IS he being manipulative?

LegacyUser

My BF goes out about once a month with his friends but he never takes me out, at any time. We never spend public holidays together for example paddys or bank holidays as he always goes out with his friends. I asked him to bring me out next bank holiday for a change and he said Im going on holidays with you is that not enough? He never wants to take me out and uses what we do as leverage so he can say we spent last week together etc. Is this manipulation or am i paranoid?

LostTazMan

crystalpearl1 wrote: »

My BF goes out about once a month with his friends but he never takes me out, at any time. We never spend public holidays together for example paddys or bank holidays as he always goes out with his friends. I asked him to bring me out next bank holiday for a change and he said Im going on holidays with you is that not enough? He never wants to take me out and uses what we do as leverage so he can say we spent last week together etc. Is this manipulation or am i paranoid?

Without knowing all the details nobody can say for sure. If it was me I wouldn't accept that we never got out together as a couple. Each of you keeping your circle of friends is important, but so is building your relationship.

Put the issue of manipulation to one side for a moment and ask yourself "Am I happy with the current situation?" If not the two of you need to have a serious talk about what you want from the relationship, after which you will have to decide whether to keep working on it or to cut your losses.

Best wishes, LTM.

Airyfairy12

I dont think you understand what the word manipulation means.


Does he never go anywhere with you? youre going away on holidays together so thats something, do you ever go for meals or drinks? or the cinema? are finances a problem? When youve gone out in the past has he had to do all the spending or did you buy your own food/drinks?
He's entitled to go out with his friends now and again, he only goes once a month. Dont be so controlling and go read a dictionary.

Taltos

Mod Note
AiryFairy, please read our charter. That post is below the standard we all expect here and is not acceptable.

ManOfMystery

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

I dont think you understand what the word manipulation means.


Does he never go anywhere with you? youre going away on holidays together so thats something, do you ever go for meals or drinks? or the cinema? are finances a problem? When youve gone out in the past has he had to do all the spending or did you buy your own food/drinks?
He's entitled to go out with his friends now and again, he only goes once a month. Dont be so controlling and go read a dictionary.

I agree that the OP has misunderstood what manipulation means, but the rest of your post is overly harsh. OP has clearly stated that their OH doesn't take them out at any time, ever, and given examples of doing nothing together on public holidays, bank holidays, etc. 

I don't see them saying that their other half shouldn't go out with his friends - only making the point that he will do this at the expense of them spending time together when they're both free on a public holiday. 

It's a perfectly valid complaint IMO. There's nothing wrong with going out with friends, but if you're in a relationship then there should be a healthy balance/split in terms of time spent with friends and time spent together in the relationship. I personally would find it very strange - and offputting - to have a partner who never wanted to do anything together on a bank holiday or a day off, but was happy to spend time with his other mates. If it was a finance issue then he still wouldn't be able to go out (drinking, I assume) with his mates, but it seems more to be an issue of him choosing to do his socialising with them rather than his partner. 

OP - some more context may be useful. How long are you together?

Ursus Horribilis

Have you ever met his friends or his family?

LegacyUser

Yes ive met his friends and see his family weekly. He just never socialises (in a pub at night) with me. I cant understand why. HE turned round last night and told me he had no problem with me going out with my friends whenever I wanted, giving what I assume a hint to go out without him. He believes if he takes me somewhere eg dinner cinema day trip etc that it compensates to bringing me out as he prefers to go with his friends. Hence why I say manipulative as he controls what we do and when and if I go out with him

redfox123

I think she means manipulating in the way that she has a valid issue and he is making out that it isn't at all an issue and its normal to not spend weekends together or go out; it clearly isn't normal to not go out at all with your OH. It does depend on how long you've been together, if it's the early stages of a relationship it's understandable he's going out a lot with friends. It should not be at the expense of time spent with you though, as in you should really be going out together now and again as well as seeing your friends. Otherwise I'm afraid it looks like he's taking you for granted, or even just in it for the convenience of having someone at home when he's not out having fun.
Saying look we're going on holiday seems like he's just throwing that in to shut you up, but it's not acknowledging the ongoing thing of him never going out with you. Do you ever go for dinner/to a movie/to the pub?

leggo

OP I was with you until you said you go out to dinner, cinema, on day trips etc. So basically, you do go out but not to pubs/clubs? That's a different story. I'd maybe go to pubs with a girl I'm with (if she's into that, I could happily live without going the local for the rest of my life personally) but not really clubs once we're settled. No need. You can't talk, there's hassle you have to deal with other guys being drunk and trying it on with you, drinks are expensive and when you get to a certain age clubs just aren't that fun.

