Good to girlfriend but not good at being responsible

LegacyUser

So here's the issue,

My girlfriend and I have been together 3 years now. In the early days our relationships it was amazing, I was able to show so much love and care, and I still do but the problem is that my lack of responsibility as an adult is starting to show.

I did college for five years, and apart from internships I never had a proper job in that time. I did recently get a job, and its a really good one although its minimum wage but I don't drive yet, I'm living with my parents and I find adult responsibilities in general challenging.

It can be something like not knowing how to react when she's asking me to look around when driving, being safe when bulls are around (she lives in the country), not knowing how to react if an intruder broke into the house, the list goes on.

I really want to become a responsible adult, and I do try to be but I feel that sometimes I try too hard and think too much. In addition I have no plans to move out as I am saving up to buy a house with her in the future and buy my own car so funds are tight.

Anyone know what is the best way to turn your life around if you find crises challenging and sometimes fail to resolve them quickly?

Ursus Horribilis

I might be barking up the wrong tree here so forgive me if I'm wrong. You're coming across as someone who's so caught up in trying to impress your girlfriend, you're putting undue pressure on yourself. It's almost as if she's on a pedestal and you're afraid you'll fail to come up with the goods.

What you're describing sounds perfectly normal to me. Unfortunately these days, having 5 years of college under your belt does not mean you'll be walking into a well paid job straight away. Hopefully this job you've landed now will lead to your career taking off in time. You're on the path and you'll get there. Learning how to drive and to become comfortable in the car takes time. Does your girlfriend make you feel on edge when you're in the car with her? How do you feel when you're on your own?

I'm afraid I don't have any particular words of wisdom for you. All I can tell you is that as you live your life and get older, you'll get better at this stuff. It's a natural part of growing up. You're never going to know the answers to everything and there's no shame in asking people for advice. You're still only young and finding your way in the world. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

baby and crumble

Pro tip op: 99% of adults are faking it.

I'm 35 and I own my own house. I haven't a notion what to do if an intruder came in tbh. I'm intimidated by he local kids (who've never actually done anything to us, I hasten to add). The thoughts of dealing with electricians and plumbers fills me with dread. I mean I do it if I have to but it's painfully obvious that I don't know what's going on when I do.

Some people are just able for that kind of thing. Myself and my partner have a sort of "divide and conquer" approach. We don't both of us need to be able to do everything. I look after household bills and the groceries, cooking etc and she looks after workmen and stuff like that. Works for us.

woodchuck

Sound like you're doing alright to me OP! You've got a job and while it might be minimum wage, I'm sure there is scope to work your way up or use that experience to get a better paying job down the line. Everyone has to start somewhere!

You're living at home, but so are a lot of young adults these days. It sounds like you're doing the responsible thing to save up some money towards your future.

You can't drive yet... sounds like you're living in a city? Again, nothing unusual there! Loads of young adults living in cities don't learn to drive until they're older these days. Especially with the astronomical cost of insurance etc. I'm guessing you're comparing yourself to your girlfriend? However my understanding is that it's pretty much a necessity to learn to drive when you're living in the country as the public transport is so poor.

Being safe when bulls are around?! Sorry, I laughed at this!! Sure what would us city folk know about bulls Just take whatever your girlfriends advice is on this one!!

As for an intruder breaking into the house. I bet most people wouldn't know what to do in that situation. Panic? Call the guards?

Is there anything specific that is causing an issue in your relationship? Sounds like you might be worrying over nothing.

Flibble

OP, are you putting this pressure on yourself or is your partner mentioning these things to you?

woodchuck

baby and crumble wrote: »

Pro tip op: 99% of adults are faking it.

Totally agree. Also 99% of being an adult is googling things!!

LegacyUser

not_responsible wrote: »

It can be something like not knowing how to react when she's asking me to look around when driving, being safe when bulls are around (she lives in the country), not knowing how to react if an intruder broke into the house, the list goes on.

What a weird list. You shouldn't have to be asked to be observant while driving, that's a given and in the event that someone has to remind you, your reaction is pretty simple, you do it. If you're not from a farming background, then nobody could expect you to be particularly aware of animal behaviour, but knowing how to behave around a bull is fairly simple too; stay the hell away, you have no need to be anywhere near it. Not knowing how to react to an intruder is common, I would say 90%+ of people have no true idea what they'd do and those who tell you what they'd do are generally talking nonsense, they have as little clue as the rest of us. Thankfully it's a rare event, no matter what the papers say, so it's unlikely you'll ever have to deal with it.

