What should I do? Am I totally out of order?

SBM111

For the past year my bf has promised me a holiday this summer. We made numerous attempts to go somewhere throughout the year but he kept breaking he promise for whatever reason. He said we'd go in summer But now he's saying he can't afford it. He does have bills to pay and his work is drying up now so he'll have to try dole in a few weeks.

The problem is I said I'd pay for it and he pay me back. It means a lot to me as I've had a very bad year with both my parents diagnosed with terminal cancer. I just really need something positive. But he said he'll still be in debt. What angers me more is he can afford to go out this weekend and has 3/4 nights already planned for out during the summer and I'm wondering if he's that broke how can he afford all them? He tells me the price of a night out doesn't equate to a holiday but in my eyes it contributes. I'm mad angry upset and let down, feel like I'm been taken for a fool but don't want to pressure him either. Should I just leave it altogether?

woodchuck

OP, from the sounds of it he simply can't afford it. If his work is drying up and he's resorting to the dole, then it sounds like he's telling the truth. It's also sensible for him not to get into debt with you when he's broke btw!

I'd let this drop. Nobody in their right mind would plan a holiday when they're having financial troubles! Don't begrudge him the odd night out though, it doesn't come close to the cost of a holiday.

You have a few options though:
1. Go on a holiday with him, but offer to the pay the bulk of the cost without him needing to pay you back. It may not seem fair, but you seem to be the one wanting to go on a holiday, not him. See if there are any ryanair deals etc - it doesn't have to cost an arm and a leg. You could even do a staycation - it would cut out the cost of flights and you could look into air bnb.
2. Go on a holiday, but with someone else. Do you have any friends or family members that would be up for it?
3. Go on a holiday on your own. It's not for everyone, but there are a lot of advantages to solo travel. You could also try sign up to some sort of group holiday if you're worried about being lonely.

racso1975

Why not go with a friend?

If it's a holiday you need and something positive to look forward to just book it and go.

For whatever reason be it pride or not wanting to he ain't going on a holiday this summer.

Discussing how you feel with him and letting him know you are disappointed and angry is not putting him under pressure. It's a rational discussion as part of and adult relationship. Otherwise you just bury your feelings and they manifest themselves in other ways.

Enjoy your hols.

SBM111

And at what point does the line get drawn regarding the promises? This is the fourth time we've tried to book something and the fourth time he's broken the same promise in a year. Of course he needs a night out, but what he spend on these nights out could actually pay for the flights if he was serious

I feel that he may have been making promises that he can't keep, but that you should probably have recognised that they were unrealistic.

It is a bit unfair to expect him to give up nights out over the summer and to go into debt when he is facing unemployment.

If he had the money or if say the nights out were more frequent or more expensive you would be right to feel aggrieved but if he doesn't have the money there isn't much you can do about it unless you can afford to pay for both of you.

SBM111

Well he does have some money. He's getting 400 a week paid until the end of this month the he'll get dole as he's eligible. He's planned to spend a full week drinking at a festival in a few weeks and 2 days drinking this weekend which would cover the flight if you consider the amount spent on food drink and taxis. I feel this is an insult as he's telling me how broke he is but when it comes to going out and drinking there's not a mention of money

woodchuck

SBM111 wrote: »

And at what point does the line get drawn regarding the promises? This is the fourth time we've tried to book something and the fourth time he's broken the same promise in a year. Of course he needs a night out, but what he spend on these nights out could actually pay for the flights if he was serious

Broken promises are a separate issue really. Does he break other promises or is it just in relation to the holiday issue? To be honest it's not really a promise that can be made though - you can't "promise" you'll go on a holiday in a years time as nobody knows what their situation will actually be like in relation to annual leave, finances etc until closer to the time. You can endeavour to do so, but not make a genuine promise. At most you could both agree to a saving plan to make sure you have the funds to go away at a future date. E.g. if you each save x amount per month. However it's a bit of a moot point now if his work is in jeopardy - it would be foolish to use any savings towards a holiday in that situation, even if that's what they were originally earmarked for.

I'd be interested in the context in which these promises were made... how did those conversations go? Were they heated discussions he was trying to say something/anything to diffuse the situation? I think we would need more information to advise you properly.

SBM111

woodchuck wrote: »

Broken promises are a separate issue really. Does he break other promises or is it just in relation to the holiday issue? To be honest it's not really a promise that can be made though - you can't "promise" you'll go on a holiday in a years time as nobody knows what their situation will actually be like in relation to annual leave, finances etc until closer to the time. You can endeavour to do so, but not make a genuine promise. At most you could both agree to a saving plan to make sure you have the funds to go away at a future date. E.g. if you each save x amount per month. However it's a bit of a moot point now if his work is in jeopardy - it would be foolish to use any savings towards a holiday in that situation, even if that's what they were originally earmarked for.

