Too Comfortable or stuck in a rut

LegacyUser

I'm nearly 40 , divorced with no kids and i'm living with a guy the past 2 years who is also divorced no kids and just 40. in the two years together we have never said 'I love you' to each other. the truth is I don't love him and I don't think he loves me. I think it's a convenient relationship on both sides, but I don't think this is good for my confidence it's holding me back from meeting Mr Right (if he does exist)
My mother recently told me I should move back home and save as much money as I can to get myself on my feet and get a mortgage.
I'm living with this guy paying half his mortgage.
Don't get me wrong, we do get on great, but there is no chemistry or spark there, we are living like an old married couple. I think what's holding me back is the fear of living back in mammy's at 40 years of age and being lonely and alone, I hate being single as i'm used to always having someone in my life. but I know I need to get out of this situation as i'm not really happy i'm just settling I suppose. He is very good to me but I know we are together for all the wrong reasons. we both come in from work and sit in front of the TV for the night and not a conversation between us. we have nothing in common so I don't know why we are still together. I told him before that it wasn't working out and he went mad told me to pack my stuff and get out , after a couple of days and texting back and forth I realized I actually missed him and ended up going back , but I don't think it is him that I miss , I just hate living in my parents and i'm quite independent. Any advise will be appreciated

retro:electro

One thing that strikes me about your post is that you never call him your partner or your boyfriend. You open your post with "I'm living with a guy", and that's all this is op- housemates! I think you know what you need to do. Life is too short. Get out and make a fresh start. Imagine 20 years time still being in the same situation and looking back and regretting not acting on this when your gut was telling you to.

unknowngirl!!

OP you're only 40, you're too young to give up and settle!

I initially thought you were just housemates from your post, you definitely don't give off any vibe of being in a happy relationship.

It might be difficult at first but think of your future. Give yourself another chance.

Dial Hard

You say you hate living in your parents because you're quite independent but I'm really not seeing that at all; you've said yourself that you're staying in this sham of a relationship because you hate being single. That's not independence, it's the complete opposite.

I know living at home isn't ideal at 40 years of age, but imo it's a damn sight better than living like "an old married couple" with a guy you don't even seem to particularly like, let alone fancy.

You may not ever meet "Mr. Right". And that's fine. I'd much rather be single and happy than in a "relationship" and miserable. My own marriage broke up almost 6 years ago and I've been single since. But you're sure as hell not going to meet "Mr. Right" sitting in silence in front of the tv with your current partner.

ETA: It's a total cliche but like most cliches, it's true: you can't be happy with someone else until you're happy on you're own. I think it might be an idea to park the idea of relationships in general until you're in a better headspace yourself. Nobody should "hate" being single.

You don't have to move home if you really don't want to, but I do think you need to end this relationship and get your head on a bit straighter. Spend the money you're contributing to the mortage on your own space.

FitzElla

Hi OP,

I think you have said it all yourself - you don't love this man or have anything in common, but the fear of being on your own is holding you back. Do you really want to live your life trapped in a loveless relationship for convenience sake? If you are really at the stage where this is what you feel you need to end the relationship now. If for no other reason than to be fair to your partner who might well have totally different ideas.

Yes it is scary to be single again, especially as you get older. And nobody likes giving up their independence. But these are all short term steps to get back to actually living your life instead of going along on cruise control. The relationship you are in will just keep going. How do you think you will feel in another 2 years if you don't make any changes? Do you think anything is there to salvage?

Ursus Horribilis

Your mum's right and I doubt she would have said those things to you if she wasn't worried about you. On a practical level you need to leave while you're still in a position to help yourself. What you have at the moment is some sort of co-dependency/convenience thing going. You're also sinking your money into his mortgage which isn't going to be a fat lot of good to you. The sooner you get out of there, the sooner you can get money together and get your own place. You're 40 now so you don't need me to tell you that as you get older, the number of years you can take the mortgage out for are reducing.

