Late people

LegacyUser

I have an issue with my sisters who often turn up considerably late for things and usually just fire a text well after the time they should have arrived, and never bother to apologise for being late.

The other day one of them was having a meal in a local etaurant to celebrate something of hers. Id been up pretty much all night with the baby who was ill and didnt particularly feel like going but I said Id go along with my 2 year old child out of courtesy.
On the way to the restuarant she phones me to say they're all running late and would I go to the restaurant and hold the table til they arrived. I told her that I wouldnt be doing that as it was a bit unfair on a 2 year old to be sitting for a long time in a restaurant waiting for people when its tough enough going with a small child at the best of times.

Personally if I arrange to meet someone at a particular time I would make sure Im on time and if not id give them a buzz to explain and apologise for being late. I find people who are happy to keep you waiting all the time for no reason to be extremely selfish.

I was thinking of putting my feelings down on an email and sending to them. Is this a good idea?

leggo

I mean...you could do that? But it likely wouldn't change much and the method is only going to make things tense/awkward. Lateness is one of those things better handled with a face-to-face conversation, either slagging or brought up seriously (but not confrontationally) depending on how inconvenienced you actually were, versus just how irritated.

I get it. I totally do. I'm a punctual person and absolutely loathe when people keep me waiting without a valid excuse. It even sealed the fate of one ex when she continually kept me waiting for her on dates, it's that big of a deal to me.

Truthfully, though, the only thing I've found that makes a meaningful difference long-term is to plan around someone's unreliability. So the old trick of telling them to meet a half hour early so their lateness will be counteracted, never relying on them one-to-one, telling them to text you when they're leaving rather than doing a set time, stuff like that. It's a pain but it's the price they force you to pay when they're telling you that this is the kind of person they are, if you have to keep them in your life.

December2012

Don't send an email. It won't work!

Either don't meet them, or meet them when they are already there. Alternatively just leave

retro:electro

Eh.. am I alone in thinking you're totally over reacting? Would you not just have minded the table til she got there for her bday or whatever it was? Sure you'd have your baby with you either way- I don't get the issue. You're not the same op that posted here several times with issues about her sisters, are you?
Sure, lateness is rude- but they have no clue that it bothers you this much because you have never told them. Do they have kids? I always add 30mins on to whatever time my sister tells me as I know realistically, with two kids, she'll be late.

SusieBlue

Are you not the person who has repeatedly posted in this forum with issues with her sisters over the last couple of weeks?

Have you taken none of the advice in all of those threads on board?

It all sounds extremely familiar, apart from the 2yr old.

rainbowtrout

anna080 wrote: »

Eh.. am I alone in thinking you're totally over reacting? Would you not just have minded the table til she got there for her bday or whatever it was? Sure you'd have your baby with you either way- I don't get the issue. You're not the same op that posted here several times with issues about her sisters, are you?
Sure, lateness is rude- but they have no clue that it bothers you this much because you have never told them. Do they have kids? I always add 30mins on to whatever time my sister tells me as I know realistically, with two kids, she'll be late.

There are people who are late due to unforeseen circumstances and that can't be helped, it happens to everyone at some stage. And then there are those who are late simply because they don't value your time, and can't be arsed being on time and it sounds like the sister falls into that category. I don't think the OP is overreacting at all. Those people are well capable of being on time when they want to be, they don't miss flights, they can get to work on time etc.


OP, you have two choices: you can factor your sister's lateness into your meet-ups by giving her a time half an hour earlier than you plan to meet her so she will be there on time, or you can be straight with her the next time you plan to meet and tell her to be there on time and if she isn't (within reason) then up and leave

retro:electro

rainbowtrout wrote: »

There are people who are late due to unforeseen circumstances and that can't be helped, it happens to everyone at some stage. And then there are those who are late simply because they don't value your time, and can't be arsed being on time and it sounds like the sister falls into that category. I don't think the OP is overreacting at all. Those people are well capable of being on time when they want to be, they don't miss flights, they can get to work on time etc.


