In-Laws taking over the house

DeadlyByDesign

Hi all,

So I have been married for 7 years and recently we have had our first bundle of joy arrive (yay).

Now I don't know if the promotion to Fatherhood has triggered this but as of recently I have had it up to my eyeballs with boundaries in my house when the inlaws come to visit.

Now our house (for clarity sake), is not as clean as dentist surgery nor are we very "organized people" (my spouse and I), but every time we have the in law visit (a week or so in length), we do make a big effort to make the house as spotless as we can. However when they land in the door- the kitchen is taken over, cooking is done, laundry is done, things are moved, appliances are fixed etc etc.

Now I know to the outsider looking in this might be a"dream come true", with having your house work done etc, but I really feel like I revert back to being a 13 year old again and don't like certain rules/boundaries of the house being taken. There is always the underlying feeling that the way we organize ourselves is just not good enough, so they feel they have to fix it.

Anyone in this boat or any pearls of wisdom?

DeadlyByDesign

DeadlyByDesign wrote: »

Hi all,

So I have been married for 7 years and recently we have had our first bundle of joy arrive (yay).

Now I don't know if the promotion to Fatherhood has triggered this but as of recently I have had it up to my eyeballs with boundaries in my house when the inlaws come to visit.

Now our house (for clarity sake), is not as clean as dentist surgery nor are we very "organized people" (my spouse and I), but every time we have the in law visit (a week or so in length), we do make a big effort to make the house as spotless as we can. However when they land in the door- the kitchen is taken over, cooking is done, laundry is done, things are moved, appliances are fixed etc etc.

Now I know to the outsider looking in this might be a"dream come true", with having your house work done etc, but I really feel like I revert back to being a 13 year old again and don't like certain rules/boundaries of the house being taken. There is always the underlying feeling that the way we organize ourselves is just not good enough, so they feel they have to fix it.

Anyone in this boat or any pearls of wisdom?

For the bolded bit it's obvious. :pac:

As in many situations the first thing to do is actually speak to the people involved instead of internet people. They probably think they're doing you a favour (they are) and until there's some pushback they're going to assume you're happy with what they're doing.

irelandrover

Tell your partner how you feel about it. THey are her family so if she also has an issue with it then she should be the one to tell them.

Wossack

be grateful, the reverse is much worse.. (inlaws landing like tasmanian devils)

jester77

Just have it out with them. Been there, done that. Nothing more annoying than having to open every drawer to find something after they tried to help.

amcalester

Next time they arrive give them a list of chores to do.

Repeat this every time they arrive until either they say something to you or stop visiting.

DeadlyByDesign

amcalester wrote: »

Next time they arrive give them a list of chores to do.

Repeat this every time they arrive until either they say something to you or stop visiting.

Thats just a brilliant idea!

greencap

maybe next time stop it before it happens.

so before they're all like .... 'oh we must stop in and stay a week'.

you get there first with an invitation to go on a 3/4/5 day trip somewhere.


I've been looking and asking around, we must all go to ... wexford, brittany, lisbon, for a few days. I hear its wonderful there.


And yes, someone coming in a putting your place in order is basically them saying you're a filthbag, and that they own your home now.

Boom_Bap

The last time we had people staying over, I made sure to let them know from the minute they came in that I would be filling the dishwasher as I don't went to end up just refilling it after they do it.
It worked out very well and we started to joke about it, I think they also learned how to fill a dishwasher properly.

greencap

Boom_Bap wrote: »

The last time we had people staying over, I made sure to let them know from the minute they came in that I would be filling the dishwasher as I don't went to end up just refilling it after they do it.
It worked out very well and we started to joke about it, I think they also learned how to fill a dishwasher properly.

Thinly veiled 'I have a dishwasher don't you know'.

Boom_Bap

greencap wrote: »

Thinly veiled 'I have a dishwasher don't you know'.

I've never thinly veiled the ownership of my dishwasher.

biko

Talk with your partner about it.

The in-laws may just be the type of people that want to help out any way they can, and don't mean anything bad at all.

Mr. Incognito

Personal Issues Forum I think.

It's your house.

Maybe ask them to come over on the weekends only as a compromise.

A cleaner is very cheap these days and might give a bit of help where needed.

DeadlyByDesign

biko wrote: »

Talk with your partner about it.

The in-laws may just be the type of people that want to help out any way they can, and don't mean anything bad at all.

I agree completely but I also cant shake the "it's no to our standards", subtitle. Doing our dirt laundry for us nearly broke me.

bear1

DeadlyByDesign wrote: »

Hi all,

So I have been married for 7 years and recently we have had our first bundle of joy arrive (yay).

Now I don't know if the promotion to Fatherhood has triggered this but as of recently I have had it up to my eyeballs with boundaries in my house when the inlaws come to visit.

