Mentally ill wife

artvanderlay

Hi,

I posted here a few months ago, a long thread where I didn't always take the advice that was given to me at the time, but I appreciated the help. My wife has bipolar disorder, she left me in December, while manic/psychotic and has been unwell since. She refused to let me get involved in her care; doctors and nurses won't talk to me. She was in hospital for 3 months, I didn't know she was released last month until I noticed that she was posting a lot of stuff online that indicated that she was still clearly psychotic. I figured out that she was in McDonalds on Grafton St and approached her there, more for myself than anything else; I just wanted to see how she was and for her to see that the world doesn't end if I talk to her. She was clearly unwell and demanded I leave after 5 minutes even though I spoke to her very calmly and was friendly. She has major paranoia against me, accuses me of being abusive for 15 years of marriage; I'm no saint, but I'm not abusive.

Anyways she is infatuated with some guy she met once and has harassed ever since (she said he is communicating via morse code with her) and spends her day on twitter having imaginary conversations with him, complaining about others that have wronged her, including recently her psychicatrist and care team. She has no money, no home, her medical card expired end of March, so I don't think she has antipsychotic meds. She literally spends all her time in coffee shops on wifi and is now homeless, sleeping on the streets of Dublin. She is nearly gone anorexic as well, and I don't think she has slept much in weeks.

I called the gardai on Pearse St. to ask their advice; they said they can't really do anything until she comes to their attention - at the moment she is mostly just in cafes on the net, or else sleeping rough. I did notice on her twitter feed that McDonalds have banned her from there so maybe the situation will escalate and she might get some help, although she would not go willingly to hospital given her comments online.

My question is: is there anything else I can do to help her? I hate the idea of her being on the streets, in such a bad way. I love her with all my heart, but I accept my marriage is over; she doesn't want me, so I just want to be a friend to her now and help her get better, even from a distance. I have moved on, i'm back in Dublin in a house share, I've lined up a postgrad course for September, and i'm now looking for work. Therapy is going well too, and I've built a bit of support for myself. Please don't tell me I haven't moved on because I am still concerned about the welfare of a girl I love...I'd have to be a stone not to be moved by this situation. She has never been this bad before and I know she might have to reach rock bottom to fully accept her illness, I just don't want her in danger on the streets, and she needs somebody to take care of her.

I have left a message for her psychiatrist to call me back but it's hard to get in contact with her, and especially since my wife doesn't want me involved in her care. I'm a bit annoyed that she didn't call me anyways when my wife was released if for no other reason that my wife had posted a fake online blog in my name that threatened my reputation, and I felt I had a right to know if she was released and could possibly start harassing me again. I'd prefer to be kept in the loop because I am her husband but that counts for nothing. Should the psychiatrist have informed me when she was released?

Any advice appreciated. Please don't break my balls because I care about her.

uck51js9zml2yt

Art, you've been posting about your wife for the last 3 years.
A lot of good advice has been given to you over that time.
That you've chosen to ignore it, sadly won't leave many wanting to repeat what they've said.

That said, I'd suggest you contact some of the homeless organisations such as Simon and the McVerry Trust.The Salvation Army are also rhere. There you can at least make them aware of your wife's situation and they may be able to look out for her and offer you both support.

nikkibikki

Art, I urge you to contact Pieta House or an organisation like that. You need to look after your own mental health too. Or you'll be no good to your wife when she needs you. You can't pour from an empty cup.

artvanderlay

I'm not looking for any advice apart from can I get her some help on the street, or get someone to check up on her. I'm not rehashing my relationship, it's done. I don't want any relationship advice, I just don't know what to do when somebody is on the street like this.

Thanks for replying. I'll contact the suggested organisations.

notsoyoungwan

You don't have a right to know when ste is discharged from hospital, that's her private medical information and it's up to her who she informs or allows her doctor to inform. Her psychiatrist would have no right whatsoever to go phoning you telling you information without your (ex) wife's consent. The fact that the marriage is over only strengthens this.

artvanderlay

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

You don't have a right to know when ste is discharged from hospital, that's her private medical information and it's up to her who she informs or allows her doctor to inform. Her psychiatrist would have no right whatsoever to go phoning you telling you information without your (ex) wife's consent. The fact that the marriage is over only strengthens this.

