Dealing with ongoing terror and ptsd

emmetjordan

My name is <XX>. I'm 18 and born and raised in Dublin. I previously had faith in the authorities, the Justice system and in people in general, that was until July 2016. I had just finished leaving cert, and I was looking forward to enjoying my summer. I got a very different deal though. I was approached by a scumbag I knew from school, he messaged me on Facebook and asked me if I wanted to buy ecstasy, so I told him to **** off and don't text me about that nasty stuff. He told me he'd beat the **** out of me when he saw me, so I apologized for saying it so angrily and that I just hated ecstasy and don't want a thing to do with it. He didn't care. He continued to intimidate me, urging me to fight him one on one but I would not do it. He terrified me. A few days went by and I was going to meet a friend and in broad daylight in the middle of rush hour traffic he saw me and crossed the road through the cars, took off his jacket and made towards me. I'll never forget the look in his eyes, pure rage, full of malicious joy at what he was about to do. He boxed me several times, breaking my nose and blackening my eye, burst my lip too. I got him back enough to keep him away from me but I couldn't stay any longer. I looked helplessly at the drivers all watching this and acting like it was another average day, I had to run, but I was chased about half a kilometer home. This appearance of me collapsing up my stairs and semi blacking out caused a lot of panic at home to say the least. It wasn't over. I was told later that night I was " going to be opened up" and "have your head cut off". I received countless threats of violence on Facebook until my family, against my wishes because I was so afraid to, got the gardai involved. They took my statement, saw the threats and assured me it would end. That it would all be over. They spoke to the individual who assaulted​ me and he said he'd leave me alone. I was relieved to hear that and a great weight had lifted from my shoulders. But that never got rid of the insomnia, the flashbacks, the paranoia, anxiety, panic attacks, it didn't make my appetite return, or make me regain the two stone in weight I had lost. And when I saw him he screamed "rat" at me on multiple occasions. 8 months on and I was still scared of my own shadow, I went out for some air, as I spend most of my time indoors since it happened, but I walked up the road to hear "rat" again. Triggered a panic attack because I thought he was going to get me again but he kept walking. It was only later that day, as it had started to get dark, he made his way to my estate, hoping to catch me on my own I think on my way home, but to his surprise I was already standing in front of him​, 15 feet away from him and his 2 friends. I got the surprise in him and I ran as fast as I could home. 8 months on and this knuckle dragging ape still won't leave me alone. I feel like a prisoner in my own house because I'm so afraid hell get me with a gang and beat me to a bloody pulp. This is the reality of Ireland, drug addicts and people who walk through life, destroying others, with no remorse. He has ruined me as a person and is in my opinion responsible for three failed suicide attempts.
Thank you for reading my story

I Am_Not_Ice

Your situation sounds completely awful, OP. My only advice would be to seek counseling for the trauma you've been through. Don't allow that worthless piece of human garbage who assaulted you to ruin your life. By the sounds of it, this scum will likely end up rotting in prison or overdosing in a back alley with a filthy needle stuck in his arm. Please know that you are so much better than him and that help is available. Again, I urge you to find a good counselor who can help you cope with the aftereffects of your attack.

Airyfairy12

Please seek counselling to work through the trauma. Scumbags like that thrive on harassing people, they love the sense of power and control it gives them. Could you move away for college or take a year out to travel? Just to give yourself some freedom and independance again and give yourself a new start? The only way to beat people like that is to be happy and better than they are. He'll probably be in jail by the time you got back anyway as its likely he's harassing others too.

Big Bag of Chips

Have you gone to the guards about him again? If there's a community guard in your area it might be worth having a chat with them. He hasn't physically assaulted you again, but he is intimidating you and you feel threatened by him. I fully agree that you are not being singled out by this fella. Not that that makes it easier for you. But scumbags tend to be scumbags. They're not up standing pillars of society with everyone except one.