I mean, if it's really a big deal to you that you need to go to nightclubs with him, I guess that could be a way you're incompatible, but I wouldn't see him as blatantly wrong either.

Is there another reason behind this? Like people asked if you'd met his friends/family because a common symptom of this behaviour is that people are worried he's hiding something and keeping you separate, but that's not the case. Do you want to spend Saturday nights together and never get to because every week he's out with the lads? Does he go out a lot and you don't and maybe you're a bit jealous of that? Or is it just that you really like going to nightclubs with boyfriends?

Xterminator

Hi OP

Do you have a healthy circle of friends outside of your partner?

You dont mention how long this relationship has been going, and to me you do seem to be making this a bigger issue than it appears to be.
But perhaps we dont have all the context necessary to judge?

You seem to me to be coming across a little clingy about the time spent away from you. Do you begrudge him this once a month outing?

LegacyUser

Together 2 years. We never go out alone, only ever meet each other out about 5/6 times when we are already out with our own friends. No problem with him going out but I would like to be taken out too sometimes and it upsets me that its always the lads he goes with. Ive said it numerous times but still hasnt happened.I cant understand why me

Airyfairy12

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I agree that the OP has misunderstood what manipulation means, but the rest of your post is overly harsh. OP has clearly stated that their OH doesn't take them out at any time, ever, and given examples of doing nothing together on public holidays, bank holidays, etc. 

I don't see them saying that their other half shouldn't go out with his friends - only making the point that he will do this at the expense of them spending time together when they're both free on a public holiday. 

It's a perfectly valid complaint IMO. There's nothing wrong with going out with friends, but if you're in a relationship then there should be a healthy balance/split in terms of time spent with friends and time spent together in the relationship. I personally would find it very strange - and offputting - to have a partner who never wanted to do anything together on a bank holiday or a day off, but was happy to spend time with his other mates. If it was a finance issue then he still wouldn't be able to go out (drinking, I assume) with his mates, but it seems more to be an issue of him choosing to do his socialising with them rather than his partner. 

OP - some more context may be useful. How long are you together?

I didnt mean to be so harsh but what I understood from the post was that her partner rarely goes out anyway, either with her or anyone else and he makes an effort on bank holidays or once a month to go out with his mates. She said theyre going on holidays together so to me that suggests they do things together although maybe not regularly he doesnt seem to regularly go out anyway.

crystalpearl1

crystalpearl1 wrote: »

My BF goes out about once a month with his friends but he never takes me out, at any time.

crystalpearl1 wrote: »

He believes if he takes me somewhere eg dinner cinema day trip etc that it compensates to bringing me out as he prefers to go with his friends. Hence why I say manipulative as he controls what we do and when and if I go out with him

OP you're going to have to clarify what you mean by "out". Your first post says he never takes you out "at any time" but your second clearly states that he takes you out to dinners/cinema/day trips.

As it stands it just sounds like he doesn't take you when he goes out with his friends (once a month) and that's not manipulative or controlling.

IvoryTower

Do the other lads bring their girlfriends? A few pints with the lads once a month sounds very reasonable. Tell him while you love going to the cinema etc you would like to go for a few drinks together with friends and he can still have his night out with the lads separately, sure why not

Tigger99

Have u posted about this before? It's incredibly familiar.

Hannibal_Smith

crystalpearl1 wrote: »

My BF goes out about once a month[/i] with his friends but he never takes me out, at any time. We never spend public holidays together for example paddys or bank holidays as he always goes out with his friends. I asked him to bring me out next bank holiday for a change and he said Im going on holidays with you is that not enough? He never wants to take me out and uses what we do as leverage so he can say we spent last week together etc. Is this manipulation or am i paranoid?

Your boyfriend goes out once a month with his friends. That's not all that much. I would think once a month for a friends only night is OK.

Does he go out for the whole bank holiday weekend with his friends? Or is it just one night? Can you not arrange to go out with your friends, knowing that your boyfriend will be going out with his friends? Are you dependent on your boyfriend to go out? Why does your boyfriend need to BRING you out?

It shouldn't be a bargaining chip that you only go out with your boyfriend to certain venues in exchange for him having a friends only night though. You should both have equal say in what you do and if you want to go for a drink with your boyfriend in a pub I don't see why that should be an issue for him. But equally if he wants one night a month with his friends, there are two other nights to a weekend and 3 other weekends in a month. I don't see why he can't have that one night.

The language in your post is quite strange though, it sounds quite restrictive, I don't know why you need him to bring you anywhere, but maybe I'm reading it too literally.

up for anything

crystalpearl1 wrote: »

He believes if he takes me somewhere eg dinner cinema day trip etc that it compensates to bringing me out as he prefers to go with his friends.

