Advice?

hsjsj

My very long term bf and a few friends and I were out when a girl I didn't know and have never seen before came up to me kissed me I pushed her off and went away my bf seen it happened and is classing this unwanted kiss from a stranger cheating. I am distraught over the whole thing, I don't see this as cheating because the kiss was unwanted from a girl that I don't know and had never seen or talked to, my bf told me he forgives me and won't break up but if it ever happens again he'll break up with me, he came to this conclusion after a day of not speaking to me. I just want an outsiders opinion on whether or not this was cheating, I just really feel it wasn't, as I didn't return the kiss and didn't show any signs of wanting to be kissed by a stranger.

HONKEY TONK

hsjsj wrote: »

My very long term bf and a few friends and I were out when a girl I didn't know and have never seen before came up to me kissed me I pushed her off and went away my bf seen it happened and is classing this unwanted kiss from a stranger cheating. I am distraught over the whole thing, I don't see this as cheating because the kiss was unwanted from a girl that I don't know and had never seen or talked to, my bf told me he forgives me and won't break up but if it ever happens again he'll break up with me, he came to this conclusion after a day of not speaking to me. I just want an outsiders opinion on whether or not this was cheating, I just really feel it wasn't, as I didn't return the kiss and didn't show any signs of wanting to be kissed by a stranger.

IMO you were the victim of a sexual assault and your BF is blaming the victim.

hsjsj

HONKEY TONK wrote: »

IMO you were the victim of a sexual assault and your BF is blaming the victim.

Is there any way to make him see that? I know he forgave me but I don't feel like I need to be forgiven, or put on thin ice

secman

Did you ask your bf what he would have done differently if a complete randomer kissed him without warning. Just in case you didn't handle correctly by pushing the person away from you !

HONKEY TONK

hsjsj wrote: »

Is there any way to make him see that? I know he forgave me but I don't feel like I need to be forgiven, or put on thin ice

OP, I wouldn't let this go.

Tell him you were sexually assaulted and he stood there blaming you for the incident.

If it doesn't cop that and wont apologize to you for his "assumptions" then you need to decide what happens next.

If a Guy or Girl went up to your BF and kissed him without consent from him would he feel guilty and feel he "cheated" on you?

hsjsj

HONKEY TONK wrote: »

OP, I wouldn't let this go.

Tell him you were sexually assaulted and he stood there blaming you for the incident.

If it doesn't cop that and wont apologize to you for his "assumptions" then you need to decide what happens next.

If a Guy or Girl went up to your BF and kissed him without consent from him would he feel guilty and feel he "cheated" on you?

I have a feeling if I don't let it go he's going to break up with me, I know right now I sound like one of those people in a bad relationship who is afraid to leave but, honestly it's never been bad, we've always been a really great compatable couple, I don't want us to break up over this I'll feel liken I've wasted years of my life. I just want him to see that I didn't cheat and theres no reason to forgive me so it can be put behind us and we can go back to being us

HONKEY TONK

hsjsj wrote: »

I have a feeling if I don't let it go he's going to break up with me, I know right now I sound like one of those people in a bad relationship who is afraid to leave but, honestly it's never been bad, we've always been a really great compatable couple, I don't want us to break up over this I'll feel liken I've wasted years of my life. I just want him to see that I didn't cheat and theres no reason to forgive me so it can be put behind us and we can go back to being us

Its your call.

IMO you were assaulted.

In his opinion you cheated.

He forgave you for being assaulted so then let it go.

woodchuck

HONKEY TONK wrote: »

IMO you were the victim of a sexual assault and your BF is blaming the victim.

This!!

hsjsj wrote: »

Is there any way to make him see that? I know he forgave me but I don't feel like I need to be forgiven, or put on thin ice

I wouldn't let it go. You need to have a serious conversation about this. To take it to a more extreme level, what if someone dragged you down an alley and raped you. Would your bf still think you cheated?! Personally I think it's really important for him to see the light on this issue. This kind of victim blaming is completely unacceptable imho.

He says he 'forgives' you, but there is absolutely nothing to forgive here.

He owes you a huge apology. Also if he breaks up with you over wanting to talk about this further, then good riddance. I know you'd feel like you'd wasted years of your life (been there, done that ), but honestly, you'd be better off in the long run if your moral compasses are so misaligned.

ManOfMystery

You

hsjsj wrote: »

HONKEY TONK wrote: »

OP, I wouldn't let this go.

Tell him you were sexually assaulted and he stood there blaming you for the incident.

If it doesn't cop that and wont apologize to you for his "assumptions" then you need to decide what happens next.

If a Guy or Girl went up to your BF and kissed him without consent from him would he feel guilty and feel he "cheated" on you?

I have a feeling if I don't let it go he's going to break up with me, I know right now I sound like one of those people in a bad relationship who is afraid to leave but, honestly it's never been bad, we've always been a really great compatable couple, I don't want us to break up over this I'll feel liken I've wasted years of my life. I just want him to see that I didn't cheat and theres no reason to forgive me so it can be put behind us and we can go back to being us

Your bf's reaction to this is bizarre, and also slightly worrying - it was 'just' a kiss this time, but what if someone had sexually assaulted you in a more serious way, or the circumstances were more dubious in his eyes (i.e. if he hadn't seen it with his own eyes and was taking your word for it)? You would be needing his support, not his criticism.