I think each time you encounter him and feel threatened you should take a note of it and go to the guards. It will give you back some power to know that you are not just his victim. The guards have already had a word with him. They can advise you on how to handle him in future.

benjamin d

You poor guy, that sounds awful. When I saw the thread title I thought this would be a drama queen thread but that is genuinely a horrible sorry.

I would suggest that a mod might change your username or anonymise it a bit better because if you're being terrorised by this scumbag your name might be searchable as it stands at the moment.

fizzypish

Already said but talk with someone. ****ty ****ty situation. Maybe self defense? Bjj, boxing, kickboxing... any of the martial arts that involve full contact sparring. Before anyone says it, your not doing it to fight the ****. If you can train (might not be possible in your situation) after a while the though of conflict wont be such a big deal. The devastating fight or flight rush you get when confronted by this **** just wont happen. I'm imposing personal experience here but the situation could go from the terrible "omg there he is, he's gonna shout/hit, I'll have to run away, people will see....." to "Might have to fight here, I held my own in the ring so it'll be grand *shrugs shoulders and walks by without issue". Talking it out is defiantly the first, second and third port of call. Maybe a couple months down the line to prevent this effecting you again, think about my suggestion.
Good luck!

Xterminator

Hi OP

I sympathise with your situation.

But i assume you are asking what can YOU do to improve it?

I would second the above recommendation you take up a martial art like boxing, etc. Not because you want to be a better fighter than any scumbag, that would be the wrong reason IMO; but because the confidence in your self and your abilities will allow you to take back a measure of control in your life. If you know you cand handle yourself if a situation becomes physical, you will be able to act confidently, in any situation. i hope and belive from expereince that this will improve your mental health.

and of course bullys only like the easy mark, not one who can stand up to them, and tell them where to go.

now have you ever come across http://crimevictimshelpline.ie/ ? I would recommend you give them a call and explain your situation. they can advise on what you can do, and make connections to community resources.

What i dont think you should do, is suffer in silence. so well done on taking the step of posting on boards.

rondog

Could you not just say to him lets have a fight and end all this once and for all?
Some will scoff at the idea but in my experience bullies like this feed on fear and if you put it up to him and give him a fight back you may earn his respect.
You may end up a bit hurt but personally I would summon up the anger for what he has done to you and unleash with everything you have.Look up some MMA or muay thai vids online and learn some close combat knees and elbows,its not that hard.
Can you bring mates that will stand on the sidelines and ensure no one else gets involved?

rondog

Could you not just say to him lets have a fight and end all this once and for all?
Some will scoff at the idea but in my experience bullies like this feed on fear and if you put it up to him and give him a fight back you may earn his respect.
You may end up a bit hurt but personally I would summon up the anger for what he has done to you and unleash with everything you have.Look up some MMA or muay thai vids online and learn some close combat knees and elbows,its not that hard.
Can you bring mates that will stand on the sidelines and ensure no one else gets involved?

LegacyUser

rondog wrote: »

Could you not just say to him lets have a fight and end all this once and for all?
Some will scoff at the idea but in my experience bullies like this feed on fear and if you put it up to him and give him a fight back you may earn his respect.
You may end up a bit hurt but personally I would summon up the anger for what he has done to you and unleash with everything you have.Look up some MMA or muay thai vids online and learn some close combat knees and elbows,its not that hard.
Can you bring mates that will stand on the sidelines and ensure no one else gets involved?

Don't do this OP, it's an absolutely dreadful idea and has the potential to get you badly hurt or worse. Just because it is likely to make a difference to possible solutions, what age are you and what age is your assailant?

emmetjordan

Guessed wrote: »

Don't do this OP, it's an absolutely dreadful idea and has the potential to get you badly hurt or worse. Just because it is likely to make a difference to possible solutions, what age are you and what age is your assailant?