I'd be interested in the context in which these promises were made... how did those conversations go? Were they heated discussions he was trying to say something/anything to diffuse the situation? I think we would need more information to advise you properly.

No heated discussions at all. Last year he promised he'd take me away for a night somewhere in Ireland after I found out about my dad having cancer and he lied to me, told me he had no money despite earning 500 a week and spent the week drinking with his mates instead. He agreed he was a d*** and promised a holiday in December never happened February never happened then it was April never happened and then it was definitely June he had "saved" so much but then spent it on whatever

woodchuck

SBM111 wrote: »

Well he does have some money. He's getting 400 a week paid until the end of this month the he'll get dole as he's eligible. He's planned to spend a full week drinking at a festival in a few weeks and 2 days drinking this weekend which would cover the flight if you consider the amount spent on food drink and taxis. I feel this is an insult as he's telling me how broke he is but when it comes to going out and drinking there's not a mention of money

I have no idea how much he spends on drink or a night out (it can vary wildly between individuals), but obviously he doesn't want to make any sacrifices to his lifestyle in order to finance a holiday. It could be that he genuinely intended on having extra money to go on a holiday in addition to funding his lifestyle, but then things turned sour financially and he can no longer do both. Going on a holiday obviously isn't a priority for him compared to the rest of his social plans. Again, he shouldn't have made promises about a holiday to begin with...

How is your relationship generally OP? The more you post, the more I think the holiday issue is the symptom of a bigger issue...

Pawwed Rig

Why does he have to take you away. Why not take him away. Go onto dealrush or one of the other offer sites and book a hotel. Job done.

osarusan

SBM111 wrote: »

No heated discussions at all. Last year he promised he'd take me away for a night somewhere in Ireland after I found out about my dad having cancer and he lied to me, told me he had no money despite earning 500 a week and spent the week drinking with his mates instead. He agreed he was a d*** and promised a holiday in December never happened February never happened then it was April never happened and then it was definitely June he had "saved" so much but then spent it on whatever

Regardless of the money, the guy should stop making promises he never keeps.

Sounds like money is a way to renege on promises he makes easily and which he isn't that bothered at all about keeping.

Ursus Horribilis

Is he a good partner in other ways? He's starting to sound rather feckless.

woodchuck

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Is he a good partner in other ways? He's starting to sound rather feckless.

I'd be curious to know how old he is too. From his behaviour he sounds like he could be in his early 20s and just wants to live it up, but may eventually grow out of the partying lifestyle. I'd be worried about a major incompatibility issue if he's much older though.

weldoninhio

SBM111 wrote: »

Well he does have some money. He's getting 400 a week paid until the end of this month the he'll get dole as he's eligible. He's planned to spend a full week drinking at a festival in a few weeks and 2 days drinking this weekend which would cover the flight if you consider the amount spent on food drink and taxis. I feel this is an insult as he's telling me how broke he is but when it comes to going out and drinking there's not a mention of money

Sounds like he's stringing you along. He wants a relationship, but doesn't want it to interfere the plans he has with his mates. If you are happy to be second fiddle, fair enough, but if not you'd be better of letting him know, because he'll keep stringing you along as long as he can get away with it.

SBM111

He's 25

Big Bag of Chips

Can you go on holiday with friends? It's often easy to make promises that then tend to fall by the wayside. How many times have you said to someone "We should meet up more often" and then never meet up?! I think now the holiday is just to make a point. You want him to go on holiday with you because he promised. Even if it means getting in to debt. A holiday for him isn't necessarily a priority, or it seems so far in the distance that he's not actively planning for it.

Go on a holiday, without him. You need/would love a holiday. So go with someone else. A friend, a cousin, a family member. Just because you're a couple doesn't mean you have to go on holiday together. You'd like to, but he can't/won't. So go without him.

If he's a good partner otherwise, let this one slide. If he's generally inconsiderate and puts you low down his list of priorities then maybe you need a serious chat about what you both expect from a relationship.

leggo

Are you totally out of order? A little, sorry.

First off, you know that €400-500 a week isn't a LOT of money? It adds up quite easily, especially once you start living away from home etc, but even if you're not it's fine to live on but doesn't mean you've unlimited freedom to do what you want. And the dole is the bare minimum, especially if you want some kind of a social life. It's totally unfair to add up his wages like they're yours to spend and assume, on his behalf, that he can afford it when he's telling you otherwise. It's not your call to make. Maybe you've a bit of say when you're older and living together etc but not at the stage you're at.