OP, you have two choices: you can factor your sister's lateness into your meet-ups by giving her a time half an hour earlier than you plan to meet her so she will be there on time, or you can be straight with her the next time you plan to meet and tell her to be there on time and if she isn't (within reason) then up and leave

If this is the poster I think it is, she thinks her sisters are conspiring against her for the silliest of things.
Sure being late is annoying, but life isn't black and white and with kids thrown in the mix, life gets in the way. The op said the sister usually texts that she'll be late so, for me anyway, that's courteous enough.
This seemed to be a birthday or some kind of occasion for her sister, so taking this case in isolation, I think it's bad form she didn't just mind the table.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the comments and advice.

Firstly I'm not the other person who is having issues with her sisters.

Secondly, if this was a one-off I wouldnt be making a big deal of it, but its not. Last week I got a text in the morning from the sister I mentioned saying she wanted to call over with my mother at 11.30-12 as they had something on in the afternoon. I had intended to bring my daughter to mass but wasnt that important so said sure, come on over. At about 12.10 I get a text say theyre running late and will be there in 20 minutes, and now the other sister is going to bring mum over instead. I text back saying thats ok, but bit inconsiderate of them. She sends back a dismissive text and when mum and 2nd sister arrive neither of them says eg "sorry we're a bit late" or asked was it a problem for me, even though they knew i was a bit annoyed.

Also I regularly bring my 2 girls to visit the first sister in particular at her request whereas she virtually never returns the visits. So I was a bit annoyed that when she wouldnt even pick up the phone and say "how are the girls? sorry i cant make it today".

It was really these 2 things happening on top of each other that made me decide to address the issue now. Obviously none of this is a matter of life and death and Im so busy with my own family and work that If im not on the best of terms with sisters its not something that would cause me to lose sleep. But Im not going to allow myself and my family be disrespected by anybody.

LegacyUser

anna080 wrote: »

Eh.. am I alone in thinking you're totally over reacting? Would you not just have minded the table til she got there for her bday or whatever it was? Sure you'd have your baby with you either way- I don't get the issue. You're not the same op that posted here several times with issues about her sisters, are you?
Sure, lateness is rude- but they have no clue that it bothers you this much because you have never told them. Do they have kids? I always add 30mins on to whatever time my sister tells me as I know realistically, with two kids, she'll be late.[/Q

No, not that person.

Yes, they do have a clue it bothers me-see above.

I dont know if you have children but with my 2 year old you get a certain amount of time with her in a restaurant before she starts to get restless. So if you're there in the restaurant for at least half an hour before anyone else arrives the 2 year old is going to be there at least an hour before any food arrives. As I said not the end of the world but it definitely makes your experience a bit more difficult-my point is that someone could give you a call to let you know before you left home-its what i would do even if the other person wasnt going along with a toddler

December2012

Yougogirl wrote: »

Thanks for the comments and advice.

Firstly I'm not the other person who is having issues with her sisters.

Secondly, if this was a one-off I wouldnt be making a big deal of it, but its not. Last week I got a text in the morning from the sister I mentioned saying she wanted to call over with my mother at 11.30-12 as they had something on in the afternoon. I had intended to bring my daughter to mass but wasnt that important so said sure, come on over. At about 12.10 I get a text say theyre running late and will be there in 20 minutes, and now the other sister is going to bring mum over instead. I text back saying thats ok, but bit inconsiderate of them. She sends back a dismissive text and when mum and 2nd sister arrive neither of them says eg "sorry we're a bit late" or asked was it a problem for me, even though they knew i was a bit annoyed.
[\quote]

Well was it ok or not? She told you, you said ok.

If it's not okay then say no.

Don't say "it's ok but inconsiderate".

Were you going out or were you going to be at home anyway? I don't see what the big deal is if you weren't doing something else. If you wanted to go to mass you should have gone to mass.

Hannibal_Smith

I feel your pain OP. I really do. My mother and my brother are ALWAYS late. It is so annoying. Yet if you're late for them they have the audacity to complain. I have started giving them a false time. If we're meeting at 2, I'll say 1 and then they're bang on time.