Now our house (for clarity sake), is not as clean as dentist surgery nor are we very "organized people" (my spouse and I), but every time we have the in law visit (a week or so in length), we do make a big effort to make the house as spotless as we can. However when they land in the door- the kitchen is taken over, cooking is done, laundry is done, things are moved, appliances are fixed etc etc.

Now I know to the outsider looking in this might be a"dream come true", with having your house work done etc, but I really feel like I revert back to being a 13 year old again and don't like certain rules/boundaries of the house being taken. There is always the underlying feeling that the way we organize ourselves is just not good enough, so they feel they have to fix it.

Anyone in this boat or any pearls of wisdom?

The thing is, minding a child will take every tiny bit of energy you have.
cleaning and fixing broken items will not be taken care of and then it just becomes an issue whereby the house being a mess will start to annoy both of you.
Were they like this before you had the child?

sunny2004

They wont be around forever, unless its a deal breaker, relax and let them help with some guidence from you and your other half

McDermotX

As with all these conundrums the solution is easy


Make a pass at her Mother.

pickarooney

I'd love to have some in laws to help out a bit.

Fr_Dougal

OP, whilst I don't live in filth myself, I think I have a solution.

You'll need to burn your house down.

AlanG

Quite often people do this as it makes them feel useful and not feel like freeloaders. They have probably come hoping to help with the baby and this is the only way they know how.

gramar

Any way you could get them to call over when you're not there?

daheff

Boom_Bap wrote: »

I've never thinly veiled the ownership of my dishwasher.

why would you put a veil on your dishwasher?? has it got a face as ugly a sin? :eek:
:cool:

DeadlyByDesign

Again, I have to stress, My house is not filthy, just not up pristine level of surgical cleanliness

daheff

DeadlyByDesign wrote: »

Again, I have to stress, My house is not filthy, just not up pristine level of surgical cleanliness

because you have other things to do...older people dont...so keep themselves busy like this.


The best thing to do (in all seriousness) is to have specific things that they can help you out with. What they are doing is probably what they think you need doing, so they are trying to help.

Get them to cut the grass/ wash the windows etc ...crap you actually might need doing but dont want to do.


To me this situation far out weighs inlaws coming over expecting you to wait on them hand and foot as well as look after the new arrival (congrats btw)

CelticRambler

I had something similar for a while with my parents, especially my dad. After we moved here, he'd turn up with an idea of what "projects" he was going to work on, then be asking me to contact a local sawmill, tell him where to get some obscure glue he'd use in Ireland, complain that I didn't have any decent paint brush (we were still at the demolition stage) or that I was wasting my time "cutting up sticks" when the children needed bedrooms (my view was that they were going to need firewood in the winter far more than a bedroom each). :mad:

Anyway, after about a year-and-a-half of this, and feeling every bit as frustrated as you do, I finally managed to get just enough ahead of myself to be able to give him a project of my choice to work on. I made sure I had the basic tools and materials on hand, and left a few "strategic gaps" in the inventory so that he'd head off to the shops (taking my mother with him) and we'd have the day to ourselves. We did something similar with Mam - ask her would she be able to put a hem on this or a button on that, or would she keep an eye out for white socks with pink kittens on them. :

It all worked out well, and these days when I go back to Dublin, there's nearly always a list of jobs for me to lend a hand with.

Boom_Bap

Boom_Bap wrote: »

I've never thinly veiled the ownership of my dishwasher.

Some people just never understand the importance of a precisely filled dishwasher. They think they can just fill it up any old way, but the enlightened know this can only end in carnage.

judeboy101

Threaten the missus if they stay longer than a night you will start walking around buck naked and watching midget porn on the "55 HD TV when they visit.

SEPT 23 1989

How often does this cleaning intervention happen?

Jobs OXO

DeadlyByDesign wrote: »

Hi all,

So I have been married for 7 years and recently we have had our first bundle of joy arrive (yay).

Now I don't know if the promotion to Fatherhood has triggered this but as of recently I have had it up to my eyeballs with boundaries in my house when the inlaws come to visit.

Now our house (for clarity sake), is not as clean as dentist surgery nor are we very "organized people" (my spouse and I), but every time we have the in law visit (a week or so in length), we do make a big effort to make the house as spotless as we can. However when they land in the door- the kitchen is taken over, cooking is done, laundry is done, things are moved, appliances are fixed etc etc.

Now I know to the outsider looking in this might be a"dream come true", with having your house work done etc, but I really feel like I revert back to being a 13 year old again and don't like certain rules/boundaries of the house being taken. There is always the underlying feeling that the way we organize ourselves is just not good enough, so they feel they have to fix it.