I'm pointing out that it's an odd list because I suspect you're focussing on the wrong things and for whatever reason, your girlfriend has lost patience with you and those things are symptoms of how she feels about you, not causes. Perhaps she's fed up of you living at home after 3 years together, or being on minimum wage and that situation not looking like it'll change anytime soon. If you're not driving and she lives in the country, I'm guessing it's mostly her that has to come to you and it's been that way for most of the 3 years, which would get wearing for most people. Perhaps she doesn't like living in the country and thought you getting a job would mean moving in together somewhere that suited better. Only she knows the answers to how she feeling and you won't get an accurate answer from strangers on the 'net, you're going to have to talk to her and ask her what she's feeling about you and the future together.

mahamageehad

While I agree with most of the posters to an extent, I was in a situation like this not too long about and it was infuriating.

OP, this may not apply to you, but while you're living at home you should still try and learn some adult skills. I'm guessing you're about 24? At this stage you should be able to cook a few basic meals, do your own washing and do a basic budget. Do you hand up money at home or have responsibility for one of the bills? Driving isn't important, especially not if you live in a city, but if you can't handle the basics, I can see her point. Don't beat yourself up over the intruder thing either, sure no one knows how they'd react!

Big Bag of Chips

I'm 40 this year, along with a few of my friends. We had a chat a few months ago about when do you become 'an adult'. We're obviously all that age so should have gotten the hang of it by now, but we all still see ourselves as young. We all still look at our parents and think THEY'RE the adults! I have children, a house, a car, I do washing, I make lunches, I organise stuff that needs to be done... But sometimes I look around and think "Who let me do this? Why did nobody stop me?".

I don't know what I'd do if an intruder broke in. You can't possibly know. It's not a situation you can plan for really. They might be armed, they might not. You might be asleep, you might be eating your dinner. You just can't plan for that. And most people would be terrified.

All the other stuff, it just comes with practice and experience. Some people are brilliant. They're natural organisers and naturally able. The rest of us plod along and realise that life happens and you just go along with it doing the best you can to keep up!

I volunteer with a kids group, and the other night one of the leaders was asking the children to do something. Really simple. They were carrying something, and he asked them to put it down in the corner. It took 4 attempts at asking them and they still looked confused at what they were being asked to do! These kids were around 11! When the kids had moved on I said to him that I was glad it wasn't only my children who were eejits! He laughed and said we're all eejits! He said we all have those moments when we do something really stupid and still can't figure it out... And he's dead right!

You're only young. I'm not so young and I'm still only figuring it all out.

baby and crumble

I suppose I kind of assume the OP has basics down like cooking, cleaning, laundry, basic budgeting. If not, then yeah, deffo try get those skills down. I was just pointing out that now that I'm getting towards middle age I've been an adult for longer that I was a child, pretty much, and I still have no idea what's going on. And tbh I know that a lot of my friends see me as the responsible one because we've managed to buy a house, I have a permanent job with a pension and I'm getting married.

And also the fact I can list those things is TERRIFYING to me. :eek:

silverharp

not_responsible wrote: »

I really want to become a responsible adult, and I do try to be but I feel that sometimes I try too hard and think too much. In addition I have no plans to move out as I am saving up to buy a house with her in the future and buy my own car so funds are tight.

you sound responsible enough to me, there have been threads here complaining about their boyfriend still living at home and up to their ears in debts and probably heading for 30.
be patient, as long as you are gainfully employed in something that will open opportunities for you if you are generally competent and work hard, it will all fall into place

tara73

OP, could it be your girlfriend is a bit on the anxious side and you taking it in? I mean, the 'bull' thing, I guess you were in the fields where bulls were and she was observing your reaction? same with the driving and 'intruder stuff'. sounds kind of weird, and honestly, I think the problem here is your girlfriend who seems to assess you all the time and is addressing it also to you.

no wonder you're loosing your self esteem. Take a step back and look what she's doing. It's not a healthy thing to criticise your partner all the time. It's also controlling. You need to address this with her. You surely not perfect but nobody is, she's not either, so how would she feel if you would look out what she's not doing right all the time and pointing it out to her.

Cupcake_Crisis

Do you remember when you were a kid and you used to look at adults and think 'wow, they're so grown up'

Well they weren't. A lot of being an adult is feeling like a tall child, wandering around looking for an adultier adult to help you.

Honestly, the best you can do is your best. Meet your commitments and pay your bills. It sounds like you're doing the responsible thing by saving for a house, you have a job and a partner so I don't understand why you're bring so hard on yourself.