It was my kid's birthday the other week and my mother asked me what time, they needed to be here at, it was in our house so no big deal if they're late. But I told my mum, say 3 o'clock, and she said, well you know me I'll be there about 5! In my mind I'm thinking, why not just be there at 3??

It was always awkward when we were going somewhere like a restaurant, especially when the kids were younger.

Anyhow, if they give you a time aim to be 30 mins later.

Teyla Emmagan

They are taking you for granted OP. You are not "important" enough to be on time for. They know from experience you will just put up with their tardiness. You need to retrain them. "I'll be home but only for an hour as I have to go out". " I can come but I need to leave by 11". "Oh you're late? Sorry I have to go, [x] is tired". " I couldn't wait any longer so I left". I wouldn't send out an email, they will just see you as being the one with the problem. Just stop taking their BS.

mahamageehad

To be fair, as a habitually late person myself, people just tell me an earlier time. If they're meeting at 2pm, they tell me 1:30pm. On the rare occasion I'm on time, I'm happy to wait on them for once. I don't accept that it's because I think my time is more important that theirs, I was born late and I've been catching up ever since. Can you not try that?

blairbear

I refuse to believe that people just "can't help" being late.

If they were having surgery at 9am, and HAD to be at the hospital at 7am, would they be late?

If David Bowie (or some other ridiculously famous star) rose from the dead and was giving a concert at 8pm, would they rock up at 9?

Are they late for work every single day? Do they tell their bosses "ah sure I was just born late. That's just me"?!

I sincerely doubt it, for all of the above. These people can be on time when they want to be.

Just get ready earlier. Leave sooner. I would hate to think I was being managed and babied by friends and family and given fake times for events cos I couldn't be an adult and get places on time.

I had a friend who would tell me she was in the taxi en route to nights out when she hadn't even started doing her make up. I turned up 40 mins late on purpose once and was still waiting in a bar by myself for an hour. I just had to stop going places with her. It caused me too much stress.

Habitual lateness is draining. I don't blame you for your frustrations at all, OP. Especially in the situation with your 2 year old. I would have ordered her food in that case though. But I suppose you thought your sister was going to show up "any minute" and not be as late as she was.

SarahMollie

Its a hard one OP, because there are a certain cohort of people for whom time is just of very little consequence and there is no changing them.

My aunt and cousin are both like this. If they're invited somewhere for 7, you know you won't see them before 7.30. So we just plan and act accordingly, always shifting times slightly so minimise out wait times. Yes its annoying but with age I've come to the realisation that this is just part of who they are and that no amount of me giving out (regardless of being in the right) is going to change them, they are just fundamentally late people.

amtc

I wonder if it's a hangover from being fashionably late? I know myself if invited to a party it's not the done thing to arrive on time.

However in this instance when it's repeated I'd say something. Also if they asked you to keep the table, it's obvious they knew the time to be there. You will be seen as nagging but it's better than stress on you. And hopefuĺly will sort out the issue.

I was late for my Holy Communion and for the christening of my god child as my mother is constantly late (I was too young for either obviously to get there under own steam). Someone said to her recently that it's a sign of disrespect and now she's always unbelievably early...which in its own way can be just as irritating. She's in a bad humour for being left waiting even when I'm on time! She's taken to quoting that punctuality is the politeness of princes.

So say something...but not over email...unless that how you normally communicate?

Would it be worthwhile asking your mother to have a word? I guess If your sister was bringing her she doesn't drive so could she say being late made her uncomfortable.

woodchuck

OP we all know people like this. Yes, it's annoying. But you kind of just have to learn to accept that it's who they are and learn to accept it. Although you shouldn't have to, you could take on the suggestion of telling them to be somewhere a half an hour earlier than needed or show up late yourself.

For what it's worth, I don't think these people do it on purpose or intend to be disrespectful. Some people just seem to be very bad at time management. With work you get into a routine so it's easy enough to be on time, but with social plans it's usually different locations, different days, different times of day etc each time. Some people just under estimate how long it will take to get there if they're not familiar with the route etc. I'm the opposite and usually arrive ridiculously early! I wouldn't take it personally though.