I can understand why you don't fancy living with your mother at 40 but if it's going to cost you much less than a house-share, then swallow your pride and do it. It's a short term pain for a longer term gain. I noticed you referred to being lonely and alone. I can only go by what you've told us here but if your evenings comprise of sitting in silence in front of of the TV, it implies that you don't have much going on in your life. Perhaps all those years of being married and now with this man have made you lose your identity and your ability to be a person in your own right. If you wanted to, you could get out of the house and get involved in activities that involve meeting other people. But that takes effort. Just like leaving this man is effort. I do think you should go though.

Airyfairy12

Youre helping him to pay HIS mortgage, of course he doesnt want you to leave. If you move in with your parents, temporarily for a year or two and save the money youre giving to him you'll have your own house in no time. Youre wasting your time with this guy for the sake of convenience while he gets the benefits. What happens if you decide to leave 5 years down the line when his mortgage is paid off (Thanks to your input) and youre left with nothing. Relationships come and go, investing in your future should be your priority.

Big Bag of Chips

"Too comfortable"? You don't seem comfortable at all! You actually appear to be very uncomfortable in your current set up. Also as mentioned, you are mistaking "independent" with living away from home. You are not independent, because you are dependent on someone you don't even like all that much for company.

You both seem to have left unhappy relationships only to get stuck in a similar situation. Your mother, and your friends, will see more than you give them credit for. If your mother thought for one minute you were happy in that relationship she wouldn't suggest getting your own place! She can see it's going nowhere, and she didn't raise you to be unhappy. You're only a fraction of the way through your adult life. You probably have another 40+ years to live.

That's a long time to be sitting in silence in a non-relationship. Especially since both of you are divorced after ending what I can only assume were bad marriages. Surely after leaving your marriage, you wanted something a bit better than this?

Addle

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

That's a long time to be sitting in silence in a non-relationship. Especially since both of you are divorced after ending what I can only assume were bad marriages. Surely after leaving your marriage, you wanted something a bit better than this?

I would have thought divorce would give you some proactive perspective.
Time flies OP.
You could easily spend another few years in the same situation and you're 50 before you know it.
Take your mothers advice now.

Ursus Horribilis

I dunno. Maybe it institutionalised her? We don't know any more than she told us but that comment of hers about hating being single is telling.

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LegacyUser

After reading your post I know you are not happy. Your divorced and living with this man for the past 2 years. It is a convient so called relationship for him as your paying half his mortage along with half the house hold bills. You know your not happy. I think that you have a broken marriage behind you and you don't want to be single.

You mother can see that your not happy and she has suggested that you move home so you can save to buy your own home.

Why should you be working hard to pay half the mortage for a man you don't care about?
Where do you see yourself in 3 or 5 years time?

So what if your single. You would be happier than you are now. Leaving him and moving back home will give you a chance to save towards having your own house or apartment. You need to be happy in yourself and with you own life before meeting someone else.

I have seen people rushing into realtionships because they don't want to be lonely or on their own. They end up with people who are not good to them or for them long term. Life is to short to be in a so called realtionship that is going no where.

redfox123

It's very common for people to have this fear of being single and it's very unhealthy and insidious fear and can be the main reason they are living very unhappy and unfulfilling lives. The best advice I ever got when I realised I had a terror of being left alone was to 'lean into the loneliness'. It sounds simple but it changed my life. I hadn't realised that everything I was doing was to escape a deep fear of being lonely, and instead of running away from it towards unhappiness I turned around and went to the feeling and welcomed it, let it consume me. What happened? I began to love being alone, the fear of it was just in my mind, what other people thought, and was too busy running from it to realise the answers were there, in the 'loneliness' which wasn't lonely at all, once I accepted it in and began to love being with myself and feeling happy.

It doesn't sound like you've talked about your relationship with your partner have you? Has he told you in any way how he feels about the arrangement? There does not seem to be any emotional closeness. That would itself lead to some level of happiness, but do you want that at all with this man? Do you want to be vulnerable at all with him and does it seem like he could possibly want the same but you both are so broken after the divorce the emotional walls are too high. If you're sure it's just simply fears that are keeping you with him, then you have your answer. But maybe try to open up conversation between the two of you on where you're both at, if you can't do that and you think he'll be unresponsive or even angry then you have your answer.

via4

Move out of his and into a place with housemates instead of your parents.