Is he trying to flirt?

LegacyUser

So, I am actually slightly embarrassed by this one. It's schoolgirl level ridiculous, so gone anon'.

I have over the last few months met a man, whom I meet within a group once a week, and I find myself attracted to him. I mean it's always very friendly when we chat and I have made it more than clear I enjoy his company and would like to spend more time with him. A few weeks ago, I literally said as much in a very sincere manner, pretty much giving him the green light to ask me out. And I know I'm not the greatest at flirting, but I'm pretty sure there was no way it could have been misconstrued as anything else. Then again, since I made it abundantly clear I was interested, he has stated a few times in conversation how useless he is at reading when a woman is flirting with him, so there is that, I guess. It all just seems like more mixed signals, to be honest.

So fast forward another few weeks, we still meet once a week, and still nothing but the same mixed signals, both positive and negative.

Confusing signals include (but not limited to):

- him repeatedly touching my shoulders in conversation, or just placing his hand there for no reason as we exit a room, like he is guiding me (again, could be totally innocent, and, yes, I feel like I'm 15 again writing this)

- he seemingly chooses to sit near me

- actually states how useless he is at flirting when talking to me (which is a subject he brought up soon after the evening I pretty much said "call me!")

- sometimes talks about finding a partner (seemingly gauging reaction)

- sometimes comments on the looks of other women when I'm nearby (which seems, even for the short amount of time I've known him, somewhat out of character - again like he is gauging reaction... then again, he could just be treating me as a friend at this stage)

- compliments me on what I'm wearing quite often.

So, I have no idea. He is introverted to a fault, it seems. But the most confusing signal came yesterday, when he turned down the opportunity to spend more time alone with me: after initially seeming to be up for it, he grew awkward and made excuses to go.

I'm not crazy about doing all the chasing either, so aside from wondering if he is just inept at flirting or just not that into me, I am also wondering should I back off completely. At this point I'm just growing more-and-more annoyed by his behaviour.

Tokyo

Why are you sitting around, waiting for him to 'read the signs'? Why don't you ask him out?

LegacyUser

mike_ie wrote: »

Why are you sitting around, waiting for him to 'read the signs'? Why don't you ask him out?

The problem with that is it might make our group meet-ups awkward as hell. Even so, if he gave me once clear, unambiguous sign, I would.

Clearly, you didn't get the point of my thread.

But thanks for trying.

BetsyEllen

mike_ie wrote: »

Why are you sitting around, waiting for him to 'read the signs'? Why don't you ask him out?

To be fair, she's already told him she would like to spend some more time with him.
And then when the chance came to be alone, he turned it down.

I'd be thinking the same as the OP here and wouldn't be doing any more chasing.

OP I think he does like you but is shy; I was in a similar position recently enough and in the end it put me off him. I like a man to be confident and take the lead so his reluctance to do so meant I stopped fancying him pretty quickly.

eoins23456

I would just ask him out and stop with all the time wasting. If its been going on a few months just nip it in the bud. If he rejects the idea then you know where you stand and can move on.

LegacyUser

BetsyEllen wrote: »

To be fair, she's already told him she would like to spend some more time with him.
And then when the chance came to be alone, he turned it down.

I'd be thinking the same as the OP here and wouldn't be doing any more chasing.

OP I think he does like you but is shy; I was in a similar position recently enough and in the end it put me off him. I like a man to be confident and take the lead so his reluctance to do so meant I stopped fancying him pretty quickly.

Yeah, I have a sneaking suspicion even if he does like me, he'll never take the risk and act on it. Even after I have pretty much laid it all out for him, something which is totally out of my normal comfort zone to do. I'm seriously not getting enough positive response from him to push beyond what I've already put out there -i.e. made sure he took my number and asked him to get in touch outside groups if he wants (wink implied). That's all I can do without totally ruining the atmosphere for me during our shared meet-ups.

Also, call me old fashioned, but I much prefer a guy to at least try take the lead.