I had a feeling it would be a bad idea myself as I'm not a physical type of person, unfortunately this scumbag is only 17, and he's a proficient boxer where as I'm a skinny 18 year old

emmetjordan

I'd like to thank everyone for their opinions here, they really are valued. I have not had much time to reply to them though my head is just wrecked these days. Thanks anyway lads it's a welcome change to have people actually sympathize with me here, I'm used to bad advice and people telling me that it's my own fault.

fizzypish

emmetjordan wrote: »

I'd like to thank everyone for their opinions here, they really are valued. I have not had much time to reply to them though my head is just wrecked these days. Thanks anyway lads it's a welcome change to have people actually sympathize with me here, I'm used to bad advice and people telling me that it's my own fault.

This isn't your fault. This guys doesn't like you and is twisting the screw for whatever reason. One thing to note. In your initial text, maybe swap "**** you I don't do that ****" (or whatever you said) for "No thanks. not my cup of tea" for future reference. It may not help but if someone is looking for a reason to fight/be a dick, the hostile response will be enough justification in their mind to make you public enemy number 1. Just something for future reference to avoid BS. Good luck!

Lux23

It is never you own fault - please try and get some help and maybe show this thread to those that tell you its all in your head or your fault.

emmetjordan

Bump.

It's been a while since this happened but it's still destroying everything in my life. I am so paranoid, anxious, stressed out, exhausted, and fed up. I continue to suffer nightmares from this. I have not yet seen a doctor but am making an appointment to see one tomorrow.

A new experience happened today that played hell with me. I was getting off my bus on the way home from work and I had a really weird paranoid feeling like I usually do when I get off the bus now. I crossed the road and walked to the end of the road where I would turn the corner. On that part of the street was my attacker, but I didn't notice him, I was looking at his friend who I thought was coming towards me to hit me. I then decided to risk it and walk past without any second thought, and I looked up and saw him. He looked me dead in the eyes and I looked him dead in the eyes. I have no idea if he recognized me or not but I kept walking, I freaked out and had to get a lift home because my mind just cannot take this stress for much longer.
Without wanting to sound dramatic I feel like I'm being pushed closer and closer to the edge and I don't know how to stop it, it's an utterly miserable way to live.

freshpopcorn

Not much advice I can give you to be honest. Apart from go to your GP. He might be able to help with your sleeping and anxiety and refer you on to somebody else.
To be honest I don't know what you can do about this guy. Do you think he has let it go? There's a lot of enemies/people who don't get on and whilst they wouldn't harm one another they'd give each other a look in the street.

up for anything

Is there anywhere you can go - family or friends - for a few months? Somewhere where while you might not be safe in your mind, you will be safe in person which will give you some time to begin to heal. Discretion is the better part of valour. It would not be running away but regrouping to recover enough to fight (not physically) another day. It doesn't sound like to me that your family are in any way sympathetic or understanding so you will have to get through this using your own resources. Ring Pieta House and tell them you need help and you need it now before you try to kill yourself again. You are 18 now and I know from my own experience with my son that legally speaking only you can seek help for yourself now. GPs etc will not talk to anyone else or disclose any confidences you might make. If there is nowhere that you can find respite they may have contacts and ideas.

You may feel alone but you are not. There are people wanting to help you out there. People who know how you feel because they've been there. All you have to do, which I know isn't easy, is reach out and ask for that help. Someday you could be the person offering that help from your experience.

Pieta House contact details

Victim Support Helpline

Please, please ring them. Even if they can't offer practical help they will know of someone who can and in the meantime, they are a sympathetic listening ear.

Flibble

Op I'm sorry you're going through this, what a horrible person you've encountered

I think you should def try counselling, but I also think self defence classes would really help you regain your sense of control here. Don't be thinking just because he boxes it's pointless- there's loads of martial arts that could suit. Might I suggest Wing Chun, it was developed specifically to help fight a stronger, bigger, opponent. In any case, it will do wonders for your confidence levels & help you feel less vulnerable, which I think is your main problem here.

