Getting back with girlfriend after having baby

LegacyUser

Myself and ex gf were living together till last year, she got pregnant and it was very difficult, she wasn't sleeping so we used separate beds until she just left.

We were in separate rooms during that time we barely saw each other. We had a few arguments one where her cousin upon hearing the pregnancy news, offered his congratulations by saying "Great stuff I didn't know you had it in you" whether it was the fact we were in different rooms I don't know but it really p***ed me off (I have a son from previous relationship) Shes very closed, tells family and friends very little even when we were going out. I suggested couple counselling as felt it would be good, and it was we had signed off on an incident which she used against me when leaving 3 months later

We have a beautiful baby and we are getting on really well, I realise the first month is for bonding, i'm willing to take it slow but I want people to know (before she lied when we had broken up) all of this has really affected me, I haven't dated etc, before she had the baby she wouldn't see me which was very hard. Then in the month or so before, she was all into it
Sometimes I feel I am carrying everything all I want is for us to be together, in fairness to her she is saying that she wants the same thing. She just keeps everything to her self I feel like I meet a different person everytime we meet, since having our baby, we meet up 3 times a week for 2-3 hours each, we went for dinner last week alone, and both of us said we're on the same page

Whatever happened before is gone, I don't want to prove a point etc, if it happened so she'd feel comfortable I can take all that as we have a great healthy baby. I believe she suffered from prenatal depression she more or less went home without any discussion at that time.
I want this to work. Just looking for advice from someone who has been there, thanks

Ursus Horribilis

Are you sure the ingredients for a healthy relationship are here? It's not for nothing that you split up and maybe you're better off co-parenting as friends.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply, I would be lying if I hadn't thought of that. I see us together we get on so well, it was the pregnancy that made things very had, she wasn't sleeping etc , separate rooms, no arguing, no real arguments anyway

I believe she had pre natal depression without that and helping her etc I wouldn't have stayed so solid

As I said we're getting on great since our baby was born, she had counselling before for relationships in the past, shes very independent and very closed off, keeps everything at surface level

The way I look at it now with her minding our baby she has to learn some empathy, she will have to change a little for this to work, as I will have to suck up what has happened

Believe me there is no sympathy for the guy when his pregnant gf leaves him, the last 6 months have been tough, I wouldn't wish them upon anyone...

Ursus Horribilis

Are you not clutching at straws though? That closed off thing and her perhaps "learning" empathy now that your child is here? Perhaps you're getting on well because you're no longer a couple.

eviltwin

You might get back together, it wouldn't be the first time a broken up couple has bonded over a new baby but its not really the time. Its still very early days, you're both in a baby bubble and its altered the dynamics of your relationship. Its very easy to look at your baby and then look at your ex and how well you are getting on and think there is something there. A baby is a fresh start and a chance to do things over. Its natural to want your family situation to be perfect for your child.

If you are going to get back together its worth doing properly. I think you should both wait until you have settled into parenthood and are over the hump re sleepless nights. Make any decisions with a clear head but only after you have both had a long discussion about what led you to split up in the first place and have sorted out those issues.

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Are you not clutching at straws though? That closed off thing and her perhaps "learning" empathy now that your child is here? Perhaps you're getting on well because you're no longer a couple.

I'm sure you mean well and its me who is bringing the issue here to this forum?

I just don't find your responses that constructive even from a critical point of view "clutching at straws" ??? Its just a month I am very honest about whats happened....

What part of prenatal depression are you not able to follow? It is a real condition and very hard for the mother to become aware of or make her family aware of as I am finding out

We're getting on well because she is no longer pregnant and is sleeping fine, even with taking care of our baby, etc that's the unfortunate reality from my perspective.

I've been solid for past 6 months, will give it another 2-3 months, someone like her needs my support, otherwise none of it will work

LegacyUser

eviltwin wrote: »

You might get back together, it wouldn't be the first time a broken up couple has bonded over a new baby but its not really the time. Its still very early days, you're both in a baby bubble and its altered the dynamics of your relationship. Its very easy to look at your baby and then look at your ex and how well you are getting on and think there is something there. A baby is a fresh start and a chance to do things over. Its natural to want your family situation to be perfect for your child.

If you are going to get back together its worth doing properly. I think you should both wait until you have settled into parenthood and are over the hump re sleepless nights. Make any decisions with a clear head but only after you have both had a long discussion about what led you to split up in the first place and have sorted out those issues.

Thanks for your reply, its not even bonding over the baby , we always got on great prior to pregnancy. We spent 10 weeks in different rooms as she couldn't sleep. Our intimacy and closeness was affected

We saw each other for about 30mins each day for guts of 3 months during working week, more at weekends

This isn't been done for the baby, she is just herself again, that's only way I can describe it, whatever that is, depression etc I don't know and will probably never know, I don't want to use it against her, I want to protect her, so she sees it herself timeline wise, that's only way for us to continue, we're both aware of what happened and still want it

It will be tough, but prenatal\postnatal depression is hard, if anyone has actually gone through it I would appreciate hearing from you

Neyite

Has she actually had a diagnosis of prenatal / post natal depression?

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

Has she actually had a diagnosis of prenatal / post natal depression?