Also does this person have kids? They might not appreciate what it's like. Holding a table at a restaurant seems like a reasonable enough request to me (within reason). But I don't have kids, so it wouldn't even occur to me that a 20min wait for a small child is a big deal tbh! As for the thing with mass... did they know you were cancelling other plans? Nobody is a mind reader.

Flibble

Really, this is the kind of thing that will only annoy you if you let it, OP. Some people are just awful time keepers.

Just put your own boundaries on it- like others are saying, tell them 30mins before the real meet up time.

Another one that I find quite effective is designating a set amount of time in your head that you'd be happy to give to them. So, for example, when they arranged to come to the house at 11.30/12, you could decide you have 2 hours for them & you have to leave at 2pm to go do something else. Then if they don't arrive until 1.30, you still leave at 2.

'sorry guys, I have to kick ye out at 2, I was expecting you earlier. Like I said I have to go do X'.

Keep it non-confrontational & cheery, you don't want it to be 'god she's in a fierce mood' you want them to start taking mental notes that you now mean what you say & that the 'bookends' either side of a prearranged meetup are solid & not fluid.

Plus, it reduces stress on you, as they're not taking over your whole day, just the amount you were happy to give anyway.

SB_Part2

My OH is/was like this. I tried two approaches and the situation has improved.

1. Tell him I'd be leaving without him if he wasn't there and followed through on this.
2. When he arrived late to collect me for our anniversary dinner that was at say, 7.30 and he was at my house at 7.20, I hadn't even started getting ready. The drive was about 30mins so there was no way we were going to make it on time. He got a taste of his own medicine and didn't like it one bit.

It has improved the situation. I still sometimes say we need to be somewhere 30-45mins earlier.

Teyla Emmagan

blairbear wrote:

If they were having surgery at 9am, and HAD to be at the hospital at 7am, would they be late?

I refuse to believe that people just "can't help" being late.

I agree completely. Of course such people are on time for anything important (appointments, job interviews, work). The rest of the time they're just not making an effort.

mahamageehad

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

I agree completely. Of course such people are on time for anything important (appointments, job interviews, work). The rest of the time they're just not making an effort.

Again, I'll respectfully disagree. I'm also often late for work, appointments and even turned up late to the occasional interview.

Plus, it has been theorized that people that are often late experience time differently. I.e. Put a habitually late and early person in separate rooms with no clocks, and ask them to do a task for say 20 minutes and to press a bell when they think 20 minutes have passed. There were clear differences between how different groups of people estimated time. Link (potential paywall) https://www.wsj.com/articles/we-know-why-youre-always-late-1422900180

Anyways, that's off topic. OP, I agree with the advice about giving them a set amount of time. I also think that you need to be clearer that this is annoying you, tell them straight out. The Irish way is usually to sidestep the issue, next time just say, no it's not ok, I need to leave shortly/feed my child/whatever excuse.

jackofalltrades

In my experience people are habitually late because they can get away with it.
Had similar issues with a friend, he used to turn up late all the time.
And this was before mobile phones, so you'd be sitting in a pub on your own wondering what was going on.
Confronted him about it and now he's a lot better with time keeping.
Also leaving if people aren't there on time/slightly late is another good way of getting the message across.

I don't bother making plans with the constantly late anymore, it's not worth the stress.

helimachoptor

December2012 wrote: »

Don't send an email. It won't work!

Either don't meet them, or meet them when they are already there. Alternatively just leave

Give them a grace period then leave.

My wifes sisters are late for everything and i mean everything, one turned up late to her own birthday dinner.. 2 hours late.. "where are you" eh we're in the pub, we had dinner.

So now I say if there arent there within 15 mins of the agreed time (they have no kids) then we leave

finbarrk

mahamageehad wrote: »

To be fair, as a habitually late person myself, people just tell me an earlier time. If they're meeting at 2pm, they tell me 1:30pm. On the rare occasion I'm on time, I'm happy to wait on them for once. I don't accept that it's because I think my time is more important that theirs, I was born late and I've been catching up ever since. Can you not try that?

