What to do with a compulsive liar?

Oneilladam96

Hey guys, bit of a long and confusing one but here goes. My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months now. Seeing each other for about 3/4 before that. I know it's not too long but whatever. Anyways, I met her through a good friend of mine who told me to be careful because she is a liar. When I got to know her more I could tell that she would lie over small things, stupid things that she didn't even need to lie about.

Cut to the chase here and a few months pass and she explains that she did lie a lot but she loved me and promised that no more lies would be told. Before we got together she asked me about my past with other girls to which I told her everything. She also told me about hers and that was that.

Over 6 months down the line, an old friend of mine comes back from living abroad, so myself and my current best friend go to meet up with him. 5 minutes before we left she tells me that she has been lying to me all along and that she has had previously had sex with him ( before I even knew her). She told me that she forgot that she had done it and only remembered when I said I was going to meet up with him. Then, it turns out that he added her on Facebook last week and messaged her but she deleted it so that I would not see. Then she explained that she didn't not want to tell me because she was ashamed and upset over doing it with him, because she was drunk and it was a mistake.

She gets extremely aggravated when I call her a liar before I found out about it, but then admits that she did lie and then apologised.

I know that she has had a bad past with depression, anxiety and more. She says that I am the nicest person that she has met and that she does not want to lie to me or hurt me any more and is very apologetic.

I think that she is the nicest girl that I have met and we do have a great relationship. I have trusted her so much up untill this point and now I do not know what to do. We are going on holidays in 2 weeks also and I don't want it to be awkward. What should I do ?

Do I believe that she will stop telling lies and get a fresh start now that I know about everything ? I do love her a lot and still want to be in a relationship
With her but I don't know if things will ever be the same. I mean, how do I build up the trust for her again. Opinions and any advice would be much appreciated, thanks!

retro:electro

Her past is her business. Who she had sex with before you has nothing to do with you and it shouldn't be a burden for her to carry.
The other lies would bother me. If people feel the need to lie about small insignificant things that would cause me to reconsider things. It sounds like she does like you, but has gotten herself into a tangled messy web trying to cover her tracks.

Oneilladam96

anna080 wrote: »

Her past is her business. Who she had sex with before you has nothing to do with you and it shouldn't be a burden for her to carry.
The other lies would bother me. If people feel the need to lie about small insignificant things that would cause me to reconsider things. It sounds like she does like you, but has gotten herself into a tangled messy web trying to cover her tracks.

I have told her that I understand that her past is her past and that I do not mind that, it's the lies that she tells me is what upsets me really. Yeah I think so too that it's all just a mess.

Estrellita

I could be wrong of course, but you both sound quite young. Most people further down the line in age know better than to be counting notches on the others bed-posts.

Firstly, going in depth with the others relationship history is a bad idea. You mightn't always hear what you want to, but then again it's nobodies business bar them and them alone. You shouldn't go looking for s.hit to dredge up, everyone is entitled to a past.

I'd be more concerned about the day to day smaller lies, and why she feels the need to lie in the first place. Regarding the guy, well she sounds ashamed she was with him and would rather have left it buried in her past. But when the subject DID arise... She did tell you about her dalliance with him. I don't think you have a right to get your back up over it. She only felt the need to tell you I'd imagine because boys being boys, it might have come up in conversation that the two of them had a close encounter in the past. It's out in the open, so don't go stirring the pot. She's under no obligation to give you a bullet pointed list of guys she has met, and vice-versa.

Get to the bottom of the smaller fibs though, she needs to understand honesty is important between couples.

FitzElla

I think a lot of compulsive liars fall into the habit of lying as a way of avoiding uncomfortable truths in their own life. It is an escape from their own issues and is almost addictive in itself. The truth can actually be very difficult and uncomfortable for them to say. I'm not trying to justify your girlfriends lying but she may well have picked up the habit in the past as a result of her trying to avoid her own issues.

I think she is trying now with you, but just got caught out with this person reappearing from her past and panicked.

It is important you keep talking and get behind the reason she lied to you. Most people when accused of lying go on the defensive and might make up even more lies to create an escape. It might be more helpful if you can talk together about why was she afraid to tell you about this friend or the fact he messaged her on Facebook. Explain that it upset you and that being truthful with each other is important for trust. She needs an insight into her own behavior and you need to communicate how it made you feel.

If everything else in your relationship is going well I think you should keep working on this. It is important it gets a good airing before your holidays or else it will just keep eating you up. Hopefully you can both learn form it and be the stronger. Best of luck.

Oneilladam96

Estrellita wrote: »

I could be wrong of course, but you both sound quite young. Most people further down the line in age know better than to be counting notches on the others bed-posts.

