Relationship advice

LegacyUser

Hi there,
I'm going anonymous as this is fairly embarrassing to me.

I need some impartial advice on what to do with my current relationship. 10 years ago my wife moved back to Germany with our newborn baby. At the time this was meant to be a very temporary arrangement but as time went on she ended up staying there.

So, over the years I've traveled back and forth as much as I can to be with them. I'm paying off a mortgage in Ireland, I'm in full time employment and I support my wife and son in Germany.

Throughout the years, family and friends have told me to move on and find someone else. Basically they think I've been used.

I actually love my wife and will always support her but I'm lately beginning to think that maybe it is time to move on - I'm on my own all the time and it can get a bit much at times.

So, just looking for some impartial advice from men and women on whether I should call it a day.

Thanks.

meeeeh

Wouldn't you look for work there and move to Germany? Unless there is more to it, it seems the handiest solution.

Ursus Horribilis

Have you ever sat down and had a serious conversation with your wife over this? You don't need me to tell you that when a couple from different countries gets together, someone's going to have to make the sacrifice and live abroad. From what I can see, she's in Germany for keeps now (maybe that was always her plan?) and you're the one with the decision to make. Did you ever look into you moving to Germany? If not, is there any chance she'll move to Ireland? It's a horrible situation to be in but it's not something that can go on indefinitely. Maybe you might write down the pros and cons of keeping things the way they are, splitting up or you moving over?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice, really appreciate it.

We've talked a lot about this, she is there for good now - she's admitted that she's not moving back ever. I'm annoyed over this, and have said it that there was very little discussion about her leaving with my son.

For the last 10 years, when I visit, she chooses to sleep in a separate bed - sex really doesn't happen and is fairly rare between us.

Having said all that, I've seriously thought about moving over - I don't know how I could financially do it. I'm tied to paying off a huge mortgage on a house which due to construction issues is effectively worth nothing and other commitments here(elderly parent).

I've mentioned recently the idea of separation and she gets really upset so there are some feelings still there.

Big Bag of Chips

Have you two ever discussed living together again?

skankkuvhima

OP, she left you. You are no longer part of a loving healthy marriage. Why has no one else said this?

The Princess Bride

Really_need_advice wrote: »

For the last 10 years, when I visit, she chooses to sleep in a separate bed - sex really doesn't happen and is fairly rare between us.

I've mentioned recently the idea of separation and she gets really upset so there are some feelings still there.

I don't know how something " very temporary" ended up as a 10 years later scenario.

She might have feelings, but if you've been sleeping apart for a decade, they're obviously not the feelings most want from a spouse.

Time for a serious discussion.

silverharp

you are being taken for a ride OP, I don't know what it except that you are useful to her but its not a marriage.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you need to go and talk to a solicitor before you say anything. Find out what your rights are and where you stand legally. Sorry to say but your marriage seems to be over. That your wife isn't even letting you sleep in the same bed says it all...

Big Bag of Chips

Really_need_advice wrote: »

I've mentioned recently the idea of separation and she gets really upset so there are some feelings still there.

Is she upset at the thought of losing her marriage, which doesn't seem to exist anymore, or is she upset at the thoughts of losing the level of financial support that you have been providing her with.

She doesn't get to call all the shots. She moved to Germany, took your child, doesn't have any sort of intimate relationship with you, yet doesn't want you to end the marriage.

What do you want? Because that actually counts for something too. If you want to continue like this, fair enough. If it's working for you both. But it's not working for you, so something has to change.

woodchuck

OP I was going to suggest that one of you needs to move to make this work, until I read this:

Really_need_advice wrote: »

For the last 10 years, when I visit, she chooses to sleep in a separate bed - sex really doesn't happen and is fairly rare between us.

I'm sorry, but it sounds like your marriage is already over

You deserve the chance of a healthy and happy relationship - 10 years is already too long to have kept up the charade. A difficult conversation is needed, but any upset she may express can't possibly be from the point of view of her thinking you both currently have a good relationship - she'd more likely be worried about the financial situation and/or the embarrassment of having a failed marriage I'd bet.

