Effects of Mental Health on dating!

SGSM

I'm a young man in my twenties and suffer from a few different mental health problems without going into too much detail.
I have had very little luck with women and my mental health issues have always had a factor in this.

Now I know people have become a lot more understanding of mental health in recent years but I still feel there's a group left behind. That group being, the people that don't come across as confident or adventurous etc. There are plenty of people that have a lot of problems but they still have exciting lives. When they eventually open up they are met with sympathy and rightly so but what about the people that aren't able to function the way they would love to?

In my case, I feel I'm a very lovable, caring fella that is a massive messer but wouldn't have many friends so have struggle to socialise and go on cool adventures etc. I wouldn't be confident in myself and don't drink so may look boring on nights out etc.
I've had a lot of rejection when it comes to dating and frankly I don't know what to do or how to go about these things.

Any opinions?

Vela

SGSM wrote: »

I'm a young man in my twenties and suffer from a few different mental health problems without going into too much detail.
I have had very little luck with women and my mental health issues have always had a factor in this.

Now I know people have become a lot more understanding of mental health in recent years but I still feel there's a group left behind. That group being, the people that don't come across as confident or adventurous etc. There are plenty of people that have a lot of problems but they still have exciting lives. When they eventually open up they are met with sympathy and rightly so but what about the people that aren't able to function the way they would love to?

In my case, I feel I'm a very lovable, caring fella that is a massive messer but wouldn't have many friends so have struggle to socialise and go on cool adventures etc. I wouldn't be confident in myself and don't drink so may look boring on nights out etc.
I've had a lot of rejection when it comes to dating and frankly I don't know what to do or how to go about these things.

Any opinions?

If you're actively working on your mental health issues (i.e. you see a therapist or you have developing coping strategies from seeing a professional), then the main issue here seems to be with your confidence. You're worried about how other people perceive you. I get it. Sometimes it feels like people must just 'know' something's up, or think you're a bit weird, or too shy, or whatever. But here's the thing - most people just don't notice.

Self esteem issues will seriously mess with your chances when you're dating. Is this online? I know, personally, I'd be completely up for dating someone who has experience in dealing with mental health problems - because I think it gives people an authenticity and sense of awareness that many people don't have. However, an evident lack of self respect or self esteem would put me off - because I'm attracted to assertiveness and confidence. Clearly, I don't speak for all women, but that's just one viewpoint for you.

There's a time and a place for laying it all out on the table. Give yourself a chance first. Let the person get to know you. Your mental health isn't all that you are. Shoot with the things you like about yourself and use those to initiate conversation.

As for people leading exciting lives. Don't be fooled by that. Social media would have you think that people are living perfect lives with zero stress in picture perfect worlds. That's not the case at all. It's simply a snippet from a person's life.

What I'm suggesting, is that if you're talking to girls you're interested in - start with the snippets of your life that make you feel confident about yourself. They don't have to be the 'regular' things that other people like, and they don't have to be uber exciting, they just have to be the things about you and the things you do that make you happy.

Once you've been seeing someone for a bit and there's more trust there, you can let them in on everything else when/if you want to. But I'm just saying that your mental health isn't the be all and end all of your personality. You're still you. You just have some extra baggage. But everyone does.

I hope that helps in some way

SGSM

Thank you for your post Vela. My self esteem is low but I never thought it was evident but it may be.
Ive always been worried about offending people and I'd say I've put women I've liked on a pedestal. I once found out that a female acquaintance had called me weird cos Im too nice. But that's just who I am.
I'll add that I act confident too. I've asked women out, sent messages to chat but all have got me nowhere.

Vela

SGSM wrote: »

Thank you for your post Vela. My self esteem is low but I never thought it was evident but it may be.
Ive always been worried about offending people and I'd say I've put women I've liked on a pedestal. I once found out that a female acquaintance had called me weird cos Im too nice. But that's just who I am.
I'll add that I act confident too. I've asked women out, sent messages to chat but all have got me nowhere.

So, here's the thing. Nice guys are great, but there's a very fine line between being nice and being a doormat because you're insecure / think you don't deserve the person or they're better than you. People will pick up on that.

SGSM

Vela wrote:

So, here's the thing. Nice guys are great, but there's a very fine line between being nice and being a doormat because you're insecure / think you don't deserve the person or they're better than you. People will pick up on that.

