Addiction and breakup

LegacyUser

Can anyone advise on a breakup with someone with an addiction issue? I know it's the right thing to do. I feel really guilty however I do want to remove myself completely from the situation. The family have no idea. I have serious concerns for my partner's mental health but I can no longer tell the truth from the lies. I have seen a major personality shift and don't know if partner realises the severity of the problem. I'm starting counselling myself. I'm worried a breakup will worsen the problem but can't stay either. I never saw this coming, I'm kind of in shock. I can honestly say no one in circle of friends or family would ever expect this or perhaps ever believe it.

Sephiroth_dude

Addbreak wrote: »

Can anyone advise on a breakup with someone with an addiction issue? I know it's the right thing to do. I feel really guilty however I do want to remove myself completely from the situation. The family have no idea. I have serious concerns for my partner's mental health but I can no longer tell the truth from the lies. I have seen a major personality shift and don't know if partner realises the severity of the problem. I'm starting counselling myself. I'm worried a breakup will worsen the problem but can't stay either. I never saw this coming, I'm kind of in shock. I can honestly say no one in circle of friends or family would ever expect this or perhaps ever believe it.

You gotta do what's best for you, if breaking up was the right thing too do so be it, maybe talk too his/her family and make them aware of the issue?.

leggo

If you're concerned for their safety or the safety of others, it's then okay to let family know. A Facebook message/text/email with all relevant info is acceptable. Do so after the split, though, as the person may lose it when you do and it's best not to add that to the immediate drama. Once you let them know, that's your job done. You've done your best as their former partner to help them and it's not your responsibility anymore.

The guilt will stay with you for a while, but it doesn't make it the wrong choice either. A person has to want to be helped before you can help them. If they don't, you've no option. You just have to keep reminding yourself of this whenever the guilt crops up and stay strong.

Snookercues

Hi Addbreak

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I went through the same with my ex (alcohol) and I was almost at my wits end trying to "mind" him - our friends had some remote idea that he had a problem as he would let the guard down on a few social occasions, but our families had no idea.

I just finally broke one night, and that I would think from reading your post seems to have happened you - it is the moment of realisation that you can not keep the show on the road any longer and can not take the emotional abuse, the lies, the deception.

When you make the decision to leave, trust me, it will feel like the biggest burden has been taken off your back. You are an adult, your partner is an adult, and you can not be responsible for his/her choices in life - I had to put all thoughts of guilt aside and try and heal myself from years of torment.

Please just remember that you have done nothing to deserve this - you need to take care of yourself and unfortunately your partner must take responsibility for his / her actions.

I hope this helps somewhat.

Snooker.

LegacyUser

Thank you all. Yes, the decision has been made, no turning back. I don't think trust could ever be re-established anyway. If the behaviour exhibited towards me of late was in the absence of an addiction I'd be running for hills and patting self on back for getting away. Those around me have suggested not to tell them family. At this stage the lies are so good/complex I'd end up looking crazy. I don't really care if the family think I'm some kind of ar**hole that ran but it's a shame to see someone spiral so desperately. Only for proof I'd think I was crazy. Lots of really crappy behaviours now making sense. I don't know how anyone stays. Fair play to those that try.

buswankers

Addbreak wrote: »

Thank you all. Yes, the decision has been made, no turning back. I don't think trust could ever be re-established anyway. If the behaviour exhibited towards me of late was in the absence of an addiction I'd be running for hills and patting self on back for getting away. Those around me have suggested not to tell them family. At this stage the lies are so good/complex I'd end up looking crazy. I don't really care if the family think I'm some kind of ar**hole that ran but it's a shame to see someone spiral so desperately. Only for proof I'd think I was crazy. Lots of really crappy behaviours now making sense. I don't know how anyone stays. Fair play to those that try.

I'd strongly recommend telling his family - that is if you have a good relationship with them. I am going through something very similar myself and I could not carry the stress/worry/burden alone. Completely agree re trust by the way once it is broken it is very very difficult to repair. Is he aware he has an addiction? That's the first step to recovery. They usually have to hit rock bottom and you dont want to be around for any of that.

LegacyUser

No not close to the family really. I can't tell if the realisation it's a full blown addiction has hit and it might not even after my departure. There's a new bunch of friends on the scene, this would be very much their norm. I'm left out of any plans that involve them. Complete enablers that make me look like the issue in their issue. It's almost as if my partner thinks we've just changed, have different outlooks etc. Yeah I'm aware of the having to hit bottom theory but I don't know if it holds true for all. I'm hoping my leaving won't increase the speed of downward spiral.