He shouldn't make promises and then not keep them. But also, plans can change once financial reality kicks in. That happens to all of us. But if you feel like he constantly makes promises and doesn't keep him, or if you want to be with someone who can always afford holidays, then you can be with who you want and break up with this guy if it's that big of a deal?

You do sound like you've had a rough year and like you need a holiday. I get that and completely sympathise. So get talking to your own friends about getting a weekend away etc.

Dial Hard

Pawwed Rig wrote:

Why does he have to take you away. Why not take him away. Go onto dealrush or one of the other offer sites and book a hotel. Job done.

Read the OP. She offered to pay for the holiday and he still won't go.

woodchuck

Dial Hard wrote: »

Read the OP. She offered to pay for the holiday and he still won't go.

She offered to pay and for him to pay her back. There's a big difference between a gift and an IOU.

OP for the holiday, find someone else to go with.

As for the relationship, I'd have a serious think as to whether or not you see a future with this man. Personally I wouldn't be happy with someone who makes and breaks promises regularly. Perhaps this can be solved by clearer communication, but I think you need to have a look at the relationship as a whole and see if you're genuinely happy.

groovyg

Op do you have any friends that are going way on holidays and you could join them or what's stopping you going away on a holiday by yourself? One of friends went travelling by herself around Asia and ended up joining a lot of touring groups to go see the sights. While he may not be earning a lot he could be somebody who is just terrible with money.

DoctorBoo

Sounds like he is giving priority to alcohol over you. Does he have a drink problem OP?

December2012

You're in the wrong.

You're scoring points against him - adding up nights out and pints etc.

Unless you are talking about a nights break in a hotel there is a huge difference in a holiday and what you've described.

This guy probably wants to go away when he says it, but can't. Now if he's on the dole and you want to spend time together, are you willing to do that and (god I hate the phrase!) stay-cation?

MaroonAndGreen

I don't think jumping to conclusions is helping, she said he's planned 3-4 nights out over the summer and a week at a festival. I don't see why your assuming alcohol problems. It's less than the average 25 year old male I'd guess.

Agree with the comment that OP has no business totting up what he's earning and what he should be able to afford. I also think it's quite a demand putting someone under pressure to go on a holiday. Especially someone struggling with potential unemployment. It all sounds a slight bit selfish to me. Maybe he shouldn't have agreed to something he wasn't certain of, but I don't think it's right to try to pressure someone into taking time off work when it's scarce and when they tell you they can't afford it.

I'm most shocked that you think he should give up his few nights out over the summer just to pay for flights for a holiday. I'm a young male myself and if any girlfriend tried to tell me I should be giving up my nights out for 3-4 months to pay for a holiday I can't afford then I'd be considering whether I want to be with that person TBH. You can't deny him a summer's fun when he's 25 just to go on a holiday for a few days.

It's not fair to pressure someone to give up on nights out with their friends all summer so they can go on a holiday with you. Nice and all as a couples holiday is, are we all really telling the OP that her BF is selfish by not doing this? I don't think it means anything for his commitment to the relationship.

MaroonAndGreen

Yet it's okay for the OP to demand he doesn't go out with his friends so he can pay for flights with her for a holiday? And do nothing else for the summer but draw the dole and try to make ends meet? I don't understand why it's okay for her to make demands like that to a 25 year old. They aren't 40 years old and married.

It's not like he's completely ignoring her for his friends. He just doesn't want to go on a holiday.

Emme

OP go on holidays with friends or on your own. You don't have to go with your boyfriend. He has a right to spend his money how he wants and likewise with you.

osarusan

MaroonAndGreen wrote: »

It's not like he's completely ignoring her for his friends. He just doesn't want to go on a holiday.

He should probably stop making promises to save and go on holiday if that is the case though.

I don't see any evidence that the OP is pressuring him into agreeing to holiday plans he doesn't want to make either.

TerrorFirmer

In fairness if the OP is entirely genuine, he's being a bit selfish.

Her parents have been diagnosed with terminal cancer and she wants an escape for a brief period?

Any sane, rational human being in this circumstance would forgo the nights out for a few weeks, save up the cash and go on the holiday, if not for themselves then for their partner.

Would be an entirely different kettle of fish if it was just your run of the mill holiday.

MaroonAndGreen

osarusan wrote:

I don't see any evidence that the OP is pressuring him into agreeing to holiday plans he doesn't want to make either.

Well if she isn't she's seriously considering it