I didn't think I was coming across like a doormat but I must be cos not many women bit me the time of day.

kittycati

SGSM wrote: »

I'm a young man in my twenties and suffer from a few different mental health problems without going into too much detail.
I have had very little luck with women and my mental health issues have always had a factor in this.

Now I know people have become a lot more understanding of mental health in recent years but I still feel there's a group left behind. That group being, the people that don't come across as confident or adventurous etc. There are plenty of people that have a lot of problems but they still have exciting lives. When they eventually open up they are met with sympathy and rightly so but what about the people that aren't able to function the way they would love to?

In my case, I feel I'm a very lovable, caring fella that is a massive messer but wouldn't have many friends so have struggle to socialise and go on cool adventures etc. I wouldn't be confident in myself and don't drink so may look boring on nights out etc.
I've had a lot of rejection when it comes to dating and frankly I don't know what to do or how to go about these things.

Any opinions?

You are just meeting the wrong people . Lots brag, boast of how they are so amazing etc .. very few modest , honest out there on the dating scene - in comparison. Keep searching,
one day you will meet the one- best suited to you. No point comparing yourself to what is out there, everyone is unique and never feel inadequate just keep searching to find your special "buried treasure".

SGSM

kittycati wrote:

You are just meeting the wrong people . Lots brag, boast of how they are so amazing etc .. very few modest , honest out there on the dating scene - in comparison. Keep searching, one day you will meet the one- best suited to you. No point comparing yourself to what is out there, everyone is unique and never feel inadequate just keep searching to find your special "buried treasure".

Thanks for the reply. You're right but it doesn't deal with the loneliness ATM but not much else I can do.

kittycati

SGSM wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. You're right but it doesn't deal with the loneliness ATM but not much else I can do.

Normally, we are born alone, die alone . Like, loneliness needs to be addressed .. fill up time to occupy your mind/ time etc .. . Rest will fall into place .
Not ready to meet anyone until you are content within yourself and it does happen, just have to learn to look after number 1, the rest just falls into place in time .

Vela

SGSM wrote: »

I didn't think I was coming across like a doormat but I must be cos not many women bit me the time of day.

Please don't take that in the wrong way. It's more about changing how you look at things and how you approach dating. Don't look at it like 'this person is amazing and I have to be a certain way or they won't want me'. I'm not saying to change who you are. I'm saying to assert who you are. Believe in yourself. Believe that you're someone worth being with. If you don't, it'll come across unless you actively try not to show it.

You'd be amazed at some of the messages I get online. I'm an average looking woman (not downplaying anything or being modest) and I get a LOT of messages that start with 'I know you probably won't be interested' or 'on the off chance that you actually reply'. I even got a message the other day from some guy telling me he loved my profile but the only problem was that he wasn't attractive or intelligent!!

Are you talking about chatting to women in bars or online? In either case, just be friendly. See what the vibe is. If they're interested, you'll pick up on it. If not, leave it be - don't lower yourself to trying to 'make' someone interested in you.

SGSM

Vela wrote:

Are you talking about chatting to women in bars or online? In either case, just be friendly. See what the vibe is. If they're interested, you'll pick up on it. If not, leave it be - don't lower yourself to trying to 'make' someone interested in you.

The online dating is soul destroying for guys that may not be the best looking. Women just don't reply.
I would mean even like chatting to women I would have met thru work or while out. It's not even romantically at times. None seem to be interested in chatting.

Vela

SGSM wrote: »

The online dating is soul destroying for guys that may not be the best looking. Women just don't reply.
I would mean even like chatting to women I would have met thru work or while out. It's not even romantically at times. None seem to be interested in chatting.

I can give you some insight in that side of things in online dating. I don't reply if I'm not interested in someone. The reason? I used to do it, and all I ever got back was abuse. I'd politely say I wasn't interested, best of luck, etc. And I'd be told I thought I was so great yada yada, or they'd go and point out all the reasons why they didn't want to date me anyway! Or, worse, they'd ask why not, and to give them a chance, and that they knew they weren't the best looking or whatever. I mean, what do guys think that will achieve? I highly doubt someone wants you to elaborate on why you're not interested in them, so why ask?!

If you don't get a reply, they're not interested. No big deal. You're just not their type. Move on to the next person. Oh and if you're on Tinder, I'd try something else like OkCupid. Tinder is a shallow hookup fest IMO.