Firstly, going in depth with the others relationship history is a bad idea. You mightn't always hear what you want to, but then again it's nobodies business bar them and them alone. You shouldn't go looking for s.hit to dredge up, everyone is entitled to a past.

I'd be more concerned about the day to day smaller lies, and why she feels the need to lie in the first place. Regarding the guy, well she sounds ashamed she was with him and would rather have left it buried in her past. But when the subject DID arise... She did tell you about her dalliance with him. I don't think you have a right to get your back up over it. She only felt the need to tell you I'd imagine because boys being boys, it might have come up in conversation that the two of them had a close encounter in the past. It's out in the open, so don't go stirring the pot. She's under no obligation to give you a bullet pointed list of guys she has met, and vice-versa.

Get to the bottom of the smaller fibs though, she needs to understand honesty is important between couples.

Well yeah, 21. I have already told her that I did not care about her past and I did not need to know about it but she insisted that i told her about mine.

The fact of her past is not what upsets me at all, it's just the fact of the lies that she constantly tells. She told me that she has lied to me numerous times in the past but she will stop now. All I'm wondering is do I trust that she will or what ? How can I gain trust back for her or should I just believe that she won't tell lies anymore ?

Estrellita

Oneilladam96 wrote: »

Well yeah, 21. I have already told her that I did not care about her past and I did not need to know about it but she insisted that i told her about mine.

The fact of her past is not what upsets me at all, it's just the fact of the lies that she constantly tells. She told me that she has lied to me numerous times in the past but she will stop now. All I'm wondering is do I trust that she will or what ? How can I gain trust back for her or should I just believe that she won't tell lies anymore ?

If you are willing to give things a go, very simply tell her you care about her and want to work out - but the lies must stop or you do not have a future together.

Oneilladam96

Estrellita wrote: »

If you are willing to give things a go, very simply tell her you care about her and want to work out - but the lies must stop or you do not have a future together.

Yeah I think that I will do that, thank you

.......

This post has been deleted.

professore

Estrellita wrote: »

I could be wrong of course, but you both sound quite young. Most people further down the line in age know better than to be counting notches on the others bed-posts.

Firstly, going in depth with the others relationship history is a bad idea. You mightn't always hear what you want to, but then again it's nobodies business bar them and them alone. You shouldn't go looking for s.hit to dredge up, everyone is entitled to a past.

I'd be more concerned about the day to day smaller lies, and why she feels the need to lie in the first place. Regarding the guy, well she sounds ashamed she was with him and would rather have left it buried in her past. But when the subject DID arise... She did tell you about her dalliance with him. I don't think you have a right to get your back up over it. She only felt the need to tell you I'd imagine because boys being boys, it might have come up in conversation that the two of them had a close encounter in the past. It's out in the open, so don't go stirring the pot. She's under no obligation to give you a bullet pointed list of guys she has met, and vice-versa.

Get to the bottom of the smaller fibs though, she needs to understand honesty is important between couples.

Do women never talk to each other about who they have slept with? You might be surprised to learn that a lot of guys don't boast to each other about "riding" each other's girlfriends - the kind of guys who do that are not great boyfriend material.

The whole lying thing is a headwreck. You will never be able to trust her, as she is clearly a compulsive liar. If you want to live like that then go ahead, but with your eyes open.

Sunflower 27

This may be not something she can just stop. She may actually need some professional help to get to the bottom of why she lies to the extent she does.

I would suggest a very frank conversation and letting her know that while you are prepared to give this is a go, you are NOT a pushover.

The root cause of her behaviour needs to be sussed out. It could be that she has self esteem issues and lies/embellishes things to make herself feel better.

Whatever the reason, it will not be a happy future for you if you are with someone you can't trust

Fakediamond

How do you know she wasn't lying when she told you she won't lie to you again? And how do you know who she really is if she lies all the time? You could actually be falling for a "fake profile".

Go on holidays with her and enjoy yourself, but I'd be wary of planning future a with her, or revealing too much more about yourself, until you know more about her. The more of your inner thoughts she knows, the more she can become exactly the girl she knows you go for, by telling her little lies. How will you ever know the real her?

Estrellita

professore wrote: »

Do women never talk to each other about who they have slept with? You might be surprised to learn that a lot of guys don't boast to each other about "riding" each other's girlfriends - the kind of guys who do that are not great boyfriend material.
.

I've written that taking a guess roughly at their age group. I'm going to assume that as a person matures there would be more cop on than to be going about boasting ones conquests..

As for me, no I have never boasted or given descriptions of my time with a man. My view is that it is nobodies business bar mine and the male involved. I find it a little uncouth, but each to their own. I cannot speak for other women.