An unhealthy relationship?

BowieAusten

I've been going out with my girlfriend for 4 months now. Our relationship has many problems and I feel very alone in trying to deal with them. WHen we first met, I had very few friends in the city I live in, a group of friends and an ex girlfriend was the height of it. I tried to maintain a friendship with my ex because I had nobody else. I used to text her often and when my girldfirend asked who she was, I lied and said she was just a friend and nothing had ever happened betweeen us. About 3 months ago, my gf found out that I had lied to her and got extremely upset. She has a lot of her own issues and had been bestrayed by previous exes. But the ultimatum she gave me for not breaking up with me was that I would have to come out to my paretns within a month, I would have to let her look through my phone whenever she wishes, I would have to text her every 30mins when I'm out with my friends and I would have to make more of an effort with dates. I am really struggling with these things and I feel a bit manipulated. Most of the time she doesnt believe that I am where I say I am and with who I say I'm with, even to the point where I have to send her a snapchat of where I am and who I am with just to prove it. Anytime I get a message or notification on my phone, she asks who it is and what it says. I find myself avoiding meeting up with friends and spending all of my time with her because she tends to get upset or jealous when I meet up with friends. I don't do any of my hobbies anymore, I spend all of my time with her as she gets upset if I dont want to see her. At the weekend, she was quite upset and stressed as she has exams. I was visiting relatives for the weekend so I could only be there for her over the phone, she got mad at me for taking 8mins to reply to one of her texts, even when I explained I had just gotten out of the shower and was getting dressed. '. She often talks about harming herself and I obviously do not want that, and I do want to be there for her as much as possible. I tried to explain to her that we both have lives outside our relationship but she feels that if i love her I should have no problem spending all of my time with her and always reply within a few seconds. I feel like I'm being controlled.
I need advice, few friends I've mentioned this to have said they're worried about me because it seems like I'm being controlled. Am I ?

Big Bag of Chips

Come on, OP. Do you really have to ask that?

You need to end it. You're only 4 months in. This is supposed to be the exciting time of a relationship, the fun time, the time when everything is easy. None of what you describe is even near that.

You have to end it. And you have to make a clear break, block her, because she is not going to let you go without a fight. And it's not a fight because she loves you and believes this relationship is for keeps, it's a fight because that what she does. She is in control, she's in charge, so you don't get to decide that the relationship is over.

For your own safety you need to end this, and have friends around you after you do. She sounds unhinged and could do something stupid, to you, she's not going to harm herself. This isn't a relationship. Can you imagine living like this for the next 30 years?? Because it's not going to change.

stargazer 68

BowieAusten wrote: »

• But the ultimatum she gave me for not breaking up with me was that I would have to come out to my paretns within a month,
• I am really struggling with these things and I feel a bit manipulated. Most of the time she doesnt believe that I am where I say I am and with who I say I'm with, even to the point where I have to send her a snapchat of where I am and who I am with just to prove it.
• Anytime I get a message or notification on my phone, she asks who it is and what it says.
• I find myself avoiding meeting up with friends and spending all of my time with her because she tends to get upset or jealous when I meet up with friends.
• I don't do any of my hobbies anymore,
• I spend all of my time with her as she gets upset if I dont want to see her.
• She got mad at me for taking 8mins to reply to one of her texts, even when I explained I had just gotten out of the shower and was getting dressed. '.
• I tried to explain to her that we both have lives outside our relationship but she feels that if i love her I should have no problem spending all of my time with her and always reply within a few seconds.
• I feel like I'm being controlled.
• Few friends I've mentioned this to have said they're worried about me because it seems like I'm being controlled. Am I ?

Op I have broken down your post into bullet points. Read through it - if you received that email from a friend of yours what would you tell them to do??

baby and crumble

Please don't stay with someone who tries to bully you into coming out to your parents, op. Only YOU should be able to control that. Yes, it sucks feeling like a secret, I had 10 odd years of that myself but at the same time, it's a very personal, huge thing that she's demanding you do.

Also, everything else in your post screams red flags. Seriously, having to reply to messages within seconds is just not feasible, and the lack of trust in any relationship will eat away until the entire thing is just toxic.

You're worth far more than that, op.

Bandana boy

If you can get hold of her phone , check to see if she has put in the details of your family and see if you can remove them.
When you break up make sure she is blocked from all social media.I suspect she might out you to your parents in revenge when you end this.

osarusan

Are you being controlled? Absolutely.

Lying about the relationship with your ex was wrong, but if that hadn't happened, I'd imagine she'd have found some other reason not to trust you and thus need to control and limit your life.

She has massive problems - don't let them become your problems.

Hannibal_Smith

Presumably you had an inkling about your girlfriends insecurities which is why you kept the friendship with the ex as a secret? So that would make you think this is just an excuse for her to justify the insecurities she already had and to act on them. Of course a lie ia a lie and you got caught. As that new Lorde song goes 'those great whites they have big teeth', but her ultimatum is extremely controlling and completely unreasonable. If she doesn't trust you, she will make you suffer. It wasn't a big enough lie to warrant that kind of reaction.

Sephiroth_dude

You sound miserable, Is this the kind of person you really want too be with ? Life is too short too be putting up with this kind of nonsense in a "relationship", its not a relationship you have, its someone dictating too you what you can and can't do and if things don't go there way they throw a strop, get out while you can.

zoobizoo

Get Out.

You will never be happy with this person.


She's what I call a tree surgeon.

She starts cutting off the branches of your personality and your life until she turns you into a bare trunk..