If you're chatting to women when you're out, it might be worth asking your friends/whoever you're out with - if you're doing anything they'd consider off-putting.

But listen, dating isn't easy! For anyone. It's absolutely not just you and it's 100% not just because of the issues you're dealing with. I promise you that. Don't be too hard on yourself.

SGSM

I don't mean that ya should be replying to every guy, I just mean that there is such a pick that most women don't reply to the guys that aren't the best looking. Its not the women's fault but the guys simply don't get any replies. I've deleted my online dating profiles cos I'd say I messaged hundreds of women and only a small percentage replied and none led to anything.
Its not easy but when every woman you like that ya ask out or try to get to know turns ya down, it makes ya feel like ****.

Vela

SGSM wrote: »

I don't mean that ya should be replying to every guy, I just mean that there is such a pick that most women don't reply to the guys that aren't the best looking. Its not the women's fault but the guys simply don't get any replies. I've deleted my online dating profiles cos I'd say I messaged hundreds of women and only a small percentage replied and none led to anything.
Its not easy but when every woman you like that ya ask out or try to get to know turns ya down, it makes ya feel like ****.

In that case, you're right enough not to do it. I really do think it's all to do with confidence. If you think you're pretty great, then you're not really going to care why some random girl doesn't want to date you. Not so much that it'll make you feel sh1t.

Maybe take a time out to refocus on yourself for a while.

SGSM

Vela wrote:

Maybe take a time out to refocus on yourself for a while.

You're probably right but I feel like I've been trying to do that the last number of years. I'm nearly 24 and I've never had a second date.

LegacyUser

I'm guessing you're getting your impression of living a full life and dating from social media, because you mention adventurousness twice, as though it was the key factor in attractiveness. It's not. It's an attractive feature for some people, off-putting for others, unremarkable for lots of people. Also the idea that everyone is on an adventure all the time is totally false, very easily created by only ever telling people the highlights and showing the best photos.

You also seem to think not drinking is a drawback, but actually it's a good thing for lots of prospective partners, they're quite happy to know their other half will be sober and upright.

I'd suggest you focus on what personal qualities you bring to a relationship rather than the idea that you have to be something you're not to attract a mate. Are you a good listener? Supportive? Understanding? Do you tune in to other people's feelings? Are you reliable? All those things and other qualities will do far more to make a relationship than "cool adventures". By all means do the travelling, the surfing, the festivals, and meet people through them, but don't imagine they're what makes for lasting relationships, when the adventure stops and it's just the two of you on the sofa it's all about how you behave towards each other.

You say you're a "massive messer". That might be intended to mean you're good craic and don't take yourself too seriously and that's great, but it's just as likely to come across as being a tool you wouldn't want to get stuck in a corner with on a night out, a David Brent or Colin from the Fast Show.

And if you have mental health issues, stay away from online dating. It's useful for a minority of people who have a fairly resilient mindset, but overall it's a bearpit of disposability, ill manners and dismissiveness which is far more likely to make you unhappy than find you a girlfriend. If you need a medium to meet people, the real world is far better, you can join clubs and go to events, find things that interest you through which you'll find people you have that in common with at least, but in my experience you generally turn out to have more in common with them because you're both the kind of people who like anime/hillwalking/drifting/whatever you fancy yourself.

leggo

Alright, tough love time: everything people are saying to you, you're coming back with an excuse. So why post here to begin with? You sound almost like you want to admit defeat and have us all admit the world sucks. I mean, I get it and we've all been there at times, but how does that attitude help you out of your situation?

First impression while reading your post: your mental health isn't an issue to others. Same as already has been said, it's your confidence and self-esteem that's holding you back. People are very tolerant of mental health issues these days and won't let it hold back from a partner they like.

But that's the thing: they have to like you. And how can they like you when you don't seem to like you very much? Do you see how how you feel about yourself is directly related to the reactions you're getting?

