Have I ruined my chances?

numnumcake

Hi all just wondering if anyone could provide some advice on my situation. There's a guy I know and for the past few months we have flirted a bit on nights out - we have a similar group of friends. I didn't want to make it obvious that I liked him or didn't want to initiate anything due to past experience of being hurt and rejected.

However a few weeks ago we ended up going out with a group and we ended up getting really drunk like so drunk a lot of the night was a blur and I ended up kissing and sleeping with him. The next day was fine there was no awkwardness and we still chat away fine. I have been beating myself up over the past few weeks for sleeping with him so soon and feel that he might think I'm cheap and won't think any more of me. I just wish nothing had happened and I could have got to know him better first and he would have more respect for me then.

Some of my friends have said don't worry about it and if it's meant to be it's meant to be but some are like if you sleep with a guy too soon they lose interest. Do you think this is true or am I overthinking things or getting worked up about something that was never a thing in the first place.

Ursus Horribilis

Why don't you just ask him out and see what happens?

numnumcake

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Why don't you just ask him out and see what happens?

Yes I know I probably should I just have such a fear of rejection that's holding me back and if he says no I think I'll blame my actions on that night for it.

Ursus Horribilis

Returning to your "not interested" stance has a greater chance of scuppering your chances IMHO. He already knows you so it's not as if you're some totty he picked up in a bar that night.

Flibble

It is entirely possible that this was just a one night stand to him, but without knowing the ins & outs of vibes etc as they currently stand, why don't you just talk to him and ask him out? For a cuppa coffee or a drink?

If he's the sort of guy who would actually 'lose interest' after having sex with you then you don't want to be with him anyway, he clearly has some very odd issues at play that you're best steering clear of & you can count it a lucky escape.

Thankfully this way of thinking is dying out now, and having sex early on really shouldn't affect the potential for a relationship. I've slept with guys on the first or second dates and gone on to have years long relationships. In fact, all my longest relationships have started with sex very early on. I do have one friend who's ex told her he would have lost respect for her if she had gone home with him early on in their dating life, but he never treated her very well and you could see this horrible misogynistic strain in how he spoke to her and in what he expected of her throughout.

So ask him out.
If he says yes, then happy days!
If he isn't up for anything more, he either 1) wasn't that in to you to begin with (which isn't a crime) or 2) he's a chauvinist.

njs030

numnumcake wrote: »

Yes I know I probably should I just have such a fear of rejection that's holding me back and if he says no I think I'll blame my actions on that night for it.

Well op he chose to hop into bed with you as well so he has nothing to judge you about.
If he says no it could be just that he doesn't want a relationship not anything to do with having sex with you so don't worry to much about it.

Have some confidence in yourself!

amtc

I have a friend who slept with a guy first date..they are together five years, getting married August. It was funny though after the first time they didn't sleep together for months. They kind of dated for a few months and then rekindled it. She didn't even know his second name the first night.

If you have the same group of friends could one of them subtly enquire?

How did you leave it next morning? It sounds like it's been ok so I would just leave it till you bump into each other next time

numnumcake

amtc wrote: »

I have a friend who slept with a guy first date..they are together five years, getting married August. It was funny though after the first time they didn't sleep together for months. They kind of dated for a few months and then rekindled it. She didn't even know his second name the first night.

If you have the same group of friends could one of them subtly enquire?

How did you leave it next morning? It sounds like it's been ok so I would just leave it till you bump into each other next time

The next morning was fine no awkwardness and chilled out for a while. I'm just so scared to ask him for anything more. I'm afraid of looking desperate.

MaroonAndGreen

Flibble wrote:

If he's the sort of guy who would actually 'lose interest' after having sex with you then you don't want to be with him anyway, he clearly has some very odd issues at play that you're best steering clear of & you can count it a lucky escape.

What sort of comment is this? Issues? She's barely said a thing about him, dramatic advice at best...

Ursus Horribilis

numnumcake wrote: »

The next morning was fine no awkwardness and chilled out for a while. I'm just so scared to ask him for anything more. I'm afraid of looking desperate.

Why do you think you'd look desperate?

numnumcake

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Why do you think you'd look desperate?

I'm worried that when I was drunk that I was all over him and he would see me as easy. He hasn't really text me much after it happened either so I have my doubts that he feels anything.

njs030

numnumcake wrote: »

I'm worried that when I was drunk that I was all over him and he would see me as easy. He hasn't really text me much after it happened either so I have my doubts that he feels anything.

Did he text you much before?
Maybe he just doesn't want anything to come of it and that's OK but you won't know unless you ask.

You have two choices, ask and know for sure or say nothing and move on with your life.
You won't know what he's thinking by sitting at home wondering!

The Pheasant2

numnumcake wrote: »

I'm worried that when I was drunk that I was all over him and he would see me as easy. He hasn't really text me much after it happened either so I have my doubts that he feels anything.

What if he's thinking the same thing?

Ursus Horribilis

We can all second guess his motivations until the cows come home. Maybe he doesn't see this as more than a one night stand and isn't interested in seeing you again. If that's the case, then that's perfectly fine. Looking at this the other way, maybe he does like you but is unsure of where he stands with you. If you're giving off the vibes in real life that you are here, you're quite a woman for putting up barriers.

Unless he's a heartless b'stard, he's not going to think any less of you because you asked him out. And if he's not a nice person, then why would you want to be around him anyway?

Flibble

MaroonAndGreen wrote: »

What sort of comment is this? Issues? She's barely said a thing about him, dramatic advice at best...

I said IF he was the sort of guy who had a problem with it.

IF.

bmwguy

Another lady that won't ask a man out. He could be shy too OP, nothing will happen if you both sit home wondering.
As a man, I would love a lady to ask me out. Just once! Equality and all that, go for it.

Calypso Realm

How did you leave things after you last met?

I think, after a few weeks, unless you've given him a distinct impression you're not interested, he'd have made a move if he wanted to take things further.