Why can't you just be there on time? I can't understand how people can be so disrespectful to be late constantly. Understandably, there will be an odd occasion when it happens due to circumstances.

skallywag

mahamageehad wrote: »

Again, I'll respectfully disagree. I'm also often late for work, appointments and even turned up late to the occasional interview

I'd respectfully suggest that you don't know the meaning of the word respect.

OP, I also have a very low tolerance for those who are persistently late. It's a very Irish thing, since I've moved away it's few and far between that people do not turn up at the arranged time.

GingerLily

In some groups of friends I'm considered the late person in others I'm considered punctual and am usually waiting on them.

I try not to lose the rag over people being being late, life's too short!

mahamageehad

finbarrk wrote: »

Why can't you just be there on time? I can't understand how people can be so disrespectful to be late constantly. Understandably, there will be an odd occasion when it happens due to circumstances.

Because the world won't end if I'm not on time? I don't see it as a big deal, no point in stressing myself out and rushing about. If someone said very clearly that it upset them, I'd listen but most people don't care.

I wanted to offer a different viewpoint to the OP to explain why they need to be clearer about their annoyance and stricter about leaving after a certain amount of time. I don't need to be bloody attacked for offering a different viewpoint so I'm out.

leggo

mahamageehad wrote: »

Because the world won't end if I'm not on time? I don't see it as a big deal, no point in stressing myself out and rushing about.

That's a really selfish viewpoint. They saw the time you agreed as a big deal and managed to sort themselves out to make it for then.

Teyla Emmagan

mahamageehad wrote:

Because the world won't end if I'm not on time? I don't see it as a big deal, no point in stressing myself out and rushing about. If someone said very clearly that it upset them, I'd listen but most people don't care.

Oh so, it's not that your brain works differently and you have a different concept of time anymore. The truth is you're just not arsed putting yourself out by having to be punctual.

Most people do really care about habitual lateness in my experience!!

I'm glad you're not my friend anyway.

SB_Part2

leggo wrote: »

That's a really selfish viewpoint. They saw the time you agreed as a big deal and managed to sort themselves out to make it for then.

I agree. Being late means you don't value the other person's time.

bmwguy

Habitually late is not an illness or a part of anyone's make-up. It's just they can't or won't plan for things they don't see as important. I am punctual because I respect if others are going out of their way to meet me or we have plans I will be there when I say I will be there. Late people are not late for work for example, or late to an event that starts at a particular time, I.e. football match, cinema etc.
Late people value their time more than yours. I know loads of them. Same people would be the ones to ask a favour, like a lift somewhere, which I would normally do but would always find themselves too busy to return a favour.

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Eric Cartman

finbarrk wrote: »

Why can't you just be there on time? I can't understand how people can be so disrespectful to be late constantly. Understandably, there will be an odd occasion when it happens due to circumstances.

Traffic, an accident happening, previous engagements running over. It's why delivery / repair / utility workers all have 'will be with you between this 4-8 hour time band'

sometimes meetings, calls, etc.. take longer than you think. You have 2 choices in the way to approach this , 1 is to put in a lot of extra time between engagements so you're always on time / early or option 2 is try work to best estimates and accept that you'll be late to things. If its a personal capacity then option 1 might make people feel better, but you'll lose 2-3 hours out of your day waiting around or being early. If its a business thing, option 2 is the only way to go unless you want to keep losing money.

Vojera

Eric Cartman wrote: »

Traffic, an accident happening, previous engagements running over.

All those things can happen to anyone once in a while, but that's not what the OP is talking about. Chronic lateness is so disrespectful and frustrating.

OP, there are a few members of my wife's family who are like this - saying they're on the way when they're only getting in the shower, holding up a dinner party of 18 people for almost an hour and then getting annoyed when we ordered for them - and honestly, you'll never change them and you'll only break your heart trying. The only way I've found to manage is to give them fake starting times for everything and not to rely on them for anything important because they'll only let me down.

I definitely wouldn't send an email on this. If you want to tell them you're fed up of them behaving that way, in person or via a phonecall is the way to go. And don't be afraid to get up and leave and tell then that you have other things going on in your life than waiting around for them.