Thanks for clarifying that. The marriage isn't officially over; we are still married. I investigated getting a separation/divorce, but because she won't contact me, I can't divorce her. If she doesn't have an address I can't send her legal documents. Mentally she's not up to this now. It's fine, it's the least of my worries at the moment, but we are still married. And in fairness she is slagging me off on twitter again, so I would have liked to be informed when she was released just so I can protect myself from that.

Airyfairy12

Can she be put into a home or involuntary admitted to a psychiatric hospital?

artvanderlay

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Can she be put into a home or involuntary admitted to a psychiatric hospital?

what happened last time was she was brought to hospital involuntarily (she was acting out in public) It will probably have to come to that again unfortunately. It's so stupid, they release her to homelessness or else living in a hostel. Now she probably pushed to get out and lied to them a bit, but she has a stress-related illness so coming out of hospital to the stress of having no money, and looking for a place to live in Dublin was bound to cause a relapse. It's just so ridiculous that they keep going around in circles with this.

Airyfairy12

artvanderlay wrote: »

what happened last time was she was brought to hospital involuntarily (she was acting out in public) It will probably have to come to that again unfortunately. It's so stupid, they release her to homelessness or else living in a hostel. Now she probably pushed to get out and lied to them a bit, but she has a stress-related illness so coming out of hospital to the stress of having no money, and looking for a place to live in Dublin was bound to cause a relapse. It's just so ridiculous that they keep going around in circles with this.

The mental health services are a disgrace. At this stage all you can do is hope she gets admitted somewhere. Has she got any other friends or family? are they trying to help?

Big Bag of Chips

artvanderlay wrote: »

And in fairness she is slagging me off on twitter again, so I would have liked to be informed when she was released just so I can protect myself from that.

How?
If you had known she was released what could you have done to protect yourself from her posting on Twitter about you?
Now you know she is out, what have you done to protect yourself from that?

There's really not a lot you can do to help someone if they are determined not to let you help. As previously mentioned, maybe contact some of the homeless charities. Your wife is not right at the moment, and any help you try to offer, or any time you approach her you are only antagonising an already volatile situation.

There's not much you can do, unfortunately. I think at this stage it's clear you need to hand this over to her family. I think I remember you saying she was in contact with her brother at one point. You are not equipped to deal with this. You haven't been able to help her for a very long time.

Edit: it doesn't matter if you are married, or not, if she has told her doctors not to discuss her medical care with you, then they won't. You could be happily married, still living together as a couple and if she wanted it kept private, it would be.

njs030

artvanderlay wrote: »

what happened last time was she was brought to hospital involuntarily (she was acting out in public) It will probably have to come to that again unfortunately. It's so stupid, they release her to homelessness or else living in a hostel. Now she probably pushed to get out and lied to them a bit, but she has a stress-related illness so coming out of hospital to the stress of having no money, and looking for a place to live in Dublin was bound to cause a relapse. It's just so ridiculous that they keep going around in circles with this.

Is there anyone she trusts? She seems to have turned against you for her own reasons (mental health is so complex god knows what they are) but if she had anyone to turn to for support it might take some weight off you.

It must be very hard for you but do look after yourself and try to have a life of your own and well.

notsoyoungwan

artvanderlay wrote: »

Thanks for clarifying that. The marriage isn't officially over; we are still married. I investigated getting a separation/divorce, but because she won't contact me, I can't divorce her. If she doesn't have an address I can't send her legal documents. Mentally she's not up to this now. It's fine, it's the least of my worries at the moment, but we are still married. And in fairness she is slagging me off on twitter again, so I would have liked to be informed when she was released just so I can protect myself from that.

Even if the marriage isn't officially over, ye are estranged. There's no way her doctor can keep you informed without her express consent. And to be fair, in most psychiatric units all but the most acutely ill patients have access to their phones, meaning she can still tweet/blog about you while she's in hospital.

leggo

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Your wife is not right at the moment, and any help you try to offer, or any time you approach her you are only antagonising an already volatile situation.

This. If she's decided she doesn't want your help, then all you're doing is causing her further stress by trying to force it on her. You have to let people go when they want to be let go, as difficult as that is. Pass all you know onto her family so your conscience is clear then get gone. That's all there is to it sadly.

artvanderlay

She turned against her few friends while unwell, insulted them, accused them of all sorts. They are waiting for her to get better, and are keeping their distance. I have contacted her family multiple times, but they never get back to me. It's like they don't care at all, which is sad for my wife. I told her brother he can bury his head in the sand all he wants, but he'll probably meet her homeless on the streets of Dublin.

