Am I

Throwawayohgod

I don't even know how to finish the title.

To cut a very long story short, my SO was under the impression that I would be ok with him recieving oral sex from a sex worker (in a place it is legal), and accused me of being closed minded when I aired my.. displeasure.. at the idea. I'm an open minded person, I don't judge anyone, I don't judge people who make money from working as a prostitute and I wouldn't judge someone getting their kicks from it either. But not only did I feel like I wasn't good enough but to think that he thought I would be ok with it is hurtful and I feel like a complete idiot. I feel like I don't know him at all anymore. I'm hardly the prize catch but we've been together for long enough that I was ok with the way I look but now I feel like a teenager again with all my stupid insecurities coming back with a vengence. The self hatred I had in my teens and early 20s manfiested itself in self harm and a suicide attempt.

I'm not the kind of person who can talk about things that bother me very easily so I guess I'm looking for advice on how to cope with this weirdness. I have no other way of describing it. I don't want to come accross as a damsel in destress because I am not. I am quite a strong person when I have to be but this has completely blindsided me. I don't know what to think anymore.

Jurgen Klopp

So in essence, he cheated on you and then tells you it's no big deal and your close minded for being annoyed over it.....?

Ya, get rid of him, he's a ****in ape

racso1975

Would he be OK with receiving oral sex if you paid for it?

Op he's talking through his hoop and worse then that tried to put it back on you in the sense of being closed minded.

I seriously doubt there are many relationships where the partner would be OK with this.

Even ones that are open relationships have the discussion first as to what's OK and what's not. They just don't assume it and then blame the partner when they are devastated by them.

How did he even inform you of this?

Big Bag of Chips

So it's ok if he cheats on you, so long as he pays for it?

To be honest, OP, he's partially right. People set their own parameters for what is acceptable or not in a relationship. For him paying for a sexual act is fine (I assume he'd also be fine with you paying for a similar service). For you, it's not. And your parameters are the only ones that matter to you.

You shouldn't let anyone else dictate to you what you should and shouldn't be ok with.

Taltos

OP he's using your insecurities against you here.
He knows you. He knows what buttons to press and how you'll react.

I figure he knew exactly how you'd feel about him cheating on you, and to be frank I'd have to wonder at what type of a catch he is here.
Being blunt for yourself, your own well being there is only one thing to do here - kick him the hell out and talk to someone.

He just doesn't care at all about you. Well maybe that's an exaggeration, clearly he cares about hurting and belittling you but he doesn't care to help you grow and feel loved. He only cares about himself and that's why the best thing you can do for him is to let him be by himself or with someone who doesn't mind what he pays for and with who. Dollars to donuts while this might be his first time it won't be his last and should you stay here your own self worth will plummet and all of those insecurities your spoke of will consume you until in a year or two you just won't even know who's looking back at you anymore.

Remember, you did nothing wrong. Just keep repeating that, and you deserve to be treated and cared for not made feel guilty. That tactic there says it all really - stay and your life will just get worse, leave and it will be tough at first but in time you'll look back and be thankful you got out.

LegacyUser

He doesn't consider oral sex cheating? You have to wonder is he doing it elsewhere and not paying for it too. Regardless of which he isn't and won't be faithful. Get out!

Airyfairy12

I wonder if you paid for head from a male escort and then told your partner he's close minded how well would it fly? I know youve been together for a long time but either he's changed (as people do) or you never knew him to begin with, either way this side of him has come to light and if it were me I dont think the marriage would be lasting much longer. That insecurity would eat through me like poison if I stayed with someone like that.
That being said everyone is different and maybe its something you can come to terms with. Deal with it whatever way you feel you should. What he did was disgusting and really disrespectful towards you, he's only trying to downplay what he did so he can get away with it.

Flibble

It's not clear from your post OP if he actually went ahead and availed of these services & told you after the fact, or if you guys were having a hypothetical conversation about this but he hasn't done anything (yet).

If it is the former, then he has cheated on you and don't let him try to minimise this or 'logic' it away on you.

If it is the latter then it's a bit more of a mind-f*ck. Is he just genuinely having a difference of opinion, or has he done something and is shrouding it in the cloak of 'differing opinion'? To be honest, it would be very unusual for a topic like this to come up as a genuine hypothetical and for his position to be taken with SUCH gusto and veiled/not so veiled insult to the integrity of your relationship. I've had conversations like this before, but the other party has made it very clear they are playing devil's advocate and what follows is a good natured argument for the sake of it. It doesn't sound at all like this is the conversation you have had, so I really struggle to see his logic.

If he's seriously fighting his corner then I really think the only two reasons for this are
1) He genuinely thinks its ok, in which case, can you trust him now that you know this??
2) He is trying to justify something he has done. Maybe it was something he did while he was with you, but maybe it was something he did in a previous relationship that possibly ended it and he's not quite gotten over the argument, which I think is a possibility depending on how long ye are together. Either way, it shows a distinct immaturity and/or deception and I would be questioning his suitability towards being in a committed relationship right now.

Panthro

Release the chap out the gap, asap.

Seriously, in what universe is he living in if he thinks it's ok to get his jollies from another person, paid or otherwise?

Tie up the shoe laces and boot him out the door ta Fack

Skyfarm

hi op, the issue here is not him and his actions, but you and your feelings /response to him

he pushed your buttons, he knows your depths of feelings and what you went through and is now flinging it back at you to cover his actions.his telling you is control of you,no remorse is abuse

this is abuse on every level and won't stop until you find the strength to say no
you can't change his behaviours ,but you can change how you react and move forward

you are allowing his abuse of you to abuse yourself, i hope that you can in time see that beauty is only skin deep and you are beautiful and worth a life full of freedom from negative partners

can i suggest that you speak to women's aid or any of the agencies to get support,
do u have family or friends you could stay with for a few days ? just to clear the head

don't think of this as leaving him, think of it as healing yourself, deal with the leaving or the staying when you feel better

I would suggest getting screened for STI, the chances of him cheating before are high

this link might support https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-abused-and-battered-women.htm

Estrellita

Throwawayohgod wrote: »

To cut a very long story short, my SO was under the impression that I would be ok with him recieving oral sex from a sex worker (in a place it is legal), and accused me of being closed minded when I aired my.. displeasure.. at the idea. I'm an open minded person

Yeah... Make sure the door hits him on the way out. I'm sorry to say I think he sees you as a doormat. He absolutely knows about your insecurities, and is using them to essentially have his cake and eat it. If you have an issue with what he wants, then the YOU'RE the problem?? If you love someone you do not manipulate them like that, or make them feel like s.hit about themselves.

Breaking up with someone is very hard, but you have to do this for yourself. It's not asking too much of someone to just remain faithful in your relationship. He's forcing you down a road you never agreed to, and no, there is nothing wrong with your mind. Put his closed-minded BS comments in the shredder and move on. You have a right to expect better treatment than this, and this sounds like it's run it's course.