Stand your ground and tell him this is 100% not your fault, and not only do you not accept any blame for a stranger doing that to you, but you are disappointed that he felt it was ok to blame a victim. Why did he not do anything to help at the time? If he doesn't see how wrong his reaction is here, then he's not worth being with anyway - be assertive don't let anyone erode your self-worth.

hsjsj

Thank you all for reassuring me that I didn't cause this. I just need to find a way to show him that. I'll have to take a chance stand my ground and hope he sees my side and doesn't leave

Chloedancer

Tell him you'll forgive him just this once but if he ever stands by and does nothing again while someone sexually assaults you you'll break up with him. Much more reasonable than his ultimatum in my opinion.

ManOfMystery

hsjsj wrote: »

 I'll have to take a chance stand my ground and hope he sees my side and doesn't leave

This is precisely the vibe you should NOT be giving off. I'm worrying there that whilst he may have been good up to this point, he's putting you in a position here where you're acting like you're dependent on him and scared to say this or that in case he leaves you. It's giving him an element of control over you.

Why should you feel like that? You did nothing wrong so you shouldn't have to beg him to see it from your perspective, it was plainly obvious when you pushed the person who kissed you away. Stand tall and if he wants to leave, tell him that's entirely his own choice but you're not going to beg.

Sephiroth_dude

hsjsj wrote: »

Is there any way to make him see that? I know he forgave me but I don't feel like I need to be forgiven, or put on thin ice

How very big of him for forgiving you :rolleyes: I'd be telling him too get stuffed! He Sounds like a drama queen.

Kidchameleon

He ignored you for a day? Thats bullying. You sound like he has you wrapped around his little finger. I think you deserve better than this guy.

LegacyUser

If your boyfriend leaves you because of this, then it was the best kiss you ever got. Your question from all of this should be to ask yourself why you value yourself so little that you would stay with someone who treats you like that. You did nothing that needs forgiveness, but his initial reaction, the day of silence, the blaming, the forgiveness and the threat are all forms of abuse and control that personally I don't think you should forgive, I think you should walk. When someone tells you how they'll treat you in the future, make sure you're listening.

ShaShaBear

Jeez, your posts maybe have me wondering if he put someone up to kissing you just so he could take this turn of events!

You were sexually assaulted, and he is victim-blaming. You don't need people like that in your life.

JCX BXC

Since when was an unwanted kiss "sexual assault"?

Dial Hard

JCX BXC wrote:

Since when was an unwanted kiss "sexual assault"?

Since always.

Chloedancer

JCX BXC wrote: »

Since when was an unwanted kiss "sexual assault"?

You try walking up to a random person on the street and force your face onto theirs and see what happens. Just because it happens in a social setting, such as a pub or club, doesn't make it anymore acceptable. Where do you draw the line? A kiss, a squeeze or pat on the ass? When does it become unacceptable to force unwanted sexual contact on another person male or female?

JCX BXC

Groping and kissing are entirely different.

To be honest, with the word sexual assault I'd consider rape being the main use for a word. Using it for an unwanted kiss is a bit much.

Big Bag of Chips

Your boyfriend's reaction is so bizarre, and weird, that it would make me wonder has he ever cheated on you by having a kiss with a random stranger? And by 'forgiving' you for this, he's also clear too?

Maybe not, but it'd make me wonder.

Eimee90

JCX BXC wrote:

To be honest, with the word sexual assault I'd consider rape being the main use for a word. Using it for an unwanted kiss is a bit much.

Rape is NOT the only main form of sexual assault.

HONKEY TONK

JCX BXC wrote: »

Groping and kissing are entirely different.

To be honest, with the word sexual assault I'd consider rape being the main use for a word. Using it for an unwanted kiss is a bit much.

Non-consensual sexual activity against another person is a Sexual Assault

Chloedancer

It's unwanted forced physical contact. Therefore it's assault. It's sexual contact therefore its sexual assault. Apparently theres still a lot of work needed on teaching people about bodily autonomy.

Taltos

Mod note
OK back on topic please, PI is not a discussion forum.

uck51js9zml2yt

Honestly OP, I dont know why you're afraid of loosing him.

With the attitude he has shown towards what happened, you should be the one dumping him.

TerrorFirmer

I have to wonder if it happened in a little less transparent fashion than the OP has laid out - not saying they're deliberately misconstrued it but sometimes these things are not quite black and white.

Eg. the boyfriend might have turned a corner and suddenly seen his girlfriend kissing someone for a split second with zero context rather than witness a stranger walk up, attempt a kiss and be shoved away, only to conclude that it was cheating.

Perhaps some people really are quite that unhinged but I'd find it somewhat hard to believe. Weird things like this can and do happen on nights out particularly when alcohol is involved.

Not saying for a second that it is cheating or anything remotely like it but I just find it hard to believe someone witnessing a stranger march up, lob the gob and be shoved away would conclude that it was a red-card 'cheating' offense.

Unless he's an insecure teenager and I'm not joking when I say that either.