Big Bag of Chips

I'm always late for something that isn't necessary to have a definite start time. If a group are meeting in a pub for 8:30. It could be 10 before I get there... But nobody is waiting for me. If I'm meeting someone for a definite time I do my best to be there, can sometimes be 10/15 minutes late as I'm awful at calculating how long it will really take me to get ready, get out the door and get there. I'm improving though.

I was on time for my wedding. Bang on time, and was asked to do a block because my new sister-in-law wasn't there yet. I still regret that I didn't carry on without her. She had no part in the ceremony!! Same sister-in-law turned up late for her other brother's wedding. Her son was page boy and had gotten ready with the men that morning. That bride carried on regardless rather than wait for her. She spent the day giving out that she never got to see her son walk up the aisle. As if it was someone else's fault.

I'm terrible with time management. Terrible. I almost always leave myself stressed and rushing. But if it's something important, or something where my lateness will be noticed or affect someone else I will do my best to get there.

All you can do, OP, is please yourself. If you have to leave, leave. If you don't believe the person will show up on time, don't show up on time either, or ask them to text you when they are on the road. People saying it's unfair, rude, inconsiderate etc isn't actually going to make a difference to your sister! You could probably tell her that yourself and tell her in future you will wait 10 mins, no longer. It might make her make more of an effort. Or it might not. If it doesn't then you amend yourself to fit in with her. You either don't meet up with her, or you acknowledge that she will be late. Wishing and thinking someone should be something never makes them so! So advising you on what your sister should do is pointless. People can only advise you on how YOU handle the situation with your sister.

SarahMollie

Vojera wrote: »

All those things can happen to anyone once in a while, but that's not what the OP is talking about. Chronic lateness is so disrespectful and frustrating.

OP, there are a few members of my wife's family who are like this - saying they're on the way when they're only getting in the shower, holding up a dinner party of 18 people for almost an hour and then getting annoyed when we ordered for them - and honestly, you'll never change them and you'll only break your heart trying. The only way I've found to manage is to give them fake starting times for everything and not to rely on them for anything important because they'll only let me down.

I definitely wouldn't send an email on this. If you want to tell them you're fed up of them behaving that way, in person or via a phonecall is the way to go. And don't be afraid to get up and leave and tell then that you have other things going on in your life than waiting around for them.

This is the crux of it though - some people are chronically late despite everyone telling them off and employing various tactics to try to manage their lateness. Trying to change someone like this is like trying to push water up a hill. Logically, these people are absolutely in the wrong, and lateness is all the things that everyone said - rude, disrespectful etc... but regardless of this some people (often very nice people) are chronically late.

I'm not for a moment condoning the behaviour, merely acknowledging that some people would break your heart trying to change their behaviour, and its not worth putting yourself through that and being stressed about it. Far better to just put yourself first and don't depend on such people.

My cousin is one of these people and I probably don't see as much of her as I otherwise would, but her lateness drives me mad. I've learned not to inconvenience myself for her (because I'd always be disappointed) and now its much better. Shes still late for everything of course, but I no longer offer her lifts places or arrange to meet her on her own very much. If we're going somewhere, she can call on me rather than the other way around because at least that way I'm at home, rather than sitting in my car outside her house. Much less stressful. I just don't view her as someone I can depend on, because I've accepted that she's highly unlikely to change her ways at this stage in her life.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your advice-to both sides of the argument. I can see Im not the only one with a strong opinion on the issue. Just to clarify, it wasnt necessarily the lateness that annoyed me in the 2 occasions I mentioned, it was more the fact that they knew they were probably never going to be there at the arranged time and made no effort to let me know earlier-which they could have done- that they were running late, which would have made it easier for me to adjust my plans.

