Lonely, dangerously low self esteem

LegacyUser

Hi everyone just needed somewhere to vent. Just been very upset lately and a bit fed up and miserable. I'm 26 years old male and I just feel like I'm not enjoying life as much as I want to. Luckily I work part time (new jobs started last week) so I keep myself busy but outside work I spend all my time alone. I'm not an anti social person and my social skills are good, I'm fine with starting conversations with people and holding conversations, surprisingly, despite my very low self esteem. I don't have any real friends I see consistently. Most of my school friends now have their own jobs and other commitments like kids, significant others etc, or don't live in the country anymore. The only friends I have are co-workers from past jobs I just bump into now and then, or acquaintances, I don't have a social circle and outside work as I said, spend all of my time alone pretty much.

Now even though I have good social skills and I'm a fairly good conversationalist, my confidence is next to none. I think a lot of this stems from how I don't like how I look at all. I'm quite over weight and I think I'm ugly. I have little to no experience with girls or relationships, and at my age that just makes me feel abnormal and it's something I dwell on. I feel like a freak all the time because I haven't done something I feel like I should have and that everyone else my age is doing regularly. I just feel straight up unattractive and unlovable and I hate that, it just makes me feel crushed and like no one would ever want to be interested in me. I get really lonely spending time by myself a lot. Funny thing is, I don't even think I would be interested in a relationship, it's friendship I'm more so looking for in general because like I said it gets awful lonely sometimes.

All of my co-workers are also girls, only a few around my age (I'm the only lad!) so this also makes it much harder for me to try and reach out because asking for phone numbers (I'm one of those weird people who doesn't use social media) to contact people outside work for a chat just makes it look like I'm flirting or beiing a chancer, when honestly all I'd want is friendship or even someone just to drop a line to or meet up for a few social drinks with or whatever.

Honestly I feel I am way too hard on myself, sometimes I can break this train of thought by focusing on all the good positive things about myself that I know are true, but sometimes I just can't break the negative thoughts and I do spiral into a very dark place full of self loathing and depression. I sometimes do feel suicidal when I think about it too much, sometimes it gets too much to bear. I think most of it boils down to me being lonely and feeling worthless that no one really knows me or ever kind of wanted to know me, whether that be intimitaly or not, more so the former. I personally do not have a neediness to be constantly validated by others or by the opposite sex, and I am fine with spending time alone, but sometimes it does get to me and I wish I wasn't the way I was.

Fakediamond

Hi OP,

It's all too easy to shut yourself off and not make the effort to meet new people. I suppose you have to decide how much you want an interesting and varied life, and if that's what you do want, set some goals to make it happen. The advice on here is pretty much always the same. Join groups and meet-ups of people with similar interests, what ever they may be. Everyone has something interesting about them, we're complex creatures, so don't ever think no-one is bothered finding out more about you, as you said, they just don't know you! Why are you not on social media, I would think it's almost compulsory at your age as a way to connect with your peer group?

Sometimes you just have to be brave, as the book title says "Feel the Fear, and Do It Anyway".

If you feel that depression is holding you back, speak to your G.P., you'll get good support there to set you on the path to better mental and physical health.

Best of luck to you!

Alizrian Crimson

Find a nice pub and go out and have a drink. Yes, I mean go out alone. Chat to the barman, if he's not talkative, find one who is.

A couple of years ago I moved to a new town and knew no one. If I sat in every night I'd have no friends, no job and no girlfriend. I had to get out of my comfort zone and go meet people.

I fully respect that going to bars or even drinking may not be your thing but you're a grown man now, friends and girlfriends aren't going to come to you. You have to leave the house and go find them.

OP I know when you feel lonely it can be a very difficult rut to get out of.

I don't think it's the best idea to try to be friends with the people you work with outside of work. If you hear of people going out after work, sure, ask if you can tag along, but if they're not forthcoming about it I wouldn't bring it up. Look outside work for company.

If you really do feel that bad about things, maybe don't even start with looking for friendship. Just get out and about. You said you're overweight. You could join a class or a group to help you get fit. Something that will help your confidence grow. Have you looked at meetup.com? I joined a Pilates class when I was feeling very low, and I didn't make any friends out of it, but it gave me a huge confidence boost, just saying hello to people when I came in, and spending time in a group. It also helps when people you meet ask you about yourself, that you have something outside work that you care about that makes you feel good. Plus over time I started to get fitter and that was a huge help to my confidence. It really helped me stand tall and I think other people reacted well to that change.

You also said you don't use social media. That's up to you, but do be aware that it's called 'social' media for a reason. Not only can it be very helpful in socialising, but everyone else these days is so dependent on it that it could be detrimental to your efforts if you don't have it.