How would you react if your gf/bf told you they suffered with depression in the past?

LegacyUser

So I'm a 30 year old woman and am in a relationship with a great guy for the last 4 months. I knew it was something from the beginning as it just felt easy and normal and I never had to question his intentions or feelings towards me. He is funny, kind and we fancy the bones off each other.
I'm just wondering when or how I should tell him that I suffered from mental health issues in the past. Just to give background to the issues, I was always able to function and do my job and hid my issues from everyone bar one friend I confided in. It was depression, probably as a delayed reaction to stuff in my childhood as well as various circumstances in my life. I probably had it on and off for 3/4 years and through much counselling and reading I feel in a much better place now. I have never behaved badly or involved other people in my issues. I haven't felt low in well over a year and to be honest since I've met my boyfriend I've been on such a high as we both have said how well we feel this is going.

I feel the need to tell him about my past as in case of a relapse I feel he needs to know some background. And also because I've never felt this way about someone before and I want to tell him as it's been a part of my past, whether I like it or not. I am 99% sure he will take it really well but I've read threads on here where people have been advised to end relationships with partners who suffered depression. I guess I have given him the impression that I am quite strong and independent and I guess I am but it's always a worry letting someone see the vulnerable side of you.

Just posting here in the hopes that someone has been on either side of this with a partner and how it effected things between you.

squonk

OP lots of people suffer from depression and I think there isn't a family who hasn't at least one member who has had some episode at a point in their life. There's much more to you than your depression and it sounds like you've dealt with that really well anyway. I think he'll see that it's just one small part of the tapestry that makes you the person you are. I think people are advised to split up here with partners where the depression is causing a much bigger problem for the relationship or the health of each partner.

A girl I went out with fir a while suffered from depression. It wasn't serious and she coped ok. I didn't see it as a bug issue because it wasn't and most other parts of the relationship were great.

I don't think you've much to worry about and your relationship sounds lovely. Lucky you, and, lucky him!

Airyfairy12

I think everyone has experience with depression in one way or another. Id be more surprised by someone who's never had some sort of mental health problem or dealt with someone who has. I personally wouldnt even bring it up unless its bipolar or something debilitating/drastically changes your mood or causes delusions or causes you extreme anxiety id see no point in mentioning it but if you think you need to then thats up to yourself.

leggo

Yeah OP, I'd go as far as to say that most people of a certain age have suffered from depression at some stage. I think the way we handle it has improved but still isn't there, in that I feel rather than making special cases out of people who come forward with their stories, the attitude should (and eventually will) be "This happens to everyone, here's what you do if it happens to you..."

Point is, you're not strange or a standalone case and don't see yourself that way because it's helping to keep the stigma in your mind. You're completely normal. Tell him about this and you're likely to get a story in return of a time he felt low in his life. It'll likely improve communication between the two of you, you'll be glad you opened up and it went well, and things will be so much better. And, if it doesn't go that way, come back here and we'll help you figure it out because he's a wrong 'un.

What I will say, as a man and as someone who's been on the other side of this with a partner, is that an ex told me about this and I was totally cool with it, but as time went on I realised she wasn't doing anything to deal with her bouts and she would often use the depression against me to justify treating me badly. It's likely those kinda cases you've seen before that recommended someone break up with a partner. So, to me, if someone sat me down in future I'd want to know how they were being proactive about it and what they would envision us doing should a relapse occur, just so I'm reassured that they've got this somewhat under control and that things don't completely spiral in the future and that they'll let me support them and tackle it as a team. Because it can be tough. So that's probably worth keeping in mind too.

So, to recap, you're not strange and if this guy is a keeper then it'll likely go fine and all of your worries will be unfounded. Just give him the reassurances he needs and remember he is now a support outlet for you in future if it happens.

Wafflepie

I have depression and anxiety very badly, I'm not going and I've been through an awful lot in my life. And I'm unable to sleep much which affects my life. I'm on medication, and sadly sometimes slip and self harm. Which makes me more sad afterwards. I try to go for runs and walks to clear my head or listen to music. But sometimes nothing can pull you out of

For me when I enter a relationship when I feel comfortable and it's after a few dates of getting of to know each other. If it's going somewhere be honest at the start, you'll find out if they're okay with it before it becomes a serious relationship. My partner now understands and accepts it. I personally feel it's better to get it out there, it has become more accepted these days.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

I think that if a someone breaks up with you because you tell them something like this, then telling them was a great idea.

Bambi985

OP depression is extremely common and it is absolutely not something to be ashamed about. Keeping it secret is likely just going to take a toll on your mental health in the long run and anyway, I'm sure it's made you a lot more empathetic, kind and understanding of people's difficulties as a result - absolutely no need to hide it.

A colleague of mine casually mentioned that he had suffered depression to me in passing the last day and I have to say I really admired the way he did it. We were having a conversation about mental health and he just said it, matter-of-fact, no hushed tones or apologetic demeanour or any of the things that have kept mental health issues taboo for so long. Just "I've struggled a lot with depression over the years too" and the conversation went from there.

I don't know him well, he's not a friend and we weren't having a heart to heart, but suddenly I found myself talking about a close family relative who has been through a lot of mental health issues - just like that. To my mind, this is the way we should be talking about depression. Like it happens, and is no-one's fault, but we can learn from it and live with it and learn from each other's experiences too. Just as though we were talking about cancer, or diabetes, or any other health condition.

I think you should just be frank, casual and just describe your own experiences as if you were talking about anything else. "I know whenever I've shared things like this with partners, it's only served to bring us closer together and solidify the relationship more than anything else.

inca2

OP, I've suffered with depression on and off for about the past 8 or 9 years (I'm 25 now). I once had a bad experience with a group of friends I trusted enough to tell about my issues when I went through a difficult time during college (we're no longer in touch, surprisingly) so I have been incredibly wary about discussing things openly since. Their unwillingness to support me hurt me deeply and definitely hindered my recovery, though in hindsight, it was a helpful scenario - it taught me a lot. I have been going through a particularly rough patch for a couple of months now (have hidden it quite well) and have just started pretty intensive treatment - so in the last week or so, I've felt slightly better and able to discuss it. I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months and was terrified to tell him. I disappeared off the radar for about a fortnight so felt I owed him an explanation. Out of fear of his reaction, I planned to tell him that I had just been really stressed out (I'm back in college) but somehow, it all just came out. I'm still absolutely overwhelmed by his reaction. I couldn't have asked for better. Things seem a bit easier now that I know I have his full support. For him to tell me that he thought I was incredibly strong and that he was going to be there for me meant an awful lot. So, go for it with your boyfriend - it's lovely to know that that understanding is there, even if he hasn't been there himself or doesn't completely get it. As the other posters have said, most people will have had a family member or friend who has gone through something similar and we seem much more willing to discuss issues like this these days. Anyone who reacts any other way isn't worth your time, which is sadly cliched, but true.