Also, I sent a text msg to my sister and mother to outline the reasons for my annoyance. I know people advised me to do it in person or in a phone call but I wasnt going to be in the same room as both for a while, didnt fancy organising a meeting just for this but mainly because i find it easier when i have a grievance to put it in writing than doing it verbally- sometimes you forget an important bit, or if the person starts interrupting it can become a slanging match befor youve had a chance to say your piece etc. Anyway they both took a major huff but Im still very happy that I did it. As i say im not asking anyone to do anything for me that i wouldnt do for them.

gline

mahamageehad wrote: »

Plus, it has been theorized that people that are often late experience time differently. I.e. Put a habitually late and early person in separate rooms with no clocks, and ask them to do a task for say 20 minutes and to press a bell when they think 20 minutes have passed. There were clear differences between how different groups of people estimated time. Link (potential paywall) https://www.wsj.com/articles/we-know-why-youre-always-late-1422900180

Even if this was true, it just means some would need to look at their watch more than others to be on time. There is no excuse for being habitually late.

What I've noticed with some people, they have routines they go through before heading it, which is fine. However they will not alter them, even when running late, like instead of saying "im running late, i dont have time to wash my hair", they will just plough on with their full routine and keep people waiting, refusing to 'put themselves out'.

It really does just come down to them feeling their time is more precious and not caring if people are waiting on them.

I find it hillarious that these people would rather be lied to about the meetup time like a child that has no control over getting their bodies to a place on time. Also it is true, if they have to be at a place on time e.g. employment, they can be on time, which says it all really.

My advice for OP is to get tougher with your family, make it known that you value your time and will not waste it waiting on people. The comment made here about life being too short to be loosing the rag over late people, I would reverse that and say, lifes too short to waste waiting for late people and for wasting on people that dont value you enough to bother to be on time

suicide_circus

I think there is a certain element of narcissism or at least an inability to empathize with others in those who are routinely late. as previously pointed out, these people aren't late for work every day or don't turn up late for an interview. its simply a lack of respect and consideration for the other person/people. its an awful trait.

happyday

mahamageehad wrote: »

To be fair, as a habitually late person myself, people just tell me an earlier time. If they're meeting at 2pm, they tell me 1:30pm. On the rare occasion I'm on time, I'm happy to wait on them for once. I don't accept that it's because I think my time is more important that theirs, I was born late and I've been catching up ever since. Can you not try that?

Only reading this thread now. I tried that with my friend who couldn't be on time to save her life but she soon copped on and is just later again so what do I do next apart from dump her as a friend?

mahamageehad

happyday wrote: »

Only reading this thread now. I tried that with my friend who couldn't be on time to save her life but she soon copped on and is just later again so what do I do next apart from dump her as a friend?

I hadn't planned to come back to this thread as the level of judgement and disregard for alternate opinions is high, but as you've specifically addressed me, I'll try and answer. Yes, once a habitually late person starts assuming you're giving them a cushion of time, they'll start working that in so they'll get later. Similar thing with people who snooze alarms consistently in the morning- the put them on earlier to get up earlier but just become used to snoozing them. I'd say there's a fair overlap between those groups. In this situation, there's two ways to approach it imo- by talking or by doing. First, you could have an honest talk with your friend. Sit him or her down and say, look, everytime you do this it's really upsetting for me and it's making me not want to meet you anymore. Irish people in general (except in this forum of course :rolleyes:) have a bit of an issue with face to face confrontation and expect others to pick up on their annoyance via subtle hints or sarcastic comments. The other option is a bit more extreme, but very effective. You agree to meet your friend at 2pm. Tell them it's important they're on time. You wait til like 2:15pm and then you leave if they haven't arrived. Text or whatever when you leave. Obviously the timings may vary here but you want to wait enough time that you're sure they've already left the house and are on the way. It's harsher, but once they realize you're not going to enable their lateness, they'll try harder. It won't work 100% of the time, late people will always find ways to be late, but it'll defo put the boot up and make them understand that you won't tolerate it. If they don't make some better efforts after that, it'd be worth reexamining the friendship to see if other things are amiss.

happyday

bmwguy wrote: »

Habitually late is not an illness or a part of anyone's make-up. It's just they can't or won't plan for things they don't see as important. I am punctual because I respect if others are going out of their way to meet me or we have plans I will be there when I say I will be there. Late people are not late for work for example, or late to an event that starts at a particular time, I.e. football match, cinema etc.
Late people value their time more than yours. I know loads of them. Same people would be the ones to ask a favour, like a lift somewhere, which I would normally do but would always find themselves too busy to return a favour.

