy should be priority for you right now, I'm speaking from experience.

Too soon. I see what you mean, though.

Widdershins

He works away most of the time so effectively we ARE living apart more than together.

neonsofa

Widdershins wrote: »

He works away most of the time so effectively we ARE living apart more than together.

You don't need to justify it to anybody. If it works for you both now then that's your business. I think people just know from experience that in general terms it gets very messy and a clean cut is most healthy in the majority of cases. But it's your life and your choice to make.

njs030

Widdershins wrote: »

We know that's a possibility in time. He says he's not interested but I'm aware that could change. Its still a new situation and I'm back to hospital soon, quite a scary situation to be honest, and at the moment deliberately loosening bonds doesn't feel right. I think we are lucky to have come out of it with a strong friendship. Time will probably do that for us, if other people don't. And he's the only person I would trust for this. If he didn't want to be NOK then he wouldn't be.

If that's what suits you then thats your business, I just was suggesting think twice before making it official.
If you need support and he's willing to give it aren't you lucky to have him for now? Worry about later when it happens.
Good luck with your hospital stay x

neonsofa

notjustsweet wrote: »

Good luck with your hospital stay x

Yes, good luck from me too!

jimd2

Personally, I think that you are mad to continue to house share after a breakup. In cases of break there is (almost) always one of the couple one of the couple who wanted not to break up and continuing to stay together means that person cannot move on. Also they both will find it awkward bringing any new partner home. Then you have to consider how any new partner would feel being brought home to that situation.