Anyone in this boat or any pearls of wisdom?

Start walking around naked. Shake your sex stick at them every opportunity you get. They will soon get the message.

Boom_Bap

Candie wrote: »

Some people just never understand the importance of a precisely filled dishwasher. They think they can just fill it up any old way, but the enlightened know this can only end in carnage.

Candie, I'd let you fill my dishwasher anytime. *





*not a euphamism

biscuithead

Boom_Bap wrote: »

The last time we had people staying over, I made sure to let them know from the minute they came in that I would be filling the dishwasher as I don't went to end up just refilling it after they do it.
It worked out very well and we started to joke about it, I think they also learned how to fill a dishwasher properly.

I have absolutely no idea what this post meant.

"I don't want to end up refilling it after they do it"? What?

You fill the dishwasher equates to them learning how to fill a dishwasher?

Boom_Bap

biscuithead wrote: »

I have absolutely no idea what this post meant.

"I don't want to end up refilling it after they do it"? What?

You fill the dishwasher equates to them learning how to fill a dishwasher?

They fill it, I see that have made an absolute boll0x of it, then I have to take everything about and put it back in properly.

Lady is a tramp

You have my sympathies OP, I've been in a similar position before and it's horrible. Used to make me feel completely inadequate. Not to mention the imposition on my personal space. I wouldn't even be at that level of intimacy with my own family, that I'd be happy for them to dig into my housework, let alone with anyone else's family.

The only advice I'd give you would be - for the sake of peace - find a way to get your OH to do the talking with them about it, rather than getting involved yourself. (By the way, does she feel the same way as you about it?)

A compromise might be to ask them would they mind looking after the baby while you and your partner get stuck into a few jobs you've been putting off. Ask them to take him/her/it out for a walk or something to get them out of the way! They'll probably be glad to feel useful, and only delighted to get the time alone with the new baby.

Ken.

There's cash to be made here op. What is the father in law good at fixing? Before they arrive take in a few repair jobs. Get him to fix them, you charge the people for their fixed item.

pxdf9i5cmoavkz

DeadlyByDesign wrote: »

Anyone in this boat or any pearls of wisdom?

Being passive aggressive (list of chores) is a sure fire way to create tension I think.

Hey In-Laws

I would like to say that you guys are awesome for helping us around the house. It's difficult with the new addition and I'm eternally grateful that you help us during your free time.

One small thing I would like your help on is to please refrain from moving our things. It inadvertently makes it more difficult for us because we end up spending a lot of time looking for things because we're used to having it in a certain place.

When all of this has calmed down and we have a routine setup, I'd be happy to treat you all to a nice dinner as a way of saying thank you.

Not as formal as above but something along those lines. Being polite costs nothing and rewards much.

Use the sandwich approach. Two goods things and the one bad thing in the middle.

Atoms for Peace

Fr_Dougal wrote: »

OP, whilst I don't live in filth myself, I think I have a solution.

You'll need to burn your house down.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u06DpcFXc4U

BeardySi

Relax and let them get on with it... My mother in law is a divil for cleaning, washing up, cooking, doing laundry etc. It used to bother me, but now I just leaver her away with it - if she does it then I won't have to and if that's how she wants to spend her leisure time, well so be it...

MRnotlob606

Well at least outlaws are wanted.

bee06

Finnegan Pitiful Manic wrote: »

Being passive aggressive (list of chores) is a sure fire way to create tension I think.


Not as formal as above but something along those lines. Being polite costs nothing and rewards much.

Use the sandwich approach. Two goods things and the one bad thing in the middle.

I would add to this "Please stop touching my dirty underwear. It's weird!"

But seriously, your wife needs to put her big girl pants on and talk to her parents about this. I'd flip the lid with my mom came in and started cleaning my house and washing my dirty clothes.

garrettod

DeadlyByDesign wrote: »

....

Anyone in this boat or any pearls of wisdom?

Hi,

The more you put up with this, the worse it will get....

Ideally, your "other half" should deal with this given it's there side of the family, but if not then I'd suggest you have an honest chat with them and tell them (as nicely as you can) that you'd rather they didn't do the things that are bothering you.

Failing the above, the alternative is to go AWOL each time they are visiting and tell your other half why you are going - i.e. to avoid a massive row with the in-laws

Whatever you do, don't let it continue as it will only get worse ... either in terms of what they start doing each time they come to visit, or in terms of how you feel about it.

Lady is a tramp

BeardySi wrote: »

Relax and let them get on with it... My mother in law is a divil for cleaning, washing up, cooking, doing laundry etc. It used to bother me, but now I just leaver her away with it - if she does it then I won't have to and if that's how she wants to spend her leisure time, well so be it...