Even if he never says boo to you again, he's in your head. Get him out.

emmetjordan

Doesn't feel like this was half a year ago. Only posting this because it seems like the only way to reach normal people. My situation has not really improved much. I was on antidepressants and ptsd medication that made me feel ten times worse, lost more weight. Still have gut wrenching panic attacks just from seeing people in tracksuits with hoods up. Peaceful sleep isn't very often something I experience.
I've been using xanax when the anxiety gets too unbearable. I find cannabis helps me in regards to appetite and sleep... helps keep the storm clouds raining on me all day, obviously not the best solution but each to their own.
I've secured my dream job anyway as an apprentice tattoo artist, it does help quite a lot with making me feel happy doing what I do.
Still feels like I'm living in prison, I'm finding myself increasingly more irritated and scared. I tend to be very hard on myself for not even having the courage to do simple things like going to the shop, or walking my dog. I feel like there's a massive empty void in my life and it's impenetrable to light. I feel I have been robbed of so many good experiences, lost out on golden memories and lost out on the days that were all meant to be ahead of me. Not sure if anyone here still cares or is interested by any if this but it makes me feel a bit better to post it. It's like wearing a jacket made of bricks all day and night.
This waste of human skin has utterly devastated who I am as a person. I feel so bad because my friends are all comfortable and confident to go where they want and when they want to. I feel I am a burden to them because of my own baggage. My girlfriend has to put up with all of it too. I'm too much of a coward to even get the bus with her to bring her home at night because the bus goes through areas that I know this person and his friends hang around and they use this bus route too often. I can't afford a psychiatrist or any counselling, I'm beyond skint for money. I just want this person to know what he's done to me, in excruciating detail want him to actually see for himself at the state he's left me in. I am a shell of a man. I don't even know if this is a desperate cry for help or me just letting it all out. I want it to stop, I want to wake up and smile for once. I want to live. I just want my life back

up for anything

OP, you sound nearly worse than you did before. You need to take control of your own life again and stop allowing that guy to dictate how you live and react. So so much easier said than done.

Take that first step by ringing these places:

Pieta House contact details

Crime Victims Helpline

Seriously, they are excellent and just taking back your life from him and starting proper recovery will help you to feel better about yourself and your life.

Call them if only to shut me up. You worry me. I have a son around your age with anxiety issues and I know how they can eat you up while to other people it looks like nothing should be bothering you.

Coconut sea

The strength you had to write these posts, take that and make a call to the numbers as suggested.
That first dial is hard but believe me it will be worth it. You have it in you to get back from this, you just need a bit of support. Reach out and you won’t regret it.

Big Bag of Chips

emmetjordan wrote: »

I just want this person to know what he's done to me, in excruciating detail want him to actually see for himself at the state he's left me in.

Do you know what, he wouldn't care. Not a jot. People like him are scumbags. They care little about themselves and less about others. He could be made to sit in front of you and hear in detail what has become of you since your encounter with him the most he is likely to feel is bored.

Counselling, psychotherapists, psychiatrists are available to you. You just need to ask. You need to be asked to be referred. There are (free) public appointments. You need to go to your GP, or a different GP if you feel your current one isn't really understanding the depth of your issue, and ask what else can be done? Where else can you go? Who else can you see? GPs are general pracitioners. Some are very very good and have an interest in various different areas, but for anything specialised they will need to refer you on to another service who deals exclusively with your specific problem. You just need to ask for the help. It would be great if the GP could see and pick up on how deep this problem goes for you, but it's very difficult for them to get the whole picture in a few minutes consultation.

You might feel like you are struggling but you are still struggling on. You are still getting up and getting out. You have started a job. You are trying to take control back and move forward. It's a slow process, but you are doing it. There's no shame in asking for a bit of guidance along the way. And free help is available. Talk to your GP. Call some of these numbers .

emmetjordan

Thank you all so much. Even knowing the people can try understand what's happening to me is assuring. I need help and I need to get it for myself as soon as possible