Overheard Conversation

LegacyUser

I am a student in a house consisting of 2 other students. I was napping in my room when I was awoken to the sound of my flatmates having a conversation in our corridor. I tried to get back to sleep but could not. Eventually I heard the conversation turn on to the topic of me. They gave out how I had used all of the heat at the beginning of the semester over the span of a few weeks. At that point I had written a letter of apology explained why and offered to pay the full bill-they gave me 40 euro (20 each) and I paid the remaining 60. I even told one of my flatmates afterwards I had bloodwork done and it showed something in my blood which was responsible for my perpetual coldness to which in this corridor conversation I heard them joking that I had a pirate disease. They also gave out how I had went home at the end of the last semester before the end of their exams suddenly and thus didnot clean part of the house before the beginning of the holidays. I had told them I was coming back to the house to collect some things and I was going to clean part of the house then. They didnot apparently believe me and cleaned the full house, something which I discovered when I came back to the house during the holidays to collect some things/clean the remainder of the house....however it appears they are not aware of this and are still pissed over said event. At the time I had told them I had to go home over a family emergency.

I have cleaned the shower recently regularly unplug our kitchen and bathroom sink unplug our shower drain and 90% of the time its me who takes out the bins and drained our flooded fridge although I am sure they are unaware I do any of these things. Im just upset. In regards to the heat issue I didnot come home for 2 weeks until 3am every night so I would not have to face them. I was going through a very tough time during those points-the "pirate disease" was actually bulimia/anorexia which had also sent me into tail spin of suicidal depression, most pointedly at Christmas when I had to go home unexpectedly as I had received some deeply upsetting news. I know I used the heat but I paid for over half of it myself and apologised and had reasoning so I thought all would be forgiven snd forgotten but apparently not. They even cimplained about the apology note I had left them trying to explain why ad say sorry. And in regards to cleaning the house I do most of the current cleaning much more than the other 2 and I fully intended and acted on cleaning the house during the Christmas holidays but they didnot believe I was coming back after the end of the term even tho I told them I would and cleaned everything without me.

I believe they know I overheard their conversation as after they went back to their rooms I placed the electric heater I had borrowed from one of them outside their door. I know I was in the wrong and some of the reasonings I have set out are not really an excuse but this has upset me nonetheless and Im not sure as to whether address their complaints with them or ignore it?

Xterminator

Hi OP

Did you think everything was forgiven and forgotten?

your roommates are not you family or your friends. But you seem to think they are your friends?

there is the issue. they are acquaintances you live with and they most likely will judge you by how your behaviour affects them - and not by underlying personal issues, or good personality etc.

Now they are probably not perfect either. if you think the accusations leveled at you are unjustified or pale in comparison to the list of faults your roommates display, then perhaps you should compile a list and bring it up at a little meeting.
or perhaps you could just make note of their failings for future discussions, eg as ammunition.

But their complaints were about your behaviour, and if you have addressed that behaviour im not sure what you want to achieve?

FitzElla

OP,

It is never nice to overhear people talking about you. The reality is that some people do gossip about other people which can sometimes descend into a bitching session. This is especially true when it is people we are not overly close to, but interact a lot with, such as work colleagues or house mates. From what you are saying that is all that happened here, as unfortunate as it was for you to overhear. I personally would just suck it up and move on.

However you do need to be more assertive in how you deal with these issues. The passive aggressive approach of placing the heater outside the room achieves nothing except to encourage more divisions. Not coming home until 3am for 2 weeks to avoid them after the heating bill is again not doing anything to solve the problem. I'm really sorry to be harsh but hopefully it might help you see. You ran up 3 times the heating bill as everyone else in a few weeks, you didn't clean the house at the end of the semester, and it seems rather than deal with these problems you just avoid them or make little digs at your house mates. You can't expect people who are not your family or friends to be as understanding or as caring as you might expect or hope for.

I know you were having a tough time of it so it is important now to move past it so you can continue to get better. If you need to clear the air with your housemates sit down with them and make sure everyone is on the same page. Draw up a rota for cleaning showers and bringing out bins so that you are not doing 90% of it. If you need a fresh start consider a new rental for the next semester/year and learn from this experience. Best of luck.