My advice would be to dump him and find someone who'd prefer to go out with you and not his bloody friends. It sounds like when he takes you out it's a chore to him - would I be correct in saying that?

IvoryTower

up for anything wrote: »

My advice would be to dump him and find someone who'd prefer to go out with you and not his bloody friends.

my advice would be to not listen to this advice

up for anything

IvoryTower wrote: »

my advice would be to not listen to this advice

Why? I'm not being combative but I'm interested in why you think she should stay with someone who prefers to socialise with his friends over her? In the interests of keeping the relationship going should she work at being more interesting and entertaining for him?

IvoryTower

This is something that can be sorted out, no need to go dumping anyone.

up for anything

IvoryTower wrote: »

This is something that can be sorted out, no need to go dumping anyone.

I won't keep going on as it's taking away from the OP but my advice came from my heart and my belief that your other half needs to find you at least as interesting as his friends. It's not really something that can be sorted out. However, my reading of the OP's situation may be at fault.

osarusan

I can understand why the OP's partner wouldn't want her there when he's out with his friends - those groups can be close knit and anybody else is a kind of 'intruder', and people feel less at ease.

I know that you go out together for the day, dinner, to the cinema etc, so he obviously doesn't mind spending that time with just you...so is there any reason he won't go out to a pub just with you though? Just the two of you? What makes a pub off-limits?

Do you drink together at home sometimes? Or does he avoid drinking with you?

I don't think it's manipulation though.

Chocolate fiend

What about you taking him out? It sounds very one sided that you want him to take you out - what happens if you just suggest a night out together in the pub?

Why are you expecting him to do all the "taking out"?

Flippyfloppy

When you say 'take me out' is that just your choice of words? When you do go out do you both pay for drinks and food etc?

bmwguy

Myself and nearly all my close friends drink together. As men. Men only. Boys night out. Go to matches. Watch football. The pub is our place to meet. Its not even only about the beer, its about the socialising too. Once a week, every single week. About 6-10 hours probably depending on what's on. We talk man rubbish for which a lady should not be present. It's our time.

In return, the girls do their meeting up with their friends for afternoon tea and have their night out too when it takes their fancy. Talk about whatever they like to talk about.

We are all in happy relationships. When we do a day trip to the zoo, sightseeing, nice meal, cinema or go to a show, we do it with the wives and girlfriends. One out of 10 of us goes to the pub with the OH which I think is what you are classing as taking out.

I personally could not see the point of going to the pub with my GF. She is my GF, not my drinking buddy. Either with my friends or alone. And definitely not with her friends. My circle of friends would feel the very same. Apart from a few hours when we do our own thing and going to work, we are together all other times.

Xterminator

up for anything wrote: »

Why? I'm not being combative but I'm interested in why you think she should stay with someone who prefers to socialise with his friends over her? In the interests of keeping the relationship going should she work at being more interesting and entertaining for him?

Going out with his friends once a month is not unreasonable. Maintaining a circle of friends while in a relationship is wise and also good for the relationship too.

I think your advice is rash and ill advised because you are taking his actions out of context.

woodchuck

I think it's reasonable that he wants to go out with his friends (just the lads) once a month.

However his response to your question below is not very nice:

crystalpearl1 wrote: »

I asked him to bring me out next bank holiday for a change and he said Im going on holidays with you is that not enough? He never wants to take me out and uses what we do as leverage so he can say we spent last week together etc. Is this manipulation or am i paranoid?

I have no idea what way this conversation went though and obviously we only have your side of the story. But it sounds like there may be a communication issue here.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, in general are you happy with this relationship and the way he treats you? It doesn't sound like it.

Strawberry Swan

The language you use is odd saying 'he takes you out' on trips rather than 'we go out'. And you say he makes all the decisions about where you go and what you do when you do go out together? Is this true? If so then this is a much bigger issue than the pub/club question.

ace_irl

Op, the wording of this all seams a bit strange.

Do you have a problem with him going out with the lads regardless of how often? Going for drinks once a month with the lads is very reasonable and should be encouraged, everyone deserves time with their friends.

Do you sit around by yourself when he goes out or do you make plans with your own friends? When you know he's going to be out with his friends you should take that opportunity to do something for yourself. Go out with your own friends or even just have a night to yourself.

Does he spend the other three weekends with you? If he does, then your issue isn't with him going out, it's with how you spend your time together.

Don't wait around for him to invite you out for a drink, make the plans yourself. It's not all on him to organise every activity you do.

Eeden

If you're not happy with how things are you should just talk to him about it. If you feel you can't, then this relationship might not be the best for you.