Who is to blame for the break-up

castel

I'm in a really confusing situation and I just need some advice really.

I was with my ex for just over a year, we were close friends before the relationship and always had feelings for each other but decided to risk it and it worked out amazingly and we were deliriously happy until a few months ago. We broke up two weeks ago.

I'm just finishing up college and am in the middle of my final exams. My plan was to go travelling when I had finished, but he was planning on going back to college so would not come with me. I heard of friends heading off to Australia so I mentioned this to him. I then thought about it, and said I wasn't going to go. Then about a month later I said it may be now or never, and asked him if he would stay with me if I went for 9 months instead and he said that was fine.

He started acting distant and not as affectionate back in February, and every time I expressed that I felt he was acting this way he would say he still felt the same and I had nothing to worry about. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago he told me he was feeling low, and as he has had depression in the past, I suggested we sit down and talk things out. He basically said to me that he had been coping with the idea of me going away for the last few months and that in his head he started to convince himself I was better off without him and that if I was leaving in the first place, I must not have felt the way I said I did. I've never seen anyone so upset when we broke up, he said it wasn't what he wanted and that he still loved me, but still thought we should end it.

We have met up twice and talked a little during the last 2 weeks (mostly initiated by him) and he just says that he doesn't know what he wants and that he needs time to think. I should probably mention he is off to Canada for 2 months at the end of June, so that puts a big halt on things. I told him today that I can't take the texts asking how my exam has went etc because it gives me false hope and I can't just wait around for him to make up his mind. I really do want to work things out with him and he just keeps seeing the negative side of things. I told him I scrapped the idea of going away for so long and may do something shorter instead, and he said that he's already gotten himself into a place where he believes I'm leaving and theres no hope, but then he says he doesn't feel like it is completely over and wants to be with me?!. I've tried not to push him too much for answers and I've expressed all my feelings and how upset I am that its come to this, but the waiting is driving me crazy.

What do I do? I genuinely am so confused and hurt, but I feel like he hasn't thought about this at all. It is also his first break-up, so I feel that he may not fully understand the consequences. I don't know if I have done unrepairable damage by even suggesting leaving, but then I just think that if he had been honest with me and explained how he felt, all of this would be avoided.

Any advice at all that can help to explain his perspective or what I should do would be a great help.

Thanks

Big Bag of Chips

castel wrote: »

he said that he's already gotten himself into a place where he believes I'm leaving and theres no hope.

That's all that matters. It doesn't matter whose fault it is. It doesn't matter whether you or he goes away. All that matters is in his eyes the relationship is over, and there's no chance of you getting back together.

He is holding you back by remaining in contact with you. You are not together anymore, and you don't owe him a friendship, especially if you are not able for it yourself.

Ask him to not contact you again. If he cares about you at all he will respect that request. If he doesn't respect it then he doesn't care about you as much as he cares about himself and contact with you is purely on his terms for his benefit. At that point you can block him while you try to move on.

leggo

You're right to go travelling, now is the time to do it or you never will. You'd be crazy to let a relationship get in the way as, if it were strong enough, you guys would make it work. Do your travelling plans and, as far as he is concerned, it's a lesson he needs to learn no matter how hard he takes it. This is real life, this is what happens, and yeah it may be sad to have to witness someone go through the harsh reality of that but that doesn't mean that you were wrong to go travelling. Don't back down on that for a guy, believe me. He'll be fine. Go live your life and leave him to his mates and support system.

jimmycrackcorm

OP, you're young and in college. You're not married to him and will end up in other relationships. The number of people who end up for life with the person they dated in college is pretty small.

So just go enjoy travelling and you'll meet someone else. This might seem a big deal now but you'll think differently in few years time.

Sephiroth_dude

Let him have all the time he wants too think, in the meantime you Go travelling and forget him and enjoy yourself, from what I've read you didn't do anything wrong.

LegacyUser

There is no blame, but to be honest, you haven't communicated well around this at all.

The first issue is his disasterising, a trait often associated with depression where an event breeds an over-reaction. In his case, he lacks the emotional framework to deal with 9 months of separation, so he sees it as the end. It's also an act of control to some degree, jumping before you're pushed, sabotaging a relationship so that it ends without the saboteur having to take responsibility for ending it. He also may be prolonging the end in the hope of manipulating you into changing your mind, consciously or unconsciously. His history may have led to a family dynamic where things were organised around him and he has learned that he can manipulate situations. That's common, but I'm only surmising it here.

The issue with your behaviour is the changing of plans. You were going, then you weren’t going, then going again, then suggested shortening it. That’s a poor way to conduct a relationship, anybody would find it hard to be happy with that level of uncertainty no matter how long they’d been together or what the situation and while his reaction is poor, you’ve fuelled it.

Before you try again to understand his reactions, you really should put some time into actually deciding what you want to do before you send another mixed message.