Some of my in laws arrive at family gatherings about 2 hours late. I think they like to make an entrance and like knowing that people are wondering where they are or even if they are coming at all. It's completely disrespectful to the family hosting the event. Selfishness personified.

happyday

mahamageehad wrote: »

I hadn't planned to come back to this thread as the level of judgement and disregard for alternate opinions is high, but as you've specifically addressed me, I'll try and answer. Yes, once a habitually late person starts assuming you're giving them a cushion of time, they'll start working that in so they'll get later. Similar thing with people who snooze alarms consistently in the morning- the put them on earlier to get up earlier but just become used to snoozing them. I'd say there's a fair overlap between those groups. In this situation, there's two ways to approach it imo- by talking or by doing. First, you could have an honest talk with your friend. Sit him or her down and say, look, everytime you do this it's really upsetting for me and it's making me not want to meet you anymore. Irish people in general (except in this forum of course :rolleyes:) have a bit of an issue with face to face confrontation and expect others to pick up on their annoyance via subtle hints or sarcastic comments. The other option is a bit more extreme, but very effective. You agree to meet your friend at 2pm. Tell them it's important they're on time. You wait til like 2:15pm and then you leave if they haven't arrived. Text or whatever when you leave. Obviously the timings may vary here but you want to wait enough time that you're sure they've already left the house and are on the way. It's harsher, but once they realize you're not going to enable their lateness, they'll try harder. It won't work 100% of the time, late people will always find ways to be late, but it'll defo put the boot up and make them understand that you won't tolerate it. If they don't make some better efforts after that, it'd be worth reexamining the friendship to see if other things are amiss.

Thanks for that. It will help some of the time. It often seems to happen that I call to my friends house to give them a lift or she calls for me to go somewhere together. It's very annoying when she's not ready when I call or turns up late for me because that means she's making me late as well. I know at this stage she won't change and the good points outweigh this so I've learned to live with it I suppose.

mahamageehad

happyday wrote: »

Some of my in laws arrive at family gatherings about 2 hours late. I think they like to make an entrance and like knowing that people are wondering where they are or even if they are coming at all. It's completely disrespectful to the family hosting the event. Selfishness personified.

Ok, there's late and there's ridiculous. 2 hours is far, far into ridiculous territory possibly with the exception of a do in a pub, where maybe an hour after the invite would be normal. Why do people still invite them to gatherings? Has anyone ever actually spoken to them about it, or is the family politics too high?

happyday wrote: »

Thanks for that. It will help some of the time. It often seems to happen that I call to my friends house to give them a lift or she calls for me to go somewhere together. It's very annoying when she's not ready when I call or turns up late for me because that means she's making me late as well. I know at this stage she won't change and the good points outweigh this so I've learned to live with it I suppose.

Yeah, if you're talking a 5-15 minutes here or there, that I can understand, especially is she's a good friend in other ways. If you're a person that lives by the watch though, I can see how it would be annoying. Again though, have you *actually* said anything to her about it? Next time try "I'd rather not collect you as the last 3 times you weren't ready and that made me late, which I hate." If she insists she'll be on time next time, then you'd be well within your rights to just leave when you said you would (giving 5 mins leeway if you feel generous) and let her make her own way there. You probably only need to put the foot down once or twice like this for her to reassess the boundaries. If you've already done that, and she hasn't changed, then as I said before you need to decide if you can live with that flaw.

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pl4ichjgy17zwd

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It takes me 2 hours to wash and dry my hair, but I do this strange thing where I take that into consideration when I have to be somewhere at a certain time!

helimachoptor

Danny Shapely Yak wrote: »

It takes me 2 hours to wash and dry my hair, but I do this strange thing where I take that into consideration when I have to be somewhere at a certain time!

yeah my sisters in law do this, "oh it takes ages to get ready" well yes you know that, so if you are to be somewhere at 8, start getting ready at 6, not at half 7.. and then yes they also blame "lack of taxis"

Tokyo

Mod:

As the OP has seemingly gotten the feedback they were looking for, and the thread is now heading down the path of becoming a discussion, thread closed.