Originally Posted by Big Bag of Chips
Your wife is not right at the moment, and any help you try to offer, or any time you approach her you are only antagonising an already volatile situation.
This. If she's decided she doesn't want your help, then all you're doing is causing her further stress by trying to force it on her. You have to let people go when they want to be let go, as difficult as that is. Pass all you know onto her family so your conscience is clear then get gone. That's all there is to it sadly.


This is so right. I get it, I really do. I just wanted to try everything I could to help first.

Penny Tration

Ah mate. I get that you want to fix this, but you can't.

The only way she'll get off the streets is if she's either involuntarily admitted to hospital, or chooses to go.

Until one of those two happen, there's nothing you can do. I know she's very ill, but there's nothing you can do, you can't fix it. You can try have her sectioned again, bit that's the limit of what you can do.


Frankly, no matter how much love you have for her, I think you need to let it go. You can't fix her.

leggo

artvanderlay wrote: »

This is so right. I get it, I really do. I just wanted to try everything I could to help first.

Good, man. Look if you remember your last thread you'll remember I identify and empathise with so much you've said. But the reality here is that, if you persist, eventually you'll essentially just be harassing a homeless, mentally ill person. Take a step back and think about that for a second. That doesn't sound like that's who you are. But that's what it is. It's time to walk away for good, you've done all you can.

pc7

Can you contact her family or direct them to twitter etc? Then for your own sanity please block her on social media etc for your own health.

artvanderlay

pc7 wrote: »

Can you contact her family or direct them to twitter etc? Then for your own sanity please block her on social media etc for your own health.

Family don't want to know. Brother who is in Dublin ignores all my contact, same with mother in India. They're useless, forget them.

I am going to try to have her sectioned again, and I'm going to leave it then. I'm just going to point her out to gardai, they can assess her, if they won't bring her to hospital then that's it. I'm going to show them her twitter feed, and I'm hoping because she is so psychotic that she won't be able to hide it from the gardai. If she does, I've tried my best and I'm walking away until somebody contacts me. Thanks again for replies. I'm not going to drag the thread out this time, I just can't leave her without trying everything to help her.

banoffe2

Hi OP
you have invested a lot of your time and energy to help your wife, it must be so worrying and frustrating knowing how unwell and vulnerable she is.

I have personal experience and can identify, I spoke to all the professionals too and got the same response, patient confidentiality, compliant with policy and procedure etc

Being powerless is one of the most difficult things in life. I hope you find the courage and strength to let go, that doesn't mean that you care less, she has been and obviously still is in the hands of a professional medical team which would have a follow up outpatient service after she has been discharged from the hospital. If she is not willing to co operate no one can help her, despite all the help that is out there, some unfortunates are not willing to accept the help, for one reason or another, it is heart-breaking to watch someone you love and care about go down that road of self destruction and the constant fear of the unknown can become all consuming if you allow it, you have a final plan in place and if you do that it will surely put your mind at ease, regardless of the response you get from the services, at least you know you have done your best and there is no more you can do.

As hard as it is and I don't meant to sound selfish but you have to take care of yourself and your own mental health.
The only one we can and need to change is ourselves and our own attitudes.

SimpleDimples

I remember your previous threads.

You cannot save someone who doesn't want to be saved. It's only natural you want to help her/fix things/not give up on her etc but you have to realise that as heartbreaking as it is there is nothing you can do. Absolutely nothing.

artvanderlay

I spoke to a garda, and he was very honest; there is nothing they can do if she is not making an obvious nuisance of herself. He gave me the email address of the sergeant in a city centre garda station, and told me to put as much detail into my email. They will at least be aware of her presence as a homeless person in city centre.

I also spoke to a member of the Simon community rough sleeper team..they are going to keep an eye out for her too and they will try to get a medical person to assess her. She's started contacting people on twitter again, harassing them. She looks woeful and she is now down to around 90lbs. She's alone on the street, no money, no meds and I'm worried about her. She's not even Irish. I'll feel better if I think other people are keeping an eye out for her or at least know that she is vulnerable and on the streets. And that now is pretty much all I can do. Thanks to whoever recommended contacting the homeless organisations.

banoffe2

Well done OP