Ah no ... I think you're entitled to a bit of privacy and control in your own home.

In my opinion, it is not on to walk into someone else's home and try to fix/improve/maintain it. Asking/offering to help is one thing; taking the liberty to go right ahead and interfere is another thing altogether.

Especially when there's a new baby involved. The parents have probably never felt more vulnerable in their ability to run their household and look after themselves and this new little person; the last thing they need is people coming in and indirectly criticising them by taking over household tasks.

Basically the message they're giving is, "It's clear you're not coping, so someone is going to have to intervene." It's going to do nothing for the confidence of the new parents involved. The only people who get a positive outcome are the in-laws themselves, because they get to leave with a smug warm happy glow that they've done their good deed for the day. But the reality is, it's only a pain in the arse and a blow to the confidence of the parents here.

There are other ways of genuinely helping a family with a new baby, e.g. offering to do grocery shopping from a list ... or bringing home-cooked/ready-made dinners ... or bringing the dog for a walk ... or offering babysitting, particularly for older children (if applicable) ... or offering to fill the car up with petrol, any of those simple tasks that are so much more complicated with a small baby in a car seat in tow ... I think the key word here is to OFFER, and to accept "no thank you" as the answer, if that's the reply!

The in-laws arriving and launching themselves into another household's personal day-to-day tasks are only doing it to make themselves feel good about themselves - they're the only ones benefiting from it.

Even if it were a case that I visited a friend/family member's house and it genuinely did look a bit grubby and needed a good going over, and if I thought the parents could do with help with that, I'd still buy a voucher for a house cleaning company (e.g. hassle.ie) rather than getting stuck in myself. Just more comfortable and appropriate for all involved, and less likely to cause offence.

CelticRambler

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

I'd still buy a voucher for a house cleaning company (e.g. hassle.ie) rather than getting stuck in myself. Just more comfortable and appropriate for all involved, and less likely to cause offence.

Seriously? :eek:

Nothing says offence like "your house is so dirty, I wouldn't even try to clean it myself ... "

Lady is a tramp

CelticRambler wrote: »

Seriously? :eek:

Nothing says offence like "your house is so dirty, I wouldn't even try to clean it myself ... "

No ... it's more like, getting professionals in to do a job like that is a treat for the recipient. Whereas having your best friend/sister/cousin etc pull your hairs from the shower drain, or see how manky under your kitchen bins is, is just awkward and uncomfortable.

It's like how you wouldn't have your mother-in-law wax your pubic region - even if it's what she did for a living. Just ... the awkwardness and ickiness of it!

beertons

Naked Monday's, frisky Friday's, they won't last much longer. Or will they?

osarusan

Make a list and start paying them when they leave for each thing they have done.

Widdershins

I've no idea how to get them to cool it a bit, sorry. My ex's mother used to be very overbearingly helpful. It was really condescending because of the way she went about it. I look back and regret not having had the patience for her. She's barely able for her own day now. When we first met she said to my ex ''Widdershins doesn't really have a mother so I'm coming to show her how to do a grocery shop and all the little homemaking things''. (Obviously I do have a mother! Just not close). Maybe if you could just get away and leave them to it..

CelticRambler

Just a thought on the "leave your missus to deal with her own parents" train of thought. I think that'd be an unfair, and possibly unwise, delegation of responsibility. For a start, she's undoubtedly the one with hormones all over the place, and might be more of a loose cannon than Donald Trump :pac: ; but also, yes, they are her parents, which means she's had a complicated relationship with them for much longer than you have.

This is one of those situations where you've got to act as a couple and not be fobbing off the difficult stuff onto one or other. It may well be easier for her to stand up to her parents, but chances are you've got an advantage precisely because you're the outsider. And if she's as bothered by all this as you are, you need to embrace your inner caveman and protect your woman as well as the sprog.

joe40

Simple solution, go to their house and return the favour!!

freshpopcorn

Don't leave laundry around so they can't do it.
How often do appliances get broken? Is it regular?
A thing I often find is mammy gets a call from their son/daughter and they sound helpless so they then feel like they've to come over and do these things. Then their son/daughter in law end up giving out about their pushy in laws.

DeadlyByDesign

Thanks for all the advice guys. Had a chat with the OH last night about it and she does not seem to bothered with it so it seems like I may have to just grin and bare it. Too anyone asking (and I know it is more than likely in jest ) about how often things are broke and general cleanliness of the house, again I will stress that we have the normal cleanliness of house. Just we dont pick up straight away and do tend to leave some things till "the next day" etc. I think it is just the invasion of space that I hate in that it feels that I am in someone else house when they are there.

I have been tempted to go through their dirty laundry the next time I am there or start washing their floor! Jesus the thoughts of it! It would be hilarious but there would be such a row!