What type of behaviour is this?

nobody94

So, imagine you are self conscious about something and there is a person who deliberately goes out of their way to go on and on about that insecurity, despite knowing you're insecure about it. 

They don't flat out insult you about the flaw, but they keep on highlighting it and bringing it up. They do it to the point that they seem like they are purposely antagonising you and trying to evoke some sort of outburst from you. 

Then when you are visibly upset from them constantly mentioning your insecurity. They began to gloat that they have achieved annoying you. 

Saying stuff along the lines of, "Are you annoyed now? Oh, you're annoyed now? Did I do something to annoy you? Oh, I've annoyed you now! I'm after annoying! What did I say that's annoyed you?"

What type of person behaves that way? Is there a mental condition that applies to people like this? 

bp

They are a bully and a manipulator and not worth your time to be honest.

Not knowing who they are (family, friend, colleague) is there a way to reduce contact? Or if they start that ****e while on the phone say oh I have another call got to go

nobody94

bp wrote: »

They are a bully and a manipulator and not worth your time to be honest.

Not knowing who they are (family, friend, colleague) is there a way to reduce contact? Or if they start that ****e while on the phone say oh I have another call got to go

It's actually my father. I live at home and there is no way to avoid him.

zoobizoo

You could bring it out in the open yourself to disarm him ....

"Yeah, I am X. It's something I'm working on. I;ll get there soon I'm sure"

nobody94

zoobizoo wrote: »

You could bring it out in the open yourself to disarm him ....

"Yeah, I am X. It's something I'm working on. I;ll get there soon I'm sure"

Every time I have called him out on this, he either plays the victim, which is hilarious or he feigns ignorance stating he had no idea that he said something to upset me.

bp

Oh that is tough. Could you leave the room when he starts? Is he a bully to other family members? Is he just a belligerent old man?

witchgirl26

OP without knowing your age, would it be possible to cut him off when he starts and say "yes I know. You've pointed it out often enough and I think we all get it." Yes it's a bit cheeky (so maybe don't try if a younger teen) but might just put him in his place a little. And if he starts again just leave the room. You may live at home but you don't have to stay in the same room once that starts.

amtc

This resonates so much with me. My dad has made a career out of putting me down. My mother is away so I ring home to see how he is as he is not all that well. So far this week so have got that he thought I at least had some brain (as I was reading a magazine) but am obviously thick, that I used to have some fashion sense but now was dowdy, that I can't speak (I do stutter on words starting with a D).

What's interesting is none of my three best friends ever noticed I stutter because I had to tell them. It's something I'm very sensitive about and I only do it around my dad.

My mother's theory is that he can't get at her and hence takes it out on me. Two of my friends have experienced the way he speaks to me recently. Both called it emotional bullying.

In most others aspects of my life I'm relatively successful but my dad has an ability to get to me and make me crumble.

Mind yourself as it doesn't get any easier. It also sets up patterns in life.

nobody94

bp wrote: »

Oh that is tough. Could you leave the room when he starts? Is he a bully to other family members? Is he just a belligerent old man?

I have left the room and gone up to my room, but he will usually come up to my room and won't leave until I finally just lose my temper. He is an old man, but he has always been this way it seems, my siblings have their own problems with him too.

nobody94

amtc wrote: »

This resonates so much with me. My dad has made a career out of putting me down. My mother is away so I ring home to see how he is as he is not all that well. So far this week so have got that he thought I at least had some brain (as I was reading a magazine) but am obviously thick, that I used to have some fashion sense but now was dowdy, that I can't speak (I do stutter on words starting with a D).

What's interesting is none of my three best friends ever noticed I stutter because I had to tell them. It's something I'm very sensitive about and I only do it around my dad.

My mother's theory is that he can't get at her and hence takes it out on me. Two of my friends have experienced the way he speaks to me recently. Both called it emotional bullying.

In most others aspects of my life I'm relatively successful but my dad has an ability to get to me and make me crumble.

Mind yourself as it doesn't get any easier. It also sets up patterns in life.

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I'm sorry for what you have had to endure.

nobody94

witchgirl26 wrote: »

OP without knowing your age, would it be possible to cut him off when he starts and say "yes I know. You've pointed it out often enough and I think we all get it." Yes it's a bit cheeky (so maybe don't try if a younger teen) but might just put him in his place a little. And if he starts again just leave the room. You may live at home but you don't have to stay in the same room once that starts.

I'm actually in my early twenties. My father has always been this way. I thought as I grew older, he might mature, but he still behaves like a child and a bully. I really don't see how a person let alone a parent get satisfaction in deliberately antagonising someone and pushing them to the point that they lose their temper.

amtc

I'm in my 40s and I thought that too.

You're not dealing with a rational person. It's only when my friends independently told me that I realised it. I really thought it was normal. I even tried to make it funny in anecdotes...my dad purposely scowls and makes faces at toddlers and babies in queues to make them cry and then ignores the resulting scenes. He told my grandmother who has dementia that my mother was a secret alcoholic and hid bottles all in her coat and under the stairs, and drove my grandmother demented.

Anyway ....have to ring home!

Listen, the only advice I can give you is to make as much of your life outside. Your home should be there to support you, not take from you.

emo72

Is this a dad trying to have the craic with you? In his mind it's just a bit of slagging, it's like it's the only way he can communicate with you. But he shouldn't be demeaning you.

nobody94

emo72 wrote: »

Is this a dad trying to have the craic with you? In his mind it's just a bit of slagging, it's like it's the only way he can communicate with you. But he shouldn't be demeaning you.

