Separation looming

CiscoKid_

Hi, not sure why I'm here or why I'm writing this. I think I just need somewhere to vent. I'm married two years and have a 7 month old boy and moved into our new house 8 months ago. Total change of lifestyle. Ever since moving in we have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. Before everything was stable and fun.. what the f**k has happened!!?? I can't understand what I'm doing to cause my wife pain over and over and over, one big cycle. A few good days here followed by a comment by me that hurts her. We have had money issues coming up since we moved in, mainly on my side, just worrying.. I suffer from generalised anxiety and it's been at me since getting the house, obsessing about money and how much we have for the month etc.. it's caused tension. Other things too, I would say things with no negativity towards my wife but she would take them up wrong and would feel horrible, ultimately causing her to lose love for me over the 8 months since moving in. We are at our lowest point now. She wants a separation, not willing to try anymore as it's just one big loop and she keeps getting hit with negativity from me. I know we can get back to where we were but she's not giving it a chance, saying she doesn't want to try anymore and what arrangements will we make now for the future etc..

I'm so upset. I don't know anyone that has separated or divorced, I feel really like something is wrong with me. I kept f**king things up with silly comments which came across completely wrong and not the way I meant and it's cost my marriage as it's all got on top of her and eroded away any desire to work on it. I don't feel I've changed but she says I have, not the same bloke that was engaged to her and married her.. ARGH, it's a nightmare, I feel like it's a nightmare and I'll wake up, but instead in reality I wake up in the night having a panic attack over everything

irishgirl19

Hi op. I could be completely wrong here but is it possible your wife could be suffering from PND? I wondered that when you said she was overly sensitive about a comment you made. A baby is such a big lifestyle change and a rollercoaster of emotions, and thats without the house move.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time. Getting a new place and having a baby are two of some of the greatest changes/challenges that can happen in life... I think you're both in the right here in terms of feeling stressed and overwhelmed.

I'd a similar start in my marriage... except I'm coming from your wife's perspective. My husband was extremely stressed and I took it personally (I'm not enough for him/can't make him happy.) We went to marriage counselling and it was the best thing we could have done. I really hope maybe it's an option for you guys. He wasn't sold on the idea at first btw.

Hope you can find a way out of this together.

Hormoney1980

Hi OP,
I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time.
You've mentioned three really big things...

-money issues
-new home
-new baby

I think you're both probably underestimating how much that is to be dealing with at one time...You're both in the right here in terms of feeling stressed and overwhelmed.

I'd a similar rocky start in my marriage... except I'm coming from your wife's perspective. My husband was extremely stressed and I took it personally (I'm not enough for him/can't make him happy.) We went to marriage counselling and it was the best thing we could have done. I could finally understand where he was coming from and realised how hard it had been for him (and me taking it personally hadn't been helping) and he could see where I was coming from and what I needed. He wasn't sold on the idea at first btw.

I really hope maybe counselling is an option for you guys.

Hope you can find a way out of this together. And in the meantime hope you can cut yourselves some slack! You've both had a lot on your plate.

December2012

Go to relationship counselling anyway. Even if she won't go at the start. You go, be proactive in working on your relationship.

whatnext

With a 7 month old you are probably both exhausted. when you are tired everything snowballs. The wrong choice of word can become a mountain to overcome.
A lot of us have been there. Talk to other couples if you can. Myself and my OH were at each other's throats for ages until one of our neighbours jokingly asked have we tried to kill each other yet, as they were like cat and dog during the same period. When you realise is semi normal and gets easier the tough times are easier to bare.

redfox123

I would second the relationship counselling you absolutely need a mediator to trash out issues before making the massive decision to seperate. You both have a somewhat distorted perception of what's going on because you're both stressed and with the major life challenges you've experienced lately it's understandable. And if she won't go then you go alone first. Can you give an example of the things she is taking so wrong?
Are you reacting badly when she says she's upset? Are you being clear and reassuring her patiently and kindly that that's not what you meant? If you're reacting with anger or panic or whatever yourself, that will cause the snowballing effect. Does you wife suffer with anxiety? It sounds like you are so you must deal with that, through the counselling, medication, whatever it takes, deal with it independently of your wife. I have had experience of living with someone with extreme anxiety and it is almost impossible. The smallest little things cannot be dealt with because of the negativity and the massive reactions to everything. The person does not see things clearly and made absolutely everything about themselves, which is exhausting.

MrJones1973

CiscoKid_ wrote: »

Hi, not sure why I'm here or why I'm writing this. I think I just need somewhere to vent. I'm married two years and have a 7 month old boy and moved into our new house 8 months ago. Total change of lifestyle. Ever since moving in we have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. Before everything was stable and fun.. what the f**k has happened!!?? I can't understand what I'm doing to cause my wife pain over and over and over, one big cycle. A few good days here followed by a comment by me that hurts her. We have had money issues coming up since we moved in, mainly on my side, just worrying.. I suffer from generalised anxiety and it's been at me since getting the house, obsessing about money and how much we have for the month etc.. it's caused tension. Other things too, I would say things with no negativity towards my wife but she would take them up wrong and would feel horrible, ultimately causing her to lose love for me over the 8 months since moving in. We are at our lowest point now. She wants a separation, not willing to try anymore as it's just one big loop and she keeps getting hit with negativity from me. I know we can get back to where we were but she's not giving it a chance, saying she doesn't want to try anymore and what arrangements will we make now for the future etc..

I'm so upset. I don't know anyone that has separated or divorced, I feel really like something is wrong with me. I kept f**king things up with silly comments which came across completely wrong and not the way I meant and it's cost my marriage as it's all got on top of her and eroded away any desire to work on it. I don't feel I've changed but she says I have, not the same bloke that was engaged to her and married her.. ARGH, it's a nightmare, I feel like it's a nightmare and I'll wake up, but instead in reality I wake up in the night having a panic attack over everything

Having children one of the most stressful thing you will ever do. Most couples threaten separation over kids at some point. I would strongly advise you see a marriage counselor. Contact Accord. A separation would wreck worse damage on your lives and your child .
If your wife won't go along then you should go as it might help you figure it out. Your GP should also help you.
Keep saying positive things to her.
You should also go to MABs to get help on money issues.
Just keep showing her the efforts you are making via a counselor and money advice. Counseling does not have to be expensive. Low cost options out there. Sometimes employers offer it

beertons

Are you on medication for your anxiety?

Does your wife have her own anxiety issues?

LostTazMan

Hi CiscoKid_

You are in a very tough place at the moment, I hope you can take some comfort from the fact that you are not the only one who has been in this situation.

I suggest you deal with things piecemeal as it seems that you are feeling overwhelmed by it all. In my case what I am doing is:
1. Went to my GP about anxiety, he referred me for counselling, turns out I need both medication and counselling.
2. Contacted MABS to help clear up my financial mess.
3. While doing both of the above I try not to pour petrol on the sparks when she is upset, help as much as possible, and try to get her to come to relationship counselling. Unfortunately she views the problems as all with me, and relationship counselling as a way to transfer blame onto her.

It is a work in progress, and while we have a long way to go things are definitely improving.

Best of luck!

LTM