Tiddlypeeps

House shares bring out the worst in people. Your housemates sound like dickheads to be honest, you ran up the heating bill but you paid for it so them having a bitching session about it months later paints them in a pretty bad light.

I think you are being way to hard on yourself and taking what these people say too seriously. The issues you mention are extremely minor (if ranked on a scale for potential housemate transgressions they are very low down the list) and you attempted to make amends for them.

It's completely normal for people to clash in housemate situations, it's just one of the realities of having to share a home with random people. Please don't let it make you feel like you are a bad person.

If the situation has deteriorated to the point where feel like you have to stay out of the house till late to avoid people I would consider moving on to a new place if you can. I assume living alone is not an option, but even just moving to a new house share you might find a better dynamic with the new housemates.

blairbear

Hi OP,

I could have written your post myself 8 or 9 years ago!

I was in a houseshare where I ran up a ridiculous electricity bill with the heating. Also because of anorexia. I don't think people understand how cold you get. It's like your bones are frozen; I just couldn't get warm! The bill was waaaaay more than yours. In the hundreds! I paid for it myself but it seriously soured the relationship and I ended up feeling like a prisoner in my own home, hiding in my room, leaving before they got up every morning, staying in the college library til midnight. It's very, very hard to deal with what may seem like minor issues to others when your mental health is poor.

This houseshare won't help you. They've taken against you, it seems, and it may not be salvageable. I would just move if I were you. Honestly. A fresh start would be better. But you'll have to try hard to be careful with the heating etc. I live by myself now so I can do whatever I please, but house shares are difficult for everyone! I still don't know how people get on well with them, but however.

Hope you're okay. I feel for you. Xx

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Is it worth clearing the air with them? I mean do you know them, like them, enjoy their company, or are they just two random other students you met when you moved into the house?

If it's the former, then I'd advise you do think further about whether you want to have a serious conversation and disclose your mental health history. Based purely on the little snapshot we have here, I don't think they're ideal people to trust with that information; particularly when you're so affected by what people think of you. But if it's to salvage a valued relationship, worth considering.

If they're just two randomers, don't mind them. They'll be out of your life in a couple of months, you probably won't remember their surnames in ten years. It literally doesn't matter what they think of you, and so I wouldn't go putting yourself in a vulnerable position just because your behaviour was misunderstood.

Plenty of people are going to take you up wrong, plenty of your housemates are going to be annoying and gossipy. This is just one of each under the belt. Focus on getting and staying better.

I do think the whole leaving the heater thing was unnecessary though. If I were you I really would draw a line under this houseshare and get a new place next year, if possible.

Ursus Horribilis

How long more do you have to share the house with them? Seeing as it's May now, it can be all that long before you do your exams and finish up for the year? You didn't say what your arrangements are for next term but certainly you don't need to be living with them again. Your housemates don't sound like nice people but I think you partly contributed towards your troubles.

As I read down through your post, I tried to put myself in the shoes of your housemates. Something I try to do here on PI when I read the threads. If I was annoyed at you, stemming from the heating bill incident, I could easily come to the conclusion that you were a walking litany of excuses. Your housemates don't know all that you went through so I can see how it'd happen. It doesn't make them nice people, by the way. I'm just trying to look at this from their perspective.

You got off on a wrong footing with them when it came to that heating. As someone who used to house share, I know how one person ratcheting up a big bill can piss everyone off. I've no doubt it was a genuine mistake on your behalf but why write a letter? The one thing I have learned in life is that if a situation like this arises, a face to face conversation will almost always be the best approach. Letters and texts are no substitute for an actual conversation. Hiding from them certainly didn't help the situation either.

You also mentioned having bulimia and being very depressed. Because your housemates didn't know you were struggling like this, there's every chance they thought you were being a drama queen or something. People can get pretty tired of someone when they seem to have nothing but excuses. From their point of view, you used up the heating and hid behind a letter. Then you made a point of avoiding them. Then you vanished when a house clean was imminent. They might just have cleaned the house because they were pissed off at you and to make a point.

At this stage, I think you'd be as well off to cut your losses and leave when the year is up. Sometimes relationships with people can get so bad there's no turning back. I sense this has happened here. You're unable to face them, they don't like you, they know you've heard them bitching about you. They probably can't wait for the house share to be put out of its misery either.