LLMMLL

Honestly, many of the signals in your list are not signals at all in my opinion. When were infatuated with someone almost anything can be a signal:

A: he sat beside me = he likes me
B: he didn't sit beside me = he's shy and doesn't want to come on to strong = he likes me

When you're at this level of analysis, you're not going to be able to analyse the situation accurately at all.

From your description it's going nowhere unless you ask him out.

Other than doing that, I'd say back off and try to move on.

neonsofa

EmbarrassingSchoolGirlThoughts wrote: »

The problem with that is it might make our group meet-ups awkward as hell. Even so, if he gave me once clear, unambiguous sign, I would.

Clearly, you didn't get the point of my thread.

But thanks for trying.

If this is your worry then maybe it is his too.

LegacyUser

LLMMLL wrote: »

Honestly, many of the signals in your list are not signals at all in my opinion. When were infatuated with someone almost anything can be a signal:

A: he sat beside me = he likes me
B: he didn't sit beside me = he's shy and doesn't want to come on to strong = he likes me

When you're at this level of analysis, you're not going to be able to analyse the situation accurately at all.

From your description it's going nowhere unless you ask him out.

Other than doing that, I'd say back off and try to move on.

Honestly, you could be completely right. I'm definitely not thinking clear on this.

Cheers

LegacyUser

neonsofa wrote: »

If this is your worry then maybe it is his too.

Possibly.

Though, it could be, he is just not as into me as I am him.
I am beginning to think it is the case that it is my wishful thinking rather than him flirting though.

After thinking about it for some time last night, I have come to the idea that perhaps he just feigned being oblivious to my advances rather than bluntly rejecting me. It was polite but confusing, I guess.

Oh, well... such is life.

Thanks for the reply.

leggo

EmbarrassingSchoolGirlThoughts wrote: »

The problem with that is it might make our group meet-ups awkward as hell. Even so, if he gave me once clear, unambiguous sign, I would.

Clearly, you didn't get the point of my thread.

But thanks for trying.

No need to get thick with him, he's right. Your excuses are just as valid as his would be and you're the one posting here so maybe you're more keen and the onus is on you. If you don't want to when it's clear it's what needs to happen, you don't like him that much so what's the problem?

Lux23

This would be a big red flag for me, can you imagine what a relationship would be like with someone like this? He just sounds like a head melt to me.

Mr. Incognito

Maybe he doesnt fancy you but doesnt want to make the group meet ups awkward.

In my experience if a lad wants to ask you out he will.

You could try the blunt, so when are you going to ask me out line or go more subtle and say, there's a movie X on this weekend if you want to go.

Your call.

squonk

Honestly OP your thread and line of thinking wrecked my head. Just ask him if he wants to meet up oir a drink/coffee/beverage of choice outside the group some evening of weekend.

You're both adults. It's only a date and if he declines, fair enough. It hardly affects the group Meetup. You just know now where you stand and, as it's a group, you can sit with someine else for a few evenings while you lick your wounds. Just be direct and stop this wink-wink nonsense.

LegacyUser

squonk wrote: »

Honestly OP your thread and line of thinking wrecked my head. Just ask him if he wants to meet up oir a drink/coffee/beverage of choice outside the group some evening of weekend.

You're both adults. It's only a date and if he declines, fair enough. It hardly affects the group Meetup. You just know now where you stand and, as it's a group, you can sit with someine else for a few evenings while you lick your wounds. Just be direct and stop this wink-wink nonsense.

I apologise for wrecking your head... believe me, yours in not half as wrecked as mine.

I believe I asked him for a drink already, to which he acted skittish at best. As I said, after thinking about it, I feel he's just not that into me. I mean, what guy would turn the opportunity to spend time with a woman if he fancied her. I don't care how introverted you are.

Also, the problem with your suggestion is that it is a small group and generally speaking we all share a small space throughout the meet.

Again, thank you for the reply.

LegacyUser

leggo wrote: »

No need to get thick with him, he's right. Your excuses are just as valid as his would be and you're the one posting here so maybe you're more keen and the onus is on you. If you don't want to when it's clear it's what needs to happen, you don't like him that much so what's the problem?

you are right. There was no need for the rudeness. I apologise if I sounded ungrateful.