She accepts that her actions weren't consistent but doesn't agree fully with the prenatal depression idea from me. I could have done more but with the separate rooms for sleeping, we drifted and drifted

Its not something that is easily mentioned, only in hindsight I believe will she really accept it

Again I have suffered with the black dog in the past, I know a form of it when I see it..She was exhausted daily when living with me, barely sleeping

I want to help her, I don't want to use anything against her, I think eviltwin hit nail on the head it will take time...I have that time to give

I guess no one has been in this situation amongst you, it really is tough....Not black and white unfortunately thanks I'd like to request the moderators to close the thread please.

njs030

Neyite wrote: »

Has she actually had a diagnosis of prenatal / post natal depression?

And has she said she has any interest in getting back together?

Teyla Emmagan

Query101 wrote:

Again I have suffered with the black dog in the past, I know a form of it when I see it..She was exhausted daily when living with me, barely sleeping

Just sounds pregnant.

LegacyUser

notjustsweet wrote: »

And has she said she has any interest in getting back together?

yes she says she wants us to get back together, both of us agree it will take time...I'm not demanding anything I have asked her if she still wants this, but the difference in her is huge...Shes back to the girl I fell for...

As I said she can be a different person day to day mood wise i'm not looking to test it just yet.....

We went for dinner last week and I was thrilled I want to do everything I can to help her

Thanks for the responses.

Neyite

Query101 wrote: »

She accepts that her actions weren't consistent but doesn't agree fully with the prenatal depression idea from me. I could have done more but with the separate rooms for sleeping, we drifted and drifted

Its not something that is easily mentioned, only in hindsight I believe will she really accept it

Again I have suffered with the black dog in the past, I know a form of it when I see it..She was exhausted daily when living with me, barely sleeping

I want to help her, I don't want to use anything against her, I think eviltwin hit nail on the head it will take time...I have that time to give

I guess no one has been in this situation amongst you, it really is tough....Not black and white unfortunately thanks I'd like to request the moderators to close the thread please.

Happy to close it if you like - but also if you want I can move it over to Parenting?

LegacyUser

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

Just sounds pregnant.

I accept that and I could have done more in hindsight, I just felt so sidelined, but she has a unique sleeping routine even when not pregnant, she is a very very light sleeper, never met anyone like her, she found it impossible for us to sleep together. I wouldn't consider 10 weeks apart normal, from asking friends\family etc, that really had a huge impact on us.

seamus

Query101 wrote: »

I'm sure you mean well and its me who is bringing the issue here to this forum?

I just don't find your responses that constructive even from a critical point of view "clutching at straws" ??? Its just a month I am very honest about whats happened....

What part of prenatal depression are you not able to follow? It is a real condition and very hard for the mother to become aware of or make her family aware of as I am finding out

We're getting on well because she is no longer pregnant and is sleeping fine, even with taking care of our baby, etc that's the unfortunate reality from my perspective.

I've been solid for past 6 months, will give it another 2-3 months, someone like her needs my support, otherwise none of it will work

The point Ursus is making, and as comes across to me as well is that you appear to doing your level best to come up with excuses as to why it didn't work before, and why it will work now.

You're claiming that the pregnancy broke you up, that ten weeks of not sharing a bed resulted in stresses so great that the relationship couldn't survive.

Yet you also admit that there are other issues; closedness, lying, etc, that existed independently of the pregnancy.

Could it be that being forced to live with someone who you weren't also sharing a bed with exposed an inherent weakness in the overall relationship? That you were physically compatible or willing to overlook eachothers flaws for physical intimacy, but when the physical intimacy was removed you were unable to retain any emotional or intellectual intimacy?

And so what you're doing is trying desperately to come up with reasons why everything will be just fine, this time.

Your language in many ways is quite telling - a lot of revolves around her needing you, "someone like her needs my support", " I want to protect her". All very laudable, but taken in isolation are red flags for me. A partner should not be an ongoing burden. One partner should not have a permanent role that involves "supporting" the other. That doesn't work long-term.

Especially if she's independent and closed-off like you say, and you're the nurturing, "just want to take care of her" type, then I can see why you would butt heads on a regular basis.

Could it be that you're getting along so well since the baby came along, precisely because you're not living together?

Remember that all we're getting is a snapshot of your relationship, as described by you. So we could be way off the mark, very easily. But you're the one doing the describing and this is what we're getting from it.

More general advice is that the first 6 to 12 months of a baby's life are hard. If you ever want to put a relationship to the test, have a baby. A weak relationship will not survive the first year.
What you have right now is a new mother who has her baby and is in complete control over caring for that baby. And a Dad who's interested and energised and gets on well with everyone.
Getting back together would change that dynamic, and not necessarily for the better. Your presence might be an interference, a disruption that the mother will resent, and before you know it you're in nightmareville again.

By all means, give it a go. My advice would be to wait; give it 3 months or so for a proper baby routine to be established, and then when you move in, you fit into that routine and don't try to change anything.
Go in with your eyes open. Don't be expecting happily ever after and the solution to all of your problems. Tell yourself that you're going to identify early on if things stop working again and you're going to move out rather than prolong it with weeks and months of arguments and resentment.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

Happy to close it if you like - but also if you want I can move it over to Parenting?

yes close it please...

No one has gone through anything like it here.....Amateur psychoanalysis as well meaning as no doubt it is intended, isn't working.

I would need first hand accounts\experience, until you've gone through it, you unfortunately have no idea

Thanks again.....

njs030

Op you seem to be trying to push a diagnosis on her rather than just accepting she was unhappy in the relationship and unhappy living with you.
It's not your place to do so and puts a weight on her that doesn't belong there- you aren't a trained mental health professional.

Perhaps if she feels it's necessary she can go and talk to someone about that but you need to look at what went wrong in the relationship from your side and what you will do differently because everything you've said so far is about her.