Mr. Incognito

You have been living apart for ten years.

You will qualify for a Divorce.

Speak to your wife.

Speak to a Family Law Solicitor and arrange a Divorce. You will then get a Court order which will give you tax relief on your maintenance payments.

dixiefly

OP, I agree with the others - she has checked out of the marriage.

If it was a genuine marriage / relationship then there would be intimacy when ye do meet up.

Are you sure that she is not with someone else? Do you pre-warn her of your visits?

I never suggest a private investigator but in this case I think that you should check what she is up to the rest of the time. Or if you have the time, take off and check out what is happening there yourself or at least arrive unexpectedly.

Does the child even call you daddy?

rondog

OP you are being taken for a ride as other posters have said.My friend was in a very similar situation.His Wife moved back to her eastern European country.He was paying for the mortgage in a very nice neighbourhood in a house the wife had right beside her parents.He visited when he could but there was no intimacy.He was basically funding her lifestyle and she used him for over 2 years.She would cry tears if he suggested ending things so he became guilty and then continued with the relationship.Things went back to the way they were.
She was actually seeing another man from her town for a year and he was bankrolling her dates.
OP-end this relationsip NOW.Get out of paying for that ridiculous mortgage ad find some that you will be happy/intimate with.You will be much happier.
My friend finally saw the light,cut her out and is with someone who he really loves ....He also has a lot less stress and a lot more money.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I've had a very difficult conversation with my wife - she was devastated...she does love me, just not enough to be with me in Ireland. I genuinely don't think she was with anyone else -you never know, but I honestly don't think she would be the type to do that.


I don't know how this is going to work with my son. He's very sensitive and this is the type of thing which could badly affect him. For him to see me with another lady would traumatize him.

I'll see how the next few days go.

Thanks

beertons

Do you send her money frequently?

LegacyUser

yeah, I send over money each month, I always have done. I'll continue to do this for my son. When I said sex was rare, it was about 4/5 times a year. I'd imagine for a couple in their early 40s that maybe this is usual???

Maybe with time things will settle down, for my sons sake I want to stay friends with my wife.

Ursus Horribilis

I still think you could do with some legal advice. You don't have to act on what you're told but it's useful to have should you need it. Once she gets over the shock of what has happened and starts to think, things could change for the worst. I should also think that if she starts to talking to people about this, they'll have their own opinions to offer her. These situations have the potential to turn very sour.

Dial Hard

Really_need_advice wrote:

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I've had a very difficult conversation with my wife - she was devastated...she does love me, just not enough to be with me in Ireland.

But not enough to be sexually intimate with you when you visit?

OP, you're being made a fool of here. She's had *everything* on her terms your entire relationship. Of course she's going to be "devastated" when it looks like the status quo might be about to change.

I really think you need to sort this situation out sooner rather than later. And as for your son being affected if he sees you with anothet woman? Children cope, he won't be the first or last child who's had to deal with their parents breaking up. He's hardly even seen you with his mother as it is.

beertons

Stop sending her money. Talk to a solicitor.

Big Bag of Chips

I wouldn't advise you to stop sending money, but I would advise you to only send maintenance for your son. Not his entire costs for a month, but a portion of what it costs to maintain him. Speak to a solicitor.

I agree that this has the potential to turn sour very quickly. Even if you don't believe she would, when people are faced with changes they don't like they tend to resist them. Has she come back to Ireland much over the 10 years? Does she bring your son to see you? Does your son have a relationship with your family? She should at least be doing 50% of the travel, if not more as she was the one to move away.

You need to speak to a family law solicitor as a matter of urgency. Don't think of it as getting one up on her. But think of it as getting all your information together. A marriage is a legal agreement. To dissolve that agreement you need a legal professional. Even if you just get information from a solicitor for now without actually proceeding with anything it would be worth your while to have an idea of what will be coming.

The solicitor will advise you, but at the end of the day works for you. So if they advise something that you're not keen on then you don't have to go through with it.

Speak to a solicitor.