I'm an adult and half the time I haven't a bloody clue what I'm doing. It is what it is.

professore

not_responsible wrote: »

So here's the issue,

My girlfriend and I have been together 3 years now. In the early days our relationships it was amazing, I was able to show so much love and care, and I still do but the problem is that my lack of responsibility as an adult is starting to show.

I did college for five years, and apart from internships I never had a proper job in that time. I did recently get a job, and its a really good one although its minimum wage but I don't drive yet, I'm living with my parents and I find adult responsibilities in general challenging.

It can be something like not knowing how to react when she's asking me to look around when driving, being safe when bulls are around (she lives in the country), not knowing how to react if an intruder broke into the house, the list goes on.

I really want to become a responsible adult, and I do try to be but I feel that sometimes I try too hard and think too much. In addition I have no plans to move out as I am saving up to buy a house with her in the future and buy my own car so funds are tight.

Anyone know what is the best way to turn your life around if you find crises challenging and sometimes fail to resolve them quickly?

What is she doing? Does she "know everything"? Big red flag if she does - because no one does. Is she saving lots of money for this shared house? Your girlfriend is not your mammy. She is someone you should have a fairly equal relationship with and not someone who is trying to change you in a hundred different ways. You are doing your best and seem to know where you are going and what you want. That's a good bit ahead of 90% of people.

peckerhead

The best thing to do is to look away and slowly back away. Avoid eye contact, and never turn your back (I'm talking about the bulls here).

The rest of the stuff has been covered. Relax and enjoy what will probably be in many respects the most enjoyable, carefree years of your life. I had to 'grow up' very young, and it ain't all it's cracked up to be.

RoisinClare6

Op, you are doing ok!

Honestly I think a lot of us feel like this, I'm 25, renting with the boyfriend for the past 2 years, have a job, a dog etc. Was having a conversation with my sister's the other day and they were asking when I was gonna have kids. I laughed saying I can't even take care of myself but they told me I actually do. I swear sometimes I have moments where it hits me that I'm actually an adult now and its a little overwhelming. Most likely because I was mammy'd until I was 22.

We're all kinda just wondering about trying to make things work. Don't pressure yourself into thinking you should feel a certain way because you think Its the 'norm' we are all just lost boys really.

LegacyUser

At this stage you have left college and got your 1st job. I know it is only paying min wage but you getting experience that will help you get a better job in 12 to 18 months time.

In regards to the driving you can't drive yet but you have just started to work. I know that their is an intensive driving course that lasts a week in Dublin and you can do your test at the end of the week. This might be worth looking into as it will let you get a driving licence without the cost of buy a car, insurance ect.
The reality is that a car costs a lot of money to keep on the road and if you live in a city you may have no need for one however having a driving licience could give you more options job wise.

How could you know about dealing with bulls in a field if you have no experince of living on a farm or don't come from a rural community? I worked in a city for years and I know some of the people I worked with would have no idea about farming. In fact once you lived outside the M50 you lived in the back of beyond.

I know you living at home at the moment. Can I ask you do you know how to use a washing machine? Do you wash and iron your own clothes? Can you cook a meal? Could you follow a recipe from a cook book and make a meal or a cake? Could you plan a weeks meals and shop on a limited budget for this?
Can you budget your money so you can save? If your paid monthly do you still have money the last week of the month?
These are the things you should learn how to do now if you can't do them already.

I would just watch how your girlfriend treats you. Is she always demanding things? Does she keep mentioning your lack of being able to drive or the fact you don't have a car yet? I know some woman who were spoilt as kids and they think their boyfriend should pick up the tab always like daddy did up to now.

I was friendly with this man once. He told me that at one time he was engaged to this woman. He started to see what she was really like ie wanting her own way always, demanding in regards to a house, presents ect. He decided to end things with her and he said it was the best thing he did in his life. A few years later she married a man who was wealth but their marriage broke up a few years later.

Maximus Alexander

Yeah I'm 31, engaged, in the process of buying a house, and have a job with a fair bit of responsibility. Most of the time I've no idea how this happened or what I'm doing. Nobody else knows that though because, just like most other people, I'm really good at making it look like I'm a grown up. The older you get the more you realise that even though everyone's body gets older, they're still walking around with the same brain in their head that was in there at 18. Just do your best and it will be enough.

greencap

Foresight and planning. Until you reach high experience level.

Know where you're going in advance and try to foresee what might come up.

If you can cook then you can follow a set process of ingredients and timing.


Duplicate this for any situation.

Plan in advance.

I'll read the instructions, add ingredient A and B, then wait five minute and add ingredient C.

Becomes:

I'll research the planned situation, do X and Y, then five minutes later it should be time for Z.

After enough experience you'll be able to improvise on the spot.