The solution is you have to learn to like yourself. You're not ready for dating yet because you're not there. So forget about that for the time being. Focus on figuring out who you are as a person, what makes you tick, maximising each day in your life based on whatever it is that makes you tick (doesn't have to be 'adventures') and knowing that you're making the most of your short time on this planet. Don't have many friends? Go on MeetUp and push yourself to go to nights and change this. You have interests don't you? It's never been easier, with the Internet, to connect to people that are interested in the same stuff as you and will make you feel normal and even fun. Do you like your job, does that give you satisfaction? If not, maybe go job-hunting for a more social workplace with more like-minded people, or do a night course in a field you'd like to get a qualification in. You're not happy with how you are right now, so change the circumstances in your life until you are. It'll take work but isn't that better than sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself?

As for looks, it's never been more achievable (read: I didn't say easy) to be 'good looking'. Go to a gym or do some kind of physical exercise you enjoy and can commit to that'll get you in shape and make you feel better in general. I'm not saying you have to change who you are as a person, but look up clothes that are in fashion right now and see what stuff you could imagine yourself wearing, then get it. Same with hairstyles. Take care of yourself, if you have bad skin do something about that, moisturise daily etc. Groom well and take pride in your appearance. Most 'attractive' people these days are just people who put a lot of work into being attractive, so if you're not doing so then don't be surprised if you fall behind and don't get many matches on Tinder. Being 'nice' in the game of attractiveness matters about as much as being nice does in football, i.e. not a lot.

Forget about dating. Try all of this stuff and keep chopping and changing until you find an end result you're happy with, and in the meantime find some solace in the fact that you're doing something about the issue and not just self-pitting anymore. When you feel better, watch the world start to turn as if just for you and THEN look into finding someone to share this happiness with. I guarantee your mental health difficulties, that you seem to be dealing with well, won't matter then.

SGSM

Thanks for the advice everyone. All taking on board. Much appreciated!

greencap

SGSM wrote: »

I'm a young man in my twenties and suffer from a few different mental health problems without going into too much detail.
I have had very little luck with women and my mental health issues have always had a factor in this.

Now I know people have become a lot more understanding of mental health in recent years but I still feel there's a group left behind. That group being, the people that don't come across as confident or adventurous etc. There are plenty of people that have a lot of problems but they still have exciting lives. When they eventually open up they are met with sympathy and rightly so but what about the people that aren't able to function the way they would love to?

In my case, I feel I'm a very lovable, caring fella that is a massive messer but wouldn't have many friends so have struggle to socialise and go on cool adventures etc. I wouldn't be confident in myself and don't drink so may look boring on nights out etc.
I've had a lot of rejection when it comes to dating and frankly I don't know what to do or how to go about these things.

Any opinions?

I'm replying because you remind me of a younger me.

There's no luck in anything. Drop the word 'dating' from your *internal* dialogue, its too lax and fun. 'Mating' ; dry and nerdy and cringey as it sounds is more appropriate to how you should be thinking. (Inside - not out loud)

Go look up some evolutionary psychology lectures.
Mating is about making a baby, even if you don't want a child, that's what it is all about in its core truth.
There's nothing fun about it when you get down to the truth of the process - other than some endorphins if you succeed. Making a baby is a huge deal for our bodies.

We've got two drives - survival and reproduction.
Survival - your housing, food, hygiene, medical, is not taken to be 'fun'.
And neither is reproduction.

Theres a trade off, a value exchange, just like in business or any other aspect of life.
And that is (her fecundity/fertility) vs (your utility - your production/protection capacity).

All the giggles, and cards, and cinema dates and smiles and all that other bullsht is built on strict criteria determined by evolution, as much as the pleasantries of a business lunch are built on the understanding that you're both there to sign a deal.

Don't worry about the menu, or the location of the restaurant, or the lighting, or your speech - neither party cares, that's just the packaging. Like your choice of aftershave or crummy pickup line.

Go watch some nature documentaries with a focus on mating - and try to remember that humans are animals too.
Instead of developing bright feathers we have tummy tucks and 05 BMWs.

Research redpill and mgtow - I would guess your shaky mental state might be related to a sneaking sense that something is wrong, because something is wrong. Your balls and instinctive drive are saying one thing. And modern Disney media has been telling you something else. Internal conflict, disharmony - fix it with truth, facts.

There's no more luck in the mating game than there is in the money/business game.
When your desirability as a product increases so will the price you can demand.

Its a hardwired evolutionary process, nature is unforgiving.

Natural science, redpill, mgtow, evolutionary psychology, sexual economics, and have a look at curent eastern marriage culture and marriage history in general.

And never sign a marriage contract.