Also, I'm certainly more keen it would seem. As I've stated already, I think maybe he was being polite in his rejection. I won't be pursuing it any further, unless he gives me some clear sign.

Thanks.

LegacyUser

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Maybe he doesnt fancy you but doesnt want to make the group meet ups awkward.

In my experience if a lad wants to ask you out he will.

You could try the blunt, so when are you going to ask me out line or go more subtle and say, there's a movie X on this weekend if you want to go.

Your call.

Yeah, I think if he was interested he would have made a move by now. We are both single. And I've made sure he took my number, even asked him to get in touch, etc.

I don't think being as blunt as you suggest will help. I think he was letting me down easy, if I'm honest with myself.

Thanks though.

LegacyUser

Lux23 wrote: »

This would be a big red flag for me, can you imagine what a relationship would be like with someone like this? He just sounds like a head melt to me.

Yeah, to be fair, I'm a bit of one too.

Tokyo

EmbarrassingSchoolGirlThoughts wrote: »

The problem with that is it might make our group meet-ups awkward as hell. Even so, if he gave me once clear, unambiguous sign, I would.

Clearly, you didn't get the point of my thread.

But thanks for trying.

I don't believe I missed the point at all. You're applying a standard to him that you won't apply to yourself, i.e. you're concerned that if you ask him out, it might make things awkward, but are unwilling to recognise that he might have the same concerns, or might simply be shy, or apprehensive in general.

Sarcastic response aside, you can either sit in the wings and hope something happens, or you can be proactive about it. I fail to see how a "do you want to grab a coffee/drink/bite to eat this weekend" could make things any more awkward than playing a back and forth game of will-he-won't-he for weeks on end.

Flippyfloppy

EmbarrassingSchoolGirlThoughts wrote: »

After thinking about it for some time last night, I have come to the idea that perhaps he just feigned being oblivious to my advances rather than bluntly rejecting me. It was polite but confusing, I guess.

Oh, well... such is life.

Thanks for the reply.

It may have been confusing for him too...how do you reject somebody who is skirting around the issue? That's why being direct is fairer to both parties, imo

SB_Part2

I think the fact that he comments about other women's looks when you are around him would be a huge indicator to me that he's not interested in you.

Bambi985

He doesn't sound interested. I think when someone is interested, you usually know on some level. They're constantly looking at you, will find any excuse to talk to you and if you make even half of an effort to reciprocate, they'll run a mile with that and snap up any opportunity to meet up.

I think your judgement is clouded by your feelings for him and you're reading into things that aren't there. If it were me, I'd take a step back and see if he makes any effort from here on. Don't sit beside him or go out of your way to talk to him - let him come to you. If he doesn't then you have your answer.

LegacyUser

Bambi985 wrote: »

He doesn't sound interested. I think when someone is interested, you usually know on some level. They're constantly looking at you, will find any excuse to talk to you and if you make even half of an effort to reciprocate, they'll run a mile with that and snap up any opportunity to meet up.

I think your judgement is clouded by your feelings for him and you're reading into things that aren't there. If it were me, I'd take a step back and see if he makes any effort from here on. Don't sit beside him or go out of your way to talk to him - let him come to you. If he doesn't then you have your answer.

Yeah, he is a very odd person to begin with, which makes it very confusing. But I think you're correct, I don't think he is interested after all is said and done.

I'm going to take a step back, not just in person, but online too. Ido find myself liking a lot of his posts, and yes, genuinely liking them... But... yeah... you know how it is...

Thanks.

LegacyUser

SB_Part2 wrote: »

I think the fact that he comments about other women's looks when you are around him would be a huge indicator to me that he's not interested in you.

yeah, I must admit, it sounds counter-intuitive to think it could mean otherwise. But I've known men to use this tactic to gauge interest in a woman they are speaking - like to see if she reacts in a jealous manner. It's pretty common actually.

LegacyUser

Well, it turns out, he was flirting

Thanks to everyone for your replies.