I made that excuse for him many times, but there are times the things he says to me are too personal and hurtful for them to be considered as just kidding

redfacedbear

I think the only way to deal with this is to remove the power of the insult - of course, depending on the 'flaw', that might be easier said than done.

He is persisting with the behaviour because he knows it works and gets the reaction he wants. If you can 'own' the 'flaw' 'yeah so I am overweight/balding/have a big nose/whatever - so what?' it will remove the power he has to use it against you.

As I said reaching that level of acceptance with yourself is not easy, but if you can it will probably help you a whole lot in your life in general, not just with your father.

nobody94

redfacedbear wrote: »

I think the only way to deal with this is to remove the power of the insult - of course, depending on the 'flaw', that might be easier said than done.

He is persisting with the behaviour because he knows it works and gets the reaction he wants. If you can 'own' the 'flaw' 'yeah so I am overweight/balding/have a big nose/whatever - so what?' it will remove the power he has to use it against you.

As I said reaching that level of acceptance with yourself is not easy, but if you can it will probably help you a whole lot in your life in general, not just with your father.

It's not even so much the flaw that gets me down, it's the fact that he goes on and on about it, purposely trying to incite rage, and then getting satisfaction when I lose it, because then he just sits back as Mr. Calm, cool and collected and makes me look like that bad guy.

Again it's not the flaw that hurts, it's the fact that one of my parents would use it against me to deliberately hurt me.

FitzElla

Your father sounds like a bully. He is exploiting your insecurities for his own satisfaction, and the fact you continuously get upset or angry just keeps feeding him. His behavior is not about you, or your insecurity; it is about him. He is using his power and control over you because he probably lacks it in some aspect of his own life.

You need to take back the power from him and stop giving him the reaction he wants or needs. Here are a few ideas from passive to more assertive:
- Remove yourself from the room if he starts at you. Go out of house if he follows you. Just don't engage with him on it at all.
- Don't play the victim to him. Own your insecurity, keep your cool, laugh along with him, ignore it. Just don't give him the reaction he is looking for.
- Call him out on what he is doing. Point out it is bullying. Don't get annoyed or angry, or engage with him on it. Say it around other people if you are in company when he starts. Make him confront the reality of his behavior.

It sounds like this has been going on for a long time so it might take a while but eventually he will get the message! Good luck.

nobody94

FitzElla wrote: »

Your father sounds like a bully. He is exploiting your insecurities for his own satisfaction, and the fact you continuously get upset or angry just keeps feeding him. His behavior is not about you, or your insecurity; it is about him. He is using his power and control over you because he probably lacks it in some aspect of his own life.

You need to take back the power from him and stop giving him the reaction he wants or needs. Here are a few ideas from passive to more assertive:
- Remove yourself from the room if he starts at you. Go out of house if he follows you. Just don't engage with him on it at all.
- Don't play the victim to him. Own your insecurity, keep your cool, laugh along with him, ignore it. Just don't give him the reaction he is looking for.
- Call him out on what he is doing. Point out it is bullying. Don't get annoyed or angry, or engage with him on it. Say it around other people if you are in company when he starts. Make him confront the reality of his behavior.

It sounds like this has been going on for a long time so it might take a while but eventually he will get the message! Good luck.

Wow, thank you for your response and advice. I agree with you on the point of him having a lack of power and control in his own life.

Airyfairy12

Dont engage with them, avoid this person as much as you can.

Bandana boy

Sounds like you need some space from each other to give you time to remember that you actually love each other.

It probably a lot of work with a low chance of success to address this with him.Time to head out on your own , can you get away even for the summer to give you both some space.

December2012

Can you move out?

LegacyUser

I 100% agree with EllaFitz.

This, in fact, has nothing to do with you. People pick on other people's insecurities to make themselves feel better. And at the end of the day, your dad is just a man. Its avoidance for him to look internally at himself.

And, when someone picks on something to do you with you, you should always push it back on them....its actually good "fun" (I dont want to use fun, but there is a satisfaction) when you get the hang of it (see them squirm). You always have to put a "you" in there.

What I've learned to say is (all in a nice polite voice):
1. "that is a really mean thing YOU said" (then you just walk away).
2. YOU dont need to worry about my things, Im fine, YOU should contentrate on your own things.
3. Enough about me, tell me how YOU are doing. Did YOU (for example) pay back the bill etc...(insert something you know about them)
4. I appreciate your input. Im fine. But if YOU ever want to talk about something, you know Im here.

It really trains a person (quite quickly) to stop. Because you are turning it around on them. First time I tried this, btw, I literally nearly fainted. But I wanted to practice assertiveness :-)

I was in a pub recently, and a guy I know from the town (he rises people up...in a ohhh Im concerned about you" type of way. But, he isnt of course. Hes looking for the rise/to get you upset) asked me about something very personal to me. So, instead of rising to him, I asked him (very nice and politely) about his wife (he spends most of the day in the pub/enough said) and his jaw dropped and he shut up straight away.

Sunflower 27

I'm so sorry to hear about your difficulties with your father. He is clearly an unhappy man if he needs to glean pleasure from your discomfort and pain.

I'd put it to him 'what happened to you that you get enjoyment from ridiculing me?

He enjoys you walking away, it means he is getting under your skin.

I'd say the above to him and wait for an answer and if it isn't acceptable to you, I'd ask him again. Put it back on him.

I'd then look to move out. This treatment can have detrimental effects on your self esteem (likely already has).